The Zen of Zombie

by Scott Kenemore

  Humans have a way of getting talked out of things, often things they really want. Frequently, the person talking them out of what they want to do is themselves.

  Did you ever hear of a zombie being swindled? Or losing his nerve? Or being talked out of something?

  No you didn’t, because it doesn’t happen.

  Humans are talked out of things all the time. More accurately, humans let themselves get talked out of things all the time. Humans compromise. Humans settle.

  I’d like to jump off the trestle-bridge with the other kids, but my dad says it’s dangerous. Maybe if I jump in from the bank it’ll still be sorta fun.

  I’d sure like to get a place in Wicker Park, but the realtor says he’s got a place in West Garfield Park that’s almost as nice and a little more in my price range.

  I’d sure like to get backstage and meet Sebastian Bach, but banging that roadie with all the passes looks scary. The drum tech says I can have some free drumsticks though, if I just give him an HJ in the tour bus. Maybe I’ll do that instead.

  Typical humans ... putting off what they really want because someone has talked them out of it. Someone has led them to a sensible compromise. Someone has helped them make a prudent, safe move that minimizes their risks.

  Who makes compromises? Well, you don’t. Not anymore. Realize that when someone asks you to compromise, they are negotiating with you. You do this for me, and I’ll do that for you, and so on.

  Zombies don’t negotiate.

  Neither should you.

  Take a typical zombie situation where negotiation could occur (some would say it obviously ought to occur), and watch how it doesn’t. Say a bunch of zombies have a group of terrified humans trapped inside a remote farmhouse. The humans might have a couple of small arms and some garden implements, and the zombies have, well, other zombies. It’s a standoff. Any police negotiator will tell you that the two sides are at an impasse. One wants in, the other wants out (and to get a county or two away, just for good measure). Right now you’re just taking pot-shots at one another. Now and then the humans get brave enough to wing one of the zombies, but that’s pretty much it. Again, a conflict resolution professional will say that the only thing that “makes sense” in such a situation is to begin a dialogue. To “get the two sides talking” and so forth.

  This is exactly what the zombies don’t do.

  Could you imagine how silly a zombie would look negotiating? How would that even work? “You send out that one guy with the really big head and the rest of you can go.” But what’s sillier than a zombie trying to negotiate? Trying to negotiate with a zombie.

  Just as you never see zombies trying to talk their way into something, you never see trapped humans trying to talk their captor zombies into a compromise. Zombies don’t negotiate because they’re ambitious. What they want is to eat your brain, and they’re not going to settle for less than that. Unless you’re willing to part with your brain, bub, then you better keep reloading that shotgun and nailing shut those doors.

  Remember:

  It makes no sense to negotiate with zombies. This is obvious to everybody.

  In connection to the above, your lesson for week two will involve cultivating a zombie-like tenacity to get what you want. As the Boss says: no retreat and no surrender. But also, no fucking negotiating with these sons of bitches. Whatever you want, whether it’s seconds in the lunch line, a Lexus in the driveway, or a higher spot on an organ recipient wait-list (or, again, to eat someone’s brain), you need to make sure you are sated only by the acquisition of the thing you truly desire. And not anything less.

  The first exercise, to be completed at the beginning of the week, is to make a list of recent compromises you have made. This can be any sort of situation in which you set out to get one thing, but ended up with anything less. The list needn’t be excessively extensive, but should include your original goal and then what you settled on. For example:

  RECENT COMPROMISES I HAVE MADE:

  Went into boss’s office to demand a 20K raise. Let him talk me down to 3K and an extra vacation day.

  Told single buddy that I wasn’t going to spend my whole Saturday night as his wingman just so he could chat up the new girl from shipping and receiving. Ended up talking to “the fat friend” at some after hours bar until 4 a.m.

  Told myself that I’d start going to a new dry cleaner if they ruined another shirt. Sure enough, they ripped the buttons off my red shirt. Everybody hates that shirt except me, and it would be a longer walk to go to another dry cleaner, so I’ll just let it go. (But the next time they ruin a shirt, I am so out of there ...)

  Went to video store to get new Scorsese DVD. All copies were rented. Went home with director’s cut of Casino instead.

  Ordered bacon and sausage pizza. Went to pick it up and they’d made a broccoli and sausage pizza instead. Paid for it anyway.

  If you stop and think about it, you should be able to come up with at least a handful of examples like these—times that you didn’t get what you wanted and let that be okay with you. (It’s that second part we’re going to work on presently.)

  Now, let’s look at our list and try to figure out what would have happened in these same scenarios if we hadn’t compromised; if, instead, we had been totally uncompromising. If we had acted ... like a zombie. There may be more than one possible outcome. Take your time and tease out all of the possible outcomes (within reason). As you do this, make a new list. It could look something like this.

  RECENT COMPROMISES REDUX, WITHOUT THE COMPROMISE PART

  Went into boss’s to demand 20K raise and refused to negotiate or compromise. He eventually gave me the entire amount.

