Delete This at Your Peril
Page 13
Awaiting your reply urgently.
By now.
Dr. Mamadou Kouassi.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Dr. Mamadou Kouassi
Subject: Things are picking up
Marmalade,
How are you my friend? I am having a great time here in Dhaka. At first I wasn’t too happy (as you probably noticed!) but I decided to give it a chance and I’m really glad I did. Last night I went to a bar and, well, I’ve kind of met someone.
His name is KAZI and he works at the bar as a bouncer. His English is quite good and we got to chatting and I guess it just clicked. I don’t want to get carried away, but I must admit that I do really, really like him. He is a strong man who is not scared to give his opinions and I admire that. He is also a sensational lover.
I am going to stay here with KAZI for a while. The two of us are hiring a caravan tomorrow and he is taking me on a tour of his country. He wants to take me to his hometown and show me off. Imagine someone wanting to show off silly old Bob! Oh Doctor Marmalade, am I being a fool? Is there such a thing as love at first sight or is KAZI playing me for a bellend? Here is a photo of KAZI. I hope you like him, I’m crazy about the big lump.
I will keep you posted, wish me luck!
Bob
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From: Dr. Mamadou Kouassi
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Are you coming or not?
Dear Bob,
Thank you for your mail and i will like to welcome you in my country here DAKAR IN SENEGAL WEST AFRICA but tell me when i will be expecting you? Or can you send just £500 now through Western Union and I will hold your money for you with no further charges? Your friend can come to DAKAR with you.
Awaiting your reply.
Dr Mamadou.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Dr. Mamadou Kouassi, Youssou Ba, Randy Whyting
Subject: Look out your party gear!
Bob and Kazi’s Special Day
You’re invited!
Host-Bob and Kazi
Location Dhaka Church, Dhaka High Street, Dhaka
Time-Saturday, June 24, 12:00pm
Gentlemen of Senegal and America. My newly found man of my dreams, Kazi, and I would like to invite you to our wedding here in Dhaka. If it was not for you I would never have found myself here and would not have met Kazi at the Happy Kiss Bar. It would be fantastic if the three of you could make it to the wedding next Saturday. The dress code is OuTRAGEOuS. We want the day to be a celebration of our love and a really good knees-up. I hope that you can get time off from the hospital and the police station, and that Randy can extend his trip. It won’t be the same without the three of you because you’re such distinctive, completely separate characters.
Yours forever,
Bob
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NO REPLY/THE END
30. Bob is presumably referring to the nearby North Sea oilfields. Employees of the oil companies pay national rates of taxation. The suggestion that they spend time fishing and sunbathing, on one hundred metre high oil rigs stationed halfway to Norway, is frankly ridiculous.
31. Monifieth’s bread thieves, or thieves of any nature, are not required to dress in such a manner following capture. Doing so would likely be seen as a cheap attempt at claiming diminished responsibility.
32. The ‘Services Offered’ column of the Broughty Ferry Gazette contained an advertisement every Saturday for the first few months of 2008 entitled ‘Cuddles and Maybe More?’ ‘Calling all Lonely Skirt’ the advert declared, ‘A local late 50s/early 60s gigolo is now available. Strong arms, spotless bunnet, beautiful singing voice. Treat yourself. Rates Negotiable’. An advertisement on Saturday April 23rd announced: ‘Gigolo no Longer Available’. ‘Local late 50s/early 60s gigolo is no longer available’ it reads. ‘This is NOT due to lack of interest. I am leaving with my head held high. Whoever I am’. An advertisement on Saturday April 30th is titled ‘To Gigolo Bob, Thanks Anyway’. ‘Happy retirement wishes to the local unused gigolo Bob Servant of Harbour View Road’, it reads. ‘All the best from the boys at Stewpot’s Bar’. The advertisement is then signed by eighteen men.
33. The staff of Dundee’s Ninewells Zoo are both highly trained and dedicated. The idea that one would accept a bribe of alcohol (or anything else for that matter) to look the other way while members of the public borrowed a lion is outrageous.
34. For me, this is the most outlandish note in the entire, sorry collection of Bob Servant’s emails. The idea that he could operate a Blackberry device is complete insanity. He covers his microwave with a blanket while it’s operating and was told by Chappy Williams that he could only make mobile phone calls from within public phoneboxes, a practice he maintained for nearly the whole of 2002.
8
From Lanzhou to Willy’s Chinese Palace
From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Subject: JOB OPPORTUNITY/ MAKE MORE INCOME
Dear Sir/Madam,
We are Lanzhou Global, a specialist in the production of Rubber belts such as power transmission belts, conveyor belts etc. We have reached big sales volume of rubber products in USA/Canada and now trying to penetrate the United Kingdom and European market. Quite soon we shall open representative offices in the United Kingdom and therefore we are looking for people to assist us.
