by Reese Ryan
“But I thought you said you were her daughter,” Nurse Nelson said calmly.
“I am. But she isn’t my mother,” Jamie replied. “Thank you for calling. Have a good night.”
Jamie powered her phone off, tossed it on the nightstand and retreated under the cover into a fetal position.
* * *
Jamie had been short-tempered and irritable all week. Miles, Ellie, Lisa and Mel had all commented on it. She barked at them about PMSing and the pressure to come up with a piece for another art competition. Neither was true. Her resentment of Jo was now an open, festering wound waging constant battle with the crushing guilt caused by her refusal to visit her in the hospital. Her friends and family had become collateral damage.
Though she hadn’t visited Jo, she’d called the hospital for a daily update on her condition. The woman had slipped into a coma. They were unsure whether she’d ever gain consciousness.
Jamie hadn’t told anyone. Worse, she’d lied when Ellie asked if her sour mood had anything to do with her mother. She was curling up into a ball deep inside herself. But Josephine was her problem, and she needed to figure this out on her own.
“Jamie.” Lisa waved her hand back and forth in front of her. “You okay?”
She nodded, clearing her throat. “Of course. Just thinking.”
“You know you’re my girl, right?” Lisa rested her chin on her fist, her hip cocked to one side.
Jamie sighed. “Yes.”
“Then I’m going to tell you straight up. You’ve got to get your shit together. You’ve been walking around here like a fire-breathing dragon. Everyone is afraid of stepping on your tail because you’ll burn ’em to a crisp like Mario burnt that roast the night Emmitt was out sick.” She raised an eyebrow, seemingly encouraged by the small smile creeping across Jamie’s lips. “Whatever is bothering you, you need to talk to somebody about it. If you don’t want to talk to your girl, that’s fine. I’m hurt, but I’ll get over it. But you need to talk to somebody, because whatever it is is eating you up inside. And we—the innocent villagers—are tired of running around here afraid you’re going to eat our asses.”
Jamie laughed in spite of herself. “I haven’t been that bad, have I?”
“I’m pretty sure Juan peed himself when you yelled at him for leaving spots on your glasses the other night.”
Jamie put a hand to her forehead and exhaled. “I was such a bitch to him. I should apologize.”
“You should.” Lisa pointed a finger at her. “But not yet. I wanna see that pervy motherfucker squirm a bit more first.”
They both laughed, some of the tension finally leaving her body. It was the first time she’d felt anything but anger, resentment and anxiousness since she’d gotten the call from Nurse Nelson a week ago.
“Okay,” Jamie said finally. “I will.”
“You will, what...talk to someone about what’s been bothering you?” Lisa folded her arms across her stomach and raised one of those skinny eyebrows of hers.
Jamie nodded. “Yes. I’ll do it tonight. I promise.”
Lisa sighed with relief. “Good.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Jamie leaned against the building during her break, arms folded to shield her from a cold wind. She could really use a cigarette right now, or maybe something a little stronger. Too bad she’d given both up a couple of years ago. She sucked on a lollipop instead, clutching her cell phone in the other hand. She’d been staring at it for five minutes, still unsure of who she should call. Her first instinct was to call Melanie. But talking to Mel and Mimi about her real parents made her feel like a pathetic misfit, unwanted by her own parents. Talking about it dragged those feelings right out into the open, where she could no longer avoid them.
She thought of calling Ellie, but to her, Eleanor Gordon was her mother. Talking to her about Jo felt like betrayal. Ellie had the job of being her mother far longer than Jo had. Wasn’t accepting Jo tantamount to rejection of Ellie? Jamie had put the woman through enough over the years. She didn’t want to cause her any more sleepless nights.
Then there was Miles. He’d proved that she could tell him anything. She shut her eyes and bit her trembling lip. The man had been nothing short of amazing—patient, understanding. Something deep inside her ached for his comforting touch, his confident reassurance. But when she’d opened her mouth to tell him, the words died on her tongue. The idea of telling him about her junkie mother ODing was humiliating. Jamie shook her head and sucked deeper, sliding her tongue along the rapidly vanishing candy coating. She slid down the wall, her butt resting on her raised heels as she squatted, her back pressed against the cold bricks.
