Love is a Finite Experience

by B Anders

  "You can see the 'effin' statue, she says. You know what I saw, Harper? Mud," Courtney was fuming.

  "Did the trees block the view?"

  "What view?" Courtney fumed. "All I saw was more trees!"

  "Oh, my bad. Sorry," Harper sounded anything, but remorseful. “You must be right, wrong direction.”

  Courtney asked in a sharp tone, "Can we get back on the road now?"

  "Sure, I took care of my business."

  ***

  "The Statue of Liberty is this blind woman standing in the middle of the ocean scooping up boat people." You were doubtful looking at me. "Honest, sort of, I guess."

  Harper always loved bridges. The idea of steel and concrete spanning water was for her the ultimate statement of the human need to remake creation. The fact that their builders hung their grand designs so high as to allow sea-going ships to pass under them only seemed to reinforce Harper’s notion of a world retrofitted into human dimensions.

  Harper always considered New York's George Washington Bridge fairly impressive for a man made wonder. Its function was to straddle the great Hudson, linking the boroughs of New York to the wilds of New Jersey. However, the unobstructed north and south views stood out in stark, naked beauty as travelers emerged from the brick forest of the city. Harper sat in quiet contemplation of the scenery well past the midway point, before pulling out her map and beginning to scribble.

  "What?" Courtney glanced to her right before turning her attention back to the road. "What are you writing now?"

  "Just taking down some notes. It’s nothing really."

  When Harper put the map back. Courtney sighed softly. Harper could see the unspoken annoyance in the tilt of the other woman’s head. She didn't want to upset Courtney, but explaining what she was doing was too hard. Besides, she would need to understand her own actions. Since she didn't understand her compulsion, silence, she decided, was her best option.

  "Okay, so don't tell me." Courtney mumbled. "I think I need another pit stop. Drank too much of that damn Pepsi. How about the next rest area?"

  "God, no!" Harper declared. "The Vince Lombardi is next."

  "So? What’s wrong with Vince Lombardi? They don’t stock Pepsi or something?"

  "Very funny. Don’t you know anything? You need to have all your shots up to date and hip waders for the bathrooms 'cuz of the septic backwash."

  "Ewe," Courtney made a face. "I think I’ll pass on that. How about the one after that?"

  Harper smiled, "The Alexander Hamilton? Excellent choice."

  "Alright, I'll press onward to a clean bathroom, but I want something in return."

  Harper raised an eyebrow. "Like what?"

  "What made that week in Graeme’s World so special? You said it was the happiest week of your life, right?"

  "This is blackmail, but I'll play along for Alexander Hamilton," Harper conceded. "My folks were on exceptionally good behavior. Things were financially tough for us after Tommy’s accident, but somehow they got the money for the trip from a charity. I don't remember which one. But, there was plenty of cash and my parents were smiling and taking pictures and home movies to show the trustees of the charity what great, fabulous parents they were. So, everything was rosy." Harper snorted, "Maybe they thought they would see more cash if they proved we had fun."

  "I don’t get it. If it was all just for show," Courtney began. "And, you knew it was just an act to weasel more money out of some charity, why do you want so desperately to recreate it? If it was fake, why relive a lie?"

  "Because," Harper said as she pulled out her map to start making more notes, "it was the only time my parents ever tried to make a happy memory. I'll take fake happy over the painful truth any day. Fake beats out all those brutally honest moments when they let me know they wished Tommy, and I were never born."

  ***

  The lights flashed so red and bright

  Our car was inside out

  Mom was sprawled on the grass

  The air was clogged with stinking gas

  Me beside her, not a word spoken

  At my feet, your body lay broken

  "You were right," Courtney said as she returned to the car.

  Harper was sitting on the hood, munching on a tuna sandwich. "What was I right about?"

  "This rest stop being an excellent choice. Nice bathrooms." Courtney asked, "Does it break the rules if I get a cup of coffee?"

  "Depends. Did you already get it?"

  "Yep, and it was delicious."