We need agents to receive payment in bank wire transfers and to resend the money to us. You earn 10% from each operation and work as an independent contractor right from your home office. Your job is absolutely legal. You can earn up to 3000–4000 pounds monthly.
Best Regards,
Admin/Human Resources Manager, Xiong Li.
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From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Subject: OK, let’s talk
Hello there
This looks very interesting indeed. My name is Bob Servant and I am a semi-retired window cleaner. How would I go about applying for this job?
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
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From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Subject: JOB OPPORTUNITY/ MAKE MORE INCOME
Dear Bob,
Thanks for responding to our offer. We are pleased with your interest. We are looking to extend our business to United Kingdom and have been facing difficulties in handling payments from our client, that is why we have decided to employ people over there whom we can trust. Do you understand our aims OK? Do not hesitate to ask any question.
XIONG LI
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From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Subject: MY GARAGE COULD BE AN OFFICE
Xiong,
I am very interested in working for your company. I have a big garage that I do not use much and I was thinking that I could convert it into an office? The only thing is that it is absolutely freezing in there because I knocked a hole in the wall once when I decided that I needed an escape tunnel from the house. Looking back it was a stupid decision but it was around the time of the Millennium Bug and a lot of people were panicking. I remember wee Jane at Mrs. Muffn’s being too scared to use their till on New Year’s Day because Chappy Williams told her it might explode.
There isn’t much in the garage – just a bike, a barbecue and about 30,000 jazz mags.
Many thanks,
Bob
PS What would be my job title?
PPS Is there a uniform?
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From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Re: MY GARAGE COULD BE AN OFFICE
Hello Bob,
Thanks a lot. Listen Bob this job does not require your much time or space. It�
�s lucrative but all we need is you handling and collecting payments from our clients. You do not need a uniform for this and get 10% of each payment. You can give yourself any title you want. Please give us your full personal and banking details so we can get started with this now Bob,
Thanks,
Xiong
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From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Subject: Thoughts on a uniform
Xiong,
I am an old-fashioned kind of man and as far as I’m concerned if you are working then you wear a uniform, it’s as simple as that. Perhaps it would be possible for me to arrange a uniform over here and show you to see if it ties in with your corporate image? What kind of look do you go for yourself? Do you wear a suit or a branded tracksuit?
I want something tight, that’s vital. It makes me feel alert. I remember when I still had the windowcleaning round. Whenever we had a bumper day I used to wear two pairs of pants, tight ones too and sometimes stick a dishcloth down there as well. I walked about the place like a bloody cowboy but it really put me in the zone. I remember the boys down at Toshy’s Hardware used to encourage me. One time a few of them stuck me in the shop window and managed to get eight towels down my pants and trousers while everyone clapped outside.35
With regards to the information you need about old Bob here, can you please be a bit more specific. I have had a long and fruitful life Xiong, and if I’m going to open that can of worms then God only knows what could pop out! Your new employee, a proud member of the Lanzhou Team,
The Big Man,
Bob Servant
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From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD To:
Bob Servant
Subject: APPLICATION FORM
Hello Big Man!
We are glad to have you as our staff, this is the information that we need. Do what you think is best for a uniform Bob. We trust you. I wear a suit.
PERSONAL DETAILS
First Name:
Middle Name:
Last Name:
Date Of Birth:
Sex:
Occupation:
Marital Status:
National Insurance Number/Social Security Number:
Address:
City:
State:
Zip/Postal Code:
Country:
Home Phone:
Mobile Phone:
Fax:
CERTIFICATION:
I hereby certify that all entries are true and complete. I agree and understand that any falsification of information, regardless of time of discovery, may cause forfeiture on my part of employment in the service of Lanzhou Global Manufacturing Co. Ltd. I consent to criminal history background checks.
Date:
Applicant Signature:
OFFICIAL USE ONLY:
Remarks:
Lanzhou Global Manufacturing Co., Ltd.
Thailand.
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From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Subject: UNIFORMS
Xiong,
Hello boss! I have been trying like a bastard to find the right uniform for the job and I think I have it - a boilersuit that I bought for £30 from Nipper Kolacz, who works at the Michelin. Nipper wasn’t able to give me a receipt because they get given them free but could I still claim it on expenses?
Here’s what I want to do with it. On the front left chest pocket I want to put my initials – BGS – like what football managers have on their training jackets. It’s on the back that I want to get a little bit saucy. I don’t know if you have a slogan over there at LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD or not but I have come up with one that I think is a bit of a cracker.
Are you ready?
HEY DICKHEAD! ARE YOU LAUGHING AT OUR RUBBER? SHUT UP OR WE’LL BELT YOU!
(And then underneath that) - LANZHOU GLOBAL - THE BEST RUBBER BELTS IN THE WORLD.
What do you think? It’s quite long so the writing would have to be pretty small but I think it sets the right tone. It’s extremely funny but also presents us as a serious international rubber belt company.
