Delete This at Your Peril
Page 19
It is hard for me to take too much time away from work so I am not so sure that I can come with the pots. So please make sure everything is in good position and advise me when you can make a payment.
Peter
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From: Bob Servant
To: Peter Anderson
Subject: Hello Peter
Peter,
You can come?! That is great news. I am very excited and so is Frank. I just phoned him, he was driving back from the casino but he shouted ‘That’s great news Bob, tell Peter I can’t wait to meet him and his pots but if the pots are no good I’ll shove them up his’ before he got cut off by the Tannadice tunnel.
Peter, I would like to take this opportunity to formally invite you to stay at my house. I have attached a photo. I don’t know if it’s the kind of set-up you’ll be used to but the one thing I can guarantee is ‘fun’.
I can’t wait to see you and the pots. Peter and his magnificent pots. Potty Peter. Peter Pots.
Bob
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From: Peter Anderson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Re: Hello Peter
Hello Bob,
I’m happy as well receiving your mail, how is your business and Frank hope everything is good. Well Ok then Bob I will come with the pots. It is a nice offer that you have made and your house looks nice. I will come by plane with the pots and I know the airline through business so I will not have to buy a ticket.
Bob I advise you to send the $10,000 by Western Union or by money gramm money transfer. Here is company cashier information to use
Name:
City: Lagos
Test Qeustion: From
Answer: Bob
Thanks,
Peter Anderson.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Peter Anderson
Subject: HUNKY PETER’S BIG WEEK WITH BOB AND FRANK
Hi Peter,
I’m just trying to knock out the plan for your trip here. Have a little look at it. It’s only a rough draft so if there’s anything you’re not happy with let me know.
DAY ONE
Peter arrives. A day of relaxation where Peter is left to chill out and have naps. Bob occasionally pops into his room to see if he’s OK. If he wants then Bob could massage his feet, or bring him snacks. In the evening Frank comes round to the house and they all get to know each other. We have a light dinner of fritter rolls from Maciocia’s chip shop and then retire to the jacuzzi with some Ribena, a large trifle and over 400 jazz mags.
DAY TWO
Time to get ‘potty’. Peter, Frank and Bob go to Dawson Park and oversee the installation of the pots. Peter checks the pots and makes sure they aren’t damaged. Bob and Frank watch him closely, not because they suspect he is up to no good but because they will be admiring a man at the top of his game, doing the thing he loves. Peter then gives Bob and Frank a brief description of the pots, what they like and don’t like, and the best way of looking after them. Peter then joins Frank, Bob, Chappy Williams and Tommy Peanuts for a curry at the Gullistan. Chappy to do the toast and Tommy to do the after-dinner speech as long he promises not to make fun of Bob because it’s him that has set the whole thing up.
DAY THREE
Peter and Bob go on a daytrip to the Camperdown Zoo. Bob makes sandwiches, Peter to choose filling. If it’s sunny we have a picnic, if it’s raining we will eat the food under one of the wooden ships. We talk about parks and funny things that have happened to us in parks.
DAY FOUR
Potty Peter’s Media blitz. Peter is guest on Radio Tay’s breakfast show where he tells funny stories about pots and about how Bob is a good guy. He then goes into town (taxi with Bob, the two of them to go halfers on the fare) where he does interviews for the Dundee Courier and the Evening Telegraph. During the Evening Telegraph interview Peter lets slip that he has new evidence that strongly suggests a group of gypsies stole Bob’s ladders in 1996.
DAY FIVE
Final preparations. Peter, Bob and Frank go up to Dawson Park, roll their sleeves up and make any last minute adjustments needed. Then some role play, with Peter pretending to be a passer-by and testing the various pots to make sure his hand doesn’t get stuck in any of them. Peter to check every single pot and then to do so again wearing a glove. Bob and Frank to wait for him in the beer garden at the Taychreggan Hotel next to the park. Bob and Frank to give Peter a torch in case it gets dark before he’s finished.
DAY SIX
Launch Day! Party, Party, Party. Bob to wake Peter up with a bacon roll and small glass of sherry to get him in the zone then we’re off up to Dawson Park to get ready for the crowds and support Frank. When the crowds come, Bob and Peter to control the pots, checking everyone is happy and using the pots correctly. Then Frank to give a speech in which he mentions Bob and Peter and clearly notes the work that both have put in. Peter to then make a short speech including some jokes but mostly serious and talking about the pots and what they have been through to be with us in Dawson Park. Bob to then make a short speech that brings the house down.
DAY SEVEN
The blow out. Bob, Peter, Frank, Chappy and Tommy to go out on the town. Bob and Peter to wear matching denim and casual jackets and to spend most of the night together. Bob to get women over and Peter to tell them interesting stories and jokes and also to tell them that Bob is a great guy and to mention about how Bob is worth a few quid but doesn’t like to talk about it.
