by Amber Lacie
“You don’t know what you’re saying. Jack is older now, but he’s just a kid, and he needs me. Plus, there’s my job and apartment downtown. I’m trying to start a non-profit, and at the same time, I’m trying to handle the mess my dad left me with. I’m a hot mess, August. You don’t want me. You don’t want this.”
His index finger softly traced the curve of his bottom lip. His gaze was so intense. The nerves in my stomach began to eat at me as I tried to read his mind. My breath hitched in my throat as he turned his body towards me and grabbed my hand, placing it on his chest just above his heart.
“There’s nothing you could do to make this not love you. I’ve tried, Arls. I’ve tried to forget you, but my heart won’t let me. The only reason it beats is because it knows I will end up right here, with you. It’s where I belong. Don’t you get it? There’s nothing in this world that I want more than you. I love you.”
Another tear slipped down my cheek. His thumb gently brushed it away as he grasped my face in his hands. “Don’t cry. I don’t want you to hurt anymore.”
“What about Jack?”
“What about him? Do you think I would want to be with you and ask you to leave him behind? He’s a part of you. I want all of you. That includes Jack.”
“This is just too much.”
“Quit trying to handle everything, and just let go.” His warm lips pressed against mine and heat spread through my belly. His touch was incredibly calming. His forehead pressed against mine and I breathed him in.
“Friends. That’s what we need to be for now,” I whispered.
“Give me one good reason.”
“Jack.”
A cough echoed in the hallway. August pulled away from me as he turned to face Blake, standing in the doorway. “Dude, you have horrible timing.”
“Really, cause from what I saw, I made it just in time. Everyone is just standing awkwardly in the kitchen, while you two make-out. You about done?”
August flipped Blake off and then helped me up from the bed. “We will finish that kiss later.” Blush crept into my cheeks from just the possibility of what that could have meant.
When we entered the kitchen, Claudia was standing with her hands folded over the back of one of the chairs. The man in the jacket, who I assumed was the realtor, was leaning against one of the counters. Blake cleared his throat and stepped to the side as we walked in behind him. Claudia shook August’s hand and gave me a suspicious glance out of the corner of her eye.
“I think we are about done here. Is there anything else you’d like to see Mr. Knight?”
“No. I got what I came for. Carl, whatever the asking price is, go over it by five thousand.”
“August.” He couldn’t expect me to just stand there and let that happen.
“For once in your life, Arlington, let me do something for you without you trying to stop me.”
Claudia’s head snapped back and forth between us. Carl leaned stoically against the counter, as if August’s offer hadn’t fazed him at all. Blake laughed as he glanced over at me. The look of shock and confusion on my face must have been a sight to see.
“Cat got your tongue, girly? Looks like August finally got one over on you.”
“Shut up, Blake.”
Claudia began to clap her hands and speak directly with Carl, who was still rather unimpressed by it all. I looked up at August and he just smiled.
“Thank you for not fighting me on this.”
Pissed. Furious. Angry. The room shrank and the air from my lungs grew hot in my throat. I needed space. The screen door slammed against the house as I made my way outside, taking a huge breath of cold air. If he thought for one moment I would let him go through with it, he had another thing coming. I would fight him. The creek of the door opening and shutting behind me let me know I wasn’t alone. He had followed me.
August leaned against the railing on the steps, watching me. He was proud of himself. How could he possibly think this was okay? Was he that full of himself?
“Look at you, strutting about. You’re like a peacock showing off his feathers, and I don’t find it the least bit impressive.”
“Don’t use the word pea and cock in the same sentence with my name.”
“Why? Are you trying to avoid a size complex about how tiny your cock really is? You should own that shit. Wave your pea sized cock flag in the air.”
The glare he gave me could have melted Jack Frost himself. “You know better than anyone else that my cock and peas have nothing in common. If you need a refresher on the matter, I will gladly demonstrate.”
Fuck. My thighs clenched as I thought about taking him up on his offer, but I pushed the idea out of my mind. “Nope. I’m good.”
“There she is.”
“There who is?”
“The girl I knew in high school. Remember her? She was the one I fell in love with.” Being a songwriter gave him an advantage over me. I could never match my words for his. It was a battle I would never win.
“You should know she’s gone, August. She left a long time ago.” I shifted on my feet.
“No, she’s just hiding.”
I took a step back. “I don’t remember you being this witty and sure of yourself.” Deflection. It was the only move I knew how to do well.
He saw my move and countered me. “What do you remember?”
Memories flooded my mind as I closed my eyes. “I remember the garage. You would play your guitar and try to get the others to learn the notes you had in your head. I remember leaning back on my dad’s bikes and pretending not to watch, when I was.”
“What else?”
“I remember the first time you grabbed my hand. I was so nervous, but you didn’t notice. Do you remember when we would sneak around school, trying to see each other without being caught?”
“Yeah. I remember your lips always tasting like the bubblegum you were chewing. The first time I saw you, my heart skipped a beat and I couldn’t catch my breath. I watched you walk away that day and every time we’ve been together since. I don’t look away until you’re gone.”
His heart may have skipped beats, but mine was jumping valleys. “Why?”
