Delete This at Your Peril
Page 17
What stamps of automobiles you prefer?
If I had eight apples and I ate three but then someone gave me two more then how many would I have?
Sometimes when I’m watching the TV and drinking wine I think the curtains are talking to me. Is this possible or am I just imagining it?
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From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I’m glad to you
Dear Bob.
I am glad, that you have time to answer my letter. Each day I wait your letter more. Bob, you to have the remarkable automobile and I think that you look in him fine. I have never seen yet such automobiles here in Russia. Bob, I do not understand initially your question. Concerning the apples, I do not understand your riddle, but if I correctly to understand you would have seven apples. It is correct? I do not know about the curtains at all.
Yes I will be watching the election in America of television with my grandmother but excuse me if I am wrong, but today I am afflicted with that one of the homeless people, which I looked after, has died. He had incurable illness. I hope, that our help brought to him pleasure. I always dream of scientists creating medicines for incurable illnesses. As the death of the people is a large sincere pain. I hope that the people will live all over the world better. Now I shall go on training on sports dances after that I shall go home.
Only yours
Natalia.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Subject: It’s Obama time
Natalia,
A big ‘American Howdy’!
A few hours to go! I’m excited there’s no doubt about it. Whoever wins could really shake things up and I wish we were over in America to soak it all in. What I wouldn’t give to be sitting behind the wheel of a Cadillac in America with you Natalia. I’m not sure if we’d be allowed to vote. I know for example that people from Fife are not allowed to vote outside Fife because they’d probably get lost on the way home.47
But either way we’d drive to the polling booths to meet the people and then on to a drive-in movie and then a burger bar where the girls would serve us on roller skates (I wouldn’t really be looking though). By Christ, we’d have some night. I’d probably end up wearing the roller skates, being towed by you in the Cadillac, both of us with our tops off and laughing like idiots.
It’s hard for me to get a real debate about the election going in Stewpot’s bar. They’re a bunch of halfwits and aren’t taking it seriously. Frank is backing Obama because he fancies his wife and Slim Smith is supporting McCain because of how good his frozen chips are.
I’m an Obama man, no doubt about it, but I must say I thought it was a bit much that he got to do that special half hour television thingy. It struck a bit of a nerve from when I went up against Archie for the presidency of the bowling club. He had a pal at the Broughty Ferry Gazette and on the day of the vote they did a two page spread of him at home with his family.
It was pathetic stuff, all about how he was a family man and wanted to spread family values about the bowling club.48 You didn’t have to be a genius to see what they were saying. It was a clear dig about me and the main policies of my campaign. Especially Bob’s Saucy Singles Hour (midnight on Saturdays with the floodlights off) and Wonderbra Wednesdays.
The paper even threw in a scare story that I was wanting to sell my cheeseburgers inside the club which was total bollocks. Maybe I’d have stuck a van in the car park but that would have been it. Needless to say Archie romped home and the club’s not been the same since. But that’s politics Natalia, that’s what it does to people. Let’s hope neither candidate pulls a trick like that tonight.
Thinking of you (not in a seedy way),
Bob
PS I am so sorry to hear about the homeless man dying. Well done, though, on bravely dancing your worries away. And you’re bang on the money with the apples.
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From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Subject: My Lovely
Bob,
Today I have risen with thoughts of you also. I wish very much to join you in this talk of America. I will watch the election tonight and think of you all the time. I hope it is to be President Obama for you! My grandmother and I often speak that I would be the good wife. I dream of caring of you and to bring pleasure in your life.
I hope, what you Bob have the same sights on me. My grandmother and I talk every day. She is world to me. I shall think of you for the election tonight.
Natalia.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Subject: A historical day
Natalia,
Obama’s in the White House and Frank’s in the Dog House. He’s got a real thing for Obama’s missus and for me he completely spoilt Stewpot’s Election Night Party. Stewpot put in a lot of effort too. He had a big tray of hotdogs which he would bring out from the under the bar whenever Slim Smith went to the toilet, and he was even wearing a baseball cap.
But then Obama’s wife came on the screen and Frank started trying to make all these jokes. At first it was OK, it was just stuff like – she’d get my vote, or now that’s what I call a candidate, or she’s my First Lady. But then he started trying to do jokes around ‘the ayes have it’, hanging chads, and ballot boxes and Stewpot quite rightly sent him out to the car park to cool off.
Other than that, it was a momentous day and we were all very happy. Chappy said it’s a bit like when Broughty Ferry Bowling club first started letting in members from Monifieth. He said for the first few years it was an apartheid system. The Monifieth boys would go and change round the back in the bramble bushes and they’d never get a slot on Saturday mornings.