Ex was the only person in her world who could truly understand what this was like. She scrolled through her contacts, found his number and hit Send.
She squeezed her eyes shut as the phone rang. They hadn’t spoken since the fight they’d had at her place. What would she say? I know I kicked you out of my house, but I could really use a friend right now. He’d probably hang up, and he had every right to. But despite their dysfunctional history, he was her friend, and she needed him. Relieved to get his voice mail, she drew in a deep breath, releasing it once she heard the tone.
“Hey, Ex, it’s me, Jamie. I called to say I’m sorry about the fight we had. I...I miss you. And I need you. Jo OD’d a few days ago. She’s in the hospital and...I can’t...I don’t know what to do. I tried to pretend like I don’t give a shit whether she lives or dies, you know. But I’m not doing a very good job of that either and...I guess I just really need to talk to you. Talking to you always helps me figure shit like this out. Look, I know you have no reason to call me back and maybe you won’t, but if you could...I’d really appreciate it.” She glanced down at her watch. “I get off at two-thirty, so you can call me then, or tomorrow, or whenever. Thanks.”
Jamie ended the call, her hands trembling. Cracking the candy shell with her teeth, she crunched her way to the soft, gooey center. She clambered to her feet and tossed the stick in the trash bin behind the restaurant. Then she retreated inside from the cold.
* * *
Jamie and Lisa walked outside into the dark, cold air. Light flurries fell around them as they joked about Emmitt’s latest culinary breakdown. The man was an excellent chef, but one temperamental little bitch.
“Hey, you.”
The beating of Jamie’s heart quickened. She turned and looked over her shoulder. Ex was in his car—a souped-up classic GTO that looked and sounded like it’d been to hell and back. He grinned at her and she smiled back, raising her hand slightly, and wriggling her fingers.
Jamie turned to Lisa. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Hey.” Lisa tugged on the arm of her coat and whispered in her ear loudly, “I thought you guys had a big fight.”
“We did, but we’ve been friends forever. You said I needed to talk to someone, so that’s what I’m doing.”
“But Ex? The boy’s got it bad for you, girl. I’m telling you, you’re playing with fire. You and Miles have something special. Don’t do anything that’ll fuck that up.” Lisa’s voice was insistent, her eyes pleading.
Jamie shoved her hands in her pockets and glanced at Ex’s car, not moving her head. Her voice was shaky. “I won’t. I promise. It’s just that we go back a long way. He’s the only person who’d understand what I’m going through right now.”
Lisa let out a defeated sigh then tightened her grip on Jamie’s arm. “He’s the only one who’d understand because you won’t give the rest of us a chance to. I’m your friend, too, Jamie. We haven’t known each other as long as you and Ex, or you and Melanie, but we’re friends. I care about what happens to your sorry ass, too. Maybe one day you’ll believe that enough to talk to me.” She let go of Jamie’s sleeve and folded her arms across her chest. “In the meantime, just make sure Mr. Way Back over there doesn’t drag you back to a place in your life where you don’t want to go. And don’t fuck up what you have with Miles. The guy l
oves you.” Lisa dashed across the parking lot to her car and hopped inside without waiting for a response.
Jamie took a deep breath then made her way to Ex’s car. Leaning against the car door, she peered through the lowered window. “Thanks for responding to my call. I didn’t know if you would. I was rambling like an idiot, but you didn’t have to come all the way—”
“You gettin’ in or what? It’s like zero fucking degrees out.” He unlocked the doors.
She pulled the handle and slipped into the passenger seat. “Look, Ex, I’m really sorry about—”
“Forget about it.” He waved his hand. “Where we headed? Not many places open this late. You up for a gyro?”
A broad smile spread across her face. She remembered those mornings they’d dragged their asses into Best Steak & Gyros House after staying out all night. The place still stayed open twenty-four hours, despite the deterioration of the neighborhood. The food was so good, it was worth risking life and limb. “I haven’t had one of those in forever. Probably since the last time I was there with you.”
