I would allow her to scream and release her anger however she wanted. Her rage could never match the anger I felt at myself for being such a fool. As my vision cleared, I looked her over more carefully. My eyes stopped at her chest. Her gown was pulled loose, her breasts nearly exposed. I wanted to kill the man that had touched her.
She was screaming at me, and the moment I stood upright, she charged me again, her fists pounding against my chest as I moved to find support from the wall. She was sobbing, and her words came between gasping breaths.
“Ye were gone. How dare ye…how dare ye come back here? Everything ye said…the last words between us…ye made it clear I wouldna see ye again.”
I grabbed her wrists and pulled her arms against me, holding her close. She looked hard into my eyes, and all I wanted to do was kiss her. Even angry and sobbing, she was the most beautiful lass in this century or any other. I refrained from doing so. I worried that in her anger, she might bite my tongue off.
My words were foolish, but my own anger rose the more I looked at her exposed chest. It made me angry at myself for encouraging her to move on.
“Do ye wish me to leave again? Ye are nearly as undressed as I found ye in yer bedchamber so many nights ago. ’Tis clear ye dinna miss me at all.”
Magic slipped from her as my words filled her with more rage. Fire shot through my hands, scalding me as I released my grip on her. Astonished at how much her powers had grown in just a few weeks, I watched on with amazement as she screamed at me.
* * *
Morna
* * *
Only twice before had my emotions caused magic to leave me unbidden, but as Jerry accused me of callously moving on, I could no longer control the waves of power coursing through me. There was nothing conscious about the magic that left me. One moment he held me tight against him. The next moment heat soared through my hands, pushing him and pinning him away from me.
He didn’t seem frightened and didn’t try to move as I continued to release every feeling inside me.
“Doona ye pretend to know how I did or dinna miss ye. Ye’ve no idea the pain yer leaving caused me. And ye dare to chastise me for doing precisely what ye ordered me to. Eight weeks ye said…eight weeks and I should marry another.
“All I thought of for eight weeks was ye. And even then, I couldna bring myself to believe ye’d truly gone. Even if ye’d found the druid, I thought ye would return here and allow me to send ye back once I learned how.
“I held on to hope for far too long. I even found ye, Jerry. I cast a spell, and I saw ye there…at yer home…in yer own time. ’Twas only then that I truly said goodbye to ye, and it broke my heart to do so.”
He started to speak but I interrupted before he could finish.
“What did…”
“No, Jerry. I’m speaking. Ye dinna allow me a word when ye left so I will speak all that I wish to now. Everything is yer fault. I couldna even bring myself to practice magic after ye left. I thought ye were my friend. I thought ye cared. I would never treat someone I cared about as ye treated me.”
The more I spoke, the more my anger abated. When I was finally finished, all I felt was a deep empty ache inside.
He allowed the silence to hang between us until I released him from the spell that held him pinned. When he was free, he neared me slowly, hesitantly, as if he was afraid I would spook like an unbroken horse.
“Lass, I dinna return to my own time. I already told ye the druid was not in Allen territory. They’d not seen him in some time. What did ye see that made ye believe I was gone from here?”
The vision had been so clear that I’d never questioned it. But, of course, if Jerry was here now, it couldn’t possibly have been true. What then had I seen?
I allowed him to take my hands as I thought back on the vision. I took my time in relaying every detail of it to him. When I finished, Jerry kissed both of my palms as he spoke gently.
“I doona claim to know much of magic, but I know from my time with Grier just how fickle it can be. Ye said that ye placed me at the center of yer mind. I believe that ye did, but mayhap yer question was different than ye believed it to be. Mayhap what ye saw was not where I was at that time, but where I will one day be. Mayhap it was proof that ye will find a way to see me home.”
Jerry’s suggestion did little to mend the ache inside me. If he was correct, then it simply meant I would be forced to lose him all over again. That even after returning here, he still wished to return to his time and leave me. It angered me and tugged at my already shredded heart. The past few days had been disastrously difficult. I no longer wanted to be near him.
If he was here, I would help him, but getting close to him would only make it more difficult once I found a way to get him home.
“Let go of me, Jerry. ’Tis unkind of ye to mislead me as ye do.”
He didn’t release his grip, and I did little to try and move away.
“Mislead ye, lass? How do ye think I’ve done that?”
I was so tired of crying. I didn’t want him to see how much I cared, but my voice was choked as I answered him.
“Each time ye touch me, I feel as if ye want me. Ye are jealous of men who desire me, but ye doona want me for yerself. I am worth more than that, Jerry. Ye take advantage of my own feelings for ye, but ye still wish to return to yer own time. Ye still wish to leave me.”
“No.” He reached up to brush the tears from my cheeks. “Ye are wrong. For some time now, I’ve cared nothing about returning to my own time. I know what I said when I left. I was a damned fool for saying what I did, but I dinna go after the druid for me. I went after him because I believe just as strongly as yer brother does that ye need help growing yer powers. I went there for ye, lass, but I’ll not be going anywhere without ye again.”
I wanted so desperately to believe him, but his own words had already contradicted him.