But then one morning a guy from Monifieth called Ronnie Parkes walked right into the men’s changing room, took out his trainers and said, “I’m changing right here”. No one could believe it, but from then on everyone came to their senses and allowed the Monifieth boys full membership. I’ve always said that when I see a bowler, I see a bowler, I don’t care where they’re from and I like to think that it’s only a few extremists that would disagree with me.
If only the whole world could take a leaf out of the Bowling Club’s book then maybe there wouldn’t be so many scraps. Tell me Natalia, did you and your grandmother have a good night together? Now that the election is over, then maybe we should cut to the chase. You know what I’m saying don’t you? I like you Natalia and I’m damn sure you like me. Let’s take a leaf from Obama’s book shall we? Can we be together? Yes we can.
Bob
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From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Subject: My abilities
Hi Bob!
Thank you. The election was exciting. My work is finished earlier and I, having written to you this letter, I shall prepare for a dinner for my favourite grandmother. My grandmother is sick a little and today to me to prepare a dinner like she taught me. Today I shall prepare the chinese hen and vegetable salad. Probably you Bob, love the tasty foodstuffs. We have proverb; “the way to heart of the man – passes through his stomach!” Therefore Bob, I shall reach to your heart with the help of my culinary abilities. It is a joke!!! Now I go on kitchen. I hope, my grandmother will be pleased. She is a little sick and I am scared some for her. With melancholy and ideas on you,
Natalia.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Subject: Your Granny is Hen Mad
Natalia,
This is definitely the last thing I’ll say on Obama (because we need to start seriously discussing our future) but it’s great to read how importantly he’s going to take the environment. That is something very close to my heart. Broughty Ferry is a beautiful place and I have always said that it sh
ould be protected. Now, the boo boys would maybe have a wee pop at me for saying that. They’d probably start talking about how I used to empty the fat tray into the harbour from the cheeseburgers van but I did that as a public service. The kids used to absolutely love the patterns that the oil made in the water. Fair enough, they got pretty upset when that swan died, but no-one ever proved the connection as far as I’m concerned.
By the way, thanks a lot for that joke. It was absolutely top class. If you keep them coming then we’ll get along just fine. I hope that your meal with your grandmother went well. She sounds like a real character and I’m sure she enjoyed her Chinese hen. She bloody loves that stuff and she always has. I remember one time she was getting stuck into a massive bowl of Chinese hen and I said to her - “You’re going to turn into a hen one of these days” and she looked up, with Chinese hen all over her face and said, “Fuck off Bob”. But that’s her all over, she’s just very good fun. And she loves eating hens. I have attached a photo of a Scottish Hen, remember when he bought the bubble car?!
Bob
IMAGE REMOVED49
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From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I think of you
Lovely Bob,
With pleasure has read your letter and your lovely photo. Your letter was such warm, that has kindled ice of loneliness, which by a heavy cargo laid on my heart. I love to dance and I dream that sometime I shall dance a waltz together with you. It will look so romantically. You imagine, in a black tuxedo, me in a white dress we softly addressed to each other in eyes. You would like to dance with me a waltz?
Bob, yesterday my grandmother was pleased with the dinner I to prepare. She consider that I should be the cook. It is very pleasant for me and to see that she is not so sick today. On this optimistic note I finish the letter,
Natalia.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Subject: CHAPPY COMES UP TRUMPS AGAIN
Natalia,
A photo?! Christ, cameras in Russia must be pretty basic. I loved your waltz fantasy. I would give everything that I own to dance a waltz with you at a big fancy do full of big wigs. Imagine, my dear - you in a cocktail dress and myself in an old, ill-fitting tuxedo far too tight around my bottom that hitched half-way up my shins as I walked, and made it difficult for me to breathe.
Picture us dancing – you trying some special Russian moves you learnt at your dance class and me sweating heavily and shuffling around the place suspiciously as I cough up blood and stand with my hands on my knees, panting and swearing loudly. It would be so beautiful Natalia, a real fairy-tale ending to this whole courting business.
Oh Natalia, what’s it all about? I’m so bored today I nearly watched Doctors on BBC1. I’d love to know how many people top themselves immediately after watching Doctors – I bet there’s bloody hundreds. I said this the other day to Tommy Peanuts at Stewpot’s and he said that this was irony, but then Chappy Williams went all angry saying that wasn’t irony at all and how people are always calling stuff ironic that isn’t and the two of them had a right old barney while I played the quiz machine.
After they’d calmed down we talked about what programmes we thought people might have watched before topping themselves. I said Doctors or the Jeremy Kyle Show. Tommy said Celebrity Ballroom Dancing. Chappy said Crimewatch because if the person saw themselves on it and realised that the game was up then they’d maybe just kill themselves. I thought that was pretty clever, but Chappy’s not a stupid guy. He wears glasses. Any thoughts at your end?
All the best,
Bob
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From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I’m not lonely
Hi my lovely friend Bob.
