A Tragic Heart

by S. Elle Cameron

  Peyton is standing on the balcony, admiring the view. I walk up next to him and place my hand on his forearm. He turns to look at me but he doesn’t say anything.

  “What are you thinking about?” I ask, knowing that something is on his mind.

  “Nothing really…just about how much life has changed in the past year,” he answers, staring at the town spread out before us.

  “Yeah, I was just having the same thoughts. I never thought we’d end up here; but I’m glad we did,” I say.

  “Yeah, you’re right. I just feel horrible that I haven’t spoken to Mason in four months. We’ve never gone this long without speaking. I want to call him, but he’s changed his number. I don’t even know where he’s living now.”

  “Maybe someday you two can work it out. I hope it’s soon,” I say.

  “I hope so, too. But we shouldn’t be pondering on this right now—we should be on our way out the door, getting ready to have fun. It’s your birthday. Let’s not spoil it with things we cannot change right now. Let’s bungee jump!” Peyton says excitedly, picking me up and carrying me from the balcony to the front door.

  We laugh the entire way down to the car. Being with Peyton is more than just being with my boyfriend. It’s like being with my boyfriend, best friend, and the father I never had, all put together. I don’t think he even realizes that he can be all of these things to me at once, which is one of the many reasons why I’m in love with him.

  We get into the car and close our doors simultaneously, which makes us look at each other and laugh. It’s little things like that, that cause us to fall in love with each other all over again. Doing things at the same time makes it feel as if we really are in sync; like we are more than just two human beings who have feelings for each other. It is as if our souls are intertwined and we share one heart.

  “Are you scared?” I ask Peyton, staring at him with all the love I have in my heart.

  “About what?” he asks, looking ahead.

  “Bungee jumping. I mean, you haven’t done it before, right?” I ask, not sure if it’s one of few things Peyton has done in his life that I didn’t know about.

  “No, I have never done it. But I’m not scared. We’ll both be doing it together, so I think it’ll be pretty fun,” he says, looking back and forth between me and the road.

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right. But what if one of the cables pops?” I ask, showing my nervousness.

  “You’re nervous? It’s something you put on your bucket list, and now you’re the one rethinking it. You’re just going to have to relax because I’m making sure you go through with this. I’m making sure you do everything on your bucket list before you, well, kick the bucket,” Peyton says, now being my inspiration, another role he plays very well.

  “Okay, Okay. I’m going to do it. No more second-guessing, or thinking, or whatever it is I’m doing. I’m just going to relax,” I say, trying to calm my nerves.

  Peyton just look at me from the corner of his eye and laughs so hard that his gorgeous dimples show. They are just like Mason’s dimples.

  “It’s not funny!” I playfully hit his arm.

  “It kind of is,” he responds.

  ***

  We arrive at our destination, and I get more nervous by the second. As soon as we step out of the car, I grab Peyton’s arm and cling to him like he’s my ultimate protector. Since he is much taller than I am, he just looks down at me and smiles. I know Peyton is teasing me in his head and thinks this scenario is hilarious. I give him a dirty look. He just kisses my forehead. Even when I try to be mean to him, he finds a way to be the sweetest person in the world. The truth is, the average person might be a little intimidated by Peyton. He’s six foot two, pretty muscular, and he hardly ever smiles around strangers. He’s always brooding and has the whole “I’m wild and a bad influence” look that any teenager’s parents would disapprove of. It makes him mysterious and it keeps everyone wondering. I feel lucky to be one of few people who actually get a chance to know Peyton. I’m proud to say that know him better than anyone else does—even Mason. In reality, Peyton isn’t intimidating at all. He’s very calm, generous, smart, and talented in so many different ways. He’s tough, but gentle with me. He’s everything I thought only existed in storybooks. I’m glad he’s here to prove me wrong.

  I begin to tremble as the man begins strapping the cables onto my body and adjusting my protective gear. I can’t believe I’m really going to go through with this. Peyton is as calm as ever. He just waits for me to get myself together. I’m a nervous wreck and begin having second thoughts. Peyton notices and just gives me a “don’t back out on me now” look.

