Dying to be Free

by Sutherland, Michael

  The sickly sweet odor of damp and mould was stronger than ever.

  He opened a door, pushed it wide and shone the thin beam on the floor.

  It trailed along the edge of an old mattress, up and over old blankets bunched and skewed. Then feet, old boots, on legs splayed and bent, a rag doll lying on top covered in that big stupid coat Jimmy had found in the trash. Then Jimmy’s face, his eyes closed, his mouth half open, his arms out, fingers curled like the claws of a dead bird.

  Danny rushed over and knelt on the mattress.

  Jimmy didn’t move.

  The penlight lit up a little brown bottle on the floor by Jimmy’s side.

  Danny picked it up and looked at the label - Trichlophosphamide.

  It was empty.

  Danny touched Jimmy’s face.

  His skin was warm.

  He shone the light on Jimmy’s chest.

  There was movement.

  Shallow breathing.

  Danny whispered into Jimmy’s ear, called out for him, tried to call him back.

  Jimmy didn’t move.

  Slipping an arm under Jimmy’s shoulders Danny sat him up.

  Jimmy was a dread weight for a rag doll.

  His head flopped back. His eyes remained closed. He was like a newborn baby with no head control.

  Danny laid him back on the filthy pillow.

  (do it do it…)

  Danny reached into his pocket.

  His hands were shaking.

  He took the vial and the syringe and pushed the needle through the rubber stopper on the vial.

  He pulled down on the plunger.

  He dropped the vial back in his pocket and tapped the barrel of the syringe with his fingernail.

  He pushed the plunger a little and ejected bubbles.

  It was the only thing that might bring Jimmy back, an antidote, force him to wake up.

  You don’t know that, Danny. You might kill him. Don’t give it to him. Take it for yourself. You’re running low. You’ll pass out without it.

  You could die, Danny.

  Jimmy did it to himself.

  You’re not responsible.

  What did he ever do for you anyway?

  He can’t keep his mouth shut!

  “He saved my life.”

  So what?

  That was years ago.

  Get out of there.

  Save yourself.

  Let him die.

  “No!”

  He pulled up Jimmy’s sleeve, found a vein in the crook of his arm and pushed the needle in.

  Jimmy didn’t flinch.

  And Danny didn’t know how long he might have to wait for Jimmy to come around.

  Maybe forever.

  “No,” Danny said “He’s somebody’s son. He’s somebody’s kid.”

  But the words were already being choked off in his throat.

  “They never lived long enough to know how special you are, Jimmy. They never knew that you made it. They sent us away on the last perfect day from a dying planet with all its memories locked inside of us…”

  Settling on the mattress, his back on the wall, Danny propped up Jimmy until his head rested on his shoulder.

  “You don’t have to die to be free, Jimmy. Please don’t leave me alone.”

  And a tear stung at Danny’s eyes.

  He could feel Jimmy’s shallow breathing.

  He willed for it to be stronger.

  “You didn’t even say goodbye, Jimmy.”

  The cold damp of the wall seeped through the hair at the back of Danny’s head. He closed his eyes and prayed, prayed not to sleep, to not lose control, to be awake if Jimmy came back.

  Reaching up he steadied Jimmy’s head, felt the warmth, felt for any sign that the heat of life was about to fade or grow stronger.

  Then he closed his eyes.

  His last dose of Methylphenidate had left his system.

  There was nothing to stop him now.

  As the last of the phenildate ran out of Danny’s system a buzz started at his feet.

  A ring of painless electricity swept upward ending with a crack inside his head.

  His head snapped forward then back, thumping it onto the wall.

  His arms felt like they were flying all over the place.

  Acceleration screamed inside him as he flew upward through every floor, every ceiling, then the roof and high into the starlit sky.

  Suddenly it went into reverse.

  He was pulled down.

  Then it stopped.

  He opened his eyes and looked upon red walls, a staircase leading down, a black handrail…

  Just like Jimmy said last night.

