by Reese Ryan
Jamie quietly closed the door to Jo’s room and headed down the hall to the lounge, where Ex waited for her. She found him around the corner, his hands shoved in his pockets, staring at the vending machine, like he expected it to offer something new. The corner of her mouth lifted in a subdued grin. That was Ex. He tried to play the hardened thug, but at his core he was like a puppy—sweet, reliable and always hopeful. Sometimes she’d found it annoying, but over the past week she’d come to realize how endearing those qualities were.
She shoved some change into the coffee machine next to him and selected espresso. Cuyahoga General’s version of it, at least. “Looking for the catch of the day? Hate to burst your bubble, but there isn’t one.” She bumped him with her shoulder and smiled.
Startled from his daze, his eyes quickly met hers. He grimaced, his eyebrows gathered above darkened eyes as his hands fell to his sides. “How’s your mom today?”
She turned to watch the last of the espresso drip into her cup. Then she wrapped her fingers around the cup, which felt like molten lava against her skin. “The same. She could wake up tomorrow and be fine, or she might never wake up. To tell you the truth, I’m not sure which I’d prefer.”
“You don’t mean that,” he said, his voice not unkind.
Jamie didn’t respond. Instead she brought the steaming hot cup to her lips and blew over it before taking a sip. “Let’s get out of here. Forget about the vending machine, I’ll get you some real food.”
“Jamie...” Ex sputtered her name as if it had been shot from a cannon. He took a deep breath. “We need to talk.”
Alarmed by the tone of his voice, she froze instantly. Her eyes focused on the pain etched around his eyes. “What is it?”
He sighed heavily, running his hands over the back of his head. “Miles...he’s on his way here.”
She nearly dropped the scalding hot cup of coffee. Instead, she set it roughly on the closest table. The hot liquid sloshed on a glossy copy of a health magazine. She sucked in a deep breath, her body trembling, and tried not to scream. “You told him? When? Why?”
Ex pulled her into the hall, beyond the prying eyes of the nurses sitting at a corner table who watched them like they were in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. He reached in his pocket and retrieved her phone, handing it to her. “You left this. He called three times, so I answered it.”
“What the fuck right did you have to answer my phone, to tell Miles my business?” She jabbed her finger into his chest so hard, her knuckle felt jammed. She winced. “You knew I didn’t tell him because—”
He grabbed her arms, roughly, shaking her. “Stop it! You’re being ridiculous. Can’t you see the guy loves you? That you love him?”
She raised her eyes to his, stunned to hear him say those words. “This is my life,” she said finally. “I get to decide who I tell what.”
“And how’s that been working out for you, James?” He raised his eyebrows, derisively.
She lowered her gaze to the floor and folded her arms over her chest.
He continued, “You’re fractured into all these tiny pieces and you’ll only give certain parts to any one person. But you don’t trust any of us enough to let us see the whole picture, to love you as you are. Stop being so damn afraid to let the people who love you be there for you.”
Jamie yanked herself free of his grip, her skin stinging where his fingers had squeezed her flesh. She couldn’t respond or even begin processing his words. The slow thud of her heartbeat filled her ears. The tightness in her chest made it difficult to breathe. Her muscles quivered and her legs were giving way beneath her. Back pressed into the wall, she focused on the black scuffs on the linoleum floor and tried to catch her breath.
Ex’s tone softened. “I told him because you need him right now.”
“That wasn’t your choice to make.”
“Somebody had to be the grown-up.” He pulled her into his arms, resting his chin on her head. “Besides, you can’t do this alone. You need someone to be here for you, someone who cares about you as much as I do. But right now, I can’t be that person.”
Her heart raced as she struggled with his words. She stepped back, just enough to study his face. “Why?”
He swallowed hard then lowered his head, breaking eye contact with her. “You know why.”
She bit her lip, her fingertips resting lightly on his rib cage. Her heart thumped. She’d been selfish; some part of her recognized that. Ex was right. She’d compartmentalized her relationships, and feelings, for as long as she could remember. He held a distinct place in her life that no one else could fill, just as Ellie, Mel, Mimi, Lisa and Miles did. She’d kept them all separate. She wasn’t a different person around each of them, but she did allow each of them to see a different side of her. Mixing up those relationships felt as dangerous as planets colliding. Besides, she and Ex were friends. Didn’t he see that holding on to that was more important than being eternal fuck buddies?
“You’re one of my best friends, my oldest friend,” she pleaded. “Why can’t we just—”
“I’d do anything for you. Anything. Because you’re my friend, and because...I love you. So if you tell me you can’t do this without me, you know I’ll stay.”
She leaned into him, holding her breath, her eyes raised to his.
“But I need to tell you something first...you mean everything to me. Being friends isn’t enough for me anymore.”
Jamie looked away, the corners of her mouth tugged down, brows furrowed. Her belly twisted in a knot. She had so many regrets about the way she’d treated Ex, stringing him along over the years. Even if she hadn’t done it consciously. “I’m sorry.”
