“Aye, ’tis.” I was so much more nervous to tell him this than I was at the thought of sleeping with him. “I believe it might be my fault, Jerry. I may have spelled ye here. It might have been me that pulled ye from yer home.” I couldn’t keep my voice from breaking.
“Morna.” Jerry moved to stand in front of me, gathered my hands in his own, and ushered me over to the bed where we sat at its edge. His eyes were kind and calm. “I doona mean to offend ye, lass, but seeing as ye havena been able to find a way to see me home yet, I doona believe ye were the one who pulled me from it.”
Looking down to avoid his eyes, I spoke.
“’Twasn’t my spell, though I was a willing participant. ’Twas Grier’s.”
I heard his breath catch and didn’t dare look up to see his face.
“’Tis not possible. Grier dinna possess such knowledge. I spent a year with her while she tried to find a way to send me home. She wouldna have done that if she’d known how.”
Still gazing downward, I shook my head. “I’m not so certain, Jerry. I know that ’twas she who sent ye back in time.”
“How do ye know that, lass?”
I told him everything about my last day with Grier, taking care to describe the man I saw in the mirror so he would know it was him. When I finished, his hand cupped my chin and gently lifted my head so I would look at him.
“Why did ye tell me this?”
Of course I felt responsible. If only I had told Grier no that day, Jerry wouldn’t have been pulled so suddenly from his home. His entire life wouldn’t have been upended without his consent.
“How could I not tell ye? Jerry, I love ye. I’ve loved ye for some time now, but what if the only reason we care for one another is Grier’s spell? What if ’tis magic and not truth that binds us together?”
“Magic done through love is truth, lass. I canna begin to understand why Grier lied to me for so long—why she dinna bring me straight here if she knew this was where I was meant to be. But I do know this: Grier cast that spell on the day she left because she loved ye and she wanted ye to be loved. I doona believe she found me and spelled me to love ye. I believe she looked into yer heart and saw what was destined to be.”
He paused and moved in to kiss me. His lips were soft, slow, and gentle. Each moment with him holding me allowed one more ounce of anxiety to melt away. Trailing his lips toward my ear, he whispered, “I doona care how I got here, lass. I love ye. ’Tis all that truly matters. Allow me to show ye what ’tis to be bedded by a man who loves ye. Close yer eyes.”
His lips touched my lids as I closed them. Slowly his hands grazed the sides of my neck, his mouth trailing quickly behind them as he continued to drag his hands down my body. The fabric of my gown was thin. As he cupped my breast, his thumb flicking the rounded tip of my nipple, I gasped and arched backward.
Eyes flickering open, I reached for his head to try and pull his mouth to mine.
He pulled away.
“I doona even have my hands on yer bare skin yet, lass. I mean to take my time with ye. If ye continue to breathe like that, I willna be able to. Close yer eyes and let all thought leave ye. Just feel my touch. Respond to it in kind.”
Smiling, I closed my eyes again and lay back on the bed, my knees and feet dangling off its side. I gasped once more as his fingers brushed the uncovered skin of my leg. He swept his hand up my leg with one quick touch, and my thighs opened instinctively, welcoming the sudden sensation of his fingers trailing across my center.
“I need to see ye.”
Lifting my hips, he scooted the bottom of my gown up until he could drag it underneath me. I should’ve felt exposed knowing he was about to see me naked. All I felt was anticipation.
“Look at me, lass.”
I felt his weight on top of me, and I opened my eyes to see him straddled over me, the bottom of my gown in both hands as he worked it up and behind my back. I lifted my head to allow him to pull it off me completely.
I smiled as I followed his gaze to my breasts. I’d never seen such blatant admiration on someone’s face before. It sent a flash of heat rushing through my body. Even without past experience to guide me, I felt empty without him. I wanted him inside me, claiming me. I wanted to be responsible for his pleasure.
He looked down at my breasts for a long moment. Before I could say anything, he lifted himself and went to stand at the edge of the bed.