  “You okay?” Peyton asks.

  “Y-yeah, I’ll be fine…I hope,” I answer.

  “You know you don’t really have to do this if you’re that nervous,” he says. “I can do this alone, if you want.”

  “N-no! I can do this, Peyton!” I say, suddenly getting a surge of courage.

  “Well, you’re ready to go!” the man says after checking our gear.

  Peyton counts to three and we jump simultaneously. Suddenly, all my fear vanishes into thin air. I feel free. It’s one of the best feelings I have ever had. My body crashing into the air at full speed is the best collision I can imagine. I get so caught up in the moment that I don’t mind if I hit the ground going over one hundred miles per hour. There’s so much adrenaline speeding throughout my body that I wouldn’t even feel it.

  The moment is over too soon. Before I know it, my feet are earthbound, and a staffer releases my cables. Peyton immediately walks over to me to see if I am okay.

  “How was it?” he asks.

  “It…it was GREAT! Oh my God, Peyton! We have to do that again someday!” I am so excited I am shouting at him.

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa—calm down! Is this the same girl who was so afraid she was shaking?” Peyton asks, confused and laughing.

  “No! She’s gone, but Peyton that was better than sex!” I say, still a little too loud.

  I stop and look around at everyone staring at me because of my last statement. I forgot I was around people just that quickly.

  “She’s joking!” Peyton states loudly, so people will stop looking at me strangely. “Let’s get you out of here before you make a scene.”

  Peyton and I are laughing on our way back to the car. I hold onto him lightly and live in the moment. I never want this day to end. Peyton has me brainwashed, and I love every bit of it. He’s the poison that I must keep consuming in order to feel whole. He gives me strength, love, faith, hope, and courage. He gives me everything that I lack, and I couldn’t love him any more for it.

  “What do you mean it was better than sex?” Peyton finally asks, looking at me as if I’d better answer correctly.

  “Uh…not with you…um, uh, with Mason,” I say, covering my statement up.

  “Uh-huh. And that is just too much information,” Peyton says, becoming grossed out at the thought of Mason and me together.

  “Sorry—but you asked,” I say, stopping him and kissing him in the middle of the parking lot.

  “I thought you weren’t a fan of PDA?” he points out with a slight smirk on his perfect face.

  “I’m not, but I can’t resist you. You always make me do things that I’m usually against,” I say before kissing him again.

  About two seconds later, a car horn beeps behind us, causing us both to quickly pull away from each other.

  “Sorry!” Peyton yells at the driver, smiling.

  “Perfect example of why I am not a fan of PDA,” I say, laughing.

  We get into the car and head over to play laser tag. I’m really beginning to feel like a kid again; more so than when I was actually a kid. Peyton really knows how to transform me and he doesn’t even have to try. I just sit back in the passenger seat and start feeling emotional just thinking about how much Peyton really means to me. What if I had to live without him? At that moment, I decide that I wouldn’t. I couldn’t live
without my Peyton. He means the world and all the heavens to me; I couldn’t live without him. I begin staring at him as he drives, watching him move. He never once looks over at me to notice me staring, but that’s okay. I just want to admire him for a while without him knowing. “I love you,” I blurt.

  He chuckles a little, revealing his dimples and beautiful smile. “Thanks. I love you too. Where did this come from?” he asks, obviously flattered.

  “I don’t know. I was just thinking about how much you mean to me and I realized that it would be impossible for me to live without you. I love you, Peyton. I really do,” I say with a light heart.

  “Hey, don’t say that you can’t live without me. It may not be what you want and it may be hard for a long time, but you’d make it through. You’d find someone else. Eventually, you’d love again,” he says, not wanting me to give up anything because of him.

  “How can you say that? Peyton, I know for a fact that I wouldn’t make it through if you left me in some way. I wouldn’t even want to try.” I’m being honest. I can’t imagine a life in which Peyton didn’t exist.

