“So, you call on another fucking man!?”
“I did whatever it took to make sure our son had a roof over his head! You inspired me, so I stepped up. This isn’t about Brett! This is about me not depending on—”
“Me! Not depending on me! Because you still don’t fucking trust me!”
“You weren’t here! I had to make shit happen. Relying on someone else is not something I’m used to. It’s been that way my whole life! I had to do something! I had to—”
“You had to trust me. That’s all you had to do,” he says, scooping up his duffle.
“Troy, I’m sorry. I overreacted. I am sorry. You deserved better. I was planning on talking to you when you got home.”
“You weren’t there for me when I needed you most. Just for once, couldn’t you put my feelings, my needs before yours?”
“That’s all I’ve been doing!”
“The answer is no. You couldn’t. And so, I sent a dick pic to your best friend.”
“What?”
“Did you two laugh it up?” He spits in utter disgust.
“Jesus, no. Of course not, I had no idea. I’m going to kill her. Troy—”
“Here,” He pulls a folded piece of paper from the mesh of his duffle and hands it to me.
“What’s this?”
I scan the paper. It’s a lab report with his name on the top. Results from a drug test at Combine the day after Dante found the syringe. Negative for all substances. “It’s your fucking proof.”
“Troy, I believed you—”
“No, you didn’t, and you’ll never fully trust me. Not the way I need you to.”
He walks over to where I stand and places his key in my palm. “In your eyes, I’ll always be the teenager who lied and got you pregnant, not the man you rely on.”
I feel myself rip in half as I search his eyes. “Troy, this has gotten way out of hand.”
He steps back. “I agree.”
I take one forward, and he shakes his head. “Don’t.”
“Don’t?” I swallow. “Don’t now or don’t ever? What are you saying?”
The decision in his eyes terrifies me. “I’m saying this isn’t going to work out.” He retrieves his duffle and shakes his head. “I’m saying it’s over.”
“Troy,” I cry as he opens the door and turns back, eyes watering, his resignation clear.
“You don’t mean it. You’re angry with me. Don’t do this. We’ve overcome so much to be together. I was upset. I had a right to be, but I was always planning on talking to you, hashing it out with you. I just had to calm down, get my bearings. Dante—”
“Yes, let’s talk about Dante. It’s been seven fucking months. Do you ever plan on telling him I’m his father?”
“Of course, I was just waiting—”
“For what? What in the hell are you waiting for?”
“For us to—”
“There is no us. Not anymore and not without him, so you better keep that shit in mind.”
Reeling, I feel my hackles rise. “What in the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It means don’t even dream of keeping me from my son because of this.”
“Troy, I would never—”
“Oh, but you have, haven’t you?”
I have no defense. None.
“Just a heads up, those checks you cashed are a paper trail, proof of child support.”
“What?” I place my hand on my stomach, feeling kicked as bile climbs my throat.
“I don’t want things to get ugly, but Dante is all that’s between us now, and I refuse to let you hold that over my head anymore.”
I begin to shake uncontrollably. “Y-you d-don’t mean that.”
“Do yourself a favor and play fair, and I will too. I don’t want to hurt you.”
Blistering pain rolls through me as I try and grasp the events of the last few minutes. I’m face to face with Troy’s Gemini, and the hardest part is that I know I’m the one who is responsible for bringing it out of him.
“You would try and take him from me?”
“Never. But you’re no longer the only parent who gets to make decisions. Get used to it.”
I shake my head. “You’re not saying this to me.”
He shrugs as if he hasn’t just stabbed me in the heart. “I guess deep down, I was protecting myself too. How’s that for a one-eighty? In the last twenty-four hours, I’ve realized I. Can’t. Fucking. Trust. You.”
“You’ve made your point.” My voice cracks, as my heart shatters. “Go.”
“I’ll pick up Dante in the morning,” and with that, he shuts the door.
Troy
“Hey, man, good to have you back,” Kevin says, clapping me on the shoulder.
“Good to be back,” I lie, scanning the party. Nothing about being here appeals to me. Everything feels fucked personally and everything seems to be going right for me professionally.
Inside I’m a shell. Outside I’m still the man I’ve always been, a free agent in every sense of the word. Business as usual.
And I hate every fucking minute of it.
She’s with him.
The same thought eats me from the inside out and has been for hours as I sip my beer to try and numb up. But I’m deluding myself. Nothing is working. Nothing.
Dante senses the separation between his mother and me, but he’s none the wiser about our relationship or lack thereof. We were right to keep it hidden. It’s been weeks since I handed back her key. The consistent stab I feel every time I open my eyes in the morning is enough to end me. The ache worsens when I turn over in my bed to see Clarissa readying Dante for another day, another day without me.
Aside from being close to my son, I hate my living situation and can’t wait until the semester is over. I want no part of existing in this house the way things are. Theo’s head is in the fucking clouds, hence why he agreed to let me throw this get together, and Lance already has one foot out the door.
