The Pieces that Built Me

by Amber Lacie

  Leaning against the doorway to my bedroom, I propped my hand on my hip. “Does this rant have a point?”

  Sighing, Andrea sat up and pulled a pillow in her lap as she turned to face me. “When was the last time you heard from August?”

  “My August?”

  “Yeah, but honey, he’s not yours anymore. You kicked him to the curb, remember?”

  I remembered. I was so angry I couldn’t see past my pain, and I pushed something really good away. “The last time I saw him was at Daniel’s funeral. Is there a reason you’re trying to make me cry?” Clenching my jaw, I glared at my friend across the room. Missing Daniel wasn’t something I was ever going to get used to, and I hated when she brought it up.

  “I’m just going to say it. Your August, the boy you were obsessed with all through high school, he’s the lead singer. Honey, Night Owls is his band.”

  He did it. Music was his passion. He had always wanted to become a famous musician and now he was. The goosebumps on my skin when I heard the songs made perfect sense. It was my natural reaction to him. Somewhere in the back of my mind I had always held out a little hope that we would find each other again. That maybe he would come for me and we could ride off into the sunset, but that wasn’t a reality. He was now untouchable. Besides, I had Jack––I didn’t need anyone else.

  “Good for him.”

  “Good for him? That’s all you have to say?”

  “What else do you want to hear? Do you want to know about the goosebumps I get when I hear his voice over the radio, or maybe you want to know why I still dream of him, or maybe… and this one is my favorite…why was I thinking of him when I found out I was pregnant and what he might have said if I was with him instead? If you can answer any of those questions for me, it would be greatly appreciated. Maybe you can help me understand the craziness that is my mind. However, I’m pretty sure you can’t. I’m going to bed.” The thought of slamming my door itched at the tip of my fingers, but Jack was sleeping, so I gently pushed it closed until it softly clicked into place.

  I wasn’t mad at Andrea. If anything, I owed her an apology for flying off the handle like that. I was jealous of August. He had done everything he set out to do and there I was––single, with a kid, working my ass off. My ex was in prison and I was sitting in a bedroom all by myself. The only company I had was my reflection in the mirror and it only reminded me of my deceased brother. Taking a few deep breaths, I changed into some shorts, threw on a t-shirt, and went to bed. There was no sense in dreaming of what ifs.

  “Arls, it’s dead.”

  “What?” Turning on my heel, I faced Andrea who was stretched out across my couch with a stack of magazines lying around her on the floor. She was attempting to find me the perfect outfit for a night out, but I had changed my mind. I wasn’t going anywhere.

  “The rug is dead. You’ve paced a giant hole in it. I heard it take its last breath. You can stop killing it now.”

  “Fuck off. You did this. Why couldn’t you just leave me alone?”

  “It’s your birthday. For the past two years, I have tried to get you to come out to a club with me, but you wouldn’t go.”

  “There’s a reason I won’t, and he’s asleep, or at least he should be sleeping.” Reaching into my purse, I pulled out my phone and started to send a text to her mom. What if Jack needed me? “I’ve never left him over night anywhere. He’s only three. He’s so little.”

  “He’s perfectly fine and you know it. He has everything he needs over there. You made sure of that yourself.” Jumping to her feet, Andrea walked over and snatched the phone from my hands.

  “I was using that.”

  “I know. That’s why I took it. Please, just get dressed. I don’t care what you wear at this point. Just put on a bra, throw on some jeans, and grab a shirt. Jen will be here in twenty minutes. You know she hates being late.”

  “She won’t be. You two can go together. I can fold laundry or something.” Sighing, I followed her as she dragged me into my bedroom and started tossing clothes at me. “It’s my birthday, right? Shouldn’t I be the one in charge of it?”

  Brushing the hair from her eyes, she held a grey sleeveless blouse in front of me. “Do you own anything that’s not gray and black? Jesus, Arls. If I didn’t know any better, I would think you were some sixty-year-old grandma. First, you want to stay in and now I can’t find anything that’s not appropriate for a funeral. Fuck it. Lift your arms.”