His eyes shut tightly as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Pain creased the edges of his eyes and mouth as he heaved a deep sigh. They stood there for a moment, both their hearts breaking. But it wouldn’t change the way either of them felt. He pulled her into an embrace that felt as final as the lid closing on a casket. That moment when you knew you’d never see the person you loved again. “It’s okay. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I let myself believe you could feel that way about me because I wanted it so badly. But I can’t do this anymore. It’s not healthy for either of us, and it’s not fair to me.” He lifted her chin so their eyes met. Eyes glassy, his voice trembled, catching in the back of his throat. “If you care about me, let me go. Not forever, just for now. Let me get my head together and get on with my life. I deserve to find someone who will love me as much as I love her.”
It was hard to breathe, like the walls had collapsed and she was suddenly lying underneath a pile of bricks that were crushing her chest. She nodded and bit back tears, unable to speak. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she buried her head in his chest. She held him until the words she needed to say finally snaked their way up. Nose pressed against his chest, she breathed him in. She needed to remember everything about this moment, when she’d finally been unselfish enough to let him go. “I do love you, and I want you to be happy. So it’s okay. Go. I’ll be fine. I promise.”
“Jamie.”
They both turned to the source of the voice. She inhaled deeply, overwhelmed with both relief and apprehension. Her heart danced, yet her stomach churned. Ex let out a small sigh and kissed her forehead. He tipped his head toward Miles. “Go.”
She forced a smile that barely stirred the corners of her mouth and nodded. Then she turned and quickly closed the space between her and Miles. Heart racing and hands trembling, her voice broke, tears streaming down her face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shut you out. I was just so scared to let you in.”
The hurt and disappointment that had creased the lines of his forehead, furrowing his brows and tightening his jaw, seemed to dissipate. He took her in his arms and kissed the side of her face. “Shh...I’m here now. We’ll work through this together. Everything will be okay.”
She tightened her grip around his waist and sank deeper into the comfort of his embrace. She’d been ashamed
to let him see this part of her—the trailer trash kid with the junkie mother. But it wasn’t embarrassment that tinged her cheeks and stabbed her gut, it was guilt.
Miles loved her.
Yet she hadn’t trusted him enough to let him into her heart. He deserved so much more than that after everything he’d given her.
“Thanks, man.” Miles reached his hand out to Ex as he passed them in the corridor.
Ex shook his hand. “Just take care of my girl, because I meant what I said.”
“I know. So did I.”
Jamie held on to Miles as Xavier Hunt walked out of her life. Maybe not forever, but at least for now.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Miles and Jamie rode most of the way back to his place in silence. Her body faced the window as she glanced out. Soft rock and the meaningless chatter of local radio station hosts filled the air between them. He’d cleared his schedule for the remainder of the day and had convinced her to trade her shift that night with someone else. They needed to talk.
After eating Chinese takeout in his kitchen with minimal conversation, finally she pushed her plate away and turned to him. “Thank you for coming to the hospital today. I’m sorry you had to leave work. That’s why I didn’t want to bother you with this.”
“Jamie...” Miles sucked in a deep breath, trying to strangle the frustration rising in his voice. “You still don’t get it. You’re my girlfriend. I want to be there for you, because that’s what we do for the people we love. If you’d given Ellie or Mimi or Lisa a chance, they would’ve done the same.”
She bit her bottom lip and tugged her loose braid off her shoulder and down her back. “I was afraid to tell you.”
He had just one question. “Why?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do.” Miles pushed a stream of hot air through his pursed lips and locked eyes with her. Getting Jamie to open up was like trying to pull a grizzly bear’s teeth. Someone was bound to get bloody, but it had to be done.
She hopped off the stool, arms folded low against her belly as she stalked toward the other side of the room and forced her back against the wall. When she finally looked at him again, he hadn’t moved an inch. He was still sitting there, waiting for a response.
“You wanna hear me say it? Fine. I didn’t want to tell anyone my fucking junkie mother OD’d because it makes me feel like a loser all over again. Just like when I was a kid and everyone else’s mother was at the school play, but mine was too drunk to even wake up and fix me breakfast that morning. I’ve worked so hard to distance myself from the little girl whose self-worth was tied to what Josephine Charles did or didn’t do. I won’t go back there. So I didn’t tell you, or anyone—”
“Not true,” Miles interjected. “You told your buddy Ex but you couldn’t tell me, the guy who’s sleeping with you, who’d do anything for you. Why? What else do I have to do to prove that I love you, Jamie? That’d I’d do anything for you. Me.” He jabbed a finger in his chest so hard it stung.
She didn’t answer, just stood there wide-eyed, staring at him. The hand pressed to her lips trembled. He raked his fingers through his hair, took a deep breath and released it, trying to calm himself. When Ex had answered Jamie’s phone and told him about her mother being hospitalized he felt like she’d driven a stake right through his heart. How could she not have told him? He needed to know that what she felt for him was real. That he wasn’t searching for a pot of gold at the end of an infinite rainbow. Wishing for the impossible.
“Don’t shut me out, babe,” he said, his tone softening. “Talk to me. Please.”
She lowered her eyes, turning her body away from him. “Ex grew up in the Edge, too. He comes from the same kind of family. He’s the only person I knew would understand how this feels. I know how much you care for me, but you could never understand what I’m feeling right now.”
