by Amber Lacie
He nodded his head and buried his face into my shirt. He didn’t make a sound. His shoulders shook, and tears flooded his eyes, but he never made a sound. Silent cries are the worst kind of pain. Your heart is broken, and you are left numb from the shock. Eventually, a tiny sob fell from his lips and I squeezed him as hard as I could.
My father may have been an asshole, but he was still my dad. I wish Daniel could have seen him with Jack. Losing Daniel took its toll on all of us. Although, my dad had a hand in most of the pain my brother felt over the years, I think Alice was right––my dad looked towards Jack as his second chance. He knew what happened when you push love away, and he didn’t want to make that mistake twice. My dad loved Jack. They were partners in crime. And now, my son was without his partner.
Days passed slowly as Alice helped me deal with everything. My dad never wanted a funeral, or anything elaborate like that. I remember after my pet rabbit died, my dad was talking about death. He told me that day that when he died he wanted his ashes sprinkled on the ivy at Wrigley Field, and if that couldn’t happen, to sprinkle him over Lake Michigan. It was a rather dark subject to talk about with an eight-year-old who was still crying over her rabbit, but that was my dad.
He was never in the running for a parent of the year award, but he was the one who stuck around. I prayed every night for a week that I wouldn’t have to deal with Lilly, though I knew eventually she would show up. She would come by to see what her gain was, and as much as I didn’t want to see her, I couldn’t wait to tell her she didn’t get anything from my dad. Not one cent. It was the only thing that made me slightly smile.
Color-coded files were stacked up on the corner of my desk. I knew taking a few weeks off would put me behind, but I didn’t expect it to snowball so rapidly. Between Christmas shopping, volunteering at Jack’s school, the non-for-profit in Daniel’s name, work, and getting my dad’s shop prepped for sale, I had little time for anything else. It was the second week of November and my mind was so scattered, I was having a hard time focusing. Todd helped me set a schedule and would send me emails to remind me of where I was supposed to be and at what time. It was something he would normally do with Christina, but ever since my dad passed, he had taken me on as well.
I’m not sure if Christina had asked him to, or if it was something he had done on his own, but it didn’t matter. Either way, it was greatly appreciated. The alarm on my phone started going off and I hit the snooze button without looking at it.
“The whole point of the alarm is for you to get off your ass,” Todd said, leaning against my door.
“I know what the damn alarm means. I can call and reschedule. Look at this stack of papers. It’s not going to go away on its own.”
He arched his brow as he countered my reaction. “And your dad’s place isn’t going to sell on its own, either.”
“That, my friend, is why I pay a realtor.”
“Whom, I do recall, you were very adamant with about being there for any showings.”
“I just want to make sure whoever buys it, knows what they are getting. That shop was my childhood. It might not have always been great, but it’s still mine.”
Black shoes shuffled across the room to the end of my desk, and my eyes traveled up the perfectly ironed pants and gray sweater, to the eyes of one of my only friends. “Have you thought about putting this off? Maybe you’re not ready for this.”
“I can’t put it off anymore. He left so much debt behind. Selling the shop, along with the house is the only way I’m going to make a substantial sized dent in it.”
“Then you can’t reschedule. Get your ass up. If you get there on time, it shouldn’t take too long. Then you can hop in a cab and get your ass back here before lunch.”
Damn it. I hated when he was right. “Fine, but if this blows up in my face, I get to blame you.”
“You blame me for everything.”
“Because you’re always fucking shit up.”
“You are the only person here who thinks that.”
I picked up a paperclip from off my desk and lobbed it at him, but since I have terrible aim, I missed my target. “Shouldn’t you be working?”
“Yes, but I find involving myself in your life makes me feel like a better person. I’m in here trying to improve my life, Arlo. Either help, or be gone.”
“Oh, my God, Todd! Get out.”
He flipped up his middle finger as he let out a little tweeting sound while leaving my office. He’s a pain in my ass sometimes, but at least he keeps things interesting. I grabbed my phone and tossed it into my purse as I headed out of my office. A smile played on my lips as I passed Todd’s office, flipping him off. The fucker had the audacity to blow me a kiss back.
“I already called you a cab, Princess. No thank you necessary.”
I mumbled a thank you under my breath and hopped into the elevator. He really knew how to get on my nerves, but I might have loved him, just a little bit for it.
The shop floor was empty. The tools, jacks, and oil stains were still there––but it was empty. There were no motorcycle in pieces, scattered along the floor, and my dad wasn’t covered in grease, bent over his workbench, fixing some part he felt just needed a little more love. It was just a room. I hated it.
A cab had dropped me off ten minutes ago, and the sound of gravel crunching let me know I wasn’t alone anymore. It was nice to be able to walk the property again before anyone else arrived. Claudia stepped out of her silver Impala, pulling the wrinkles out of her skirt.
“Miss Byres, it’s a pleasure.”
I had to suppress a giggle as she shook my hand with her bright smile on display. She was always so poised and professional. I had hired her on Christina’s suggestion. After meeting her, I asked Christina if Claudia was always so uptight. We agreed that she was most likely a virgin, and suffered from never experiencing the dick. That, or she had too much fun with a toy, and it was still lodged in her ass. She wasn’t very personable, but Christina said Claudia was a shark when it came to sales. With that kind of smile, she definitely seemed shark-like to me.