  Staring questioningly at Andrea, I watched as she pulled the dark blue dress she was wearing over her head. “Why are you getting naked?”

  “No questions, woman. Arms up.” Hoisting my arms above my head, I watched as the dark blue material swirled over me, sliding down my body. The low-cut neckline wasn’t as loose on me as it was on Andrea. If anything, my breasts filled it out a little bit more. I couldn’t help it, but I could tell by her sneer that she wasn’t pleased that it looked better on me. She always looked perfect in everything and I had finally out done her. I marked that as a win in my book.

  “I hate that you look so good in that dress. It’s bullshit.” Slipping my gray blouse over her head, she grabbed a pair of black capris from my closet. She stood in front of the mirror pulling at the clothes. She looked ready for work, not for a night out. Do I always dress like a bank teller? Perhaps I need some more color in my wardrobe. “I look so old. You owe me, Arls. You fucking owe me.”

  Covering my mouth, I tried to hide the giggle trying to escape, causing it to end up sounding more like a cough. Not saying anything, I grabbed my knee high brown leather boots and slipped them on as she slipped back into her flats. My fingers loosely brushed over the bottom hem of the dress, which stopped just above mid-thigh on my long legs. It was shorter than I was used to and I pulled at it just a bit, trying to make it longer.

  “Stop it. As much as I don’t want to admit it, you look hot. Now can we please grab our shit and go? I’m afraid if we stay here much longer I will end up doing your taxes.”

  Grabbing my purse off my dresser, I shook my head. “Why taxes?”

  “Because in this outfit I look like death. You know… death and taxes? Whatever, let’s just go. We can meet Jen outside. She’s not going to want to park.”

  Nervously, I looked around my apartment. Everything was in its place, except for Jack. “Fine, but I want you to make me a promise. If I want to call Jack and tell him goodnight, or even just send a text to check up on him, you let me. I don’t like the thought of not being able to reach him.”

  “Okay. I will agree to that if you understand we are doing this for your own good. You need to let loose sometimes. You’re a good mom, but that’s not all you are. You are a person who needs room to breathe and grow. That’s what we are doing tonight.”

  Absolute bullshit. I knew I was a good mom. Not wanting to go out didn’t mean I wasn’t growing as a person. It meant I just liked to stay at home, where I was comfortable, and there was nothing wrong with that. However, I knew Andrea, and I knew she wouldn’t give in, so I relented. “Fine. Can I ask where we are going?”

  “Nope.” Smiling, she grabbed her purse and held open the door. I was almost certain I was following a crazed lunatic out into the night. What could possibly go wrong?

  It was just beginning to drizzle as we stood outside in an endless line in front of Gangs. It was a local bar with enough room that it could host artist venues on the weekend. Famous musicians and actors were known for coming there after concerts and shows. People would wait in line to get in, hoping they would spot someone famous, instantly giving them a higher street credit rating. Getting in would be no easy feat.

  “You made me dress up to stand in the rain. There’s no way we are getting.” Looking over my shoulder at Andrea, I held my clutch above my head to protect myself from the rain. It wasn’t working well.

  “Hush. Just wait. We have to stand in line for a few minutes to make it look less noticeable. We’ll get in. No worries. Right, Jen?”

&nbs
p; Jen was digging through her purse, when she pulled out her phone and smiled at me. “I got this.”

  “How? I’m about ready to fall over in this line. I’m wet, cold, and tired. Bed sounds better.” I didn’t trust either of them. Ever since Andrea started working for Jen, she had gotten sneakier. Apparently, being a magazine editor was more cutthroat and devious than I realized.

  “I know the bouncer at the door tonight. He’s trying really hard to get in on the whole DJ scene. Anyways, we had a one-night fling a few weeks ago, which turned into a four-night binger. I might have taken some rather precarious pics on my phone. He can let us in, or I can send them to someone who would love to publish them.” Shrugging her shoulders, she gripped onto her purse, phone still in hand, and walked up to the bouncer. I couldn’t make out what she was saying, but he didn’t look impressed. Andrea snickered when we saw his eyes pop.