  "Then," Harper said, "You didn’t break the rules."

  Courtney smiled and asked, "Are there actually rules, Harper? If there are, then maybe you should share them with me. You know, so I won't accidentally break any. I’m a stickler for rules."

  Harper closed her eyes. She let the breeze blow back her hair. It was crisp, late fall, still a few weeks from the official start of winter. Football season. The time of year smart people spent getting ready for blizzards, and sentimental fools wasted time going back to school for homecoming to relive what they believe to be the best years of their lives. But, most of the time it was just the last time they had a future worth thinking about. Harper knew that feeling well. Fall always meant the end of another school year and one year closer to breaking free of her parents’ chokehold on her life. How could she know back then that they would actually break free from her and leave her their responsibility?

  "There are rules. I'd love to share them with you..."

  Courtney groaned, "There's a ‘but’ coming."

  "But," Harper flinched with the word. "I don't exactly know all the rules myself. They sort of come to me as we go."

  "Is that what you're writing? You know you can talk to me about it."

  Harper shook her head. "No, I can't talk to you about it. That is not right now. And, I need you stop asking me about the writing."

  Courtney raised her hands in surrender. "Okay. I'm just going to grab a hot dog. I’m starving. You want to take the wheel for a while?"

  "I can't."

  Courtney was stumped, "Why not? It’s just a car, an expensive one, but it is still just a car. I trust you not to wreck it."

  "Still can't."

  Courtney groaned. "Come on, give me a break."

  "Sorry, but no."

  "This ought to be good," Courtney muttered. "Why not?"

  "Because," Harper said with infinite patience, "I need to make my notes."

  "Oh, for God's sake!" Courtney scoffed quietly and walked over to her side of the car. "Fuck the hot dog, it doesn’t matter. Let's just go. You better jump in or you’re so gonna be a hood ornament for the next two hundred miles."

  Harper understood Courtney's unspoken anger. She would have been furious if their roles were reversed. Still, she could not do anything different from the way things were unfolding. She was bound by these baffling and senseless rules that revealed themselves at the most inopportune times.

  ***

  "No, the final answer is no. That is just so fuckin’ nuts. We're not doing it just because you say we 'have to' do it, okay?"

  Harper was beside herself with anxiety. She could barely stammer out the words. "But, we have to! It’s part of the rules."

  "No, abso fuckin’ lutely not. We have no reason to stop. We're making fantastic time. It's just after two. It’s too early to stop for the day. For crap's sake, where are we? Delaware? We're only in Delaware, and I’m not stopping in the middle of the dullest state in the entire continental forty-eight because you slept in some flea-bitten motel here thirty years ago. Harper, you need to be reasonable."

  "This is where we stopped last time. We have to. It will be ruined if you don't stop. It's the next exit. We've only got five miles to resolve this, and we have to resolve it so that we can stay here tonight," Harper was frantically babbling. "Shit, four miles. Come on, we have to stay here tonight. Please, Courtney. Pretty, please."

  Courtney took a deep breath, "There are hours of solid driving time left. We can't just s
top here for the night. Harper, that just nuts. We haven’t even had a real lunch yet for cryin’ out loud."

  "I am nuts, remember? I tried to off myself with a blunt object in a cemetery." Harper finally snapped, "Oh fuck it. If you're not going to do this right, I might as well fuckin' get out at the next stop and take the Amtrak home. The trip is ruined if you won't do it right."

  Courtney's jaw dropped. "Are you serious?" A glance at Harper's face revealed the answer. "Shit, you are serious. Okay, wait. We’re two adults here. We should be able to reach a compromise. Let's just think about it. What do you need to do here? Do you need to stop or spend the night?"

  Harper was so startled by the idea of just stopping she didn't have a ready reply.

  “Hmmmmm,” Harper struggle for words.

  “Harper, what do the rules say?”

  "I'm not sure."

  "Good, then its settled. We'll just stop. You do what you need to do, and I’ll get a Red Bull and a burger. Afterwards, we’ll fill up the tank and then beeline it to DC."