  “What did I tell you before, Taylor? I told you that if anything ever happens to me, I want you to go on and continue living. You have so much talent to share with the world that I wouldn’t want you to cut your life short because of me. I’d be angry with you if you didn’t try,” he says, getting worked up by my last comment.

  “Would you try to live without me if something happened to me?” I ask, wondering if he would follow his own rule.

  He’s silent for a while before answering me. “I don’t know…I honestly can’t imagine me without you. It’s just too hard,” he admits.

  “That’s exactly how I feel. But, Peyton, if something ever happens to me, you have to promise that you will live without me. I don’t want you to try; I want you to do it. You have so much more talent than I do and you’re clearly the greater gift from God, so if anyone deserves to go on, it’s you. Your music is going to change everything one day. I know because what you have is bigger than music,” I say, hoping my message comes across clearly to Peyton.

  “You know, you don’t give yourself enough credit. You’re always thinking that someone else has much more to offer than you do, but that’s not true. I wish I had the talents that you have. You can change the world with one sentence. That alone is ten times more powerful than music. I know that because what you have is bigger than writing—you have raw emotion.”

  Peyton always knows how to make me feel special. He has the ability to turn my self-esteem up ten notches.

  “And let’s stop talking about this. Neither one of us is going anywhere anytime soon. We have our entire lives to live before that time comes,” Peyton continues, touching my hand.

  I love him more than I have ever loved in my entire existence. He told me to try, but I know for a fact that I couldn’t be without Peyton. If he goes, I go.

  Thirty minutes later, we arrive at the laser tag venue. This time, I’m not nervous. I walk in with Peyton, hand and hand, letting all the teenage girls and grown women there know that he is all mine. That isn’t my intention at first, but noticing all the stares he’s receiving, I start milking it for what it’s worth. I hate being that type of girl, but Peyton has that kind of control over me.

  “I still can’t believe you’ve never played laser tag before,” Peyton says as we put on body gear.

  “Yeah, well get over it. After today I can officially say that I’ve been laser tagging before,” I say, picking up my gun.

  “Well, would you like for me to go easy on you since it’s your first time and it’s your birthday?” he asks, underestimating my skills.

  “No, baby. You know I like it hard,” I say in a sexy voice, biting my bottom lip.

  “Hmmm…I’m starting to get the impression that you’re no longer talking about laser tag,” Peyton says, giving me a seductive look.

  I hit him in the stomach softly with my gun and tell him to hurry up so we can play. We enter a dark, indoor room and immediately separate. My protective gear begins to light up, which means that I’ve been hit. Peyton isn’t playing fairly. I don’t mind it though; it just means that it’s time for me to become ruthless. I hide behind a barrier. If Peyton wants to play dirty, then he’s going to get dirty. I quietly step out from behind the wall and spot him with his back turned. I point my laser straight at him and shoot twice. I’m not going to let this become a tie. He turns around, but before he makes a complete turn, I hit him again and duck out of sight. I’m pretty good at this game.

  “Hey, that’s not fair!” Peyton yells, whining like a baby.

  “Would you like your pacifier now, or should I wait for later, after I beat you?” I say maliciously from behind the wall.

  He doesn’t respond, which makes me even more alert. I hear his footsteps coming closer. He must be following my voice, but I’m not going to let him get to me. I carefully observe my surroundings and slowly start to move out; he catches me and we both shoot at each other at the same time. I move, causing him to miss; he’s not so swift.

  That’s basically how the entire session goes. Peyton gets in a few more hits, but I end up winning all three games. Even I am impressed with myself.

  “You know, I went easy on you since it is your birthday. It was only right,” Peyton says as we return our gear at the front desk.

  “Uh-huh, if that’s what makes you feel better about losing,” I say, smiling. I hand my gun back to the worker.

  “How’d you get so good with a gun, anyway?” Peyton asks curiously.