“Jerry, ye just said that I must have seen yer future in the spell. Ye know then that ye still leave here. If ye truly care for me as much as ye say ye do, ’twould not be the future I would have seen.”
He smiled and moved one hand through my hair so that he held the back of my neck.
“Ye also said there was a woman. I’ve no wife, lass. Mayhap the shadow ye saw was ye.”
I would never leave my own time. I loved my brother and nephew and friends too much.
“No. I canna ever leave here, Jerry. I doona want to.”
He nodded and pulled my head closer to his own.
“In my experience, ’tis best to never swear off anything. But lass, if ye stay here, so shall I. I can promise ye that. I mean to kiss ye now. ’Tis all I’ve dreamt of since I left. Please doona deny me.”
Just as Jerry’s lips neared mine, my father’s voice bellowed from the end of the stables.
“Jerry, are ye in there, lad? Alasdair told me ye’d returned. We’ve all missed ye.”
I exhaled, realizing that the shadows had prevented him from seeing us. Stepping into the light, I called to him.
“Aye, Father, he’s here. I came to welcome him back myself.”
Nearing Jerry, my father met him with a hug.
“Did she tell ye all of the good news, lad? So much has happened while ye were away. Mary and Kip were married. Elspeth and Eoin are expecting another child, and Morna has found herself betrothed.”
Jerry looked as if he’d been stabbed as he stepped out of my father’s embrace. His eyes were cold as he looked at me.
“No, she told me nothing.”
Father didn’t pick up on the sudden tension between us. Slapping Jerry’s back, he took my arm and began to lead me from the stables.
“Ach, well we are all glad ye’ve returned. I need ye and Kip to ready my and Henry’s horses. We leave at sunset on a hunting trip to celebrate his betrothal to Morna.”
Chapter 26
Everyone gathered to see Father and Henry off on their hunting trip. They planned to be away three days, and I found myself eager to se
e them gone. I needed distance from Henry to decide the best way to end things. I couldn’t marry him. Even if Jerry hadn’t returned, the moment with him above my spell room had sealed it. I couldn’t marry someone who caused me to seize up so completely when trying to reveal one of the most important parts of myself.
Jerry cast angry glances in my direction when Henry neared me as we all joined near the stables to say our goodbyes. I ignored them each and every time. I wouldn’t allow myself to feel guilty for anything that had transpired between Henry and me, and I couldn’t very well behave as if we were anything other than betrothed in front of everyone.
“I’ll miss ye, lass. When I return, we shall make plans to ride to my territory and for the wedding.”
I wouldn’t show him false enthusiasm, but I wouldn’t be unkind to him. He’d done nothing to deserve it. “Doona let my father intimidate ye. He likes to behave as if he is a better hunter than he is.”
He moved in to kiss me. Although I stiffened, I allowed the brief touch of his lips.
As he went to mount his horse, Jerry stomped away. I suspected it was so he wouldn’t be tempted to shove Henry off the moment he got on.
Father came up to me next. The same dreadful feeling I’d had in front of him a few nights before came flooding back. I opened my arms to him and squeezed him as tightly as I could.
An urgency I couldn’t explain filled me, and I hurried to return the words he’d shared with me in my bedchamber.
“I love ye, Father. Be safe. Doona venture into parts of the woods ye doona know.”
He kissed the top of my head before pulling away.
“I love ye, too, lass. I’ll stay to the woods I know if ye agree to stay on castle grounds while I’m away. Doona go into the village.”
For the first time in my life, Father’s protectiveness felt more like a gift and less like a burden. I nodded in agreement as he walked away.
We all stood huddled in a group as we waved them off. When we could no longer see them, Jerry approached. I was in no mood to speak with him.
“Stay away from me. Do ye think I wished to agree to marry him? Ye’ve no one to blame but yerself. Now, I must spend the day pondering how to break the engagement without causing a clash between our two clans.”
“Do ye need some help, lass? I’m certain we can find a solution together. I canna bear for that man to put his lips on ye again.”
I wanted to be alone—entirely alone—for the next three days.
“No. If ye come near me, I’ll hit ye again.”
At least Jerry had the wits to withhold his laughter until he was too far away for me to strike him.
* * *
Time alone did little to encourage any plan that seemed worthy. I ended up spending most of my time lounging in bed, reading, and calling servants to have warm bath water brought to my chambers. If I couldn’t think of a good solution, I could at least allow myself to be a little indulgent while Father was away.
On the second night of their trip, I lay soaking in a quickly-cooling tub of water when the handle to my bedchamber door turned.
“Eoin, if ’tis ye lad, I need ye to stay outside. Go and demand that yer da play with ye. I’ll find ye in a while.”
The door to my bedchamber opened despite my protest, and Jerry stepped casually inside.
I sloshed more than a little water out onto the floor in an effort to cover myself.
“Get out of here this instant or I’ll scream. Ye canna just enter a lassie’s bedchamber any time ye wish it.”
He leaned against the door, crossed his arms, and stared back at me as if he were bored.
“Ye willna scream, for ye know I willna glance in the water nor touch ye unless ye wish it. Ye’ve avoided me for well over a day now. I decided ’twas worth risking another beating to see ye.”