Ex broke into a smile, but a slight grimace hovered beneath it. For a moment he seemed to be somewhere else. “Yeah, good times.”
“I’d love to get a gyro, but I’d have to come back and get the truck.”
“Tell you what, I’ll pick up the food, and then I’ll meet you at your place in about an hour.”
Jamie bit the inside of her cheek, and shifted in her seat. “It’s late, and you probably have to go to work tomorrow.”
“Look, James, you’re one of the best friends I got. If you need me, I’m here. Just say the word.” His eyes met hers.
She nodded, biting back the tears that prickled the backs of her tired eyes. “Thanks. I’ll leave the door unlocked.”
Jamie exited his car, got into hers and turned the ignition. As soon as Ex pulled out of the parking lot she released a breath and laid her head against the headrest. She needed Ex right now. Everyone would just have to understand.
* * *
Ex ambled into the apartment smelling like he’d raided an entire Greek village. She inhaled. “My God, that smells good!” She took the bags from him, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. “You always know how to make things right in my world again.”
Ex smiled sheepishly as he shrugged his jacket off and tossed it on the chair. “I’ve had a lot of practice.”
“True.” Jamie opened the containers on the coffee table. He’d gotten a jumbo gyro for each of them. There was enough meat spilling out of each box to make three gyros. They were generous with their proportions and made some of the best gyros in town. “I’ll get some plates.”
She shuffled into the kitchen and filled two glasses with ice. Then she gathered plates, a fork and a knife before sitting on the floor between the couch and the coffee table. Ex slid onto the floor next to her. They loaded their sandwiches with onions, tomatoes, lettuce and tzatziki sauce, then devoured them.
“What is it about Greek food that makes it even more amazing in the wee hours of the morning?” she managed between bites.
“I don’t know,” he mumbled back through a mouthful of food. “But it’s true.” He took another bite, chewed then swallowed. “So, about your mom...”
Her spine stiffened instantly. “She overdosed a few days ago. She’s in Cuyahoga General. They called the night she was admitted. Whoever brought her in gave them my card.”
“What’d you say when they called?”
Jamie put her food down, wiping her hands on a napkin before taking a deep swallow of her Jack and Coke. “That I was her daughter but that she wasn’t my mother, and I had no idea who they should call.”
Ex whistled. “That’s cold.”
Jamie shot him a look that was part outrage, part concession.
He continued, “I mean, I know how you feel about Jo, and you’ve got reason to be pissed, but she’s still your mom, you know?”
Jamie gulped more of her drink then wiped her mouth with the back of her fingers. “Not by choice. I’d change it in a minute if I could.”
“I wouldn’t,” Ex said. Jamie looked at him. He elbowed her gently. “Because we’d never have become friends. Who knows what our lives might have been? Maybe they’d be better, maybe not.”
Jamie bit her lip. She studied his face for a moment, her head tilted. Despite Ellie’s insistence otherwise, Ex was a good guy, a smart guy who, like her, had a shitty start in life. They were both lucky to still be alive, to have survived their dubious childhoods. They’d gotten through a lot of it because they had each other. Before she’d met the Gordons, she’d had Ex. She remembered how safe she’d felt when he’d hold her hand in the playground of the trailer park and tell her that everything would be okay, no matter what was happening back at her place. She reached her hand out to him, wanting to feel that way now. He regarded it carefully before placing his hand in hers and giving it a gentle squeeze.
She buried her face in her free hand, but he pulled her into a hug, wrapping her in his long arms. Her head pressed against his shoulder, silent tears slid down her face.
“What’re you gonna do?” They were huddled on the couch under a blanket, her face buried in his chest.
“I wanted to just write her off, but I can’t. I’ve been calling every day to see how she’s doing. At work, I’ve been a total bitch, and I don’t even know why.”
“Yes, you do.” He pressed his lips gently against her forehead as he raked his calloused fingers through her hair, messy from lying against his chest. “Deep down you know you should go see her. She’s your mother. I know she wasn’t the best mom, but she’s yours. No one blames you for hating her for what she put you through, but we both know she was fighting her own demons.”