I with the large pleasure have read your letter. I hope that you do not have problems with health and that’s all right at job. My grandmother has bad health and I do not want you, my other kindness, to suffer also. I today have visited church and has put a candle, that you always were accompanied with good luck. I also put candle for my grandmother. I must go now to care for her.
Yours, Natalia.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Subject: Triple Decker
Natalia,
How’s tricks badgerface? I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother. I hope she doesn’t get ill in such a way that would mean you’d have to ask me for a few quid. Though I’m sure that won’t happen. What you thinking for dinner? I’m going to pop out for a quick couple of liveners then am tempted to head up to Khan’s for a triple decker – Shish kebab on top of Donner kebab on top of chips. Then I cover the lot in mayonnaise and pour it down the front of my pants while the waiters massage my bare back and sing ‘Some guys have all the luck’.
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
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From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Bob!
Greetings Bob
It sounds nice what you will do but there is a drama here now. My grandmother is in hospital in a critical condition. The doctor gives us the list which we should buy medicines and have told, that it should buy all immediately. To grandmother should perform operation. And we do not have money to perform this operation.
Hospitals in the country poor and there not anything there, are not present even tie up also bed-clothes. The doctor has told, that it he helps, all than can, but it he cannot to buy it directly. If we do not buy everything, that it he has told in time, that grandmother die. I do not know, that I then shall make, mine grandmother most the best person in my life.
I in such mad condition a condition that I seem that this dream. It cannot be. Mine grandmother can die on my eyes. We have already spent all money which we had for this purpose. Sold and incorporated everything, that were capable.
You can help us, mine are loved favourite the person, except for you at me not who is not present, you to me the closest person. I cannot leave abandon my grandmother, help me please my love. I very much strongly love you. And we required beside $450US more, and we do not know from where we can have it.
Natalia
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From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Subject: In Your Time of Darkness Bob Servant Comes To Thee..
My Darling,
This is terrible, terrible news. Who could have seen this coming? It’s a bolt from the blue Natalia, no doubt about it. Your Grandmother is a fantastic little chap. Tell her to be strong and, for all our sakes, to hang on. Because……….I AM COMING TO SAVE YOU
That’s right Natalia, I’m coming to Russia! It’s what Obama would want. Yes we can. Tell me what medicines your Grandmother needs asap. I know a guy called Jimmy Golac that works in the chemist in the High Street. He only works out the back, taking in deliveries, but he sells boxes of anti-depressants to taxi drivers (and Frank) down at Stewpot’s Bar for a fiver. I’m sure he will be able to sort me out.
Also, does she have enough blankets? It is VERY IMPORTANT that she is warm enough in the hospital and I should imagine that at this time of year it’s fucking freezing over there. I have got three blankets and a spare duvet. It’s a Superman one (I got it free with coupons from 20 boxes of Frosties back in ’95) and I have attached a photo. Let me know if you want me to bring it. Maybe she’ll get superpowers!
The other thing I was thinking was how am I going to get about in Russia? I am worried that if I get a bus or taxi I could be kidnapped by terrorists. I was thinking that probably the most obvious suggestion was that I could use inline roller skates? I won a pair in a tombola at the Rotary Club Dinner in 2003 before I was thrown out the Club for an attempted coup d’etat. I’ve never used them but I think I could pick it up
OK. I’ve put them in the photo as well.
I am going to the travel agents this afternoon. Yours with love and the deepest concern for your failing Grandmother. Can we save Natalia’s grandmother? Yes we can.
Bob Servant x x
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From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Hello
Hello My Love Bob.
I am glad that you to want to arrive to me to Russia. But still, that to you to tell, Russia the dangerous country with terror and murder frequently to kidnap and then them not who does not find. Militiamen poorly badly work for us and allow gangsters. I see many people who are vagabonds or pumped up by drugs or that are the skinhead. These are very bad and terrible people. I ask you to think and make the correct decision well. Buying the medicine would be better and faster. It is just $450 and for a businessman like you this might be OK?
Natalia
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From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Subject: These Colours Don’t Run
Natalia,
Russia sounds really terrible. I can understand your fear for me but I would be a coward of a man if I refused to come there just because I was a scaredy cat. I am a tough man Natalia, a real hard nut, and I am going to take those mothers down. I am also very interested in your country, ever since watching films such as Russian Roulette, The Hunt for Red October and The Italian Job. I have enclosed photos of my tools for the trip. This is what I would bring to Russia to protect both myself, you and your IMMEDIATE family. (I’m not taken a hiding for cousins.)
Your grandmother is clearly the priority. Where do you live exactly Natalia, and do I need any jabs?
Bob
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From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Hello
Bob,
My grandmother is very sick, you must send the money for the medicine or the doctor says she will die. You can visit later to me or I come to your country. I have seen your country on TV and it pleases me. For now we must have $450US for medicine. You must show you are serious.