“I would if you’d talk to me. You have things in your past you aren’t proud of. Who doesn’t? If it isn’t our families or the way we grew up, it’s something we’ve done. So don’t act like you’ve got the market cornered on regret.”
“Like you have anything in your past that even begins to compare to mine.” She seemed insulted. “Don’t patronize me, and don’t pretend to know what I’m feeling.”
“Look, I’m trying really hard here, babe. I am. But no matter what I do, no matter what I say...you just won’t let me in.” He scraped his fingers through his hair and took a deep breath. “What do I have to do to prove that I’m here for you, that you can tell me anything?”
She walked toward him, her arms still crossed, her eyes searching his. “Tell me something you’re ashamed of.”
He scrubbed his hand down his face as he stared into those intense green eyes, challenging him to be as open as he was asking her to be. Knowing Jamie, she didn’t actually expect a response. It was just another way of drawing a line in the sand between them and filling it with skin-dissolving acid. A strangled breath escaped his lips, his heart threatening to beat out of his chest. He could barely get the words out of his mouth. “I didn’t tell you the whole story about Evie...about me and Evie.”
Jamie raised an eyebrow and edged a few steps closer, her gaze softening. She sat on the stool next to him again. She reached toward him but then drew her hand back, resting it on her knee. “What about you and Evie?”
He swallowed hard and bit his lip, blinking back the warm tears simmering behind his lids. “A fellow model did suggest that she start using as a quick way to lose weight, but the truth is...I already was—not hardcore or anything, but I was using. She’d never liked the habit. She loved me in spite of it.” He felt a sudden pang in his chest, an ache so deep it took his breath away. He ran his fingers over his forehead, his eyes averted from hers. “I was the slacker who didn’t take life seriously. She was focused. She knew what she wanted and she was willing to do whatever it took to get there. So when she wanted...when she was finally willing to cut loose a little, I didn’t discourage it.” He inhaled, forcing himself to meet her gaze and the disappointment he expected to see behind her widened eyes. “That’s why I can’t let it go, can’t stop blaming myself for what happened to her. By the time I recognized how serious her problem was, it was too late. She was already too far gone for me—or for anyone—to reach her.”
Jamie exhaled slowly. She reached out and placed her hand on his arm. “Do Lucinda or Kari know about this?”
“No. In fact, I only found out my mother knew about my habit at all when she was here a few weeks ago. Like you said, I was ashamed of what I’d done, of how my actions contributed to her death.”
“So we both have scars we don’t want other people to see. But why is that a bad thing? Letting people see inside you, it’s like standing naked in front of strangers. And even an advocate of being naked—like me—doesn’t enjoy that very much.”
Miles chuckled, tension slowly draining from his body. He raised his eyes to hers and pressed his palm against her check, as he leaned in closer. “Being in a relationship, letting someone in so close they can see all your flaws, it is scary. You’re not the only person who feels that way, babe. It’s scary for me, too.”
“So then why take the risk of being hurt? Of hurting someone else?”
Miles drew in a deep breath, her question making his heart ache. “Because to me you’re worth it. The intimacy and comfort that comes from being loved so deeply...it makes up for all the difficult times. The disagreements. The hurt feelings. Because there is no one in the world you’d rather be with.” He searched her face. “Because there is no one I’d rather be with than you.”
“For so long, I told myself I never wanted to feel that way, but I was just scared. I realize now that I do want something deeper, and I want it with you,” she whispered, the corners of her eyes damp. “But I’ve been this way for so long. I know you think I’m not trying, but I am. Being with you...it’s changed me. And every step of the way I’ve been giving in a little
more, opening up to you in ways I didn’t think I could. But this is really hard for me. Please try to understand.”
“I’m trying to understand. But what happened today, it made me wonder if...” His voice trailed and he averted his eyes from hers. “It made me wonder if you’ll ever be able to trust me. Or love me the way I love you. I can’t be your next Ex, waiting like a heartbroken puppy for you to love me one day. I need to know that—”
Jamie pressed her lips against his, her hands sliding underneath his shirt. “Please, don’t give up on me. Not yet,” she implored. “Please.”
He’d taken one look into those green eyes and he couldn’t say no. Because at least now she knew she wanted this. Words he’d been afraid he might never hear her say. So he kissed her, made love to her. He ignored the fear buried deep in his chest, that she’d never truly be able to give herself to him.
* * *
They’d already made love twice, and she was on an intense high. One nearly as powerful and addictive as any drug she’d ever taken. The delicious feeling of him filling her, of his hands against her skin, his mouth taking hers. She was floating, dizzy, barely able to speak.
Miles pulled her into him. He held her as she shivered, breath ragged. Raking his fingers through her hair, he kissed the top of her head. “I love you, Jamie. I want to be here for you. But I need to know you feel the same. Understand?”
She nodded as she pressed her face into his neck, still barely lucid from her fuck-induced haze. She draped her arm over his chest.
She did understand. Miles wouldn’t wait forever, and she couldn’t expect him to. He’d been so generous, so giving. He deserved to be in a relationship with someone who was the same. “What if I can’t ever be that kind of person?” She pressed her hand against his chest, studying his face.