August shrugged his shoulders as if it all made sense. “What if you changed your mind and you wanted to come back to me? I didn’t want to be the one to walk away. I didn’t want to miss a moment with you.”
“Is that a song?”
“No.”
“It should be.”
His hand softly reached out, grasping mine in his. “I know you said ‘friends’ because you want to make sure Jack is okay with everything. That tells me that you’re a good mom and I don’t want to overstep that. I’m here for two weeks and then I have a show in New York. That’s two weeks for me to prove to you why we belong together.”
“That’s not a lot of time.”
“What are you doing tomorrow?”
“Andrea is supposed to meet me here to finish boxing everything up.”
“I’m buying it for you, just leave everything.”
“No, you’re not. Also, I need to do this. It’s like closure for me. Besides, Daniel’s stuff is still here and I would really like that to be at home, with me.”
I could see the gears in his eyes start to turn as he was trying to figure out his next move. The corner of his mouth curled up and I knew I wasn’t going to survive this. “Are you going to be here all day tomorrow?”
“That’s kind of the plan.”
“Okay. Then, I’ll see you tomorrow. Thank you for today.”
“Um, I didn’t do anything.”
August shrugged his shoulders again, and placed a soft kiss on the back of my hand. I watched him as he walked to his car, followed by his goons.
My fingers gently traced the skin his lips had touched. The first time I was with August, he was forbidden. Then when we were finally able to be together, I pushed him away. The third time I walked away without letting him defend himself. This time, I was going to try my
hardest to let him in.
The next day slowly passed by. The empty garage was no longer. Instead, it was filled from wall to wall, ceiling to floor, of boxes and things that I was donating to a veteran’s auction. I no longer had a need for them. They were my dad’s, and even though over the past few years we had grown closer, I still had no attachment to them. The only things I wanted were carefully being wrapped up by Andrea in Daniel’s room. I thought we were almost done, until Alice mentioned the attic. The attic wasn’t a thought that occurred to me.
When I first walked up the rickety wood ladder I thought I would find some dust or maybe some old clothes. What I did find shocked me to my core. The attic was full of boxes, old letters from school, and I even found my brothers graduation cap. The part that stuck out to me, the one that rooted me into place, was Daniel’s guitar. Not only was it close to the attic door, it was well taken care of. Someone had even replaced the strings. When I picked it up, a letter fell to my feet, precariously straddling two awkwardly placed boards over the rafters.
The breath I was holding escaped my lungs as I flipped over the envelope a few times. The letters scribbled across the front spelled out my name. I carefully opened it, revealing two separate letters inside. One was addressed to Daniel and the other was to me. My knees bent beneath me and I sat carefully on the ladder as I began to read the letter meant for my brother.
Daniel,
I’m not good with words. You’re upset with me and I’m the only person to blame. My pride got in the way. There are things you don’t know, but if you come home, I’d like to talk to you about them. The way things are between us, the hate you have for me, I get it. Come home. Talk to me.
You’re probably thinking I’m shit. I’ve picked up the phone a couple of times when you called, but you don’t answer. I’m not mad. Your sister won’t tell me where you are. I’ve failed you. Just come home. I don’t how to get this to you, but I’m going to try.
It’s not like it seems. I love you. I only have myself to blame. Please, come home.
-Dad
A wet mark from a tear spread across the corner of the letter, bleeding the lines in the paper together. The pain in my heart for Daniel echoed in my soul. He never knew. I’m not sure if it would have made a difference, but maybe he would have been here today if my dad had reached him. The tears quickly turned to anger. Fuck my dad. If only he would have asked…if he would have told me how he felt, I would have helped him. Instead, he hid away in the garage working––ignoring the world.
I tucked the letter for Daniel back in the envelope and opened mine. Confusion and pain raced through me as I read the words in black ink.
Arlington,
My beautiful girl––I wrote a letter to Daniel. It was in my pocket the day he died. I never took a step to fix things between us and it kills me every day. There are things you don’t know, and I need to come clean. Just know that I love you. I watch you with my grandson and my heart is so full, knowing what a beautiful mother you are. You’re a better person than me and always have been. I love you. Forgive me. There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it.
Lilly isn’t your mother. When I was eighteen, I fell in love with a beautiful brown-haired girl named, Paige. She had brown hair with soft curls at the end that fell around her shoulders, and freckles on her nose, just like you. We dated for a while and eventually we got married. She was so excited when we found out we would be adding to our family of two. What we didn’t expect were twins. When the doctor told us, your mom cried. She loved you so much.
She spent the better part of eight months getting everything ready for you. Everything was picked out, especially for you two. The night before you were born she started having bad pains in her side. She spiked a fever and I rushed her to the hospital. On the way there, her water broke. Nothing could prepare me for anything that happened next. Just know I tried.
You came first. The nurses brought you to her bedside and she kissed your forehead. And then it happened––Daniel was coming. Her eyes closed, and nurses started yelling out words I didn’t understand. Your brother was stuck, and alarms began to scream. I was pushed out of the room, but I refused to leave. I stood in the door and watched as the life in the bed faded in front of me. Just a few minutes after you were born, your mother had left us.
