Bad Rep

by A. Meredith Walters

  “Why did I do that? Because of you! It's always about you!” I hollered, fisting my hands at my side. Jordan leaned down to the floor and grabbed his jeans, putting them back on.

  “So the fact that you tried to take out Olivia is my fault? Am I hearing that right?” he asked. I recognized a dangerous edge to his voice but I was way passed caring.

  “Well, every single crappy thing that has happened in the past four months has somehow circled around good ol' Jordan Levitt. So you do the fucking math!” I threw at him. Jordan's lips thinned and his face started to flush. His eyes glinted angrily.

  “Is that how you really feel?” he asked quietly.

  Right then, it was exactly how I felt. None of this would have happened to me if he hadn't decided to chase after me. I was so angry. And damned if in my overly emotional state, it was all his fault. “Sometimes, Jordan, I wish you had never bothered with me at all,” I whispered. I realized what I had said as the words hit him. He sucked in a breath and the anger faded from his face. Replaced with something so much worse.

  “Maysie. You can't mean that,” he choked out. He looked stricken and part of me hated what I was saying. No, I didn't mean it. Well, not entirely. But there was a part of me that was seriously angry and bitter and I was taking all of it...every single bad thing, out on him. It was wrong. It was hateful and cruel. But I was feeling hateful and cruel. I just wanted to stop feeling so shitty all the time. At whatever the cost.

  I looked away, my shoulders sagging. Jordan's fingers curled around my chin as he pulled my face back towards his. His other hand came up to roughly clasp the back of my neck. His fingers were hot against my skin and his breathing was ragged. He wore only his jeans and his fantastic chest gleamed in the darkness. He was so damn beautiful.

  “Look at me!” he pleaded and I raised my eyes to meet his. The deep blue of his irises were wet and I realized he was holding back tears. “I'm so sorry you feel that you've had to deal with the fall out alone. I made some shitty choices. I should have handled things better. I hate that you've borne the brunt of that. It kills me.” His hand tightened at the back of my neck and I was helpless in his grasp.

  “I've gotten my fair share of grief too, you know. The guys at the house won't lay off and that's why I rarely go there anymore,” he admitted and I blinked in surprise.

  Though that's nothing like what I've had to deal with. The hateful, bitter voice in my head taunted. God I wished it would just shut up. I tried to pull out of his hold but he moved his hands to capture my face.

  “Maysie, please. Don't let all of that other crap get in the way of you and me,” he begged, his thumbs caressing my cheeks. I closed my eyes against the warring emotions doing battle inside me.

  “But it already has, Jordan,” I said softly. Jordan yanked me forward and pressed his forehead to mine. His breath came quick and harsh against my lips and I couldn't look at him, so I kept my eyes closed.

  “I love you, Maysie,” he said in a strangled whisper. I squeezed my eyes tight. No! He could not be choosing this moment to tell me something so important! What the hell?

  “Maysie! Look at me! I love you!” His voice was gutted and I refused to open my eyes. Then his mouth was on mine. His lips were persistent and demanding, his tongue running along the seam of my mouth begging for entry. But I wouldn't give it to him.

  “Maysie! You promised me you wouldn't run!” he pleaded again, his mouth crushing against me, trying desperately to illicit a response. But I felt dead inside. I was tired and sick of it all. I loved Jordan. I wished I could tell him that. But right then, it just didn't matter. I felt like I had to get control of my life back. And I didn't think I could do that with him near me.

  “I need you to leave,” I said against his mouth. Jordan stilled, his fingers digging into the sides of my face almost painfully.

  “No, I'm not going anywhere,” he said stubbornly. I reached up and pulled his hands away from me. I finally opened my eyes and coldly regarded him.

  “I told you to leave. I can't do this right now. I'm a mess. I need some space,” I bit out.

  Jordan tried to grab a hold of me again but I was able to move away before he did so. “I can't leave. Why the fuck are you doing this?” he asked in a tortured voice. I shook my head. My mind was made up. Sure, I'd probably wake up in the morning, regretting this decision. But right now, it seemed to make perfect sense.

  “Because, my life is in shambles and somehow it all seems to come back to you! I just need a breather!” my voice rose and I saw Jordan flinch. Then his eyes shuttered and his teeth clenched. The desperate tenderness was replaced by something colder. Harder.

  He picked his shirt off the floor and yanked it over his head. My heart caught in my throat as I watched him shove his feet into his shoes. He grabbed his bike key off of the coffee table and walked to the door with angry steps. Before opening it, he turned to face me one last time.

  “I meant what I said, Mays. I love you. So damn much. And you'll wake up in the morning and realize you threw away something fucking perfect for NOTHING!” he yelled. I winced as though his words were a physical blow. He took a deep breath and calmed down.

  “I thought you were worth everything. That we were worth all the drama and bullshit. I am willing to fight to the death for what we have. But I can only do that if you're willing to fight with me.” His eyes drilled into mine, lost and disappointed. My stomach dropped to the floor. He turned his back to me and opened the door. “But obviously you can't do that. Or won't. And I'm a damn fool,” he said with a sad resignation that hurt worse than his anger.