One final thing, are we going to advertise the fact that we have touched down in Scotland? I was up in Fintry the other day looking for skirt and I saw a cracking advertising board. I took a photo of it to show you as I thought it would be a great spot for a LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD advert – maybe using my new slogan? Let me know what you think, it’s got a car on it just now but it’s not a real car so it would be easy to take it off.
I’ve really enjoyed my first two days of working for LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD. It’s been all go, but I have had a great time. I’ll get to grips with the form tomorrow.
This is Bob Servant, star man of Lanzhou Global Ltd, clocking off!
Yours loyally,
Barbara
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From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Form needed
Dear Bob,
I am glad to read your message, I am very impressed with you and I must say you might be one of our best staff because of your good attitude and loyalty. I am proud of you and I feel you can help us have a large market in the UK. The uniform sounds perfect. You should wear it when you are doing your business as you will look smart. Let us have a think about what advertisements we might do but you have made a good start.
Bob, do not hesitate to send back your job application form. It is very important and we need this information for our system. We also have clients that will start making payments into your banking account very soon,
XIONG
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From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Subject: Completed Form (stick it in your pipe and smoke it!) (only joking) (though you can if you want) (don’t choke to death without paying me though!) (only joking)
Xiong,
I’ve done the form! Isn’t this incredible Xiong, old Bobby boy working for a Chinese belt company?! But why not? The thing is Xiong, you’re over there in China and I’m here in Broughty Ferry. But you’re just a man and I’m just a man. That’s what I’m saying. We’re all just men. Apart from women.
All the very, very best,
Sandra
JOB APPLICATION FORM PERSONAL DETAILS
First Name:
BOB
Middle Name:
GODZILLA
Last Name:
SERVANT
Date Of Birth:
62 YEARS OLD DO NOT CELEBRATE BIRTHDAY BECAUSE OF STRESS OF ORGANISING PARTY
Sex:
MALE (100%)
Occupation:
SCOTTISH REPRESENTATIVE FOR LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Marital Status:
SINGLE/AVAILABLE
National Insurance
Number/Social Security Number: WOULD RATHER WORK CASH IN HAND PLEASE
Address:
18 HARBOUR VIEW City: DUNDEE State: TAYSIDE Zip/Postal Code: ZIP? Country: SCOTLAND
Home Phone:
BROKEN
Mobile Phone:
GOT ONE FOR CHRISTMAS FROM TOMMY PEANUTS BUT LOST IN BET ON BOXING DAY (ARM WRESTLE WITH TOMMY PEANUTS)36
Fax:
I THINK THE POST OFFICE HAS ONE THAT I COULD USE?
CERTIFICATION:
I hereby certify that all entries are true and complete. I agree and understand that any falsification of information, regardless of time of discovery, may cause forfeiture on my part of employment in the service of Lanzhou Global Manufacturing Co. Ltd. I consent to criminal history background checks.
Date: 28/3/07
Applicant Signature: Bobby Servant. By the way, about those checks, I smoked a few Fatty Boom Booms in the late 1970s but I never really enjoyed them that much. Other than that, you’ll probably dig up some bits and pieces but they all resulted from genuine misunderstandings.
FOR OFFICIA
L USE ONLY:
Remarks: BOB IS A GOOD GUY
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From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Subject : MISSING INFORMATION
Hello Bob,
Thank you for sending the form but it is not totally correct. You did not give us your postal address and no national insurance number. Kindly do that and meanwhile one of our clients is ready to make a payment so we need your phone number and bank details soon,
Thank You,
XIONG
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From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Subject: STAFF PARTY
Xiong,
Thanks you for your email. You know, Xiong, when I hear from you, my special boss with his kind words, I feel about ten feet tall. It’s lucky I’m not though, or I wouldn’t be able to get into my house! I would, of course, I could just crawl in the front door or lever myself through a window. Either way, I’d get into the house. That’s for bloody sure.
Xiong, I have been very, very busy. I know you want to get these forms done but it’s not all about paperwork in business Xiong, you should know that. What we need Xiong, is to let people know that we are here and we mean business. Rubber belt business.
I’ve started spreading the word locally in Broughty Ferry, and then I’ll take it on a rolling campaign through Douglas and Mid Craigie, up the Kingsway and back through the West End to the city centre. People are intrigued and welcoming to the company and they’re fascinated by where we want to take it.
I have also been thinking about a staff night out. Obviously, as things stand there is just me here in the Scottish office, but I was thinking of inviting a couple of people. The first guy I thought of was Clive from the Royal Bank.37 Clive is a bit eccentric but is also quite senior I think. He’s a good guy and he could be quite important to us for setting up bank accounts and so on. The other one is Hamish McAlpine, the former Dundee United goalkeeper. Hamish is a distinctive local character and a good guy to have onside. I have attached a photo.