by Amber Lacie
“No? Are you sure? Because I’m pretty sure those were your words. Don’t worry. There’s not competition anymore. I can’t choose Daniel now, can I?”
“Arlo, please—”
Waving my hands in the air, I stopped him mid-sentence. “No. This,” I said, motioning between us. “Me and you? It’s over.”
His face paled as his hands fell to his side. “What do you mean it’s over? Stop and think about what you’re saying.”
“I already have. Don’t worry––I wouldn’t want you to think I chose between either of you. So, you know who I’m going to choose, August? I choose myself.” Turning around, I headed back towards the large glass doors.
I could hear him yelling my name behind me, but I didn’t care. My heart was too broken for me to feel any more pain.
The rest of the day blurred by. August tried to talk to me several times, but eventually my dad picked up on what was going on. I saw him talking to August outside. I don’t know what he said, but I watched as August dropped his head to his chest and followed his mom to her car. I didn’t hear from him after that.
Everything my professor was saying was going in one ear and out the other. I barely scraped by with my grades last semester. I shouldn’t have passed, but I think my teachers felt bad for me. They wouldn’t let me slide again, I knew it, but I didn’t care. In fact, I didn’t care about anything. The way the world continued to spin without Daniel in it only angered me more. There was no relief and it wasn’t getting easier.
I had spent most of my life taking care of him. The thought of picking out his clothes to be buried in, and planning his funeral, had never crossed my mind. With Daniel gone, I became numb. I had failed my brother, but there was no way I was going to take all the blame. I hated the pressure my dad was putting on me to move on with my life. If someone was going to be blamed for Daniel’s death, I was going to blame him. I shouldn’t have raised us. My dad should have stepped up, but he didn’t. He drank and blamed everything on Daniel. He pushed my brother away and into a mess he couldn’t escape. If I could have felt anything, it would have been hatred towards him.
After class, I was walking towards the lakefront when I noticed Ben. He was sitting on one of the benches facing the water. A few people were scattered around him. As I got closer, my heart took on an erratic beat. It wasn’t a good feeling, but it wasn’t necessarily bad. I hadn’t felt anything in almost seven months and that feeling was something. Clearing my throat, I stood beside him.
“You look different.” Where he once had black spikey hair, he now had a clean-shaven head. It wasn’t a bad look for him––it was just different.
Ben curled his lips up into a smile and flashed me his bright white smile. Noticing a dimple in his right cheek, I wondered if he had always had it. “Arlo.” My name rolled off his tongue with extra emphasis on the ‘O’ he was hanging onto.
“Are you drunk?”
“Nope. I’m just in a weird mood. Sit down and relax. You’re making me feel weirder.” He scooted over just enough for me to fit. The people nearby paid no attention to us; they were too busy being focused on their own lives to realize the people on the bench were broken. That’s the thing about pain. It was so easy to mask that no one else noticed it.
I pulled my backpack onto my lap, wrapping my arms around it. “I didn’t mean to bother you.”
“No worries my little Gemini. What can I do for you?”
“Gemini?”
Rubbing his palm along the top of his head, he looked lost in thought for a second. “Gemini is the sign for twins, ain’t it?”
“Oh, yeah––it is.” My heart dropped a little further when I realized he was still connecting me to Daniel.
“So, what can I do for you?”
“Nothing. I just saw you sitting out here. My feet kind of brought me over.”
“Well, maybe they wanted to say hi. There’s no harm in saying hello. Do you know your eyes look sad?”
Running my fingers self-consciously through my hair, I turned away from him and stared out at the soft waves hitting the rocks. “I know.”
“Alright, so tell me how to fix that. We could talk, or I could help you take the edge off. What’s your poison?”
A nervous panic began to take me over. I didn’t want to go down the path Daniel took. “I don’t want anything. Maybe I should go.” Standing, I slung the strap of my backpack over my shoulder.
“Whoa. Gemini––calm down. I wouldn’t make you do anything you didn’t want to. What about a walk? That’s harmless, right?”