  I opened my mouth to say something. Anything. I had no idea what I could do to make this better. Whether I wanted to make this better. But I knew with absolute certainty that I was making the biggest mistake of my life. What the hell? My decision had seemed so crystal clear five minutes ago. What was wrong with me? Riley was right, I was sabotaging everything.

  But before I could do anything, Jordan walked out and slammed the door behind him. And I was left standing there in the carnage I had created. With my heart in pieces, I dropped to the floor and cried.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  To say I was depressed was a massive understatement. The week after Jordan and I broke up found me barely getting out of bed, blowing off classes, only eating when Riley forced me to. I hadn't seen a shower in three days but I was way passed caring.

  I had fucked up. Why had I fucked up? Because I was angry. And scared. And I had allowed other people to influence how I felt about the one person who mattered most to me. I was a complete and total idiot.

  Jordan hadn't called. I checked my phone obsessively. Even going so far as to sleep with it in my hand. Every morning I checked to see if he had called or sent me a text. Every day began with the same gripping disappointment because he never did.

  But why would he? I had thrown him out of my apartment after he had given me some of the most amazing sex of my life. I was an ass. And now I was a lonely ass.

  I started skipping my classes and my grades were taking a nose dive. I avoided all calls from my parents. I purposefully ignored Gracie and Vivian's efforts to reach me. I locked myself in my room and wallowed. One thing was for certain. I was a world class moper.

  The hours felt like weeks. The days felt like years. I missed him. I ached for him. But I was scared to do anything about it. Because I had shattered what was between us into tiny, itty bitty slivers. My parents were right and I was a grade A screw up.

  “It smells like misery in here,” Riley remarked, poking her head around the door of my bedroom. I was curled on my side, staring at my blank phone, willing it to ring. I mumbled something unintelligible. Riley sighed and ventured inside. She sat down on the edge of my bed and took my phone, placing it on my nightstand.

  “When was the last time you showered?” she asked, scrunching up her nose. I gave myself a whiff. Man, I was ripe. Riley made a face. “I think it's time you start bathing again. Do society a fa
vor,” she said. I sat up and ran my fingers through my greasy hair.

  “Fine,” I huffed, getting up.

  “And shave, Mays. You're growing a forest on your legs,” Riley called after me as I went into the bathroom. The shower didn't make me feel better. But, Riley was right, I was bordering on gross.

  I wrapped up in my robe and went into the kitchen where Riley handed me a turkey sandwich. “Eat,” she commanded, leveling me a look that brooked no argument. I took the plate and held it limply in my hands. Riley rolled her eyes. “You lift the food and put it in your mouth. Like this.” Riley took a bite of her own sandwich and chewed with exaggerated slowness.

  Normally I would have snarked back at her. This time I just did as I was told and ate a few bites of the sandwich. My stomach rebelled after being empty for so long. “Jeesh, Maysie. You're a wreck.” Riley said after watching me struggle to keep down the food.

  “Thanks,” I said sarcastically, putting the plate down on the counter.

  Riley slammed her dishes into the sink and turned to give me a hard core glare. “Why do you do this?” she asked angrily.

  “What?” I asked indifferently.

  “You know what. This.” She waved her hand in my direction.

  I shrugged, not bothering to answer. Riley groaned. “You're forcing me to use tough love,” she muttered. She grabbed me by my shoulders and gave me a less than gentle shake. “Snap out of this. Stop turning into a zombie every time your life gets a little fucked up. It's sad and more than a little pathetic. First with that Chi Delta shit, now with Jordan. Enough!” she yelled in my face.

  I didn't flinch. My face was impassive as I took her frustration and chucked it away. What did I care that she was angry? Everyone was angry with me. What else was new? Then Riley slapped me. I gasped in shock and lifted my hand to cover my stinging skin. “What the hell?” I snapped, my blood pressure rising.

  “There it is! There's the Maysie Ardin I know.” She pointed in my face. Crap, my cheek hurt.

  “There is no reason to hit me,” I bit out, feeling the first signs of emotion wash through me. After a week of being dead to all feeling but grief, it felt kind of good to be pissed.

  Riley reached up and took a handful of my hair and gave it a yank. “Ow!” I yelped, pulling away from my psychotic roommate.

  “What are you going to do about it? Huh?” Riley pulled my hair again and this time I shoved her.

  “Stop it! Leave my fucking hair alone!” I yelled. Oh yeah, I was mad.

  Instead of backing away, Riley threw her arms around me and gave me a big hug. She stepped back, grinning. “Nice to see you again. I've missed you,” she said proudly, clearly pleased that she was able to get a response out of me. I couldn't help but smile at my whacked out friend.

  “That was dirty. Even for you,” I admitted gruffly, rubbing my throbbing scalp. The girl was a scrappy fighter.

  “Desperate times call for desperate measures. I did the same thing to Jordan yesterday,” she told me, smirking. My stomach flip flopped at the mention of Jordan but I struggled to smile anyway.

  “Oh yeah?” I had to ask. I longed for news of him. Just hearing his name was enough to give my heart a lift.

