Supersonic

by Anouschka Zagorski

  “Chloé, I always say that, in situations like this, women stick together. They have to! It’s the unwritten sister code. Nonetheless I think that’s really great of your boss.”

  “Yes I know! Oh Alexia, what am I going to do? I could just cry the whole time.”

  “I understand, believe me. But there is no point. Like most men, Hugo seems to be able, just like that, to press a switch and immediately start a new life with a different woman. Every time this happens I am amazed how men can do that. They don’t reflect on things, let alone on themselves.”

  “What do you mean start a new life with her? Have you seen her?”

  “No, I refuse to. But apparently he took her to Will’s last night. Alex was there. As you know, my husband does not talk much but my impression was Hugo is committed to her and is prepared to introduce her to everybody.”

  “What? Already? But they can’t have known each other for more than a couple of days!”

  “Actually, Alex said that Hugo mentioned that they met at that wine festival.”

  “Oh my god. That was the day after we had agreed to go on a two week break.”

  “See? I told you. They can switch just like that. By the way, Sabrina was there as well. Maybe she can tell you more.”

  Will was Alex’s work partner and Sabrina his fiancée. The invitation to their upcoming wedding, addressed to Hugo and me together, was at home. Marie and Noëlle were to be flower girls at the wedding and I had secretly planned with Will’s brother Robert to sing Will and Sabrina a song at the reception with Robert accompanying me on the piano.

  “Good idea. I’m meeting up with Sabrina anyway this week, when she has her last fitting, to pick up the girls’ dresses.”

  “Just do me a favour please. Focus on yourself from now on. We are going out Saturday night! There - don’t argue! Until then cry all your tears, get drunk, whatever, but let it all out!”

  I laughed reluctantly. “Yes, Ma’am!”

  * * *

  I followed Alexia’s advice. I was actually able, after a few days of suffering, to pull myself together and follow my usual zest for action. I was even able to enter a bridal shop without having a nervous breakdown. Of course it didn’t hurt that the shop owner had offered Sabrina and me a glass of champagne.

  “Oh Sabrina, you look divine!” I exclaimed when she stepped out of the changing room.

  She beamed. “Do you really think so?”

  “Of course! You look like a princess - not tacky at all! All those little sparkling rhinestones make you look like you’re out of a fairy tale!”

  “These are all tiny Swarovski stones!” Sabrina explained. She turned with her back to the mirror and looked over her shoulder. “It’s so gorgeous, from behind too - I love this train,” she added.

  “When I look at you like this, it puts me in the mood to get married again!” Hello? Did I just say that?

  “You know, sweetie - I’m sure things are going to work out with Hugo,” Sabrina encouraged me. “That girl is not for him - she’s got nothing on you!”

  At that moment I had had an epiphany. Or was it that I had made a decision?

  “Sabrina, I’m going to get married next year. If it’s not to Hugo, then it’ll be to somebody else. I can’t tell you why but I just know it,” I declared. Lars still hadn’t stopped calling and was begging to see me again.

  “Then that’s the way it will be! I’m so excited!” Sabrina clapped enthusiastically.

  I raised my glass at her and took a large sip. “Indeed so be it! First - it’s your turn! Oh, it will be such a lovely wedding!”

  She chuckled. “I can’t wait! Do you already know what you’re going to wear on our day?”

  “I ordered a plum-coloured Vera Wang bustier dress at Net-A-Porter and had it delivered to the office. I immediately tried it on in the ladies’, totally gaga!” I laughed. Then a thought crossed my mind. “Tell me - did Hugo RSVP?”

  She looked at me anxiously. “Yes, he is coming, Chloé, but we told him he can’t bring her. Is that OK? We could hardly disinvite him.”

  I swallowed. “It’s your wedding, of course he must come. It would be considerate if he came without her, also because Noëlle and Marie will be there, and they would be shocked and disturbed - but that’s his decision.”

  “Do you want to bring anybody? We are quite full already but if you want to, and if it makes you feel better about seeing Hugo-”

  “No, no. Thank you so much for the offer, but no. That would be so obvious and pathetic - and beneath me. No, it’ll be just me and the girls.”

