Delete This at Your Peril
Page 5
----------------------------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Alexandra
Subject: Chill out
Alexandra,
I apologise, let me give you a little more info. I’m Bob Servant and I am a semi-retired window cleaner from Broughty Ferry. I gave up my round when gypsies nicked my ladders, and I suppose that looking back that was my greatest mistake. But, as you are no doubt aware, I had already done very, very well from the cheeseburger game. I have attached a photo of myself from a recent fishing trip.9 What do you think? About me, not the fish!!
Bobby Boy xx
----------------------------------
From: Alexandra
To: Bob Servant
Subject: A question
The fish is simply magnificent!:) and it is possible an immodest question? How old are you?
----------------------------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Alexandra
Subject: IT WAS A GREAT FISH AND VERY TASTY TOO!
Alexandra,
Thank you for your kind words. That is one of the largest fish I have ever caught. It nearly ripped my bloody arms out. Do you fish much? I used to nip up to the Monikie reservoir with Frank Theplank. We had some good days. He brought the sandwiches and I brought the beers. But you know what Frank’s like, not the brightest, and one time we got there and I whipped out the beers then he whipped out his Tesco bag and inside were his nephew’s football boots. I was fucking raging and we never went again. I am 62 years old, but I am as fit as a fiddle.
Bob
----------------------------------
From: Alexandra
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Age
It is very a pity, Rob, but it seems that we are not created for one another… To me 23 years, you – 62 years. What prospects of our relations? Let’s look at things really. What can you offer me? Your humour?
----------------------------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Alexandra
Subject: It’s your call monkey face but I do like you!
Alexandra,
One thing before we continue. I see you chose to call me Rob there. I can only hope that this was a one-off as that is one thing that I simply cannot allow. I remember Tommy Peanuts telling me that Bob Wilson beat a jockey half to death live on Grandstand in the early 1980s after the jockey called him Rob10 and I have to admit that it makes me just as mad. It’s Bob or nothing Alexandra, and that’s that. You are a frank woman and that is one of the things that I love about you, along with your looks and your admirable interest in big cats. I am looking for a woman, no doubt about it. My success has left me a man of leisure here in Broughty Ferry. I buy supermarket Finest meals, drink premium pints, and often go for the one-man banquet from the Peking Garden even though I will never, ever, finish it.
I have a hell of a lot of cash at my disposal Alexandra. But don’t tell the taxman! I have a wonderful house, though it could certainly do with a woman’s touch. And I have a fantastic voice, very smoky but also surprisingly gentle. It’s your call Alexandra. What I will say is that I think you are beautiful and I am excited about our relationship. I also want children. And believe me – there is lead in this bloody pencil.
Bob x
----------------------------------
From: Alexandra
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Hello!
Dear Bob, never Rob!
It was very pleasant to receive from you these answers! You very interesting!
At leisure I like to look cinema. I like film “Forrest Gump “where a leading role has played Tom Hanks. It is very good film, where many various philosophical ideas and ideas. I also very much like to dance. I could learn to dance you!
If you want to write to me the letter, my full post address: Vladivostok, Russian Federation. I think that a meeting is necessary for us! We already can name each other good friends. I am right? I like your sense of humour. I tell my good friends about you,
Alex
----------------------------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Alexandra
Subject: LOOSE LIPS COST LIVES
Hello love. It is nice to hear from you but there is something very important I should tell you. Please, Alex, you cannot tell anyone about me. I work for a man called Don Cabbage. He’s a bit like Don Corleone, except he’s from Broughty Ferry. And his name genuinely is Don. But he’s still a gangster. Some of the stuff we get up to is pretty dodgy – selling photocopied disabled parking tickets, homemade jazz mags, and Viagra ice cream (though we’ve not made any of that yet).
Bob
----------------------------------
From: Alexandra
To: Bob Servant
Subject: A secret?
Bob, OK, I understand, that you have secrets in work. I promise to nobody speak about you. But, why it is a secret? You like me more and more. Can we meet New Year together? We shall make a mad act? I can arrive to you. If the idea has liked – answer quickly and we shall discuss details. Your little monkey Alex :)
----------------------------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Alexandra
Subject: New Year
Alex,
Merry Christmas!11 You would like to come here, to Broughty Ferry, for New Year? My God, that would be fantastic. I’m not sure what my plans are. Stewpot’s Bar is throwing in a finger buffet and a magician and Chappy Williams is having a fancy dress party so we’re well covered. I’ll have to tidy the house up. Alex, what is your stance on jazz mags? I have probably about 2,000 of the fuckers but I would be willing to bin them if you’re going to get on your high horse about the whole thing,
Bob x
----------------------------------
From: Alexandra
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Yes, I do!
I want to meet New Year together with you. I have the passport and good friends in a travel company, which can issue the visa. I understand that you are on illegal position and can take cares that your name will not be mentioned.