What was I supposed to do? I didn’t know how to raise a baby, let alone two. I was alone and lost. I met Lilly at a store, and she saw me juggling everything and trying to calm two babies at the same time. We started talking and she entered our lives. I thought she loved me. I thought she loved you. I thought she was going to love you like her own, but I was wrong.
Your mom’s parents passed away, leaving her a bit of money behind. We weren’t rich by any means, but we were better off than most. We bought this house together and we were going to make it into a home. But then she was gone. When Lilly came into the picture, I thought it was love. I was blinded, dumb, and lost. She saw me for the money your mother left us. She ran us into the ground. Once I was destitute, she grew angry and started to resent you kids. That’s why she left. It’s also why she hated you both so much. I refused to give her the last of the money I had saved. I chose you two over her and she left.
I don’t know why I let her come back so many times. I don’t know why I didn’t put a stop to it. I thought if I could show her how good things could be, she would stay and then you both would have a mother again. I wasn’t the best dad and I own that. I was never a good parent. I provided you with shelter and food, but then I left you to raise yourselves.
It’s my fault Daniel couldn’t see his worth. It’s my fault he didn’t know any love, but yours. If I could take it back, if I could fix everything and start over, I would. I never handled things properly and I drank too much.
You sound just like your mom when you talk, everything about you screams, Paige. Daniel reminded me of myself. He was always getting into trouble. When I drank, I would blame him for her death.
It wasn’t right or fair to him. I told him one night he was the reason you two didn’t have a mom. I told him how you reminded me of her, but he reminded me of myself, and I hated myself. As he got older, he had problems with school and I ignored them until it was too late. By then, he wanted nothing to do with me. I gave up on him.
When I found out you were pregnant, I thought it was my chance to show you I could be a good dad. I could at least love my grandchild, like I was supposed to love my son. I tried. We haven’t always agreed, and I know you don’t love me like I want you to. Just know I’m sorry. For everything. Forgive me, or don’t, I can’t control that––but at least now my conscious is clear, even if it’s just in a letter. I love you.
Dad xx
Words failed me. Thoughts failed me. What. The. Fuck. I sat at the top of the ladder, staring at the words on the page. My whole life was a lie. I slid the letter back into the envelope, but it wouldn’t fit. Something was keeping it from sliding into place, so I pulled out Daniel’s letter and peered inside. There was a small picture in the corner. I knew without a doubt that the woman in the picture was my mom. I looked just like her. There was no way anyone could ever deny it.
As I flipped it over in my hand I read the words etched on the back, ‘With all my love, Paige xx’. My eyes were fixated on memorizing every curve of her face when I heard a crash downstairs. Another loud bang happened, followed by what sounded like glass breaking. I clenched the letters in my hand, and tucked my real mom’s picture into my back pocket and rushed down the ladder, into the kitchen.
“Alice, what happened? I thought—”
“Arlington.”
I knew that voice without having to look at her. Rage. Unbridled rage filled my body as I lunged at the woman who ruined my life. Satan reborn was standing in the kitchen, and I was going to send her back to the depths from whence she came. “I hate you. I fucking hate you.” Screams and unrecognizable sounds ripped from my throat. Andrea stood to the side of me, eye
s wide, frozen at the state of my loss of control.
Alice gently placed her hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay. I won’t let her stay. I was already asking her to leave before you came down.” Her words gave me enough pause to breathe.
“Get out.” I spit the words out, hating the sight of her in my childhood home. The place she ruined with her lies.
“Now, Arlington––is that any way to speak to your mother? I know we haven’t always gotten along, but—” Lilly held her perfectly manicured hands up in front of her as I took a step closer. Alice pulled back on my arm, and I stopped just short of reaching Lilly.
“You. Are. Not. My. Mother.”
Lilly took a step back, shifting her eyes to the others standing in the room. “Of course, I am. I came to talk to you about the house, but it seems you’re too good to let me know when the father of my children passes away. What gives you the right—”
“You are not my mother. Get out.”
“Arlington.”
“No. You are a lying, manipulative bitch who took advantage of a widowed father.” Her smile fell as my words hit her like knives. “You are not my mother. I know the truth, you back-stabbing wench. Get the fuck out. Now.” I clenched my hands into fists while I stood there staring at her, seething with anger.
“You don’t know everything. He wouldn’t do that. He promised.”
Alice gently grabbed my shoulder and pulled me to her side. “Look at me, Arlo. You don’t need this. Not now. Not ever. I’ll walk her out.”
My heart still can’t contain the amount of love I had for the woman who was standing in front of me, trying to hold the devil at bay. For every step Alice took forward, Lilly took one back until she stumbled out of the door, down the steps, and into the driveway.
“I’ll go. I’ll leave, but I want you to know that you’re no better than your whoring mother. It’s a good thing Daniel killed her when he ripped through her. God knows the world couldn’t handle anymore atrocities like you and your brother.” Lilly glared at me, but she should have been paying attention to the woman defending me. Alice pulled her arm back and released a storm of anger into Lilly’s face. She stumbled back, and Alice continued to move forward, pushing Lilly to the ground.