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I would fill the place with plants and trees and make it really dark. When people came in they would literally have to trek to the counter, using a machete to get through the vines and avoid being attacked by the lions. These would be large paper mache lion heads that I would wear, popping up from behind the foliage and roaring in their ears.
Let me know if you think you could help,
Yours,
Bob
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From: Joseph Udeze
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I am waiting…
Dear Bob,
Nice talks … I shall be willing to render assistance if you can give to me further details. You have made a nice catch! How can I help with this enterprise?
Thanks,
Joseph.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Joseph Udeze
Subject: What I need
Joseph,
That is great news. What I need is this - an African team that can come up with sizzling African dishes that the cafe can cook. And, fuck me Joseph, I need it now. What do you think? I would need full recipes and would be willing to pay $500 for each one. Right now, I urgently need two genuine African recipes for which I will pay $1,000 by Western Union.
I need –
The name of the dish
The ingredients needed
Instructions for cooking
I am incredibly excited about this. I am going to close the cafe next week and start the work on it.
Yours,
Bob Servant
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From: Joseph Udeze
To: Bob Servant
Subject: OK
Dear Bob,
I have just read your mail, and I am sure that gradually I understand what you are talking about. All is well and like I assured you before now, I can do that for you. Africa as continent has a lot of dishes, but if I am to get correct answers to your request, then I have to concentrate on Nigerian dishes which I am very familiar with. I shall be responding further in that regards. Thanks for consulting me!
Joseph.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Joseph Udeze
Subject: An announcement
Joseph,
I hereby appoint you –
HEAD OF MENU CONSULTATION at UNCLE BOB’S AFRICAN ADVENTURE.
That’s right, you’ve got it. I have given you an opportunity Joseph, do not let me down,
Uncle Bob
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From: Joseph Udeze
To: Bob Servant
Subject: My true position on the matter
Dear Bob,
I have read your mail this morning and it is my sincere wish to help you. Like I stated, I am a lawyer by profession and as such would want to handle any transaction that I am having with anybody legally so that we don’t end up misunderstanding ourselves. Before we can commence actions please forward your full personal details.
Meanwhile I have consulted a specialist in Food Technology and that is to give to you the best of satisfaction in your demand. An investment has to be made and that is why I need to be assured that you would not let me down because as a professional in that field, I am required to pay to him consultation fees. Let me know your considerations over this.
Thanks and I am wishing you a successful endeavour.
Joseph U.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Joseph Udeze
Subject: Sounds good
Joseph,
Good to hear from you my friend. Things are coming along really well here. Old Joan, who works behind the counter, has taken it upon herself to start learning Swahili, which is a lovely touch. I think she was worried that I was going to sack her and get in someone younger and more exotic when we reopen and it’s great to see the staff on their toes like this.
I have a very, very good feeling about UNCLE BOB’S AFRICAN ADVENTURE. I think we are going to wipe the floor with the competition, in particular ARCHIE’S PIT STOP. Archie and I used to be friends until one night a few years ago. We were at the bowling club getting pissed up and I stupidly told Archie how well my cafe was doing.
He’d just got £20,000 redundancy from the Michelin and the next thing you know the bastard has opened up ARCHIE’S PIT STOP one hundred yards down the road from the cafe. We’ve never spoken since and I hope that I drive him to the wall. By Christ, he’ll near enough shit himself when he sees UNCLE BOB’S AFRICAN ADVENTURE. I can’t wait.
That is great news about the food technician. He sounds just the calibre of person that we need to get on board. Please welcome him to the team from me.
Also, here’s the other info you need –
I’m single/available
Cafe address –
Uncle Bob’s Wonderful Cafe
71 The High Street
Dundee,
Scotland UK
Look forward to hearing from you my friend. How long until the first recipe? Have some fun with it Joseph - surprise me and tease me, feel free to sauce it up, but not too spicy please.