A beating was a rather dramatic way to describe it—his face showed no signs of my palm.
“I told ye I wished to be alone.”
“Aye, I know, and why is that precisely? I have my suspicions.”
Sometimes Jerry was infuriatingly sure of his ability to read me.
“Ye have suspicions?”
“Aye, I do. I think ye want me so badly that ye are frightened to be near me. I think ye know that if we were to spend time together while yer father and Henry are away, I would end up in yer bed, and ye doona wish to carry a guilty conscience for bedding one man whilst engaged to another.”
I was suddenly far too aware of the nakedness of my body and Jerry’s close proximity to it. While he may not have been able to see down into the water now, only a few steps prevented him being able to see every inch of me.
“I can assure ye that no such thought has entered my mind. Please leave me so that I might dress.”
“I’ll leave ye, but the moment ye are dressed, I intend to step back inside this room.”
Relief washed over me, and I loosened the grip on my breasts just a bit.
“Whatever for?”
“To kiss ye, lass. To kiss ye until every memory of Henry’s lips on ye are washed clean from yer mind. Ye doona mind his touch. I could see it in the way ye leaned into his kiss yesterday. ’Twas not like Seumas’ kiss where ye tolerated it simply to torture me. Part of ye enjoys Henry’s touch. I canna sleep until I know I’ve changed that.”
I couldn’t tell if I began to tremble in anticipation or from the cooling water, but when Jerry stepped out into the hallway, I was trembling all over.
I dried myself quickly and glanced around the room with terror over what I should dress in. A full gown was foolish this late in the evening—to place on my nightgown was inviting trouble.
With Henry, I wouldn’t have dreamed of it. With Jerry, it was all I wanted.
For with him, even trouble seemed relatively safe. He would protect and cherish me, and it was all I’d wanted for months.
Taking a breath for courage, I slipped on my sleeping gown and opened the door to let him inside.
Chapter 27
“Do ye wish me to leave, lass? I doona…” Jerry reluctantly pulled his hand away from my leg, allowing my nightgown to fall back toward the ground. He lay his forehead gently against my own, his breathing ragged, his voice pained. “If ye doona want this, send me away from here. I want too much from ye—things ye may not be ready to give.”
He was perilously close to doing so much more than just kissing any memory of Henry from my mind. In truth, he’d already succeeded. I would never be able to kiss or look at Henry the same way again, but Jerry was holding on to his resolve to be respectful of me with so much fervor it was physically painful for him.
My mind had been made up the moment I opened the door. There was no turning back—not this night—quite possibly, not ever.
I reached up and placed my palms on his face, lifting his head up so I could look at him. Leaning forward, I whispered in his ear.
“What is it ye want, Jerry? Tell me. I want to know.”
He pulled back, his face suddenly serious.
“Did ye sleep with him, lass? Ye doona seem…” He faltered, searching for the right words. “Well, ye doona seem like a nervous virgin.”
I smiled and kissed him gently on the cheek before stepping away to stand across from him.
“Jerry, ye have met Mary, havena ye? I learned much about what happens in the beds of lovers at a far younger age than was proper. I know what this night can be between us. I wouldna have let ye inside this room if I dinna want it. Ye were right that night ye came into my bedchamber after I kissed Seumas. I wasted my first kiss. I doona wish to waste this.”
His expression softened as he exhaled a deep, shaky breath.
“Ach, thank God, lass. I dinna know for certain. I hoped,” he paused and raked his hand through his hair. “God, I hoped, but with the way the lad looks at ye, I worried ye’d bedded him.”
He stepped toward me, reached for my hands, and pulled me hard against him, whispering into my ear as I allowed my front to press against
his chest.
“Ye do know I love ye, doona ye, lass?”
I trembled as his lips touched my neck. When his hand cupped my breast, I moaned.
“I hoped. I dinna know.”
His hand slid from my chest, up my neck, and to my face where he held me gently, his thumb sweeping soft strokes over my cheek.
“I have loved ye since I opened my eyes in that riverbed to see ye staring at me with those wide, green eyes. For so long, I wondered why this happened to me—why I was chosen to fall through time and leave everything in my old life. The moment I saw ye, I knew. We were meant for one another.”
Why had I kept the truth from him? His absence was no excuse. I’d known long before that, but for so long I tried to deny it myself. Did the spell Grier and I cast so many years ago make our love for one another any less real? I worried that maybe it did. Or at the very least, that Jerry would believe it did.
Could I confess my love for him while holding this secret? Not if I wanted to sleep easily at night.
The feel of his lips across my collarbone begged me to surrender to the sensation, to relinquish my need to tell him what I knew.
“Jerry, there is something I must tell ye.”
He continued to caress and kiss and hold me tight against him. His words dragged across my skin as he spoke between kisses.
“Tell me later, lass. I canna promise I will remember a word ye say to me now. I canna think with ye in my arms.”
I pulled away to put some distance between us. He needed to hear me. Once he knew, it might change his feelings.
“If I doona tell ye now, I doona trust myself to ever tell ye.”
“What is it, lass? Nothing can be as bad as ye are making it seem.”
Love Beyond Reach: Book 8 of Morna’s Legacy Series Page 13