Niki Slobodian 04 - The Devil Was an Angel

by J. L. Murray

“Why are you helping me?” I yelled. I didn't know why I was so upset. I just was. Everything was becoming too much. And the pressure, the pain in my chest was getting worse.

  “Because you need help,” he said.

  I shook my head. “None of it is going to matter. Nothing I can possibly do will matter.”

  “That's not true,” said Lucifer. He took a step toward me, but I took another step back.

  “Why is it always angels?” I said, my voice high. “Why Sam? Why you?”

  “Why what?” he said frowning.

  “I didn't want any of this,” I said. “I didn't ask Sam to love me. I didn't want this life. I didn't want to fight, to watch everyone around me die. I just wanted...”

  “What?” said Lucifer softly. “What is it that you want, Niki?”

  “I just wanted a life,” I whispered. “A human life. A normal life.”

  “You don't get to choose,” he said, an edge of bitterness in his voice. “None of us gets to choose. You were born with the soul of God inside you. Your father was one of the most powerful angels in the universe. You don't get to choose to be human, Niki. You never were human. You will never be what you consider normal.”

  “Why not me?” I said, my voice thick. “Why can't I have friends and family and movie night? Why does it have to be this way?”

  “Because you are extraordinary.” Lucifer closed the gap and grasped my arms. “You were born beyond human, beyond normal. You have to accept the fact that you cannot be mundane. You have gifts that ordinary people have never dared dream about. And you don't get the family and the children and the job. You get to save the world. You get to walk among the humans and give them peace. You get to see the world as it really is. You're not one of them, Niki. And you never will be. You're so much more.”

  I couldn't catch my breath. Lucifer's hands were like fire on my arm. “I just want to feel something,” I said. “One real thing. All I can feel is emptiness inside me.” I shook my head, the tears starting to overflow. “There's nothing there anymore. All I feel is pain and emptiness. And the dead never stop. They are always pulling me. And now Bobby's probably gone crazy. He'll be gone when I see him. He won't be himself. Or he'll be dead. And he was the only one left. My last hope at staying who I am. My last chance to feel just one goddamn thing.”

  “You're not human, Niki,” Lucifer said. His eyes were so close it felt like they were burning into me. “You're one of us now.”

  “Why do you care?” I said, narrowing my eyes. I pulled my arms from his grasp. “Why are you really helping me? Because you hated Sam for some reason? Is this to get back at him?”

  “No,” said Lucifer, through gritted teeth. “That's not why.”

  “Then why?” I screamed.

  Lucifer's eyes were dancing and I thought he was going to go crazy again. “Because I'm not him,” he said. He reached down and pulled me close and his mouth was on mine. His lips were so hot that I could feel them burning me, but I didn't pull away. It was the first thing that wasn't pain that I had felt in what seemed like an eternity. I kissed him back all the harder, pressing my body against his, putting my hands around his neck and pulling him as hard against my mouth as I could. And then someone screamed.

  It was so loud that I had to put my hands over my ears. I looked around frantically for the source of the scream. Lucifer was staring at me. Then I realized it was coming from my head. I took my hands from my ears and took a step away from Lucifer. There was a sudden and deafening silence. I looked up at him.

  “What's wrong?” said Lucifer.

  I swallowed, wondering if I should keep it to myself. But there had been far too many lies lately. “It's Sam,” I said. “He was screaming.”

  Lucifer was speechless for a moment. He swallowed. “You heard him? Can you always hear him?”

  I closed my eyes. “No. Only sometimes.” I frowned. “The only other time was when I was in Erebos. He wanted me to leave.”

  Lucifer looked at me for a long time. He was breathing deeply, as though to steady himself. “Has it occurred to you—”

  “That Sam's trying to keep me away from you?” I interrupted. “Of course it has. I'm not an idiot. But the man gave me his soul. I owe him. He's staying because he loved me.”

  “You keep saying that,” said Lucifer.

  “What else do you want me to say?” I said weakly.

  “You keep saying he loved you,” he said, his voice quiet and tense. “But you never say it the other way round.”