  -or-

  He fired me on the spot.

  Told single buddy I wouldn’t be anybody’s wingman until 4 a.m. Made good on threat and left him at the bar, blue balls and all. At home with the wife watching SNL by 11:30.

  Dry cleaner ruins my best red shirt. Who cares if nobody else likes the shirt—I like the shirt, okay? And I am not coming back to this dry cleaner even though I have to forevermore walk all the way over to goddamn Amsterdam Avenue to have something starched. I liked the shirt that much.

  Video store doesn’t have new DVD I want. Pretend to be one of the people who sensibly called ahead and reserved one. Thus, the DVD is obtained.

  They give me broccoli on my pizza. Broccoli on my fucking pizza. What the hell? Who even eats pizza with broccoli on it? No, I’m not paying for this, and yes, I’m taking it anyway. Because I said so, you smelly stoner, that’s why.

  Feels good, doesn’t it? Easier said than done, sure, but being totally uncompromising is an art form. It takes time, but is completely worth mastering (and completely necessary to master if you want to be like a zombie).

  “Hey, not so fast,” I hear you saying. “Things mostly worked out okay in those examples, but what about that first case? That guy might get his raise, but he could also lose his job entirely. What’s up with that?” A fair question. Sort of.

  Yes, our hypothetical compromiser (and thousands of actual people with dilemmas like his) could be in some trouble if he lost his job. That is part of the situation. He also wants a raise, however, and he can’t let fear of joblessness prevent him from going after what he wants. (If fear is still an issue for you, please repeat the exercises in the last chapter for another week before proceeding.) If our hypothetical hero does get a pink slip for insisting on a raise, then he can always go get another job ... another job where he makes 20K more than he was making at the first place. The point is, if he’s not going to get what he wants (a 20K raise, right fucking now), it’s pointless for him to stick around anyway. It makes more sense to go back into the job market and try to get something that will satisfy his salary requirement.

  Whether as essential as one’s compensation or as trifling as the topping on a pizza, being zombie-like in your utter refusal to compromise has numerous and immediate advantages.

  The exercise for the res
t of week 2 involves the steady cultivation of a drive for the things you want and against compromise.

  Here’s a little thought-experiment to prime your pump.

  Imagine a zombie at one end of a football field.

  In the opposite end zone is a delicious human, tied to a chair and waiting to be eaten. The zombie will, of course, set off in the direction of the human as fast as she can. Now imagine an enormous sack of money falls from the sky into the zombie’s path. Small bills. Non-sequential.

  Know what? The zombie’s just going to walk around it.

  Now, as she gets closer, imagine that a beautiful/handsome person of the sex to which the zombie was formerly attracted supplicates itself at the zombie’s rotting feet. While the zombie may stop momentarily to eat this looker’s brain if practicable, she will be only momentarily slowed in her advance to the opposite side of the field, and will not be seduced at all.

  As she gets even closer, around the 50 yard line say, the zombie confronts a gaggle of endless flatterers. These members of high society tell the zombie that she is the new belle of the ball, and that if she will only leave with them, she’ll be whisked off to a world of exotic getaways, glamorous parties, and grainy green-tinted sex tapes. Our inveterate zombie will not bat an eye.

  Zombie Tip:

  It is better to die on your feet than live on your knees.

  Lots of zombies live on their knees because their feet have simply rotted away, but that’s not what we’re talking about here. We’re talking about submitting to the rule of a foreign power, which zombies would never do. A zombie serves only him- or herself. So should you.

  Now, as she nears the opposite end zone, the really big guns come out. In her path are the deeds to most of the real estate bordering Central Park. A mysterious figure taps her shoulder and whispers an invitation to join Skull and Bones. Majority members of the Supreme Court announce that they have concocted a legal maneuver that will allow her to be sworn in forthwith as the first zombie President of the United States.

  And still our zombie marches forward towards her goal. Never hesitating. Never asking for more information (“Could I eat Kennedy’s preserved brain if I was zombie-President?”). Never negotiating. If she’s tempted by any of these things (and there is no reason to think she is), she doesn’t show it.

  She simply walks to the other end of the field and eats her victim’s brain. Why? Zombies don’t compromise. Zombies don’t get distracted or tempted. Zombies stick to their guns!

  During week 2 of zombification, you will take steps to identify when compromise is occurring, and to combat it as swiftly as possible.

  When people or situations attempt to ply you with compromise, follow these three easy steps.

  Identify that a compromise is in the works.

  Remind yourself of your original goal in the situation.

  Redirect the situation toward that goal (and that goal alone).