I can take holiday for 2 months but there is a banal problem. Money. I did not plan trip now. That is I openly speak, that I have no financial opportunity. If you have an opportunity to help me with money then our meeting will be a reality and we can meet New Year together!
Your Alex
----------------------------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Alexandra
Subject: OPPORTUNITY AT STEWPOT’S
Alex,
I love the Christmas period, it really shakes things up. I must say, I am delighted by you wanting to come over here for New Year. I think it is a daring decision and I admire that about you Alex. You are a strong, exciting woman who knows when to stand up for herself. You are a fighter Alex, like Rocky Balboa or Martin Luther King. You believe in freedom (your own). I’ll tell you what, this old world is a hell of a lot better for having you around.
Alex, I’ve been thinking of what we will do when you come to live here. I am a man of means, there is absolutely no doubt about that, but I worry you’ll be bored with nothing to do other than hang about with old Bob. I was thinking that perhaps you could take a part-time job? Stewpot’s Bar has a note up for a lunch waitress. It would only be 12pm-3pm Monday-Saturday with Wednesday off and every other Tuesday being a 2pm finish because of the OAP domino league.
What do you think? I was in there today and mentioned to Terry Darcus the landlord that I had a Russian woman coming over to see me at New Year who might fancy the job but, you know what Terry’s like, he just started laughing and walked off.
I’ve been working on your uniform and I’ve come up trumps. Nothing too revealing, I’m putting my foot down on that. The last thing I need is you flashing your bits at the boys in Stewpot’s. So you can forget that right now or the whole bloody thing’s off as far as I’m concerned. I was thinking a t
-shirt with ‘Bob’s Bird’ written on the front and ‘Stop Looking’ on the back?
Bob
----------------------------------
From: Alexandra
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Job is not problem
My Darling Bob!
I agree to work some time as the waitress. It would be amusing:) It is valid, it will help me to earn money and in training to English, you are right.
You to me are very interesting and want to see you now! But to issue the visa for such short time, additional financial assets will be necessary. It is necessary for me of 1000 euros that the visa was ready this week. I want to pay for air tickets itself. But money for the visa are necessary already tomorrow!
Yours Alex.
----------------------------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Alexandra
Subject: TERRY’S BEING A BASTARD
Alex,
I popped in to see Terry this morning and he said that you have to fill in an application from. I said I’d vouch for you and he said the last person I vouched for was Frank Theplank, who he employed as a kitchen porter but had to sack after a day when Frank kept sending out meals with carrots carved into nobs. So you have to fill in the form. I tried to talk him round but you know what Terry’s like. Send me back the answers as soon as possible and I’ll take them in.
WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME?
AGE?
WHY DO YOU WANT TO WORK IN STEWPOT’S?
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR BEST SKILLS ARE?
DO YOU PROMISE NOT TO CARVE CARROTS INTO NOBS?
ARE YOU HONEST?
All the best,
Bob
----------------------------------
From: Alexandra
To: Bob Servant
Subject: My Answers for Terry
Dear Bob!
I have just received the letter and I answer your questions.
WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME?
My full name: the Name: Alexandra the Surname: Dadashov AGE?
My age: 25 years and 5 months:)
WHY DO YOU WANT TO WORK IN STEWPOT’S?
I want to work during my trip to you to not be to you a burden and consequently, that I like to work, communicate with people. I do not like to idle.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR BEST SKILLS ARE?
I specialize on Russian cuisine more. But I can prepare the Italian and Mexican cuisine also.
DO YOU PROMISE NOT TO CARVE CARROTS INTO NOBS?
:)))) Certainly. But suddenly it clients will want? For me desire of the client – the law:)))
ARE YOU HONEST?
For all time of the life I tried to communicate with people fairly and to deceive nobody. For me the bitter truth is always better than sweet lie. Yes, I am fair with you 100%.
So, I hope, that have answered all your questions. Now answer you and it is maximum fast. When you can send me 1000 euros for the visa?
Alex
----------------------------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Alexandra
Subject: Special Russian Riddle Needed
Alex,
I have some news. I spoke to Terry just there but it was absolutely rammed in Stewpot’s because the Dundee United game was on. I tried to speak to him at half time but I couldn’t get near him because he does free sausage rolls and he got mobbed the minute he came out the kitchen. I was in there with Tommy Peanuts and he said it was like Beatlemania.
Things calmed down a bit in the second half though so I managed to have a quick word with him. I told him that you were very interested in the job and with living with me in Broughty Ferry and him and Tommy started laughing, I’m not sure what about. I gave him your application form and he said it looked promising and that he’d look forward to seeing you.
On the way home I bumped into Chappy Williams coming out the bookies. I said that we wanted to come to his New Year party and he told me that it’s now –
CHAPPY WILLIAM’S SPECIAL NEW YEAR TALENT SHOW
He said that we can only come if we agree to do a special talent act that lasts at least two minutes. Any ideas? One thought I had was that we could go to the party as
THE MYSTERIOUS CURTAIN PEOPLE.