DAY EIGHT
Peter leaves first thing for the airport with Frank driving him. Bob to come only if head not too sore.
What do you think Peter, all OK?
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From: Peter Anderson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: OK apart from second last!
Hello Bob,
Yes this all looks fine and I think we will have a lot of fun as well as working hard to make success. Please speak to Frank and get the money so we can get started and make this great dream of ours a reality. There is only one problem with your plan Bob because I am married as I have told you and do not participate in women affairs thank you. Otherwise I am looking forward to hear from you soonest.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Peter Anderson
Subject: Hook a brother up?
Peter,
Give me a break here. I am a single guy and am constantly looking for skirt. There are a lot of opportunities for this in Broughty Ferry, more than you’d think. There’s the bowling club coffee morning on a Tuesday and the fortnightly Car Boot Sale on the Esplanade. Of course, the big one is the Limbo Walking Club’s Annual Walk-Off but I picked up a lifetime ban from that lot over the whole 2002 clean-up campaign mix-up.53
I need a wingman Peter and I thought that you could be that guy. You’re a handsome devil and I know that the birds here would think you were a right James Bond with all your foreign travel and stuff. Christ, you should have seen when Chappy Williams came back from seeing his brother in Australia. The birds threw themselves at him, it was like he was Christopher Fucking Columbus when, in actual fact, he’d got the tickets free with his Hoover.
Are you up for hitting the town when you’re here and we can see if our luck’s in? I bet you’re a confident bugger. Also, what kind of food do you like?
Thanks,
Bob
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From: Peter Anderson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: OK
Bob,
If it is a party then of course I will talk to women and if it helps you out then better for all. Regarding food there is an old adage that says when in Rome you do as Romans do, as for me I like what ever that will be good for Bob.
Now please Bob, do you have the money to send by Western Union? The boys are waiting to start but I can not
keep them from other jobs for long?
Peter
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From: Bob Servant
To: Peter Anderson
Subject: Book
Peter,
A strange thing has happened. I got talking to this kid. He’s a weird one, I used to go to his house to do his windows and I sometimes see him skulking about the pubs and so on. Anyway, turns out he’s a writer and he reckons that there could be something in all this emailing that I’ve been doing. He’s been going through it all and thinks he’s going to stick the whole lot in a bloody book and get in the shops and so on.
What do you think? Sounds a bit dodgy to me,
Bob
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From: Peter Anderson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Western Union
Bob,
YOU MUST GO TO WESTERN UNION. Yes books are great things but we must concentrate on the matter in hand.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Peter Anderson
Subject: It’s Goodbye from Bobby Boy
Peter.
Or I could be saying Jack, or Jean, Alexandra, Colin, Joseph, Benjamin or so many, many others. My God Peter I’ve had some fun. It’s only now, when this kid Forsyth’s been here and poking through my stuff that I can see how long I’ve been writing to you lot. It seems like yesterday that I nearly got hold of some golden lions, but turns out I’ve been messing about with you boys for months and months. I can’t really remember a lot of it if I’m honest with you, just that we chatted about the Ferry and Frank and the rest of the lads.
But anyway, he reckons that he has enough for the book and I should stop now for the sake of my mental health. He says he’s going to take me up to Doc Ferry’s and get the drinks in but I think he’s one of those boys that gives it that and then suddenly his pockets are superglued after two rounds.54
I suppose we’ll just have to see how we go. Good luck my friend, and if you see any of the rest of them tell them old Bobby Boy passes on his best. Tell them it was just a bit of fun, something to wrap up the nights. Christ only knows, the nights get long.
Sleep tight my friend, keep smiling.
Your Servant,
Bob Servant.
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From: Peter Anderson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: LAST CHANCE
Bob,
Do you want the pots or not? I need an answer now. I will wait for an hour and then you will missed your chance.
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No Reply
51. Image of an extremely dashing gentleman removed for legal reasons.
52. It should be made clear that this is purely Bob’s opinion on the STV weekly show Scotsport. Dougie Donnelly is a long-standing employee of the BBC and, as such, is unlikely to be contractually capable of taking up Bob’s suggestion. Whether he would wish to do so, however, is another matter entirely.
53. The Broughty Ferry Gazette of 27 March 2002 carried a headline of ‘Limbo Walking Club Treasurer in Embezzlement Outrage’ and included a suggestion from a Mr Robert Servant (48) that he had seen Hamish Instrell, the treasurer of the local Limbo Walking Club, drinking cocktails in the West Indies on a television documentary just days after the Club had reported it was in a financial crisis after poor T-shirt sales. The Broughty Ferry Gazette of 28 March 2002 carried a full-page apology to the Limbo Walking Club and Mr Instrell that included a report that a Mr Robert Servant (57) had in fact been watching the feature film ‘Cocktail’ whilst heavily inebriated and mistook one of the film’s actors for Mr Instrell.