  “What are you talking about?” I said. But I knew. I looked away, toward the meadow. Lucifer touched my face, his hand warm on my skin. But it was more than the warmth that I felt. It was as if there was electricity when he touched me. Not in a painful way, but my insides leaped when he touched me. I closed my eyes for a moment. I didn't want to feel that way about him. I opened them to find him staring at me.

  “It's not your fault, Niki,” he said.

  “He died for me,” I said. “How is that not my fault?”

  “Are those your words or his?” said Lucifer.

  I frowned and took a step back, the connection broken. I shivered as we parted, feeling cold all over. “There's something you should know,” I said, wrapping my arms around myself. Why couldn't I be warm all the time like Lucifer? Like Sam had been? Instead I found that I was cold all the time. I heard thunder in the distance. “I don't think Sam's staying because he loved me.”

  Lucifer frowned. I wanted to go to him. To kiss him again. To never stop. But instead I looked away.

  “He wants me to bring him back,” I said. I felt hollow again. The passion from only a minute before ebbing away. As I spoke the words aloud, I was admitting them to myself, too. Sam wasn't here for me. At least not in the way he wanted me to think he was.

  “Niki, that can never happen,” said Lucifer. “It doesn't work. Once in a thousand years it's worked. If he comes back –“

  “I know!” I snapped. I turned to look at him. I drew a shaky breath. “I know,” I said again, this time softly. “He saved my life,” I said. “It's because of him that I'm walking around, and I've got his soul to prove it.”

  “I know this is hard,” he said gently, “but he may be manipulating your guilt. It's not Samael in there, Niki. It's only a very small part of him. The best parts, the real parts of him were unmade by the Creator. And I have to wonder if He had a good reason for doing so.”

  I shook my head. “Is this what the Creator considers righting the balance?”

  I felt him touch me before I even saw him move. He was putting his arms around me and I let him. Every time he touched me I felt the hollowness ease. I let myself lean against him. I closed my eyes. He was insane. I knew he was. At least part of him was. But to be honest, so was I. So was everyone I knew in some way. And with Lucifer, despite his crazy spells, despite common sense that told me this in itself was madness...I had never felt so safe. It was a stupid cliche, but it was true. And he was the goddamn devil, but I didn't care.

  “Maybe,” Lucifer said, his voice rumbling in his chest against my ear, “you were the Creator's way of righting the balance. Maybe He always meant for you to be the one to set things right.”

  It started to rain again.

  THIRTEEN

  We drove the rest of the way to Birch Springs in silence. It was night by the time we got there. I could feel Lucifer looking at me, but I avoided his eyes.

  “Is it wrong?” I said, looking straight ahead through the windshield. I turned off the engine. The parking lot was dotted with vehicles. Probably employees. The rain impaired the view in minutes.

  “What?” he said.

  I breathed out through my nose. “I don't know. Everything. Sam's in my head, and now you're here making it harder. It's very confusing. I just can't think straight anymore.” I glanced at him. “No offense.”

  “None taken,” he said.

  “I just need time.”

  “I have time,” he said.

  “I
know,” I said. “Me too.”

  We got out of the car and started across the parking lot. “Well, no turning back now,” I said.

  “Indeed,” said Lucifer. But I had the feeling he wasn't talking about Bobby.

  Birch Springs just looked like a regular hospital, the brick structure rising up into the night sky not unlike the wall that separated Erebos from the Outsiders. There was no razor wire fence or guards. Come to that, there was no gate. And when we walked in, the doors opened easily. No one had to buzz us in or check our identification. As we stood in the glaring fluorescent light, a nursing station ahead of us, Lucifer and I looked at each other.

  “That was easier than I thought,” I said.

  “Disappointed?” he said.

  “A little,” I said.

  We approached the counter. The woman sitting behind it was hunched over some paperwork. Her dyed-red hair was fastened into a bun on the back of her head that jiggled with every stroke of her pen. She wore dark pink scrubs, though they looked pristinely clean and possibly ironed. She seemed to sense us standing there and looked up after a moment. Her face split into an enormously wide smile, her lips painted a garish shade of something between orange and brown. She wore reading glasses that sparkled on the corners with what was supposed to look like jewels. These she slid off and let dangle around her neck from a silver chain.