  Riley pulled out a sleeve of chocolate chip cookies and crammed one in her mouth. “He's been moping around almost worse than you. His tips have been shit because all he does is bark at everyone. Hell, he almost took Damien's head off the other day for asking what time it was,” Riley said, clearly irritated with the whole thing.

  Well, that made me feel like crap warmed over. “I'm not sure what to say about that,” I said miserably. Riley shook me again.

  “You don't have to say anything. Just deal with it. Grow up and grow a pair. You and Jordan want to be together. I'm not sure what happened because you refuse to talk about it. But whatever it was, it's bull. Stop letting your stupid pride and whatever else it is, stop you from being with the person you want to be with,” Riley practically shouted at me.

  “It's not that simple,..” I started but Riley cut me off.

  “It is that simple.” She went back into my bedroom and came out with my cell phone. She shoved it in my hands. “Call him. Now!” she demanded, pointing at the phone.

  “I can't. He won't want to talk to me!” I whined. Riley grabbed the phone from me and started scrolling down through my contacts.

  “Did you not just hear me say he is as miserable as you are? He'll want to talk to you.” She jabbed a few buttons and handed the phone to me. I could hear it ringing.

  “Talk to him!” she said, gesturing for me to put the phone to my ear. I sighed, my heart pounding and I lifted it to my ear. What was I going to say? Dear god, what if he hated me?

  Turns out it didn't matter because I got his voice mail. I hung up instead of leaving a message. “He didn't answer,” I said gloomily, tossing the phone onto the counter.

  “And you didn't leave him a message? Maysie!” she chastised.

  “I am NOT leaving him some pathetic message. If he wants to talk to me, he'll see that I called and call me back. Case closed.” My voice was hard and allowed no argument.

  ~~

  I sat chain smoking out on the balcony. The sun was just setting and the air had turned cool. My feet were propped up on the railing and I rocked backward in my chair on two legs. “Can I bum one?” a voice called from below.

  I slammed my chair back down on the floor and leaned over the railing. Eli stood there, smiling up at me in that lazy way of his. He always looked like he had just rolled out of bed. I gave him a small wave of my fingers. “Hey,” I called back.

  “So, seriously, can I come up and have a smoke?” he asked, scratching the back of his neck. Um. “Come on, I'm nicing out down here,” he pleaded.

  “Then go buy your own,” I replied. Eli laughed.

  “Never givin' a guy a break. I promise to be good.” His tone communicated that he wanted to be anything but good.

  “Get up here,” I sighed, before I could think longer about it. Eli grinned and disappeared. A few minutes later there was a light knock at my door. I let Eli in and he followed me back out to the balcony. I handed him my pack of cigarettes and he shook one out and balanced it between his lips before lighting it.

  I tapped another smoke out and held it between my fingers. I glanced at Eli. He wasn't saying anything, only staring off into the darkening sky. It had been awhile since I had seen him. Things had always been so uncomplicated with him. None of the crazy drama that came with loving Jordan.

  For a brief second, I sort of missed Eli and how simple my relationship had been with him. Even if it was lacking in any real depth and passion, it never made me feel like I was losing my mind. I was torn as to whether that was a good thing or not.

  “You don't look so hot, Mays,” Eli said after awhile, watching me as I finally lit my cigarette. I took a long drag and slowly exhaled.

  “Thanks,” I said blandly. Eli grimaced.

  “I didn't mean you're not still hot, because babe, you'll always be smokin.' It's just you seem different. I don't know...sad, maybe.” When had Eli become so perceptive?

  “Yeah, things have been a little chaotic lately,” I admitted, flicking ash onto the concrete floor. Eli nodded.

  “I understand chaos,” he said shortly, not elaborating. I could tell there was a story there.

  “Oh yeah?” I asked, probing a bit.

  Eli took another drag from his cigarette. “Oh, yeah. Life is nothing but mess and fucking chaos. It wouldn't be life it wasn't,” he said, the words hanging in the air. I cleared my throat. Not used to this deep side of Eli. I wasn't sure what to say.

  His mouth quirked up on one side in the shadow of a smile. “You and me, Mays. We don't know shit about each other. We started that thing between us without finding out what we were each made of. What made us tick. I thought you were a pretty, rich college chick just looking for a good time. And you saw me as some townie who you could fuck around with until something b
etter came along.” I was shocked at how bitter he sounded. Had I really hurt him when I called things off? I had no clue he actually cared about me as more than a piece of ass.

  “Eli...” I started but he cut me off with a laugh.

  “Sorry, babe. I don't mean to get all serious on you. What I'm trying to say is there's more to each of us than the other thought.” He turned to face me and I had a hard time reading his expression in the newly descended darkness. The streetlights had come on and the world was still.

  I looked at Eli. I mean, really looked at him. He was right, I knew nothing about him. I had judged him early on and hadn't changed my opinion in all the months since I had met him. But seeing him sitting there, with the cigarette dangling loosely from his fingers with their chewed down nails and callouses from playing the guitar, I knew that I had been extremely unfair to him. Because there was so much more to this good looking guy sitting beside me. And I felt a little disappointed that I wasn't going to be the girl to find out exactly what that more was.