I’m about to get drafted, graduate with my degree, and live my dream.
Inside this full circle, I’m empty.
And it’s pure fucking torture.
She’s with him.
Finishing school and snatching my diploma feels like a sentence, much like loving a woman who can’t give me the whole of herself. But I refuse to pay any more for crimes I didn’t commit. And every day, I battle with the guilt of just how much I hurt her with my threats and the way I left things.
When I confronted her, I was unreasonably angry and rightfully so.
It was all take and no give with her, and I’d hit my fucking limit.
And the feeling of seeing her now is both dose and withdrawal, either side of a prison I can’t seem to escape.
This unrequited love shit is for the birds.
But wasn’t it love we had? What we felt?
Wanting this woman is torture. Loving this woman is fucking humiliating.
This shit has to end, but lately, I can’t seem to breathe without the air scraping the rawness in my chest. The hurt only fuels my anger. I’m drowning in resentment, teetering on the brink of love and hate for her. All of that effort, everything I did to earn my family, was for nothing.
Because she’s with him.
And right now, I’d give anything, do anything, to make this ache in my chest cease.
We haven’t spoken. No words, just texts, and all of them about Dante. She’s working her ass off. I know that much by the absence of her SUV in the late hours of the night. She hasn’t once looked my way when we’ve crossed paths, and I know it has everything to do with my threats. It’s as if I took the knife from my own heart and drove it straight into her back. I went there, to a place she’s not likely to forgive me for. And I did it purposefully, eradicating our chances because, without trust, we have nothing. And with that decision, that’s exactly what we are, nothing. But today she threw the dagger back the second she got into that BMW. The proverbial nail in our coffin.
With the w
ork done and the start of my future mere weeks away, I can’t seem to take a step forward or in any direction.
I need something other than the constant need I battle with daily, to be close, to reclaim my family, my place. But it’s no longer mine, so instead, I reach for my next beer.
And that’s when I see her, my mystery girl, sauntering up to my party. Her sudden appearance jars me, and I take it as a sign. And this time, I won’t take no for an answer.
Diane’s Pasta Salad
Sales Rep-Rhode Island
Makes 8 servings
30 minutes
Tri-Color Pasta (or pasta of your choice)
Zesty Italian Dressing (Preferably Kraft or Wal-Mart brand)
Mozzarella Cheese – cut into cubes
Broccoli Florets
Cauliflower Florets
Sliced Olives
Cherry Tomatoes – Halved (or diced tomatoes)
Purple Onion – Chopped
Ham or Salami – cubed
The amount of each ingredient depends on number of people to be served. One package of pasta makes enough for a family.
Mix all ingredients adding Italian Dressing to taste.
Chill for a few hours before serving.
Clarissa
Parker: You need to come home. Now. Some shit just went down next door. Something’s wrong.
“Where are you tonight?” Brett says, sipping his coffee.
I close my laptop, satisfied with my progress. “Brett, I need to get home. Something’s come up. I’m sorry. I’m going to have to cut this short.”
“Sure.” Ever the gentleman, he helps me slip on my coat and opens my car door. Once inside, he glances over at me as he starts the drive toward my house.
“There’s a spring carnival coming up. What do you think about us going together? Maybe bringing Dante?”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“It’s him, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
He sighs, pulling up to a stoplight. “I figured as much.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Are you in love with him?”
“Yes. Very much so. But you should know when you and I started dating, I had the same intentions you did.”
“It’s fine,” he glances over at me. “I waited too long and it cost me.”
“Please tell me we can be friends. You did me a huge favor tonight and I’m thankful for all your help.”
“Of course, and don’t worry, you’re ready. You’ll do great.”
“Thank you. I’m nervous.”
“Don’t be. And as soon as you pass, we’ll get you situated somewhere.”
“I can’t take a job at your agency, Brett.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’m sorry. I just wouldn’t feel comfortable. I hope you understand.”
“Okay, I’ve got a few contacts I can send your way.”
“I would appreciate that.”
Minutes later, I’m sifting through my notes on my phone when Brett pulls up to my house, stopping at the curb. I turn to him.
“Clarissa, I would hate myself if I didn’t at least try—”
I shake my head, cutting him off. “Brett, I’m sorry. I just want to focus on getting my license and on Dante right now. I’m nowhere near ready for anything else.”
“Okay, but I hoped,” he leans over, giving me a chaste kiss, and I let him but the truth of the matter is, I’ll never want for another man’s kiss the way I do Troy’s. I’m irrevocably in love with him. Something I realized far too late.
“I swore there was something there.”
“There was, I just…I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, me too.” He nods toward the porch. “Looks like I’m not the only one who’s sorry.”
I look over, my heart sinking when I see Troy sitting there with a clear view into the car. Unfastening my seat belt, I glance over at Brett, “You kissed me knowing he was watching?”
Brett shrugs. “Am I supposed to feel guilty? I’m pretty sure he stepped over the same line when we dated.”