Looking down at Ben I tried to figure out what I was doing there. Why had I walked over? I could’ve gone back and avoided him altogether. Instead, I was standing by the only friend Daniel had before he passed. Maybe it was my brother’s way of giving me peace. I’m still not sure what drew me to him, other than I could finally feel something.
“Just a walk. I don’t want to take anything.”
“No worries, baby. Come on.”
The fact that he had just called me baby should have registered in my mind, but I was always late to catch on to the reality of situations. Ben stood, linked his arm with mine, and turned us back towards the campus.
“You miss him, don’t you?”
“Ben, I miss him so much. I shouldn’t have left him like that.”
“That’s not how I remember it at all.” Holding a glass door open, we stepped through the doorway and turned down a long hallway. “I’m pretty sure I saw you there a lot. You kept his place clean, you brought him food, and you were always there when he needed you. I witnessed it first-hand.”
“How?”
“I used to hear you come up the steps and I’d listen to you. My eyes would follow you in and out of the building. It wasn’t a creep thing, I was just bored, and you were always coming and going.”
Nodding my head, I continued to walk as we made another turn. I wasn’t sure how to respond. The touch of his skin against mine screamed danger. I knew my dad wouldn’t approve of my actions, and I felt a little joy in knowing it might hurt him.
For the rest of the walk, we didn’t speak about Daniel again. Instead, he told me about the parties he had been to. His life seemed easy, carefree, and happy. It was everything I wanted to feel.
“You know what I’m thinking? You should come with me tonight.”
“To where?”
“Jim’s got a small get-together tonight. Nothing big––just drinks and maybe a game or two. Completely chill. You up for it?”
Yes. The word screamed in the back of mind. “What time and where? I can meet you there.” I don’t know why I jumped on the invitation. Normally, I would give myself a million reasons to stay home.
“Can you meet me at my place? You don’t have to come in. I know that would be hard for you. I’ll be waiting outside.”
Not wanting to back out, I swallowed before nodding my head. “Sure. Yeah, it’s fine. Just not inside, okay?”
“Not inside. Don’t worry about tonight. I’ll take care of you. Your problems will be mine for the night.”
He is dangerous. I knew he did things that weren’t on the up an up, but I didn’t care. He was offering me exactly what I wanted. Freedom from my mind. Freedom from my stress––even if it was just for a night. “Gemini, it seems we must part. I gotta go inside and pretend to listen to an educator educate me. I’ll see you at seven.” Ben bowed slightly and walked through a large, oak door shutting it behind him. He is incredibly odd.
During my drive home, I pictured the night unfolding into a million different situations. No matter what I did, I couldn’t hide the excitement building in my stomach. Once I was in my bedroom, I plopped down on my bed and sent Andrea a text. There was no way I was going to go by myself. She had been on my case for months to get out of the house, so she was going with me––whether she liked it or not.
The minutes slowly turned to hours as I watched the clock slowly tick by. I was fixing my hair when I heard Andrea pull up in
to the drive. Giving myself a once over in the mirror, I decided my reflection wasn’t going to get any better. I straightened my black plaid skirt and slipped into my favorite pair of black boots that stopped just below my knees. Leaving the top two buttons of my red blouse open, I grabbed my purse and ran outside. It felt like I was finally escaping. I felt free.
Sliding into Andrea’s car, I put my seatbelt on and gave her my best smile. “Ready?”
“Holy hell. What kind of party are we going to? You look like a Catholic school girl gone bad.”
“Ben said it was small. I look that good, huh?”
“I wouldn’t say good so much as I would say slutty. If you were going for whore, you have conquered the look.” Andrea raised her brow at me. She was wearing a pair of skin-tight dark blue jeans, sandals, and a t-shirt with the back missing. The fabric had been cut and twisted into strings, now crisscrossing over her back and shoulders, revealing the dark red bra she was wearing underneath.
“I’m slutty? You’re the one in the harlot red bra. Your entire back is exposed.”
“True, but at least my vag is covered.”
“So is mine!” I shouted. Rolling my eyes, I smacked her arm. She’s one to talk. There’s always at least one section of her skin exposed.