  Harper nodded in silent agreement, and Courtney picked up speed as they headed for the off ramp. She seemed to have a purpose. Harper imagined it was to get off the highway and then back on as soon as possible to deny Harper of a chance to change her mind.

  ‘I hope she succeeds.’ Harper thought in a rare moment of crystal clarity.

  ***

  Head down, Harper walked briskly across the half-empty parking lot, her arms wrapped tight around her waist. Increasing her grip with her left hand, she reached out with her right to grab the door handle.

  "Shit," she hissed between clenched teeth. "Locked."

  Harper could feel the sweat beading on her forehead. She needed to get in the car. An idle thought of smashing the window in was quickly dismissed. Harper knew she couldn't afford to draw attention to herself, not here, not now. Instead, she circled around to the driver's side, but that door was locked too.

  "Fuck!"

  "What are you doing now? Wait don’t tell me, I don’t want to know.”

  "Holy crap!" Harper jumped at the voice behind her before spinning around to face Courtney. "Unlock the doors quick, we got to get moving."

  Courtney stood staring as Harper ran around the car, back to the passenger side.

  "Come on, hurry up!" Harper tried not to shout as she pulled at the car door. Her eyes wide pools of panic.

  Shaking her head, Courtney used the remote to unlock the doors. Harper all, but folded herself into the front seat and slammed the door shut. She could see Courtney approach the driver's side. She took a deep breath, slowly counted to ten, before opening the door and getting in. Harper stayed hunkered down on the front seat. She couldn’t stop grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

  "Let's go! You were the one in such a hurry to stay on the road, so get going," Harper gleefully egged on the other woman from her spot just below the window.

  Courtney shook her head. "Not until you tell me what you're hiding under your jacket. You’re too old to be shoplifting."

  "What the fuck? How did you... Never mind. Doesn't matter. It's nothing. Let's go."

  "Harper, cut the crap. We aren't leaving until you show me what you took," Courtney was determined.

  "Oh for fuck sake," Harper whined. "Can't I show you in DC?"

  "No," Courtney answered calmly. “Harper, I’m not asking you twice.”

  "Fine.”

  Harper pulled the folded white material out from under her jacket and flashed it at Courtney before bunched it back up again. Courtney did not start the car.

  "You saw it, now let's hit the road. Come on. A deal’s a deal."

  "You're stealing a towel? Another towel from a place we didn't even stay at. We stopped in the middle of fuckin’ Delaware so you could steal a stupid souvenir towel." Courtney chewed on the words. "Are you going to be stealing towels the whole ride?"

  "Maybe," Harper replied cautiously unwilling to look Courtney in the face.

  Courtney rolled her eyes. "So are you planning on stealing anything bigger than a towel? Like a purse or a gun or someone’s car with their baby strapped in the back seat?"

  "Probably not."

  Courtney drummed her fingers on the steering wheel.

  "Most likely not," Harper offered, hoping to move the conversation forward.

  Courtney made no attempt to start the car.

  "How 'bout, I'll let you know if I'm going to steal something big before I actually take it?"

  "First off, I don't like the stealing. I don't want to get arrested in Asswipe, Georgia by some redneck named Fudrucker because you had to go clip the silverware from Stuckey's. I’m too fuckin’ old to be jail bait."

  Harper gave Courtney a reassuring smile. "The only thing worth stealing there is a log roll, and I think you could still pass for jail bait. You know, under the right lighting. You got killer cheek bones."

  Courtney did not smile.

  "Sorry," Harper offered by way of an apology.

  “Harper I’m serious.”

  "I know.”

  “Harper...”

  “Okay, I'll tell you the next time before I take anything."

  "Don’t bother, you suck at it. I saw you a mile away scampering across the parking lot stuffing that thing under your jacket. The only reason nobody else saw you is because this place is dead. It’s a goddamn ghost town. Everything’s closed. I couldn't even get a burger," Courtney replied.

  “Sorry.”