“You don’t know anything about him. About us. That was a dick move.”
He shrugs. “Made me feel better.”
“Way to make me not regret my decision, asshole.”
“I have a feeling you’ll be doing that on your own,” he spouts smugly before straightening in his seat.
“Do me a favor and lose my number.”
I slam his car door, and Brett takes off. Walking toward Troy, I spot a Honda I don’t recognize in my driveway. Confused, I approach the porch where Troy sits flipping keys in his hand.
“Are you going to introduce him to Dante?”
“It’s not like that. And the answer is no. He’s an asshole, and when I’m done with a man, I’m done.”
“You don’t say? Not the impression I just got.”
“Have you been drinking?”
“Yes, I’m a college senior. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do?”
He’s drunk. Or very close to it. “I want to talk to you, I do, but I don’t think we should have this conversation tonight.”
“If you think he’s a good guy, I guess, introduce him. Fuck,” he says, standing and holding out the keys.
“Troy,” I sigh. “That man will never meet our son. And what’s this?”
“Your new SUV,” he says, clicking the FOB. “I sold my truck.”
“You what?”
“It’s paid for. The title is in your glove compartment.”
“You sold your truck?”
He shrugs. “You needed something reliable.”
“But you loved that truck.”
“Theo got me a good deal,” he says, ignoring my protest. “There was a mix up at the dealership, and it was supposed to be delivered yesterday, but it was dropped off tonight.”
I hold the keys out to him. “Just another thing to add to your paper trail, huh? No, thanks. I don’t want it.”
“Clarissa, I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, me too. You’ll never know how much, but I’m not about to give you another reason to—”
His hand shoots out gripping mine before pressing the keys into it. “You will take it. Your SUV is shot.”
“I’m not giving you more ammunition against me.”
“I didn’t mean it,” he says hoarsely. “You know I didn’t. I would never hurt you that way. I was pissed…just…please take it. I don’t want you driving around in that piece of shit anymore. Trust me, it’s more for me than for you.”
Tears fill my eyes. “I don’t know which move damns me with you.”
“Take it,” he says, shoving his hands in his jeans. “It would be a weight off my shoulders.”
“Okay…t-thank you.” The wind kicks up, and his scent hits me. It’s comforting, while at the same time tearing me apart.
“It’s used. I’ll get you something better when I sign a contract.”
“I don’t want your fucking money,” I sniff, batting a tear away.
“Trust me,” he says in a cool tone. “I know.”
“Damn it, Troy. What I did, it was never about you, it was about me and my peace of mind. About my own ability to support myself and our son, no matter what relationship I’m in.”
“Let’s not do this,” he says. “Let’s just not.”
“Fine.” I look him over, the ache to touch him unbearable as he stands looking gorgeous in a thin blue V-neck and dark jeans.
“What about you?”
“I’m fine. I’ll find something.”
“Good to hear, but that’s not what I was asking.”
He toes the loose board on my porch. “I got my letter today. An official invite to the draft.”
“That’s incredible,” I sniff, the sight of him so close and so distant my undoing. I miss him in a way I never imagined possible. Every day is a struggle. Even with his threats, I can’t bring myself to stay angry at him.
“So, I thr
ew a little party at the house.”
“Well,” I swallow. “You have every reason to celebrate.”
“Do I?”
“Of course, it’s all you’ve been working for.”
“I must look so fucking pathetic to you.”
I shake my head. “Not at all. It wasn’t that long ago I was doing the same thing. You’re just trying to have a good time, get the most out of your year.”
“And what a year it’s been.” He looks over at me, his eyes glistening. “A banner fucking year for Troy Jenner.”
“Parker said she heard a commotion a while ago. Did something happen?”
“Yeah, what always happens. I fucked up.”
“How?”
“I thought I saw something in someone else, just for once, I thought, maybe if I could convince her I wasn’t the man you see…” I feel the stab of his admission everywhere.
Her. There’s a her.
“I wanted it to happen because it would mean I could stop thinking about you for five goddamn minutes.”
“Troy, I can’t hear this. Okay? I can’t. I took the keys. I will never keep you from your son. I don’t ever want him to be without you. I’ve given you what you’ve asked for, but I can’t hear this.”
“I watched him kiss you,” he grits out. “There’s a whole lot I can handle, but that’s not it.”
“What you saw was a lie. I did not kiss him back—”
“Do you hate me?” He asks, his eyes shining with regret.
“Do you hate me?” I rasp out, unable to keep the tears from falling.
He shakes his head, fisting his eyes. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I seem to be the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.”
“I don’t think that way at all.”
His voice is distant, he’s not hearing me. Every part of me is helplessly flailing with the knowledge I pushed him away to the point he’s entertaining the idea of other women.
“I keep coming back here because this is where I want to be. I don’t want to be anywhere else. But I’m not the man for you.”
The Underdogs: The Complete Series Page 53