by Bob Servant
My other idea was that we could make dreadlocks out of twisted up bin bags and stretch them across the water so the lake has hair like the boys in Jamaica. We would have to put a small sign up saying that this was not real hair or someone passing by might think that a Rasta was drowning and dive into the lake. The lakes would only be about a foot deep so any rescue attempt could lead to paralysis.
What do you think? This is how I see BIG BOBBY AND THE JAMAICA LAKERS breaking down -
BOB SERVANT - Chief Architect, Head of Sales, Accountant.
SASHA MALIKOV - Head of Digging, Chief Translator (for Olga and any Russian clients)
OLGA GOLDOVSKY - Head of Foliage, Sandwich Maker
Sasha, I think we would be a big success. I know I’m asking a lot. You’ve worked like a soldier to build up Lotos from scratch but I think this could be an opportunity for you to get away from the madness of the Lotos office and the Russian Ratrace and work in the open air.
What do you say?
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From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From Sasha
Bob,
Olga and I have considered this and decided that yes we will both come to your country and work in this new area. The airfare for Olga is $1400. I will pay my own air fare but to close my business here is a fine of $2000. This is $3400 that it is fair enough for you to pay. Can you send by Western union? Can you send today and then Olga and I can plan our trip.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Subject: Ticket
Sasha,
Great news. I’ll book Olga’s flight directly, that would be easiest. What’s her passport number?
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From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From Sasha
Bob,
If you send me the money then we will book Olga’s flight here. This is what she would rather do. Can you send the $3400 today by Western Union?
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From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Subject: Ticket
What difference does it make if I just book it?
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From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From Sasha
Bob,
Olga says she would rather book it from here. She is a proud woman like you know and would want to book it herself. I am also proud Russian man and so I must pay this fine to my partners for leaving Lotos. Are you sending the money today?
Sasha
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From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Subject: My mistake
Sasha,
Of course. I forgot how proud you both are. You have demonstrated that to me in many ways, particularly by agreeing to fly to Scotland to join a new company making Jamaica lakes. Sasha, one thing I forgot to say. When the two of you come here, then Olga will obviously stay in the house with me but I think it would be awkward with you around as well.
Would you mind, and I know this sounds a bit daft, living in a dustbin? I have a spare dustbin that I haven’t used for years. It’s quite big and relatively comfortable, as dustbins go. You can still use the kitchen and the bathroom in the house but after we have our dinner and all watch a bit of telly it would be a case of Olga and I going to bed and you going outside and getting into the dustbin. Is that OK with you?
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From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From Sasha
Bob,
I am OK whatever the arrangement. It is cold here in Russia so living outside will not be a problem. Bob, please, you must send the money immediately. Olga is now thinking that maybe you are not serious. I know you are but it is hard to keep her OK. Send the money today, you understand? $3400.
Sasha
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From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Subject: Last Request
One last thing. As you know, I am not in possession of a you-know-what and I really miss the old boy. I miss the stuff with skirt but also something else. One of the great pleasures of my life, Sasha, was standing above the toilet, holding Bobby Junior and unleashing for as long as I possibly could. I always tried to keep the flow as slow as possible. I never pushed myself, I let things happen naturally and kept an eye on my watch to see how I was doing. On a blackboard beside the toilet I had BOBBY JUNIOR’S TOP TEN where I kept my longest times.
In 1996, after hosting a cider war between myself, Tommy Peanuts and Frank Theplank I stopped myself going to the toilet until I couldn’t walk standing up. When I finally went, Sasha, I hit one minute, eight seconds.
Now, that time will never be beaten but you’ve got no idea how many nights I wish I could have another crack at it. Going to the toilet these days, as you can imagine, is no fun and that’s where you come in.
I was thinking Sasha, and of course you’d have to be comfortable with this, that I could come with you to the toilet. You would stand at the toilet and I would hold your old boy as you went. This would not in any way be a saucy set-up. I would wear a glove, probably a goalie’s glove to maintain a good grip and I would also look straight ahead. Other than that, you could just go as normal and we’d see how we did time wise. Obviously, I’d give you great support, saying things like –
“Easy, Sasha, easy, don’t force it”.
“Give me a little bit more big guy, just a little bit more”.
And – “Waterfalls Sasha, waterfalls”.
What do you think? I wouldn’t be angry if you didn’t do well time wise, I’d just be glad to be back in the hunt. Look forward to hearing your thoughts,
Bob Servant
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From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From Sasha
OK Bob,
I have thought about this and it sounds OK as well. YOU MUST SEND $3400 THROUGH WESTERN UNION. Can you do this today Bob? Olga is worried and a little angry.