“Shall we go inside? I’m sure you’re eager to get everything started.”
“I am. Do you know when the potential buyers will be here?”
“It should be any minute now.” She waved her hand in the air and I led us into the house, through the side door. Everything was pristine. The faint smell of bleach still hung in the air from the cleaning company I had paid to come and freshen it up a bit. The cabinets and appliances were out of date, but they were well taken care of. My fingers were crossed that they wouldn’t hurt the sale.
Claudia, set her briefcase on the table and pulled out a few sheets of paper. “For the buyer.” She smiled, and I nodded. The pit of nerves in my stomach grew as they began to eat me alive. The sound of a car door shutting pulled my eyes to the window. A man, in a red one-piece, stepped out of a black suburban.
Was he really wearing a one-piece short outfit? Who does that? I was so stunned by the first man’s appearance, I hadn’t noticed the other two men following him in tow until they were standing in my kitchen. The floor fell out from underneath me as I gripped onto the table.
Blake was standing in the middle of my kitchen in a red jumpsuit with tiny Dalmatians all over it. Beside him was a man in a black suit jacket and dark jeans. The men parted and between them stood August. I wasn’t ready for it. In a million years, I wouldn’t have been ready to see him standing there.
Claudia greeted them all and offered to show them around the place. The man in the jacket and Blake walked passed me, into the living room. I stood completely still, gripping the table as I stared at the man left in the kitchen.
“Your knuckles are white. You can let go now. The table isn’t running off.” He chuckled as he ran his fingers through his short hair. He looked the same. Scruff trimmed the edges of his jaw––the only difference was the two wrinkles that were permanently etched in his forehead. His white t-shirt fit him like a g
love, and his dark jeans sat low on his hips, causing my breath to catch in my throat.
What right did he have to come back into my life again, with his ‘holy shit rock-god’ good looks? It isn’t fair. “What are you doing here?”
“That’s what you’re going to start with? Not, a how have you been, August? I missed you August. Nothing?”
“Forgive me if I don’t have a better response, but what the fuck are you doing here?”
He sighed, and I melted. I hated that he had that effect on me. The last time I had seen him was the night he told me he loved me, but the next morning, I had found out he was engaged. So much for love.
“I came here to buy the place, Arls. I know he didn’t always do right by you, but he was your dad. Do you really want to let this place go?”
No, I don’t. Yes, I do. Maybe. I don’t know. The words fell in my mouth, but I held it shut. He chose his path and I chose mine. Neither were connected. “It’s none of your business what I do and don’t do.” Anger crawled along my skin. What right did he have to make me feel like that again? “Where do you get off?”
“Excuse me?”
“Why do you keep coming back? I push you away…you come back. I let you in, and then everything goes wrong.”
“I’m here to buy the place, not to sweep you off your feet, Arlo.”
“Oh.” I watched, as he walked by me with his hands raised in the air as if he was under attack.
“I’ll save the sweeping for later.” August gave me a wink as he disappeared down the hallway.
What? I couldn’t decide if I had heard him correctly, so I waited impatiently in the kitchen while Claudia showed them the house. It was pointless. August knew the entire layout of the house, but then again, Claudia didn’t know that. Once they had gone through the house and outside to the garage, I snuck down the hall and into my dad’s room.
A worn black comforter was folded neatly, revealing the gray plaid flannel sheets on the bed. My fingers ran along the dresser. I had packed most of his belongings up already. His clothes, minus a shirt or two, I had donated to a homeless shelter. The drawers were empty. The closet was vacant. The only sign left of my father in the room were two pictures on his nightstand. One was of my brother and I when we were little. We were building a sandcastle at the beach, and the sun sparkled on Daniel’s sunglasses. Brown freckles sprinkled our noses and bright white smiles were cast on our faces. We looked so happy. The other picture was of Jack. It was his first day of kindergarten. His backpack hung awkwardly off his shoulder, and his brown hair was combed to the side. His one dimple was displayed proudly as Jack smiled with excitement. My baby is beautiful.
I carefully picked up the frame and traced his face with my fingers. When he smiled like that he looked just like Ben. I could see the mischief in his smile, where his lips curled up. The one lone dimple sealed the deal. At the same time, he reminded me of my brother. His deep brown eyes and freckled nose mirrored mine, just as Daniel’s had.
“Hey, I just wanted to let you know were done.”
The sound of August’s voice behind me made me jump, causing me to drop the frame. I picked it up off the floor and inspected the two long cracks in the glass, traveling down Jack’s face. “Fuck. I cracked it.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”
“Damn it. It’s fine. Now, I have to take out the glass.” My fingers carefully peeled back metal tabs on the frame as I slipped the cardboard out. Pulling out the picture, I laid it on the bed. I was careful to pull the pieces of glass out one by one as I set them on the nightstand. Before I could grab Jack’s picture to put it back into place, August had already picked it up.
“Daniel?” His hazel eyes questioned mine. I softly shook my head no. “He looks just like Daniel.”