  “Oh, just shut up. Look, instead of stealing, can't we just buy the stuff?" Courtney asked. “You know like normal people or is it against the rules?”

  Harper thought about it for a few minutes, "I don't know. We'll have to see how it goes. Courtney, are you angry with me?"

  Courtney put the key in the ignition. "Angry? That doesn't begin to cover what I'm feeling. Whatever! Just don’t expect me to bail your stupid butt out of jail. I will leave your thieving ass behind so fast it will make your head spin like Linda Blair in the ‘Exorcist’."

  Harper thought to herself as Courtney drove back to the highway, ‘I've been on my own my entire fuckin’ life. Why should it be any different with you?’

  ***

  The road disappeared in a blur under the spinning wheels, mile after furious mile. Harper did her best to keep up with her notes, but the lure of slumber was too great for her to ignore. She hardly slept nowadays. She would drop off into a light slumber, sometimes it was five minutes sometimes fifteen, but never more than twenty until an unnamed nightmare would wake her. She never remembered if the night terrors were the same. She only knew they left her edgy on top of her usual level of grim.

  "Where are we now?" Her voice was husky and raw, like she had just woken up after an eon of sleep.

  Courtney glanced at her with a small smile of satisfaction before switching her attention back to the road ahead. Harper wondered if Courtney ever allowed herself to feel exhausted.

  "DC. We'll stay here tonight. There's a Marriott just off the highway. The Company has a corporate account with them. We'll get a decent rate."

  "So, my Triple A membership won't be needed? Ah gee, and I was so looking forward to using it." Harper made a joke.

  "Oh, I bet you can purchase something lovely in the gift shop with that," Courtney said with a wink. "Like a souvenir towel or something."

  Harper let a small smile escape. "Very witty. Are you always like this?"

  “Like what?”

  “Perfect. You’re been driving the whole day, and you haven’t eaten and...”

  "Can I ask you a question?"

  "Sure," Harper replied. "I might not answer if it's too personal, okay?"

  Courtney took a deep breath, "Do you know you don't sleep well?"

  "It's just the car," Harper began to lie.

  "No, it's not. I watched you last night. You were tossing and turning constantly. There were times you started to moan and scream..."

  Harper cut her off, "That's none of your business!"

&nb
sp; Courtney kept her eyes on the road.

  "You're right," she began with obvious caution after a moment of silence. "None of this is my business. But, we are traveling together, and I have concerns about your wellbeing. I want to know what's happening with you."

  "Why would you even care?" Harper almost shouted, but managed to reign in her emotions long enough to finish her sentence. "Just because we both lost siblings? You think just because we have this death thing in common that we’re soulmates? Like we have some sort of deep, spiritual bond or something new agie like that? And what’s with you anyway? You don’t sleep, not in a bed anyway. What do you do all night? Hide yourself in the bathroom because you’re afraid of the bogeyman?"

  Courtney flipped the blinker and the mechanical click filled the dead air. Harper waited for a reply, but it was not forthcoming. The car changed lanes and glided down the exit ramp.

  "Well?" Harper blurted. “Answer me, what do you do all night?”

  Courtney kept her eyes on the road, her face a complete blank. "You're right it's none of my business. Just pretend I never opened my big mouth."

  ***

  "There are some definite benefits to the corporate lifestyle," Harper muttered as she entered the room.

  It wasn't that the room was exceptionally extravagant. It was average in size with the expected amenities for any four star business hotel. But, Harper knew to arrive without reservations in DC and expect accommodations for one night at an upstanding hotel was not reasonable. To believe you could register and not provide several forms of photo identification was beyond ballsy. To watch Courtney casually stroll into the lobby, ask for a room at the front desk, and, after providing her corporate credit card, collect the passkeys without a murmur of protest from the desk manager was surreal.

  "They even offered to make us last minute dinner reservations at the restaurant," Harper continued to mutter while Courtney put her suitcase on the stand inside the closet.

  "Huh? Are you talking to yourself again?"