“Right. That skirt barely covers your ass. I pray you have on panties. I wouldn’t want you to open your legs and blind the world, with your vag winking its clit at people.”
Laughing, I wiped the tears from my eyes. Andrea gave me a wink, followed by a kiss in the air. “Let’s get your ass to the party. By the way––this Ben guy, I vaguely remember him. Is he cute?”
“Ben? I don’t know. He’s Ben. Why?”
“Just asking. I just want to know what I’m getting myself into. Does he have a nice smile?”
Looking out the window, I shrugged my shoulders as we passed houses and apartment buildings. “I don’t think I’ve ever paid attention. I guess you could say it’s okay. He does have a dimple.”
“You haven’t paid attention, but you noticed a dimple?”
“Oh, my God. What is with all the questions? He’s just a guy.”
“Alright, I won’t bring up dimples again. Just so you know, I’m here solely to protect you from your little act of rebellion.”
“I’m not rebelling against anything.”
“Whatever you need to tell yourself.”
I laid my head against my window. Maybe going out wasn’t such a good idea after all, if she is going to be like this the rest of the night. I motioned for Andrea to turn by soft movements of my hands. I was still too irritated to talk to her.
As we turned down the street and headed towards Ben’s place, I could see him outside. He was leaning against the building with one leg bent behind him, and he was swinging his keys around on his index finger. I stepped out onto the sidewalk and my stomach flipped a little as I watched him rake his bottom lip through his teeth. Every time I saw him he got more attractive. He was forbidden. He was everything that was wrong. If he was the poison apple, I was Snow White, and I was going to sink my teeth into him.
“Damn. You look amazing.”
I smiled, as I tucked a stray curl behind my ear. “Thanks. So, where is Jim’s place?”
“Just two blocks that way. We can walk or drive. It’s your call.”
Looking back towards Andrea, double-parked in the street, I held up my finger for her to wait one minute. She glared at me, but there weren’t any cars behind her. It wasn’t like I was stopping traffic. “Let’s drive, so that when Andrea and I leave we won’t have to walk far.”
“Alright. Drive it is.” Ben followed me back to Andrea’s car and slipped in the back seat.
“Andrea, meet Ben. Ben, meet Andrea.”
Andrea squinted her eyes at Ben before turning back to me. “Where are we going?”
“East, two blocks. Just find somewhere closer to park.” I pointed towards the direction Ben had nodded to. Andrea nodded her head and hit the gas pedal as Ben piped up from the back seat.
“Jim’s place is on the corner. Anywhere close to that is fine.”
“You both give such precise and excellent directions. Thanks so much for that.”
Smiling, I looked over at her. “You’re welcome.”
“Smartass.”
“Fuck off. You would’ve replied the same.”
“I know. Who the fuck do you think taught you that?”
Ignoring her words, I tried to spot empty spots along the curb, as we got closer to Jim’s. We ended up having to pass his place and park around the corner, but it was still closer than The Loft. As we stepped out onto the sidewalk, Ben took my hand in his and led me up the cement steps to Jim’s place. Andrea followed behind us, making kissing sounds. So mature.
There were maybe ten other people tucked inside Jim’s small apartment. Everyone was laid back and enjoying the music. Drinks were stacked up next to the fridge, some chips were in bowls on the stove, and the lights were low. It was quaint, and I felt completely relaxed.
I was making myself another drink when I noticed a pan of brownies next to the chips. Deciding to help myself, I snuck a bite of one. They were so delicious that I decided to help myself to two of them before tossing two more in a napkin and walking back into the sitting room with my drink.
“What are you eating?”
“Food. It’s in the kitchen.” Crossing my legs in front of me, I plopped down on the couch next to Andrea. A bit of my drink splashed onto my arm and I elegantly licked it off.
“God, you’re drunk. I know I said you needed to go out, but maybe we should call it a night.”
“What? Please, don’t make me go. Here, eat this.” Holding out a brownie, I dropped it into her hands. She gave me a questioning look before shoving the whole thing in her mouth. “Such a lady.”