We would wear my old curtains over our heads and just cut tiny, tiny slits into them so we can see where we are going on the way to Chappy’s. We would cut through Forthill because if we walked through the Ferry dressed as curtains we’d have all sorts of jokers having a pop.
At Chappy’s we would wear the curtains and only talk in riddles when people ask who we are. We could talk in foreign accents. For you this is easy. I’ll probably speak like a Frenchman.
If someone asks me who I am then I’ll say –
Oooh, I really don’t know
But I do like corn on the cob
If you were to say a name that sounds like this
Then you will have done a good job
What could you say? Do you have a good Russian riddle? It is a fun game, and I need to show Chappy that we have it all worked out. Then we can plan your visa,
Bobby x
----------------------------------
From: Alexandra
To: Bob Servant
Subject: a riddle?
Dear Bob!
As I could understand, you require a riddle… That is I should represent the woman whom of other country, but I should not speak, what I from Russia? I have understood?
----------------------------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Alexandra
Subject: WE’RE NOT GOING TO GET THE GOLDEN TICKET WITH THAT RUBBISH
Alex,
Come on, we’ll have to do better than that. If you stood there in a curtain mumbling about representing women from other country then people would think you were insane.
It is very, very important that we manage to get an invite to Chappy’s do. Everyone who is anyone in Broughty Ferry is going to be there and it is a wonderful opportunity to introduce you to local society.
You need a riddle of four lines that says you are from Russia but only through clues.
Bob
----------------------------------
From: Alexandra
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Dear Bob!
Dear Bob!
I at last have understood. Ok, but it not last variant:) So…
1. I from the country which knows all world but which nobody understands…
2. I from the country which language hardly is easier, than Chinese:)
3. I from the country, where the most beautiful girls in the world:)
4. I from the country where do not mark Christmas on December, 25:))
You will accept?
Yours Alex
----------------------------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Alexandra
Subject: BAD NEWS BUT ALL IS NOT LOST
Alex,
How are you my darling? OK, first the bad news. I finally caught up with Chappy Williams last night at Khan’s kebab shop and talked him through your curtains plan.
I told him the riddles and he didn’t like the idea at all. He said that they were no good and also pointed out that my old curtains were my Dinosaur ones and everyone would recognise them because I wore them as a poncho for four months when the cheeseburger money came through.
Chappy said we weren’t offering enough of an actual talent to take part in the event. He reckons, and I guess he’s right, that sticking curtains on your head and speaking in riddles isn’t a recognisable talent. I know it seems harsh but Chappy has only got a one-bedroom flat and there has been a lot of interest. I was at Berkeley’s Butchers earlier and four of them are going as Bananarama, and I know for a fact that Big Dom Maciocia has put together a Jackson Five from his chip shop.
So, I’m sorry Alex, but the party’s off. I still want you to come though. I am confident that you will win the role at Stewpot’s and
I’m desperate to see you. I want someone who can join me for walks along Broughty Ferry beach, or at the couples only nights at the bowling club, or as medical support and motivator during my monthly crack at the Dawson Park monkey bars record. You, Alex, are that woman.
But first, we need to get a few things straight.
1. Jazz Mags
I have approximately 2,000 jazz mags hidden all over the house. I don’t read them that much, but Don Cabbage makes me keep them in case he gets turned over by the police. I give some away, and guys like Frank Theplank and Tommy Peanuts are always borrowing them, but most drawers and cupboards in the house have at least one jazz mag in them. As does the fridge and the freezer. And the oven. And all of my jackets, some of which are lined with them.
Do you want me to clean up the jazz mags into one, easily monitored pile? You could maybe limit me to one mag a week, or maybe I could only be allowed to read them if you were out with the girls for a glass of wine, or in hospital having been run over. What do you think?
2. Apron
I have a novelty apron I wear when I am making dinner, and some other times too. It makes it look as if I have a women’s body and am wearing a brassiere and women’s pants. Is this acceptable?
3. Cartoon
A few months ago, Archie Campbell won the bowling club’s monthly Saucy Cartoon Competition12 with something he got off the Internet. It was a typical stunt by Archie, all flash and showing off, so I told him it was rubbish and not as funny as Garfield in the Dundee Courier. But the thing was, Alex, that the cartoon is actually very funny indeed. When Archie wasn’t looking, I popped it in my pocket and stuck it up on the kitchen wall when I got home.
Basically it’s a job interview and the man says ‘so you can’t keep a secret, well you’ve still got the job’ to this woman. It’s funny because keeping secrets is important but, here’s the thing, the woman’s bazookas are hanging out! So he gives her the job anyway!
It cracks me up and having it in the kitchen is a good way of starting the day with a smile.
What do you think? Do you see this as a bit of fun or are you going to get all angry and say it’s not fair on the woman even though she’s just a cartoon woman? Maybe you’d rather have a photo of babies up in the kitchen, or a calendar so you can mark up when you’re going to the barbers?
Let me know what you think about these things please Alex, so I can start getting things ready for you here.