  “Hello there,” she said, her voice high and cheerful. “Can I help you with something? I'm afraid visiting hours are over.” The smile stayed stuck in place.

  “I'm looking for my...associate,” I said. “He's gone missing, but I understand he was brought here.”

  “Lots of people are brought here,” she said, still smiling. “We have more beds than the Hilton. But I don't have time to stop what I'm doing every time a small pretty thing in a leather jacket is looking for her boyfriend, now, do I?”

  “Excuse me?” I said.

  “Come back during visiting hours, dear,” she said, a steely edge to her voice.

  “Do it,” Lucifer murmured in my ear.

  “Do what?” I said.

  “Make her tell you,” he said.

  I looked at the woman. She was still smiling, but there was nothing but anger in her eyes. “I'm looking for Robert Gage,” I said.

  “And I'm looking for the Tooth Fairy,” she said. “Let me know if you find her when you come back tomorrow.”

  “You have to believe she's going to do as you say,” Lucifer whispered.

  “It doesn't seem right,” I said out of the corner of my mouth to Lucifer. “They're people.”

  “Do you want to find your friend?”

  I leveled my gaze at the nurse. I remembered I was wearing sunglasses and took them off. Her eyes widened a bit. Though I hadn't seen her blink an eye when she glanced at Lucifer when he came in. In fact, no one seemed to notice him much. It was as if they knew he was there, but didn't pay much attention to him. I pushed the thought from my head and concentrated on Nurse Ratched.

  “What's your name?” I said.

  The smile had faded. “Nancy,” she said.

  “Nancy, I'm looking for my friend. A great big guy named Bobby Gage. Have you seen him?”

  “Yes,” she said.

  “Is he here?”

  “Not any more.”

  I looked at Lucifer, who nodded back to Nancy.

  “What do you mean by that, Nancy?” I said.

  “We let him go about an hour ago. I didn't realize who he was.”

  I frowned. “And who was he?”

  She smiled a little, though it was muted. “He was an agent. He said he'd been working undercover. Those silly policemen didn't even know.”

  I sighed and reached into my pocket. “Nancy, did he show you his badge?”

  “Of course,” she said. “Otherwise I wouldn't have believed him.”

  “Did it look like this?” I pushed my old badge Sam had given me across the counter. Her eyes lit up.

  “You work together?” she said. “Are you undercover, too?”

  I clenched my teeth. “Where is he now, Nancy?”

  “Well, I have no idea,” she said.

  “Who brought him in? A doctor?”

  “No,” she said. “The police brought him. But they had an order from a doctor.”

  “Doctor Kane?”

  “Yes,” she said, smiling in recognition. “I don't know him, though. A man came with the police. It was he that had the paperwork for Mr. Gage. I didn't care for him, though.”

  “Why not?” I said.

  “I don't like men who wear hats indoors,” she said, shaking her head. “No manners.”

  “Was it a fedora?” I said, my stomach filling with ice.

  “Yes,” she said.

  “Is he still here?”

  “Oh, goodness, no,” she said. “I made him leave. Like I said, I didn't care for him.”

  “That's just peachy, Nancy,” I said, the words coming out bitter. “Thanks for your help.” I had no idea where Bobby was now. This was a wild goose chase.

  “Oh, dear, please don't be angry,” Nancy said, visibly upset. I frowned at Lucifer.

  “You have to let her go,” said Lucifer.

  “I really couldn't live with myself if you were upset with me,” said Nancy. And before I could react, she reached out and took hold of my hand. The familiar flash of images filled my head. Nancy as a thin, young, fresh-faced student, Nancy looking into a handsome man's eyes, Nancy dejected and alone and sitting alone in a shabby little apartment, a cat in her lap, Nancy slapping a young girl lying in a hospital bed, the girl crying, her arms in leather restraints. Something odd was happening. The images weren't stopping. I saw Nancy with gray in her hair, an older Nancy than the one that stood in front of me, standing at a gravestone, wiping her eyes. And finally, Nancy in a crushed station wagon, her face covered in blood, the life slowly flickering out of her irises, Nancy's spirit looking over Nancy's body, and someone approaching. I knew that someone was me. But the vision changed. I felt a sort of dark pull. Something easing me closer, urging me to go deeper. I pulled my hand away and stepped back, shaken.