“Sorry lass, I canna bear to have clothes on a moment more. I need to feel my skin against yer own.”
Lifting myself up to my elbows, I watched him undress. He removed his kilt with little effort. As the thick fabric fell to the floor, he removed his linen shirt. I felt my cheeks warm. It was the first time in my life I’d seen a naked man.
The definition in his muscular body surprised me. I’d always known he was strong, but feeling his strength and seeing it were two very different things.
“Ye are the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.”
His nose scrunched up as he laughed.
“Doona call me beautiful, lass.”
I smiled and motioned for him to join me on the bed. The space between us felt too vast.
“But ye are. ’Tis the only word that comes to mind. I am in awe of ye. I want ye inside me.”
The noise that escaped his throat was one of pure guttural need. His eyes darkened, and he swallowed as he approached the bed.
“Lass, I already told ye, I mean to take my time with ye. When ye say things like that, ye make it verra difficult for me to hold on to my determination.”
I didn’t want to be bedded by someone restraining his every thought and movement. I wanted our lovemaking to be a mutually-shared moment where each of us could release everything and simply be with the other.
As he neared the bed, I sat up so I could wrap my arms around his neck. Before he could protest or push me away, I pressed my breasts against his chest and slowly kissed his neck. Feeling him melt against me, I unwound one hand and dragged it down the front of his body to touch his hardened manhood.
He gasped and went rigid.
“Morna, lass, please. I beg ye, remove yer hand. Lie back and let me take my time with ye.”
I continued to hold on and gently ran my hand up and down him as he buckled slightly in front of me.
“No, Jerry. I know ye mean to be kind to me, to be gentle, but ’tis not what I want. I doona wish for ye to think about how ye must be or what ye should do. I just want ye to be here with me. Do what ye will. I’ll do the same. Let us freely enjoy one another.”
My words freed him, and I happily opened myself up to him as he crushed himself against me.
Every sensation was new, every touch a discovery. The pain I felt at his entry was nothing compared to the wave of pleasure that washed over me shortly after.
Our first time was rough, fast, and clumsy.
Our second time was slow and sweet.
By the early hours of the morning, I’d lost count of the number of times we sought to discover joys in the other. Each one was perfect in its uniqueness.
My world was now so very different.
I was a woman entirely in love.
Chapter 28
We slept on and off through the night, waking every few hours. We would then visit before making love again. As the sun began to peek through the night sky, we both knew it was time to decide what we must do next. Our night of pretending as if we were the only two people in the world was ending.
“I wish to marry ye, lass. As soon as we can see to it, if ye’ll have me. I want ye as my wife.”
Laying with my head on his chest, I looked up and smiled at him.
“O’course I’ll have ye. Do ye think I would have done everything we just did, if I dinna plan to marry ye?”
He laughed against my hair.
“Aye, I do. Ye wanted me that badly. What should we do? I fear when ye tell Henry he willna handle it well.”
“He willna be pleased, but I’ve no reason to believe t
hat he willna be gracious.”
Shifting me off him, Jerry sat up in the bed.
“Ye still canna see it, can ye? I doona believe Henry is a good man. I doona say that because the thought of his hands on ye causes my blood to boil. I know ye say he’s been good to ye, but all men can be good for a time if it gets them what they want. What he wants is ye, lass. Now that ye’ve agreed to marry him, he believes ye are his.”
“Ye believe his behavior will change now that we are betrothed?”
Jerry nodded, his fingers tracing lazy circles down my arm.
“Once he has ye away from yer brother and father, once ye are at his home around his servants, aye. He yelled at Kip yesterday as we readied their horses. ’Twas the temper of a man well-practiced in cruelty.”
I thought of Elspeth and the scene we’d witnessed from her bedchamber window.
“Henry can do nothing to me as long as I’m here. ’Tis Father who concerns me. He willna care for me breaking my word.”