  Journaling may prove useful. (Yesterday’s Fear Journal becomes today’s Compromise Journal, etc.). As with the previous week’s exercise, you will want to record the situation leading up the event, how the event was handled, and (if compromise took place) how it might be better handled in the future. Here’s an example:

  “Compromise Journal Entry #4, Week 2 of Training—Today I got to my job right at nine o’clock, and the elevator was really crowded when I got to it. Carol, one of the nice, older ladies who works in finance, was like, ‘I think we’re about full-up. Sorry, no more room in this one. ’Reminding myself of my zombification training, I quickly understood that a compromise was in progress. I was being asked to wait for the next elevator. Reminding myself of my original goal in the situation (to get on this elevator), I quickly took steps to redirect the situation. Forcibly removing Carol from the elevator and replacing her with myself, I achieved my original goal. Indeed, as the doors shut, I encountered several gasps and expressions of horror from the other elevator passengers. (I can only assume that this is a consequence of becoming more zombie-like, and so regard it is a positive indicator of success.)”

  Over the course of this week, the people with whom you regularly interact will come to expect you to compromise to a lessening degree. Believe me, after a full seven days of the new you, they won’t even be asking if you’d mind picking up the kids tonight, if they can talk you into sharing that slice of pie, or if you could focus on “her needs” during lovemaking.

  Of course, people who are unaware of your week-long transformation will be in for quite a shock when they see you again.

  Remember:

  To compromise or become distracted is very unlike a zombie.

  To go unerringly after your goal is very much like a zombie.

  Nobody tries to negotiate with a zombie.

  As you become more like a zombie, people will try less and less to negotiate with you.

  3

  The Silence of the Zombies

  An earlier section has enumerated the many benefits of maintaining a zombie-like silence in most situations. Zombies don’t prattle, and zombies don’t brag. (What happens in the graveyard stays in the graveyard.)

  In week 3 of your zombification training, we will see how coupling this zombie silence with the caveats against fear and compromise learned in weeks 1 and 2 can combine to lead you to your next stage as a zombie acolyte.

  To review quickly, most zombies do not speak at all. A few zombies can moan or manage a word or two, and fewer still are capable of short sentences. Importantly, even those zombies who can speak do not do so unless it is vitally necessary.

  “Necessary to what?” you may ask. What it desires, of course. For a zombie, this is to eat some brains. Let me make this very clear. It is the most important lesson of week 3 training.

  Remember:

  Whenever a zombie is talking, no matter what it is talking about, it is only doing so to bring it closer to its ultimate goal (eating brains).

  Most zombie speech is simple and direct, with content that cannot be mistaken for something it is not (e.g., “braaaaaains ... braaaaaaains ... braaaaaains ... ”). However, higher functioning zombies clearly illustrate that it is permissible for a zombie to use misdirection, impersonation, and even “small talk” in its verbal interaction as long as the zombie’s ultimate goal (obtaining brains) is served by it. Now that the previous weeks’ training has inured you to the un-zombie-like traits of fear and compromise, you can spend this third week refining and honing your verbal skills to that of a zombie. It will involve a meticulous paring-down of your speech until only that which is most vital remains. It will be difficult, but you will find it most rewarding.

  Let’s begin by looking closely at a few examples of economic zombie speech. We will see that, in the end, each instance, however circuitously, serves to bring the zombie closer to his goal.

  Our first example involves a zombie named Karl, a former chemist at a research facility whose on-the-job exposure to a certain chemical compounds has had the unforeseen effect of turning him into a zombie. A few days after his natural passing, the reanimated Zombie-Karl unexpectedly arrives at his job bright and early, seemingly ready for work. As Karl approaches the security post at the entrance, his pale hands clutching his laminated security pass, we can overhear the following exchange:

  Security Guard: “Oh hey, good morning Karl. Gee, you’re back to work? I heard you were really sick or something ... ”

  Zombie Karl: “ ... nope ... ”

  After flashing his security pass, the guard dutifully opens the gate, allowing Karl to shuffle inside the facility.

  At first, Karl’s actions might appear confusing. There was a perfectly delicious security guard standing right there, armed only with a fiberglass baton and certainly not expecting to be bitten in the head. Not only did our zombie seemingly fail to take advantage of the situation, he also went to the added trouble of using speech to avoid the security guard. Yet when we remember our cardinal rule, that zombies only use speech towards their brain-noshing e
nd, we maybe begin to make inferences that explain Karl’s actions.

  Zombie Tip:

  Suck it up!

  You never hear zombies complaining about how bad they have it, even when things are at their most unpleasant. The next time you get an extra memo to write at work, the coach tells you two-a-days will start early this year, or a farmer defending his house from a zombie-horde takes out your kneecaps with his shotgun, just suck it up! No complaining allowed for zombies.

  Certainly, overpowering the security guard and chowing down would have resulted in Karl’s eating one brain, but if his goal is to eat as many brains as possible, then we begin to see how Karl’s counterintuitive zombie behavior makes perfect sense. Once inside his former workplace, Karl will have easy access to several employees and their edible brains. Further, Karl will have the added advantage of surprise, since nobody thinks something dangerous, much less a zombie, could get past the guard outside. So in leaving the security guard’s brain regrettably intact, Karl has gained access to an environment where he will be able to feast for hours on an entire laboratory full of easily surprised research scientists.