  “We are so getting in. Did you see his face? He saw the pics. Shit, now I want to see the pics. Remind me to steal her phone later.”

  Shaking my head, I ignored my intrusive friend as she leaned up on her toes to get a better view of Jen and the bouncer. Once Jen started walking back towards us, Andrea started clapping her hands excitedly. Jen held up her finger, and my stomach dropped. We got dressed up for nothing.

  “So?” Andrea twisted her fingers together as she looked at Jen.

  “We’re in.”

  Not being able to contain her excitement, Andrea started squealing while jumping up and down. Jen didn’t seem amused at all.

  “Stop that. You’re going to make us look like idiots. Act like you own the line, Andrea. You’re better than the sidewalk you’re standing on. Shoulders back and follow me.” We immediately fell in line behind Jen as she walked back towards the front of the line. The bouncer scowled at her as he opened the rope for us. If I were a betting person, I would place money on him and Jen never hooking up again. The anger radiated from his eyes as we passed him.

  Once we were in, Jen found us a table close to the stage, along the back wall of the lounge, and then she headed to the bar while Andrea and I made ourselves comfortable. There were a few men in black t-shirts and blue jeans setting up mics, along with speakers in front of us. I hadn’t looked at the sign out front to see if anyone was scheduled to play and curiosity was getting the best of me.

  “What’s the plan for tonight? Just drinks?”

  Andrea looked over towards a door, just off the stage and chewed her lips for a few seconds before finally responding to me. “Drinks and a little entertainment.”

  The way she wouldn’t look directly at me was an indicator that she had more up her sleeve. Not being able to handle what she had already thrown at me, I ignored the itching feeling to ask her what she was hiding. I would just have to deal with whatever it was, whenever it happened. Jen walked over with two beers and a Cosmo in her hand.

  “This pretty thing is for you. Happy Birthday.” Taking my drink from her hand, I watched as she handed the other beer to Andrea. We all held up our drinks in a toast for birthdays well spent. Taking a rather large sip from my Cosmo, I almost choked when I noticed someone familiar messing with a guitar on the stage.

  “Andrea. What the fuck is this?”

  “Um, it’s vodka and some pretty pink shit. Just drink it.”

  “Not the drink. Why does that guy look like Blake?” My heart slammed rapidly in my chest. The last time I had seen him, he was messing around with the drum set-up in my dad’s shop. He and Daniel were trying to figure out some song, but they were both awful at it. August was leaning back in a chair with his feet crossed, propped up on a speaker, while trying to give them better directions. Fuck. This isn’t happening. I closed my eyes and counted to ten. When I opened them, my worst fear was confirmed, Blake had recognized us and was walking over to our table.

  “My ladies. Holy shit, you guys got hotter.” Grasping my hand in his, he softly placed a kiss on the back of it, before grabbing Andrea’s hand repeating the same move. He stopped when he got to Jen. “I don’t know you, but I’d like to. You wait for me.” Kissing her cheek, he gave us a wink and hopped back up on stage.

  “When did he get so cocky?”

  Andrea shoved my shoulder while taking a sip from her beer. “He’s a rock star, babe. They’re all cocky.”

  “I don’t care if he’s cocky, or not. I want to know if he has the cock to back that up.”

  My eyes almost popped out of my head as I choked on my drink at Jen’s response. Both of my friends found it hilarious, while I, on the other hand, wondered how I got talked into going out with them.

  “Is he here?” My voice trembled with a nervous, low whisper. I wasn’t ready to see him. I adored his music. He had gone after his dream and he made it. Not everyone can say that. It meant something, and to me, that something made him untouchable. Sometimes, when his songs would play over the radio, I would pretend they were about me. I wasn’t naïve, though. His picture was constantly in tabloid magazines, posing with girls. The last time I saw his picture, he was posed with some model. He deserved a life of freedom––at least that’s what I told myself. If I pondered too long, my mind just filled with jealousy and what ifs. None of it helped me feel any better, so I did my best to ignore my mistakes.

  “I’m guessing he is. Blake’s part of the band, and I don’t see them showing up without a lead singer.”