  Danny stepped down into darkness.

  Might as well be blind.

  Danny reached out and flexed his fingers.

  Can’t feel a thing. Where am I?

  The place had a dank feeling to it, skeazy like a wash closet that hadn’t been cleaned in years.

  Danny didn’t want to look around. Didn’t want to know what might be behind him.

  Water dripped in the distance.

  Fear curved his spine.

  His shoulders bent forward.

  This was a place he had never been before.

  It wasn’t like all the other places they had dreamt about. Those places were always open and clean, with crystal clear air, open and endless vistas.

  This place was the opposite - dense and uninviting.

  Jimmy?

  There was a sudden vacuum that pulled the air out of Danny’s lungs.

  He slumped to his knees trying to draw in breath.

  On his hands and knees his breath suddenly came back.

  He dragged air in, wheezing.

  He stumbled up onto his feet.

  “Where is he?”

  Danny spun around at the sound of the voice.

  Still nothing but black.

  “Can anyone see him?”

  “He has to be here.”

  “I can’t see him.”

  “There, over there. Maybe, I don’t know.”

  Three voices, three invisible entities, knowing Danny was here but not seeing him.

  “Let’s try something, see if we can force him out into the open.”

  There was the whine of an electric motor, then the squeaking of a pulley wheel getting closer.

  And then Danny saw it. Arms and legs and kicking, fingers grabbing at a rope around its neck, the eyes bulging, spittle hanging from the side of its mouth.

  “Jimmy!” Danny called out.

  “Yeah, that’s done it. Welcome to Montauk freaks.”

  Danny rushed towards Jimmy hanging from the noose.

  Before he could get near Jimmy a face shot in front of him.

  Danny jumped back when he saw its actinic burned skin, its yellowed eyes like slits, its leering grin and shaven head.

  Its mouth opened wide showing spikes for teeth.

  Its tongue slithered out and stretched to a point.

  “No hiding place now.”

  Jimmy kicked his legs.

  Danny tried to rush around the side of the thing to get to Jimmy.

  But the thing with the teeth was even faster and in the way again.

  Its snout flared. Its eyes half closed.

  It rolled its tongue around its lips as it looking up at Jimmy hanging by the neck.

  It looked back at Danny.

  “Where is he? Why can’t we see him?”

  A light turned on in the distance.

  Danny turned his head to it.

  There was a small window. Figures rushed around behind it in a blur. Danny couldn’t make out their faces. The men wore seemed to be wearing spacesuits. Black visors hid their faces. The strip lights above them started to flicker.

  “Something’s wrong,” one of the spacesuit guys said turning his visor up at the lights.

  The thing with the leer grunted at Danny.

  “Is he still there?”

  A spacesuit jabbed at buttons on a c
onsole behind the window.

  Danny looked at them over his shoulder.

  The thing breathed in his ear.

  Danny jumped away from the stink.

  “Will somebody do something?” a voice called out from behind the window.

  The thing grabbed Jimmy’s legs. It pulled down hard.

  “Jimmy!”

  “Is he there? I think I just heard him. Can anyone see?”

  “Let him go!” Danny yelled at the thing.

  The thing’s mouth turned into a tight O mocking him

  “Magnetron four’s going down.”

  The men in white spacesuits rushed around consoles, jabbing at buttons, twisting dials.

  “Do something.”

  “Like what?”

  “The signal’s breaking down.”

  The thing looked over at the men.

  Danny swiped at it with his clenched fist.

  It sailed through the thing in a wake of purple light.

  The thing screamed.

  Sparks crackled like crushed cellophane behind the window.

  The spacesuit guys ran around behind the window as the room they were in filled with smoke.

  Jimmy dropped to the floor gripping the rope tight around his neck.

  Danny crouched and pulled it free.

  Jimmy blinked up at him.

  “Danny?”

  “Hang on,” Danny said.

  He grabbed hold of Jimmy’s arm.