“When in Rome.” Faking a kiss, she patted my leg and headed into the kitchen I had just come out of.
I really need milk to go with that brownie, but rum will have to do, I thought to myself before taking a few gulps of my drink. Andrea is taking forever in the kitchen. By the time she had come back, I had finished both my brownie and my drink.
When she walked in she had two more brownies stacked on a plate, with chips, plus the rim of her drink clenched between her teeth.
Setting her drink down on the floor, she plopped down beside me. “Those brownies are good. Some guy named Jim, or something, helped me make another drink, too. He’s cute. I might fuck him.”
“Jesus. Filter, much?”
“Oh, come on. You said you didn’t want to go. If I’m staying, I’m having fun.”
Stealing a bite of one of her brownies, I caught Ben’s glare from across the room. “Andrea, I think he’s watching me eat,” I whispered a little too loudly, causing her to choke.
She cleared her throat and stared back at him. “Yeah, he is. That’s weird.” Taking a sip of her drink, she yelled across the small room. “Hey, Dimples. Why are you watching us eat, you weirdo?”
My eyes went wide as he leaned his head back with a deep laugh. “Gemini, come here, we need to discuss your friend.”
Trying to fix my skirt, I tried to stand, but I wasn’t coordinated enough to do it without flashing everyone. Ben laughed and walked over towards me instead. He flashed Andrea a big, white smile as some guy came over behind him, helping her off the couch and into a chair closer to him. Did Ben just move my friend, so he could sit by me? Why does my head feel cloudy, and why do I want to laugh? Why do I feel so weightless? Why do I like it so much?
“Baby, what did you eat?”
Licking the chocolate off my fingers, I looked up at Ben. Heat rushed to my cheeks as I stared into his green eyes. “Food. See?” Holding up my napkin, I showed him the remaining crumbs from my brownie.
“Fuck. Me. How many of those did you eat?”
“I don’t know. Four, maybe?”
“Jesus. What are you drinking?”
“Rum and coke. Don�
�t look at me like that. You brought me here. It’s a party. I’m having the fun you promised me.”
Chuckling, Ben rubbed the back of his neck. “That you are. I think maybe some water would be good though.”
“Ben, you’re sexy.” I don’t know why the words flew out of my mouth, but they did. My filter was gone. “Kiss me.”
“Whoa. Do you even know what you’re saying?”
“Yeah. I may be a bit drunk, but I know what I’m saying. I saw you today and I felt something. I don’t know what it was, but I’ve been numb since Daniel died. Then, I saw you and something changed…kiss me. Please? I just want to try something.”
Closing his eyes, he seemed to think it over. Once his eyes were open I knew his decision. Gently grasping my chin, he brought his lips down to mine. It was all-wrong. He wasn’t August. I didn’t feel safe. It felt dangerous, yet it made me feel alive. My hand twisted in his shirt as I pulled him closer to me. I wanted to feel him everywhere. I didn’t care who was in the room, or what was happening around me. I could feel his hands run up my thighs, lightly tracing the edge of my panties with his fingers.
Leaning back, I pulled him down over me. A soft laugh fell from his lips as he broke my kiss. “You still know what you’re doing?”
“Yes.” I knew exactly what I was doing. It was so wrong, it was right.
Nodding his head, he turned to face the guy who was now holding Andrea in his lap as she twisted her body around his. “Everyone out.”
“You heard him.” Standing, the guy motioned for everyone to leave. “I’ll be in my room, brother. This is yours for the night.” The guy carried Andrea into another room and softly shut the door behind him. For a second, I was worried for her, but when I heard her laugh, I focused my attention back on Ben.
“How did you do that?”
“Do what?” Leaning down, Ben started tracing the edge of my jaw with soft kisses. He was distracting me, and it was working. With one quick move of his hand, he had removed his shirt and was leaning over me with his bare chest. His body was incredible. Two small tattoos were etched into his left forearm. I wasn’t sure what the symbols meant, but they had to have been important enough to him to mark his skin. My eyes followed the trail of chest hair to a piercing in his left nipple. Holy fucking hotness.