  “You've been a big help, Nancy,” I said, my voice small. “You can go.”

  The woman blinked and frowned, as if she'd been daydreaming. She looked at me for a moment, but then looked down and started scribbling on her paperwork again. I just stared at her.

  “Niki?” said Lucifer. “What happened?”

  I looked at him, surprised. I'd forgotten he was there for a moment. “I...don't know,” I said.

  “What was that?”

  “I try not to touch people,” I said, feeling lightheaded. “Not on their skin, anyway. Not the living.”

  “Why?” he said, interested.

  “I see things,” I said. “Ever since Sam brought me back. He said it was a side effect. I see their memories. I saw Sofi's once. Bobby's too.”

  “So you saw Nancy's memories?”

  “No,” I said. “It wasn't like that. It was like I was watching her life. Not through her eyes, but through my own. How is that possible?”

  “I told you,” said Lucifer. “You have powers you haven't even touched yet.”

  “No,” I said. “I don't want this power.” I was shaking my head. I couldn't stop. My voice was rising. “I don't want it.”

  “Niki, calm down,” said Lucifer.

  “When I met him, he said he couldn't do it. I asked him if he could see. If he knew when it would happen, but he said no one had such a horrible power.”

  “Slow down, Niki,” said Lucifer. “Who?”

  “Sam,” I said. I focused on Lucifer.

  “What did you see?” he said.

  “Death,” I said.

  “What do you mean?” he said.

  I felt dizzy. “When I touch people, I can see their lives. The big moments. But...” I swallowed down the panic that was rising. “Now I can see death, too.”

  “Oh,” he said softly.

  “Why wo
uld I have such a horrible ability?” I said, my voice hardly a whisper. “I don't want this, Lucifer. I don't want to know. Sam didn't even have to know. Why is this happening?”

  “Niki...”

  “Everything is death now,” I said. “I can feel them all around me, crushing my chest from the inside. I see them, I hear them, I have to help them. And now I have to know. I have to know when everything I touch is going to turn to dust. There's only me. I'm the only one left. Bobby's alive, but for how long? One day I'll touch him too, and I'll know when he's going to die. I can't know. How do I make it stop?”

  Lucifer caught me by my elbows as I staggered, but I jumped back.

  “Don't touch me,” I said, my voice not my own any more. “I don't want to know.”

  Lucifer held up his hand. “Go ahead,” he said. “Touch me.”

  I shook my head. “No,” I said. “I can't.”

  “Do it,” he said.

  “I don't want to know!” I said.

  Lucifer's other hand shot out and grabbed my wrist and forced my hand into his. I cried out and tried to pull away. He squeezed gently. I took a breath. His skin was so warm. And I didn't see anything. No visions, no death, only him. I looked up into his face.

  “I will not die,” he said.

  “How do you know?” I said.

  “I just know,” he said. “I will never turn to dust, Niki. You can rely on that. And I will always come when you need me. Not just when it's convenient. Do you understand that? If you call, I will be by your side. No matter what.”

  I felt my heart slow. I didn't know why the thought of Lucifer being the constant calmed me, but it did.

  “This isn't me,” I said. “I don't even recognize myself. I'm not weak. I'm not this person.”

  “It will get easier,” he said.

  “I don't believe you,” I said.

  “Are you all right?”

  I let go of his hand, suddenly realizing I was still holding it. I took a step back. “I'm fine,” I said. “Let's find Bobby's room. In case he left something behind.”

  “Lead the way,” he said.

  The halls were deserted except for a few nurses. Lucifer quickly learned the number of Bobby's room, and we found it after getting turned around in the labyrinthine halls a half dozen times. We finally entered the small, sparse room to find someone in it. The bed closest to the door contained a young guy in his twenties who could have passed for a college student with his shaggy hair and patchy beginning of facial hair. He was skinny and his eyes took up half his face when they widened at the sight of us.