Uncle Bob
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From: Joseph Udeze
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Have a look at the attached files
Dear Bob,
I have read your mail and also saw your information. I am still wanting to know your age. Thanks for all the information which has given me more confidence in what we are about doing. As I promised you in my early morning mail, I have attached here scanned copies of my own photographs for your perusal.15
Thanks,
Joseph.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Joseph Udeze
Subject: Sensational
Joseph,
Thank you so much for sending me these photos. They are simply sensational. In the first one you look extremely smart and have really turned yourself out nicely. In the second, you have been captured brilliantly relaxing with your family. The photos, if you like, show the two sides of Joseph Udeze, am I correct?
You look quite like Sir Trevor MacDonald, who used to read the news over here and play for Newcastle United.16 Is he a relation of yours?
Thank you,
Bob
PS I am 62 years old.
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From: Joseph Udeze
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Thanks for your words
Dear Bob,
All is well, thanks for your words. I shall be getting to you tomorrow further information as soon as I have spoken with the food specialist. Just relax your mind because I am working things out in a way that favors everybody.
I have just viewed a picture on the web of Sir Trevor MacDonald and I am not related. People can resemble each other and that is exactly what you have spotted. I don’t think I have any relation over there in Scotland.
Have a nice time.
Yours truly,
Joseph U.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Joseph Udeze
Subject: Frank
Joseph,
Hello my friend, good to hear from you and don’t worry about the Sir Trevor MacDonald thing, it doesn’t affect your employment. Joseph, I really need to get these recipes in as my chef Frank Theplank has to start practising very soon so that he can cook them by the time the cafe opens.
Frank is not the sharpest knife in the box and he is already bloody furious with the African theme, so I am keen to get him working on them asap. I will get Frank to email you directly. Please send the recipes straight to him to save time and then email me to arrange payment.
Many thanks,
Uncle Bob
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From: Frank Theplank
To: Joseph Udeze
Subject: RECIPES
HULLO
I AM THE CHEF AT BOB SERVANT’S CAFE AND HE TOLD ME TO EMAIL YOU AND ASK FOR THE AFRICAN RECIPES WHICH YOU ARE SENDING US FOR THIS STUPID NEW AFRICAN CAFE HE IS MAKING
FRANK THEPLANK
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From: Joseph Udeze
To: Bob Servant, Frank Theplank
Subject: From the chef
Forwarded Message –
From: Christian Bala
To: Joseph Udeze
Subject: African Menu
ATTN: MR. BOB SERVANT /FRANK THEPLANK,
I AM CHRISTIAN BALA (CHEF). HAVING RECEIVED INSTRUCTIONS FROM MR. JOSEPH UDEZE, I WILL OUTLINE SOME OF THE POPULAR AFRICAN DISHES. I SHALL ALSO BE WILLING TO BRIEF YOU FURTHER ON HOW THEY ARE PREPARED TO GET THE BEST OF TASTE AS SOON AS WE HAVE AGREED TERMS.
BELOW ARE SOME FOR THE MOMENT:-
1) ABACHA (AFRICAN SALAD)
INGREDIENTS: - CASSAVA (SHREDED), UGBA (OIL BEAN), PALM OIL, CRAYFISH, GARDEN EGG, HERRING FISH, COW HIDE (KPOMO), UKAZI LEAF, SALT/PEPPER.
2) YAM PORRIDGE.
INGREDIENTS: - YAM, PALM OIL, CRAY FISH OR SHRIMPS, PEPPER, GREEN LEAF OR PUMPKIN VEGETABLE, WATER LEAF, SMOKED FISH, SALT.
3) UGBA (OIL BEAN)
INGREDIENTS: - OIL BEAN (SHREDED), STOCKFISH, PALM OIL, CRAYFISH (GRINDED), CRABS, PEPPER, POTASH, SALT.
4) ISI EWU (GOAT HEAD)
INGREDIENTS: - GOAT HEAD, PALM OIL (RED), CENT LEAF (NCHANWU), POTASH, GREEN PEPPER, SALT, OIL BEAN (UGBA)
5) AFANG SOUP.
INGREDIENTS: - WATER LEAF, OKAZI LEAF, BEEF/FISH, PERIWINKLE, SNAILS, CRABS, PALM OIL, PEPPER, SALT.
I SHALL BE WAITING FOR YOUR COMMENTS.