54. For the record, on that particular evening I bought Bob eight drinks, lent him £5 for a kebab and bought two pornographic magazines at his request from the Shell Garage in Broughty Ferry.
Acknowledgements
Thanks to David Riding and all at MBA, everyone at Birlinn, Jane Stiller, Natasha Martin, to those who generously allowed me to use their images in such absurd ways – Dennis Cox, Tony Northrup, Ansa Bulfone, Marion Boddy-Evans, Tom Nardone, Jane Tonnfeldt, Dundee United, Jayne Cremasco and Joie Leung – and to my family and my pals. And to old men in bars.
And now to Bob. I have been trying for the last week to ascertain if he wished to thank anyone and it’s turned into a torturous task, which peaked in intensity yesterday. A regrettable run of events commenced in mid-morning, when Bob called, in fine form I should say, to give me three names: Tommy Peanuts, Chappy Williams and Frank The Plank (otherwise known as Frank Theplank).
‘They’re my best mates,’ he explained, ‘and they deserve everything they get.’
In the three went, only for Bob to call in the early afternoon from Broughty Ferry, absolutely furious. Chappy Williams had just played a cruel joke on him in Stewpot’s Bar, swapping the salt in the shaker on Bob’s table for sugar and allowing Bob to apply a typically liberal dose to his scampi and chips.
‘I knew something was wrong straight away,’ Bob revealed as he waited patiently at the Gray Street level crossing, ‘but I kept my dignity and ate the whole lot. I was going to try and say something to Chappy about being sweet enough already but I just left it and I’m going home with my head held high. But I want him out right now, Neil, right bloody now.’
I accepted Bob’s decision without question and all was quiet until dinnertime, when Bob called again. There was a distinctive echo and he disclosed that he was calling from a toilet cubicle at Doc Ferry’s bar.
‘Take Tommy out,’ he whispered urgently, ‘he just pulled away my stool as I went to sit down with a couple of birds. I looked like a fucking idiot and I’ve got a really sore back.’
So we were down to Frank The Plank. But, less than an hour later, Bob was on the phone again. Frank was also to be ejected, he declared, as he had just looked out of the window at Doc Ferry’s and spotted Frank wearing Bob’s favourite jumper on a passing bus.
‘I said he could have it for a week for his birthday,’ Bob told me gravely, ‘but that was nearly a month ago.’
At this point I was under pressure, with the book’s text needing to be submitted first thing this morning to the printer’s. And so it was with some consternation that I received a stream of calls from Bob last night. I loyally noted each in turn, and here they are:
8.25 p.m. Bob calls to say that Tommy Peanuts, Chappy Williams and Frank The Plank are all to be immediately reinstated in the book’s acknowledgement section after the four gather in Doc Ferry’s bar and are ‘getting on great guns’.
8.27 p.m. Bob calls to request Tommy Peanuts be removed from the book’s acknowledgement section with immediate effect after Tommy comments twice within a minute that Bob’s hair ‘looks like women’s hair’.
9.26 p.m. Bob calls to request Chappy Williams be removed from the book’s acknowledgement section with immediate effect. Chappy told Bob that a man who entered the bar was his friend Dave and that Bob would like him and should go and say hello. When Bob approached the man and introduced himself he quickly realised that Chappy did not know the man and the man was not called Dave. Chappy had fabricated both facts for his own amusement, and also that of Tommy Peanuts and Frank The Plank.
10.36 p.m. Bob calls to request Frank The Plank be removed from the book’s acknowledgement section with immediate effect. Apparently Frank is still wearing Bob’s jumper. ‘I knew something was up,’ says Bob, ‘because he’s had his jacket on all night and has been sweating like something else. I caught him outside with his jacket unzipped and fanning himself with the lunch menu. The guy’s a snake.’
11.10 p.m. Bob calls to request Tommy Peanuts, Chappy Williams and Frank The Plank be reinstated in the book’s acknowledgement section with immediate effect after the three surprise Bob with the gift of a special chocolate cigar.
11.12 p.m. Bob calls to firmly request that Tommy Peanuts, Chappy Williams and Frank The Plank b
e removed from the book’s acknowledgement section with immediate effect. He is phoning once again from the toilet cubicle and, in the midst of a disconcerting gagging sequence, reveals that the chocolate cigar was just a normal cigar that Tommy had placed in a used Mars Bar wrapper.
It was during this final call that Bob made a startling announcement.
‘They’re all bastards, Neil,’ he shouted, his voice reverberating sternly amongst the tiling. ‘And I want you to write that.’
‘Are you sure, Bob?’ I asked politely. ‘That’ll be the end of the book.’
‘Do it,’ he said, quieter and with magnificent poise, before the gagging returned and the phone died.
So there you go – that is that, the end.
They’re all bastards.
Neil Forsyth, London,
July 2007