Sasha
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From Bob Servant
To: Olga
Subject: I give up
(No message)
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From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From Sasha
Bob,
What do you mean?
Sasha
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NO REPLY/THE END
27. This article does indeed strongly indicate a weakening housing market in the troubled Chelyabinsk region.
28. On 8 August 1988 Bob Servant appeared on Grampian Television’s North Tonight Special Report entitled ‘Cheese Burger or Cheese Murder?’ The other guests were a local councillor and a member of the Scottish Obesity Forum. The debate lasted just short of three minutes during which time Bob accused the Scottish Obesity Forum of being both Communists and ‘perverts’, accused the councillor of being ‘knee deep in bungs from the kebab shops’ and then angrily suggested that the show’s presenter (who had yet to speak) was ‘putting words in my mouth’. Bob walked off the set, only to reappear twenty seconds later to ask who he should speak to about expenses, at which point the show was replaced without warning by an old edition of Sheepdog Trials.
29. I can personally verify, due to the confines of the men’s lavatory in Doc Ferry’s bar and Bob’s peculiar sense of humour, that Bob has not suffered this particular loss.
7
The Hunt For Jerren Jimjams
From: Dr. Mamadou Kouassi
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Opportunity
Dearest,
TRANSFER OF US$25m INTO A PERSONAL/COMPANY’S OFFSHORE ACCOUNT
> We solicit your assistance. We have US$25m made from over inflated contracts in my Ministry (Federal Ministry of Education) here in Senegal. We seek your assistance to remit this amount into your account or any nominated account. Your commission will be 20% of the total sum, 10% for expenses and the remaining 70% for my colleagues and myself. Could you notify me of your acceptance to carry out this transaction along with your private Tel. And Fax number.
Yours faithfully,
Dr. Mamadou Kouassi
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From: Bob Servant
To: Dr. Mamadou Kouassi
Subject: Opportunity
I cannot help you. I simply do not trust anyone from Senegal because the name of the country is so close to seagull. I am sure you get this all the time, and I know it’s not your fault, but I hope you can understand my reasons,
Bob
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From: Dr. Mamadou Kouassi
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From Dr. M Kouassi
Dear Mr Bob Servant,
I receive your mail with thanks. Has maybe a Senegal man done you wrong before and that is the reason why you do not want this? I am not blaming you. Forward the hooligans name and contact information so that i can make an entry, yes i have the power. I forward to police headquarters to trace them and catch them red-handed. Whatever you lost you are going to gain it. Concerning my offer i don’t know your opinion. Do you have details for a personal/company or offshore account?
THANK YOU AND AWAITING YOUR REPLY.
Dr. Mamadou
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From: Bob Servant
To: Dr Mamadou Kouassi
Subject: You got it
Marmalade,
That’s right, you’ve understood me perfectly. The seagull was a red herring. The man from Senegal who ripped me off called himself –
JERREN JIMJAMS
Frankly I’m not sure if that is his real name. He said he had this secret bank account with $25m, I’d get 25%, and so on. The usual bollocks you get from that lot. I paid him over $50,000 and I never heard from him again. JERREN JIMJAMS is a liar and a fraud and I hate him,
Bob
PS Sorry I don’t want to do the new deal after my experiences. I also don’t have an offshore bank account. Chappy Williams has a cousin that works on the oil rigs so he may have one, I’ll check for you. They have a great time the rig boys, they pay fuck-all tax and spend their time fishing and sunbathing.30
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From: Dr. Mamadou Kouassi
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Dr. M. Kouassi
Dear Mr Bob Servant,
Please my friend my name is Mamadou. I thank you for the information of the money. Believe me we will locate JERREN JIMJAMS since Dakar is a small place. The only thing you will do now is to send to me his phone and fax number so the operation begins at police headquarter. You give me the bank you were using at the time. I guarantee you we recover your money. They will vomit the money by force.
Thank you and remain bless.
Dr. Mamadou Kouassi.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Dr Mamadou Kouassi
Subject: Vomit
Marmalade,
It would be great to see them vomit the money. Let me check my files for JIMJAMS phone number. He called from a mobile. There was load music playing and I could hear a woman laughing. She had a strange laugh. It kind of stopped and then started then stopped and then REALLY started and no-one else was laughing so I think she was either reading something funny in the newspaper or maybe watching You’ve Been Framed but only she could see the television? Also I remember JIMJAMS said he lived beside the sea and had long hair. That at least gives you something to go on in the meantime. Maybe I should speak to the police directly?