CHRISTIAN BALA
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From: Bob Servant
To: Joseph Udeze, Christian Bala, Frank Theplank
Subject: MENU
Joseph/Michael,
Good news, the cafe is coming on brilliantly and UNCLE BOB’S AFRICAN ADVENTURE is really starting to take shape. I am trying to get hold of a camel and have put an advert for one in the window at Toshy’s Hardware. Once Frank has got your dishes nailed we’re going to be in business. I have chosen 3 dishes below, send the full instructions to Frank Theplank,
Bob
YAM PORRIDGE
ISI EWU
AFANG SOUP
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From: Christian Bala
To: Bob Servant, Joseph Udeze, Frank Theplank
Subject: More on African Menu
ATTN: MR. BOB SERVANT /FRANK THEPLANK, EVERYTHING WILL BE AS YOU DESIRE. I AM WORKING OUT MODALITIES WITH JOSEPH TO FIGURE OUT THE MOST EXCELLENT WAYS TO DELIVER THE INSTRUCTIONS SO THAT YOU DO NOT MAKE MISTAKES.
I WANT YOU TO JUST COUNT ON ME FOR A SUCCESSFUL “UNCLE BOB’S AFRICAN ADVENTURE” THAT WILL CAUSE TRAFFIC-JAM (HOLDUP OR GO-SLOW) IN SCOTLAND. WE ARE ALSO WISHING TO KNOW HOW MUCH YOU INTEND TO PAY US FOR THE SERVICES WE HAVE DESIRED TO RENDER?
THANKS,
CHRISTIAN BALA
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From: Frank Theplank
To: Bob Servant, Joseph Udeze, Christian Bala
Subject: Yam
IS YAM JUST AFRICAN FOR HAM?
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From: Bob Servant
To: Frank Theplank, Joseph Udeze, Christian Bala
Subject: Appointments
Hello everyone,
Firstly, some official appointments. I think this is the best structure for you guys over there (or ‘The Recipe Boys’, as I like to call you when talking to Old Joan), and us cats here in Broughty Ferry. So here’s the lowdown –
Joseph Udeze - Menu Consultant
Christian Bala - Food Technician
Frank Theplank – Head Chef
Bob Servant – Owner and Inspiration/Father Figure
Old Joan – Cashier
NB Joseph Udeze and Christian Bala also can be collectively referred to as ‘The Recipe Boys’. (as long as they’re OK with that)
What do you think? With this team we will not only stop traffic, as you say, but blast Archie’s Pit Stop into oblivion. Send the recipes to Frank Theplank today. He will check them over. If everything is fine then I will pay you $500 each recipe and then order some more immediately. So get your thinking caps on Recipe Boys!
The cafe is now closed and undergoing refurbishment. I am going down to Homebase this afternoon to buy the foliage for the jungle theme and I’m going to pop into Remnant Kings and see if they have much in the way of animal skins.
Uncle Bob
PS Frank, yam is not ham. I will explain more this afternoon.
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From: Christian Bala
To: Bob Servant, Frank Theplank
Subject: AFRICAN MENU (The Yam Potage)
MENU NO: (1) THE YAM POTAGE,
INGREDIENTS: --- YAM, PALM OIL, CRAY FISH OR SHRIMPS, PEPPER, ONION, CENT LEAF, GREEN LEAF OR PUMPKIN LEAF, WATER LEAF, SMOKED FISH, SALT ETC.
HOW TO PREPARE YAM POTAGE: --- PEEL YAM - CUT INTO CUBES, WASH AND PUT IN POT. ADD WATER THAT COVERS THE YAM. ADD PALM OIL AND BOIL THEN PLACE ON BURNER (STOVE, GAS COOKER E.T.C). BOIL FOR 5 MINUTES THEN INTRODUCE SPICES SUCH AS CHOPPED ONIONS, CENT LEAF (NCHANWU) TO GIVE YAM POTAGE FLAVOR, GRINDED PEPPER AND CRAY FISH OR SHRIMPS. THEN ADD SMOKED FISH AND OTHER VEGETABLES AND BOIL UNTIL YAM IS READY FOR EATING.