“Would he…” Jerry’s voice lowered as he asked, “Would he ever permit ye to marry me?”
“No.”
I hated my answer, but I knew it was true. Father saw it as his duty to see me cared for in a manner he felt acceptable. Jerry had no rank in class and no home of his own.
“Then what are we to do? I know ye willna leave here. I would never ask ye to run away with me.”
He was right. I would never leave my home forever, but for a time, perhaps it would be bearable. I could think of no other way we could be together.
“We could enlist Alasdair’s help. ’Twill place him in a terrible position, but I know he will help us. He cares for ye. As long as I am happy and loved, he doesna care who I marry.”
I pushed myself up and twisted to face Jerry. Every inch of my body ached deliciously.
“What assistance can he provide?”
I thought for a moment, trying to work through every possible outcome in my mind. No solution was ideal, but unless I wished to leave for McCabe Castle in a matter of days, we would have to do something.
“He can help us marry in secret and see that Henry returns to his home without a dispute breaking out between our two clans. Henry is his friend. I know he can talk to him. With time, Father will have to accept what we’ve done. If we are married, he willna have a choice.”
He did have a choice. He could always disown me and order me to never return home. But as long as Alasdair lived, I knew my brother would never allow it.
Jerry didn’t seem pleased with the suggestion. His face was solemn—his eyes sad.
“I doona wish to take ye from yer family, lass. Perhaps, we shouldna marry. Perhaps, ye should send Henry away and every suitor after. ’Twill pain me to see ye in the presence of any other man, but I’d rather have ye in secret than tear apart yer family.”
It was an outrageous suggestion.
“I canna bear to have suitor after suitor welcomed into this castle when I know my heart belongs to ye. We must think of another way.”
We discussed various possibilities until the night was long gone and sunlight filled the room. Eventually though, with the appearance of no plausible solution, we fell asleep wrapped in each other’s arms.
* * *
“Morna, wake up. Ye must wake up. ’Tis urgent.”
I stirred to the touch of someone’s hands on my shoulders and opened my eyes to find Elspeth standing next to my bed. I scrambled to cover myself and immediately flew into an attempt to explain Jerry’s presence in my bed. She interrupted me before I could even start.
“It doesna matter, lass. Not now. It doesna matter. Something terrible has happened.”
Jerry stirred beside me, his face turning oddly white as he looked at Elspeth.
It was only then that I could see the concern on her face.
“What is it? What’s happened?”
“’Tis yer father, Morna. He’s dead.”
Chapter 29
Jerry couldn’t believe it. His reaction, once Elspeth left us, was to deny its truth. He dressed and paced around the room murmuring words meant to comfort me.
“They are not back yet. She heard this through the word of others. Perhaps he is merely injured. He’ll be fine once he is home.”
I knew Father was gone. I could feel it—the lack of his energy in the world. While I’d tried to deny and ignore the feeling, I knew this was coming.
I felt nothing, only a cool numbness that slowed the movement in my mind. I needed to see Alasdair. I needed to speak to him, to see if he was okay, to see what we would do now. Both our lives had always revolved around our father. What would our lives look like now? There would be much to take care of.
It surprised me how methodically my thinking became—so detached, so distant, as if I were an outsider sent here to help my family through this. I dressed slowly. I took my time pinning my hair and rinsing my face. When I was ready, I turned to Jerry and asked him to leave.
“I must find Alasdair. Go see to Mary and Kip. She will be devastated, and she will need extra help in whatever preparations must be made.”
He stared at me a long moment. I knew he was trying to gauge whether he should gather me in his arms to comfort me or do as I asked.
Crossing the room to him, I squeezed his hand like I would that of a child.
“I’m fine. We will speak of all of this later.”
I went in search of my brother.
* * *
My cold feeling of detachment vanished the moment I found Alasdair sitting by the fire in the sitting room. It was as if I simply couldn’t allow the reality to set in until I was with him. It was a grief we were meant to share together.