Jamie sighed, repositioning herself on the couch and swiping at the corners of her eyes with the back of her hand. Her fuckeduptitude—or general capacity for being able to royally fuck up just about anything—would have made Josephine Charles’s transgressions seem like a jaywalking ticket, if she hadn’t had some luck and the unconditional love and support she’d gotten from Ellie, Lou and the girls. Maybe, if she was being rational, she should cut Jo some slack. But it was hard to be rational about your parents abandoning you.
“If it’s the right thing to do, why does it scare the shit out of me?”
Ex sighed, rubbing her back. “‘Cause life is hard, babe. It’s not easy to forgive, especially when it’s family. And that’s what this is really about, whether you can forgive her.”
Jamie lifted herself on one elbow so their eyes met. “Give me one reason I should.”
“Because your hatred for her is like acid that’s been eating away at your insides, destroying your life, your ability to love.” He grimaced as he said it. His eyes seemed to offer a silent apology. “You think you’re punishing them somehow, but really you’re just punishing yourself and everyone who’s ever tried to love you. So don’t do it for her, do it for you. And for all of us who want to finally see you happy.”
She turned her head, her eyes stinging with tears. “What if...what if I can’t? Then what?”
“You learn how. It’s the kind of thing you gotta learn by doing it.” He forced a smile. “You can do this, James. You have to, unless you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like this, afraid to let anyone in.”
“I’m not afraid to—”
“Yes, you are.” His voice was firm. “You always have been. That’s why you don’t like making new friends. That’s why you’ve always kept your relationships strictly physical. You’re afraid to open yourself up, to trust anyone. It’s no way to live.”
She reached across the table and poured herself another drink. Barely taking a breath, she downed the entire glass. Hand trembling, she slammed the empty glass on the table.
He placed a hand on her knee. “It’s okay to be scared. We’re all afraid of something.”
“Flying, tight spaces, spiders...I get why people are afraid of those things. But I
’m so messed up I can’t even... no matter how hard I try I just can’t...” She sighed, forcing her head against the back of the couch.
He slipped his arm behind her head and pulled her to him again. “You know what I’ve always admired about you?” She shook her head against his chest. “It wasn’t that you weren’t afraid. It was that you never let fear stop you. You did the thing that scared you anyway, because the reward was worth it. This is no different.”
“But it is!” She sat up again. “I’ve broken bones, suffered road rash and cuts and bruises. None of that shit hurt half as much as letting someone in here—” she tapped her chest, “—especially when there’s a good chance they’re gonna let you down.” She shook her head again vehemently. “I don’t think I can do this.”
He gripped her shoulders and forced her eyes to meet his. “You can do any-fucking-thing you put your mind to, understand me?”
Jamie bit her lip and nodded. “Yeah.”
“Good,” he said. “Because I know you can do anything. Even this.”
“I can. I can do this.” Jamie settled against him and sighed, nodding. She suddenly sat up again, her eyes pleading. “But only if you’ll go with me. I can’t go alone, and I’m not ready to take Ellie or Miles. Not yet.” Uneasiness churned in her belly, guilt tugging at her insides. Miles and Ellie would be disappointed that she hadn’t come to them first. And the truth was, she needed them—both of them. She’d tell them eventually. With a vortex of emotions swirling in her chest, she needed to anchor herself. To find her strength. So she’d sought comfort in the familiarity she and Ex shared. A bond like theirs was rare and not easily broken.
“I’ll go with you as soon as we get some sleep, if you want.” He squeezed her to his chest.
“You don’t know how much this means to me. How much you mean to me.” She inhaled deeply, relief flooding her. It was the calmest she’d felt since getting that call nearly a week ago.
* * *
It was the third time in the past week that Ex had taken her to the hospital to see Jo. Her visits were always brief. First, she’d follow up with the nurses to see if there’d been any change, and then she’d make her way to Jo’s room. She stayed exactly twenty minutes. Just long enough to sit in a chair in the corner of the room, watching her, wondering if Jo knew she was there.