“I know.” It wasn’t something I ever thought I would have to explain to him. “That’s Jack.”
August glanced over the picture again, taking his time to inspect it before handing it back to me. “This is Jack?”
“That’s what I said.”
“He looks just like Daniel…he looks just like you.”
What does he want me to say? He was fishing for answers, but I didn’t know which ones he wanted. “That he does.”
“Can you say something else? You just keep agreeing with me.”
“What do you want me to say, August? I don’t need to explain my life to you.”
“No, but you can sure as hell explain why you left me at a hotel thinking you were with someone else. I thought I was messing up your life. I thought you were with someone.”
“It didn’t matter. You were fucking engaged. I told you what you needed to hear. I don’t need to explain myself.” Streams of anger rolled off my shoulders as I gently placed Jack’s picture in the frame and set it back on the nightstand. I could feel the glare from August burning into my back. Why wouldn’t he go? “Just tell me what you want from me.”
“The same thing I’ve always wanted. Honesty––and you. That’s it. Just be honest with me.”
“Truth for truth. I spill my guts and you spill yours. Deal?”
“Deal.”
I turned around to face him as he sat on the edge of the bed. My fingers itched to run through his hair, and the mere thought of touching him filled my head. I needed to think of a distraction, so I started to pace back and forth. He reached out and grabbed my hand, halting my steps.
“Baby, sit.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t call me that. I’m not yours anymore.”
“According to you. But I feel differently. Just sit.”
Why did his touch feel so good? I sat down on the edge of the bed, making sure there was enough room between us, so we didn’t touch. I even went as far as grabbing a pillow and placing it in the middle, as a barricade. “I’m not good with this kind of stuff. Every time I have had to deal with something, I have done it on my own. It’s how it’s always been. I wasn’t expecting you today. You threw a wrench in my plans and I don’t know how to handle it.”
“Don’t handle it. Just talk to me.”
“About what, August? About how I pushed you away after my brother died because I couldn’t love him enough to save him? Maybe you want to talk about how you became a rock star and I stayed here, drowning in grief. Maybe you want to know about how I ran into someone else’s arms because they made me feel something. I was attracted to danger because it made me feel alive. It was like lightening across my skin. I knew I was going to get hurt, but I didn’t care. Is that what you want to hear? How about all the times I was so careless with my body and I did nothing to protect it? Does that make you feel better?”
“What do you mean you did nothing to protect your body? Did someone hurt you? I’ll fucking kill them.” He clenched his jaw as his hands formed into fists on his lap.
“No. I’m mad, and that came out wrong. Do you remember Ben?”
“The guy that Daniel lived across from?”
“Yes, that Ben.”
“Vaguely. Why?”
Out of habit, I began to trace the note on my finger once more. I took a deep breath and looked into his hazel eyes. “A few months after you left, Ben and I started to hang out. He was dangerous. I knew it, but I ignored it. I was so empty and numb. Being with him made me feel something, and even if it was bad, it was something. Ben took care of me. Anything I needed, or wanted, he could have gotten for me. He was the king and I was his queen. Then, I found out I was pregnant. I wanted him to walk away from it all, and I thought he did.” Taking another deep breath, I slowly released it. “I was wrong. He thought he was untouchable. One day, I went out shopping for the baby, and before I had even made it home the FBI and DEA had swarmed our apartment. They took everything, except the money he had given me that morning to go shopping. I was officially a single mom and I hadn’t even had the baby, yet.”
“Wow.” He sat stoically next to me. He barely moved as he took in everything I just threw at him. “That’s a lot.”
“I know.”
“So, Jack?”
“He’s my son.”
August sat on the edge of the bed still frozen. I stared at his shoulders to make sure they would rise with a breath. Everything I dropped on him was huge. It often crushed me, and I had time to adjust to it all. I couldn’t imagine absorbing all of that at once.
“Then why, when we were at the hotel, did you let me believe he was your boyfriend? Why did you let me assume you were with someone else?”
“Because you were engaged to that model. What difference did it make if I used him as an out? It’s not like you were going to stay in the picture long.”
“I wasn’t fucking with her. How many fucking times do I have to tell you that? Jesus fucking Christ! I hate that woman. We dated for a few months and she wanted more than I could give her. When I called it off, she went off the fucking deep end. She would show up at concerts, venues, parties, or basically wherever I was, just to say she was with me. Somehow, she’d force her way into a picture with me. Do you know how many times I had to have security take her away?”
No, no, no. This didn’t make any sense. I saw the ring. “But you were engaged. There were pictures and she admitted it. If you weren’t with her, why didn’t you try harder to make me listen?”
“We weren’t ever engaged. She bought that fake ring and made sure to flash it around, so people thought we were. She lied, Arls. That’s what she does––she fucking lies. I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen, and then you said you were with somebody named Jack.”
Tears slipped from my eyes. I had pushed him away without even giving him a chance. Selfish stupidity had kept me from him––again. “August, I––I didn’t know.”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t fucking know who Jack was, either. I wouldn’t have cared. The only thing that hurts is that he’s not mine. I would have given anything to have that kind of life with you. Fuck, I’d give anything now.”