  Nodding my head at Andrea, I took another large gulp of my drink. Jen stared awkwardly at me for a few seconds until she finally cleared her throat.

  “I’m missing out on something here. What is it?”

  Not saying anything, I looked at Andrea and lazily waved my hand in the air. I wasn’t going to explain myself to anyone. If Jen wanted the scoop she would need to get it from Andrea.

  “Well…Arlo and August used to date. They were like this secret couple in high school and then they dated after graduation for a bit.”

  “Huh. So, which one of you broke things off?” Jen was thoroughly invested in gaining whatever information she could. Propping her elbow on the table, she rested her chin on her fist, waiting for me to answer.

  “I did.” I took the last sip of my drink and gently laid it on the table in front of me.

  “Really? Why? Too dangerous? Too bad boy? Was he kinky?” Jen had it all wrong. He was none of those things. He was perfect, but at the time my heart was selfishly filled with guilt and heartache, so I pushed him away. She didn’t need to know about my August. My August. He might not be mine anymore, but that August, the earlier one who would write me songs, was still mine.

  Clearing my throat, I grabbed a twenty from my clutch, along with my drink and headed towards the bar. I needed a refill. To be honest, I needed a lot of refills. This was not how I wanted my night to go. Pajamas and a book was beginning to sound like a better idea as each second ticked by. I pretended not to notice the hushed whispers as I walked back to the table. The solemn look on Jen’s face told me she already knew. Andrea gave me a half smile and grabbed my hand in hers, confirming my suspicions. She had told Jen about Daniel. What specifically, I was not sure, but the sympathetic stares from Jen let me know she knew my brother had died.

  I had just finished my second drink, when Blake walked back out on the wooden stage. Girls were gathered around the edges, packed in like sardines between the tables. Tapping the mic with his finger, Blake gave us a wink, before looking back down at the girls in front of him.

  “Beautiful people! This is our last night in Chicago.” A deep sounding ‘awe’ rippled through the crowd. “I know, I know. Since this is our hometown, we thought we would come into our favorite bar and sing you guys a few songs. Now, I know not everyone can fit in here, so we’ve set a few speakers up outside for those of you listening from the sidewalk. Speaking of which, the Chicago Police would like me to remind you that they are here and will not hesitate to halt any shenanigans you’re all planning on doing. So, just don’t do anything I would do, and you should be good.” Giving a grin
to the crowd, he waved to one of the security guards standing by the bar who rolled his eyes at Blake’s performance.

  “Now, before I bring out the rest of the band, I want to remind the beautiful lady I met earlier tonight, that I know where you are sitting. I also want to remind you to wait for me, cause baby, I’m going to rock your world.” He grinned at a few tables before focusing on ours, while winking at Jen. Shaking my head, I let out a laugh, which caught his attention. “You laugh, but man I got news for you lady.” Turning his attention back to the crowd, he threw his hands up in the air. “We have two new songs for you guys tonight. Brand spanking new. Now let’s get the rest of the band out here. Without further adieu, I give you, The Night Owls.”

  A loud, roaring scream ripped through the bar. Andrea and Jen joined in the craziness while, I laughed, plugging my ears. Blake really knew how to work a crowd. Just as I looked over at Jen to ask her if she would get me another drink, August walked out on stage. My breath hitched in my chest, as I looked him over. The lean boy with long hair was long gone. His forearms flexed as he gripped the microphone in front of him. His muscles had finally caught up to his height. He was still lean, but he had muscles where he didn’t before. The long hair I had learned to adore, was now gone. His hair was much shorter now. A clean shave was tapered along the sides before leading up to the perfect wave of brown on top of his head.

  Raising one arm he waved to the crowd, before looking over his shoulder to talk to Blake. They whispered for a second, before August nodded his head agreeing to whatever it was Blake had said. His face turned back towards the lights on the stage and his hazel eyes glittered with excitement. He was God of the stage. His presence alone demanded respect and awe from the girls screaming his name in front of him. August slowly plucked at the guitar slung over his shoulder, resting loosely in his grip. The crowd screamed. Everyone knew that song. It was played over the radio frequently. They had even topped the charts for a few weeks with it.