  “I really don’t know. I have always had this secret love for guns and I plan to join the NRA when I’m a little older. I guess it’s just something I’m naturally good at. Jackson and Matt used to take me out target shooting. I loved it, it gave me a rush,” I say to Peyton as we walk out of the laser tag venue.

  “Mason is a fool for cheating on you! I’m too afraid to even look at you the wrong way now,” Peyton says facetiously. “You should apply for a gun license, and we can go to shooting ranges, if you’d like.”

  “That would be cool,” I respond, walking toward the passenger side of the car.

  Peyton opens the door for me and waits until I get in before speaking again.

  “Of course, I’d only be helping you get better at aiming for me whenever I do something to piss you off,” he continues.

  “Well then, don’t piss me off,” I say with a slight smirk on my face.

  Peyton closes the door, walks over to the driver’s side of the car, and gets in. I watch his every move as if my life depends on it. I am obsessed with him, but it’s okay because I know he’s just as obsessed with me. It feels great not to be in this feeling alone. My heart doesn’t feel so tragic anymore.

  “So next we’re going to race go-karts. I’m sure I’m better at that than you are,” Peyton says.

  “We’ll see about that,” I respond, looking at him from the corner of my eyes.

  ***

  “Wait—Peyton, what if I crash?” I yell over to Peyton, who’s in the car next to me.

  “You know how to drive, right?” Peyton yells back.

  “Yeah!”

  “Then you shouldn’t crash!” he says.

  Before I know it, we’re off and racing. I’m going so fast I almost get the same feeling I had when I went bungee jumping. I pass Peyton a number of times, but he isn’t going to let me have this victory. He keeps speeding up and leaving me far behind. I continue to speed up, getting used to the feeling of being free. Why can’t I feel like this all the time? I guess if I did, it wouldn’t be called life. We all feel bound at some point in our lives; some feel it all the time. But at this moment, I feel lifted and unbound and I love it. Just then, I get so lost in my thoughts that I crash into a wall…hard. My body jerks forward, but I’m okay. Peyton stops his car and jumps out in one, fluid movement.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Y-yeah, I…uh…just crashed.” I manage to get out.<
br />
  “Well, I see that,” Peyton says.

  “I’m okay though…seriously.” I don’t want him to worry.

  “Are you okay?” asks one of the men who works there as he runs over to me.

  “Yeah, she’s fine!” Peyton answers for me.

  “How did you manage to do that? I haven’t seen anything like that since I’ve been here,” the man asks, still in shock.

  “Well I’m glad to be the one who stands out,” I say in a thanks-for-pointing-that-out voice.

  ***

  Peyton laughs for the whole ride to the paintballing venue. He isn’t going to let me live this one down. I was great with guns and horrible at racing.

  “I really don’t understand how that happened! It was one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed!” Peyton says.

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get it out now,” I say.

  “Oh, come on! You know that was hilarious! And the thing about it is, you’re good at driving cars but you can’t drive a go-kart correctly. Did you see that guy’s face? He says he’s never seen anything like that before. And honestly, neither have I!” Peyton can’t let it go; he thinks it was the funniest thing ever.

  I let him have his moment, remaining silent. I have to admit that it was pretty funny, and it was safe to say that Peyton won that round. I liked racing go-karts; it taught me how easily life can crash back into reality. I felt free for a few minutes and then I collided with the nonfiction.

  Paintballing turns out to be great fun. The pressure of the paint ball hitting my body is a little painful but easily manageable. There’s something about running and getting hit that forces me to wake up and play harder. I love becoming a kid for a day; it’s teaching me more lessons than my adult life does. It just felt great to learn them being in an immature state. By the time we finish, Peyton and I are complete messes.

  “Where do you want to eat? I’m hungry now,” I say to Peyton walking out of the shower of our home.

  “I don’t know, it’s your birthday,” he says, drying his crimson hair. He’s wearing only a towel. His body is the greatest thing after God.

  “I hate when people say that; like I’m supposed to know!” I respond.