  Danny looked over his shoulder. Activity behind the window was frantic.

  Then three red lights, each as big as a man, rushed at Danny and Jimmy in the darkness.

  Jimmy saw them

  “Danny?”

  “Hold tight,” Danny said.

  The window cracked.

  One of the spacesuit guys screamed.

  His visor popped. His spacesuit deflated and dropped like an empty bag.

  The thing climbed through the broken window.

  There were gunshots and yells.

  Valves and dynamos went into overdrive, glowing brilliant white.

  The valves shattered one after the other.

  The red lights converged on Danny and Jimmy.

  Jimmy grabbed hold of Danny, closed his eyes and screamed. “Don’t let me go!”

  A jerk brought Jimmy back to the room as he yelled himself back to reality.

  He flopped back onto the mattress and opened his eyes.

  “Danny?” he asked.

  He sat up and looked at Danny.

  “What are you doing here?” he asked.

  “I wanted to sleep,” Jimmy said, “to sleep without dreaming.”

  “Well it didn’t work,” Danny said going over to the window.

  “From dream to nightmare,” Jimmy said. “I feel stupid.”

  Danny lit a cigarette.

  “You weren’t being stupid, Jimmy,” he said. “All intelligent creatures have bad dreams sometimes. Maybe we’re more human than we thought.”

  “I still feel stupid for taking these things,” he said.

  He picked up the little brown bottle.

  So Jimmy didn’t remember a thing.

  And there’s no point in telling him about it either.

  “Just no more pills, Jimmy,” Danny said.

  “What about you?”

  “And no more for me either,” Danny said.

  He looked down at the street below.

  A skinny dog walked by, maybe the same half-starved mutt Jimmy had fed last night.

  It stopped at one of the trashcans, sniffed the air like it was looking for something, then walked on to continue his search elsewhere.

  “There’s no escaping them, is there?” Jimmy said. “And I’m going to end up getting us both killed.”

  Danny looked up over the rooftops at the stars.

  “No you won’t,” Danny said.

  “Yeah I will.”

  “Look, Jimmy, we’re no good to them without us being in the flesh. They don’t even know what we look like.”

  “And we’re still on the run,” Jimmy said.

  “Everyone’s on the run,” Danny said.

  “If I was dead they wouldn’t be able to find you,” Jimmy said.

  Danny closed his eyes, opened them then looked up at the stars again.

  “If you were dead, Jimmy,” Danny said, “then I would be on my own with this thing, wouldn’t I? And I don’t want to be alone.”

  “I feel bad,” Jimmy said. “Why’d you even come here anyway? How’d you know?”

  Time for a little white lie.

  Danny looked over his shoulder.

  “You forgot to give me back my cigarettes last night when you stormed out on me.”

  Jimmy scratched his head, looked doubtful.

  “You must have been desperate for a smoke,” he said.

  He got up from the mattress and joined Danny at the window.

  “Remember how we first met?” Jimmy asked.

  Danny nodded still looking out the window.

  “I do,” he said taking a drag on his cigarette.

  “You were skinny dipping,” Jimmy said.

  “I was in my shorts.”

  “You were skinny. Still are a bit,” Jimmy said.

  “You saved me,” Danny said.

  “I grabbed your arm, that was all.”

  “I could have drowned.”

  “You slipped on a rock.”

  “I bashed my head.”

  “I should have left you after I dragged you out of the river,” Jimmy said. “Then you would have never met me, remembered me, I mean. Forgotten all about me and just woken up alone under the sun on a riverbank.”

  “But you did stick around,” Danny said, “made sure I was going to be okay until I came round.”

  “I just wish I knew what all this was about, why we’re here,” Jimmy said. “I mean, what’s the point of it all?”

  He looked up at the black sky.

  Danny shrugged.

  “Maybe you’re right,” he said. “Maybe we are psychic twins or something. Maybe you were meant to be there when I slipped on a rock and bashed my head. Maybe there’s some kind of invisible cord that pulled us together.”