As he stood, I ran to him, allowing him to gather me in his arms as we wept together.
I knew both of us had such complicated emotions regarding our father. But in the end, every negative thing I ever felt about him didn’t seem to matter. All I felt was love for him and a deep sense of loss that seemed as if it would never end.
“He died in his sleep, just like Grandmother.”
“He dinna seem ill. Though, I think mayhap he knew his death was near.”
His arms still wrapped protectively around me, Alasdair rubbed my back gently. “How do ye mean, lass?”
I told him of my last conversations with Father, of the tenderness he’d shown me, of the dread I felt when he left. When Alasdair spoke, his voice was filled with emotion.
“I canna tell ye how much peace it brings me to know that. I’ve always worried he would leave this earth filled with regret for how he treated ye. ’Tis a blessing that in the end he shared with ye how he really felt.”
I cried into my brother’s chest as we clung to each other. “If it would’ve been less painful, I think mayhap I would’ve preferred for him to stay unkind. Losing him feels as if it may rip me apart.”
“We shall both heal from this, lass. I will hold ye together, and yer faith in me will keep me strong, just as we have always done for one another.”
“How is Eoin?”
Alasdair sighed. I could feel the burden he was already beginning to bear. He would see everyone through this, be the pillar of strength for everyone in and around the castle. He would be the best laird Conall territory had ever seen.
“I doona know how much the wee lad understands. He will miss him dearly. He was the only person whom Father softened around. He spoiled Eoin immensely.”
Grief is so much more than the unbearable sense of loss. It throws you off course, makes everything seem so unsure.
“What do we do now, Alasdair?”
“First,” he paused and pulled away to look down at me, “we must discuss Henry.”
I felt guilty that he’d not crossed my mind before now.
“O’course. He must be dreadfully upset to have found him.”
“’Twas a terrible shock for him, though ’tis not what I meant.”
By the way Alasdair stared at me, I could see that he knew.
; “I canna marry him.”
With understanding in his gaze, he nodded. “I know, lass. Elspeth told me how she found ye this morning. Ye love him, aye? I could see it in yer eyes when ye learned he’d returned.”
“Are ye angry?”
He looked confused. “Why would I be angry with ye? Jerry is a good man. If ye love him, ’tis all that matters to me.”
I couldn’t deny the relief I felt. Every problem Jerry and I struggled with last night was now gone. All we needed to worry about was finding a way to break my engagement to Henry. Would I take every problem back to have Father alive and well again? Of course, but that could never be.
“I do love him. Might we stay here at the castle once we are wed?”
“’Twould break my heart if ye left. Though I think it best if ye keep yer distance from Jerry until after Father’s burial. Henry will insist on remaining here until then. We will speak to Henry together after that.”
It wasn’t Alasdair’s duty to end things between Henry and me.
“I shall speak to him alone, but I will wait until afterwards.” I couldn’t bring myself to say burial.
Alasdair smiled in spite of his tears. “Morna, I have only one request if ye intend to live here.”
There was nothing I wouldn’t do for him. “Anything.”
“In time, ye must return to yer magic. I shall make Conall territory a place that is safe for ye to practice openly. Ye canna continue to deny who ye are.”
It seemed improper to feel such relief. I was free to marry Jerry, free to live in the home I knew and loved, free to learn and practice magic without fear of punishment. Why did the moment everything seemed to be falling into place have to be shared with such deep grief?
Chapter 30
We waited three days to bury Father. I spent most of that time alone, crying and working through feelings I didn’t know I had for him. By the time it came for everyone to gather, I no longer had tears to shed.
Henry checked on me every day, but the state of my grief made him so uncomfortable that it never took much for me to get him to leave. Jerry kept his distance entirely, but I knew it wasn’t his choice to do so. Alasdair had spoken to him and asked him to stay away until everything was settled with Henry.
Love Beyond Reach: Book 8 of Morna’s Legacy Series Page 14