HOW TO SERVE YAM POTAGE: -- NORMALLY SERVED HOT IN TWO DIFFERENT BOWLS - BOILED YAM IN ONE PLATE WITH BROTH (SOUP) IN OTHER. A SET OF CUTLERIES (KNIFE, SPOON AND FORK) IS USED TO EAT YAM POTAGE.
ENJOY YOUR MEAL! THIS IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG! I SHALL BE WAITING FOR YOUR COMMENTS,
CHRISTIAN BALA (CHEF).
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From: Bob Servant
To: Christian Bala, Joseph Udeze
Subject: The Yam Potage
Christian,
Thank you very much for this recipe. Frank is not working today as he trapped his foot in a drain on the way home last night and is unable to walk. With anyone else I would find this suspicious but, with Frank, I believe it. The guy is a complete fool. However, he is a good chef and I can’t wait to see how he does with these recipes.
Can you please send us the other two recipes today? Then I can get Frank to cook all three tomorrow when he comes in. Once he’s done that, and assuming that they are as delicious as they sound, then I will order more and pay you for the three.
I attach a photo of Frank.17 It’s important you know what the Scottish gang looks like over there at Recipe HQ. Also, I’m going to start hunting about for a lion’s head. Should I get a male or female? I know the easy answer is male but sometimes I think female lions are more scary because you wouldn’t expect it from them. I don’t want one that’s too scary though as it would be disastrous if I were to give someone a heart attack. Maybe I’ll just wear a normal tracksuit with the lion’s head so they realise it is not a real lion,
Bob
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From: Christian Bala
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Payment
Dear Bob,
You will be fine with male or female lion head as people will be terrified of both. Your cafe will be a big success. We are ever willing to render every services that you desired, but would not do so unprofessionally.
We have released the information on how to prepare Yam Potage as a sample of what we are capable of doing. We are also willing to release the other two menus but it is our wish to demand for at least an advance payment to proceed with the assignment which we are very willing to accomplish. Your good understanding would be highly appreciated.
Thanks,
Christian Bala
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From: Bob Servant
>
To: Christian Bala, Joseph Udeze
Subject: Bad news
Gentlemen,
I have bad news. Archie, that idiot, has been coming round the last couple of days and winding up Frank and myself. I take him with a pinch of salt but unfortunately Frank gets very angry with the teasing. Archie keeps tricking Frank by making him say words that he says are African but really they are just bad words spelt backwards. You know, the usual - DRATSAB, and so on.
Anyway, yesterday he really went to town on Frank when I was up at the bank sorting out some change. I came back in and Frank was wearing a lion outfit that had been superglued up the back. Archie had told him it would help him cook African food and then glued him into it. Poor Frank was absolutely roasting, still trying to make that Yam Potage but it was very hard for him as he could hardly see out the eyeholes. Also, a group of local children saw him through the window and came in and started throwing things at him.
When I arrived I saw one hit him on the head and another jab him in the bottom with a rolling pin. Actually, the guy who did that was in his late 40s. I told him I could understand the kids messing about but it was a bit much him getting involved. He apologised and said he had been attracted in from the street by the kids laughing and found himself getting sucked into the whole thing.
I managed to clear everyone out but Frank was absolutely livid. I got the suit off and he just sat there, rocking on a chair, saying ‘Pit stop, Pit stop’ over and over. I didn’t know what to say. I told him to take the rest of the day off and he just got up, smiled and said, ‘Goodbye Bob. I’ll take care of it’. The funny thing is that he looked so peaceful when he left.
I got on with work (I’ve been trying to draw palm trees on the wall but they just look like big seagulls) and then a couple of hours later I heard sirens. I ran down the street just in time to see Frank dancing in the flames of what used to be ARCHIE’S PIT STOP, wearing the lion outfit.
There was nothing I could do and the police were there immediately and carted him off. As he passed me he shouted, “Say goodbye to the Recipe Boys” before they dragged him off. There was something strange about him though, and it was only when I looked closer that I noticed the lion outfit had some form of liquid all over it.
Frank was covered, you’ve guessed it, in Yam Potage.
Of course, there’s no way I can continue with the business now. Frank was a wonderful chef and, in many ways, was also my rock. I am going to sell up and go back into window cleaning. Thank you so much for all your work, it’s just lucky that it wasn’t wasted.