Bob
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From: Dr. Mamadou Kouassi
To: Bob Servant
Subject: THE GENDARMERIE
Dear Mr Bob Servant,
It is Mamadou that you call me. These are useful tips. Now I have already laid the complaint and the Gendarmerie police assure me as long as you provide the contact of the criminal that he will be caught within days. As you describe JIMJAMS lives near sea and has long hair the order has been given to round up those who have this description. He said that you should contact him
Email: [email protected]
Name: YOUSSOU BA (GENDARMERIE)
Please my friend i advice you send him an email and explain everything to him. Rest assured this GENDARMERIE is an action man.
Dr Mamadou Kouassi.
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From: Bob Servant
To- Youssou Ba
Subject: For the Urgent Attention of Mr Youssou Ba
Dear Sir,
A good friend of mine, who I shall not name for the purpose of keeping him safe from the rebels, told me you can help me trap the notorious JERREN JIMJAMS who took me for over $50,000. I know that he has long hair and a female associate with a distinctive laugh. I would warn your men that JIMJAMS is a cruel and cunning thief. A man like him does not need weapons. His weapon is his mouth. Please beware. JIMJAMS might try and talk your men into letting him go. He will mess with their minds and undress them with his eyes. He is a coyote, a real snake in the grass. I have attached a photo which I think he may look a little bit like,
Thank you,
Bob
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From: Youssou Ba
To: Bob Servant
Subject: GENDARMERIE in charge
Atten: Mr Bob,
Well I recieved your mail with thanks and am obliged to see the photo of the so-called JERREN JIMJAMS. Now I have printed the photo and dispatched it to the whole offices for proper investigation. You should not worry on how my boys apprehend him. In my country the people living near the sea is not populated and I will send my boys to the zone tomorrow. Everybody will present their ID and passport and anybody with the name JERREN JIMJAMS will suffer hell.
I will like to inform you that you will pay me £5,000 when i get him but you have to bear in mind that you will come down as soon as i get the robber so that we can recover all your money. You will pay me 1/2 the money immediately when I catch them and bring the rest with you. I will like you to send to me your phone and fax number including your residential address.
MR YOUSSOU BA
GENDARMERIE INCHARGE.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Youssou Ba
Subject: Progress
Youssou,
Your tactics for trapping JIMJAMS are spot on with one flaw. I am talking, of course, about the sea. Let’s not leave the back door open. The land assault should be complemented by a simultaneous naval attack. All ports should be blocked off and any ship that tries to break through should get one shot across the bows and then just blow those fuckers right out of the water Youssou. It’s up to you if you lead the land or naval charge. I would base the decision on whether you get seasick and what outfit you look best in.
I will happily pay a £5,000 reward when JIMJAMS is caught, with one demand. When you catch him I want you (personally) to strip him naked and dress him in women’s clothes. This is an old British tradition. It is a way of humiliating criminals and making them look like dafties. For example, here is a photo of a man recently caught stealing bread in Monifieth,31
Speak soon, best of luck,
Bob
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From: Youssou Ba
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Send your phone and fax urgently
Attn: Bob Servant,
I inform you that 9 men were apprehended and are waiting for interrogation. Send me your phone and fax immediately and prepare to send mo
ney through Western Union and also to come here to Dakar to collect the rest of your money.
Sincerely,
Mr Youssou Ba.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Youssou Ba
Subject: Easy on the interrogation
Great news. Take it easy with the questioning. Get inside their heads Youssou, see what makes them tick. Where is the best place to fly to? I will have to really shake up my travelling wardrobe for this one. I am going to set the reward for the capture of JIMJAMS at £5,000. You can use this any way you see fit - ie, bribes, gifts, or the setting up of honey traps. Any word from Dr Kouassi? I miss him a bit but not too much because you sound so like him.
Yours,
Bob x
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From: Youssou Ba
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Jimjams apprehended
Attn: Mr Bob Servant,
Dr Kouassi is just OK and happy because I have updated him with this. After the 9 men were treated like goats they confessed the truth. We found JIMJAMS office where he used to set all his boys and the second boss of JIMJAMS told us where his mansion was. JIMJAMS was arrested at his mansion at 5am. He is in jail. He has agreed he took your money and that he took an American man’s money as well. JIMJAMS has long hair and criminal eyes you were right about this. Now I want you to prepare yourself to come to Dakar and send £2,500 as we agree.
Mr Youssou Ba.
GENDARMERIE
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From: Bob Servant
To: Youssou Ba
Subject: Incredible Scenes
Youssou,
You have him? JIMJAMS is captured? Thank Christ. Youssou, all I ask is this. Make JIMJAMS dress in women’s clothes and take a photo. I need to see that photo and then I will know that he is captured and humiliated. I will send £5,000 reward when I know this is the case,
Bob
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From: Youssou Ba
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Awaiting Urgently
Attn: Mr Bob Servant,