  “Like Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum?” Jimmy said.

  “Or Dumbo and Jiminy cricket,” Danny said.

  “Nah, Bambi and Thumper.

  “When you wish upon a star,” Danny sang

  Jimmy laughed.

  “I’m always gonna be trouble,” he said. “I don’t want you hurt because of me.”

  His head dropped forward.

  “Come on,” Danny said. “You’re like the brother I never had. I don’t think we could escape from each other even if we wanted to.”

  Jimmy sniffed and dragged the back of his hand under his nose.

  “What do we do now?” he asked.

  “Wait for daylight,” Danny said. “And this time no more shortcuts from reality. No matter how weird and freaky life gets. No more shortcuts to dreamland with Quaaludes, and no more meth for me, okay?”

  “Hey,” Jimmy said pointing out the window. “Look at that star.”

  Danny looked.

  “Haven’t seen one that bright before,” Jimmy said, “have you?”

  And there, high over the rooftops was what Danny had been looking for, a star that no one even knew existed.

  The star shone brighter.

  To Danny it was like watching a mother blowing out a bedside candle for the night and stroking her son’s head.

  Did he even have a mother? Did either Jimmy or he have fathers? He hoped they’d had.

  “Sweet dreams,” he whispered touching the glass.

  The star’s light flickered, then grew brighter changing from orange, to red, then into a fuzzy ball of brilliant white.

  Home, Danny thought. Its light had finally arrived to shine upon the earth. Its ice cliffs were finally gone. Its curtains of magnetic blue and green light swept away in the solar storm of a sun expanded into a
supernova.

  “Hey, what happened to it?” Jimmy asked when the star disappeared.

  Danny closed his eyes then opened then slowly.

  “Listen, Jimmy,” he said.

  “What?” Jimmy asked still looking for the star.

  “I’ve been thinking about what you said.”

  “Uh huh?”

  “When you wish upon a star…”

  “Yeah?” Jimmy said turning to Danny.

  “There’s nothing but stars out in the sky in the desert at night,” Danny said.

  “So I hear,” Jimmy said. “But you know, I’ve been thinking too.”

  “What about?” Danny asked.

  “I’ve been giving it some thought, and if Crestone is too wacko for you, what about Montauk?”

  “Jimmy…”

  “I mean, Montauk’s just up the road, small fishing town, perfect. What do you think?”

  “Well, Jimmy,” Danny said, “I think Crestone would be better.”

  “What’s wrong with Montauk?” Jimmy asked.

  “Everything,” Danny snapped.

  “You said you were going to suffocate up in Colorado,” Jimmy said, “remember? The high mountain air, air so high it’s too thin. An altitude so high it could to be in outer space. Your words, Danny, not mine.”

  “It’s either Crestone,” Danny said, “or it’s nowhere, Jimmy.”

  “Okay, okay.”

  “And how soon could we get going?” Danny asked.

  “Like there’s anything in here I need to take except myself. But I mean, God, Crestone is only about a billion miles from here. What’s wrong with Montauk?”

  “There’s nothing right with it,” Danny said.

  “Like what?”

  Danny closed his eyes and spoke through clenched teeth.

  “Fishing,” he said, “fishing rods, old guys in flat caps and deck chairs, that’s what’s wrong with Montauk. Now it’s Crestone or nothing.”

  “What?”

  “Give me the mountains any day,” Danny said stretching his arms.

  “And how are we going to get there?” Jimmy asked.

  “We hitch, Jimmy, we hike, we eat rabbits and we fish along the way. It’ll be therapeutic. It’ll be nice.”

  “You just said you hate fishing,” Jimmy said.

  “Just pack, will yah!”

  Danny stepped closer to the window as Jimmy threw his things together.

  The skinny mutt came back, stopped, sniffed at the air then looked up at the window.

  Tail wagging the mutt sat down.

  And waited.

  The truck driver dropped them off at a roadside diner.