  “Those two will look so cute in their long white flower girl dresses! By the way, where are they? How are they keeping up?”

  “At home with Jana. School is out for the summer. Noëlle is quite ok I think - or at least she doesn’t show if she’s upset. However, Marie has these moments when she cries for no reason and she’s having trouble sleeping. She feels that I am not well and it unsettles her. I try not to let it show too much in front of the girls but it’s an undeniable fact. Hugo is gone and we miss him.”

  I looked through the shop window to the street outside and, for a moment, I wished Hugo would come into the shop, get down on one knee, ask me first for forgiveness and then for my hand in marriage - just like in some Hollywood extravaganza. Instead, my blackberry drew my attention by vividly blinking its red light.

  “I think I have to get back to the office. Tracey is still going easy on me with new things but my ongoing deals have not yet closed.”

  Sabrina contemplated herself in the mirror. “Urgh, always that stupid office. Once we’re married I will stop working. Will and I want to concentrate fully on having children,” she declared.

  “Really? Don’t you want to keep some independence? Do you always want to have to ask him, when you want to buy something nice for yourself? I admit, the job is sometimes annoying but it’s also fulfilling to enjoy the success.”

  She pouted. “Nah. He can work and earn money for both of us. I’ll do everything else for him. One miscarriage was enough. I don’t want to risk that again.”

  I hugged her carefully so as not to put creases in the dress. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I didn’t mean it in that way. I’m sure you will both be even happier when you have a child together. I just know that you will be a wonderful mother.”

  She still had plenty of time - she was only thirty, ten years younger than me. I thought of Hugo’s new girlfriend. Twenty-six! And he was already almost thirty-seven, so ten years older than her. Such a large age gap was of course no problem from a man’s perspective. If I showed up with a new boyfriend who was only thirty, everybody would bitch about me behind my back. Alexia was also ten years older than Alex, and even though she looked much younger than her age - sometimes even younger than him - it did seem to make a difference in the way they are viewed by others.

  “In principle it makes no difference at all,” Isabella objected when I talked to her about it later on. “I’m six years older than my husband. So what? Now stop reducing yourself to the role of the old abandoned woman. In particular, stop behaving like a victim. You’re not a victim. You’re no longer the little girl who was abandoned by her father. You decide who is allowed to stay in your life and who isn’t.”

  “Yes. I know. I’m just afraid of running into Hugo and her at the wedding - or anywhere else for that matter.”

  “Forget about him! He doesn’t get you at all. He never did. As for her - she is probably afraid of you. You grasp things so quickly that others find it hard to follow - which applies also, and in particular, to Hugo. You’re not just quick - you are supersonic! You are Mrs. Supersonic! Now call him and tell him you are absolutely fine with him coming to that wedding, with or without that bimbo. Turn the tables on him.”

  No sooner said than done. Thankfully, I only reach
ed his mailbox. I left the message I had prepared, my voice trembling only slightly. It was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Hugo had indeed never understood who I was. I had to guide him through his life while dealing with my issues by myself. I could rarely lean on his shoulder or even be weak - he wouldn’t be able to cope. The more I tried to fulfil his expectations of physical perfection, the less depth our relationship had and the more distant I grew. That was another reason for my escapades. When you’re not happy and loved, you cheat. You look for something that your partner cannot give you. It becomes a vicious circle. Both of you change and then, one day, one of you will get out. The other one is left out in the cold but still has the possibility to rise like a phoenix from the ashes. Which was my plan exactly.

  * * *

  Contrary to all forecasts, the sun shone brightly on Sabrina and Will’s wedding day. Nonetheless I was shivering out of nervousness. I was waiting with the children in front of the church for Sabrina to arrive.

  “Don’t forget, girls - walk slowly in front of Sabrina and stay next to each other, OK?” I reminded them with chattering teeth and fumbled with Marie’s floral headdress.

  She disengaged from my grip. “Stop, Mummy, it’s ok - Hugo!” she suddenly exclaimed and, laughing, ran towards Hugo who was approaching us, holding his arms wide open. He caught Marie in his arms, then Noëlle who had followed her. I stood still. My heart was beating fast. Calm down, Chloé. Keep cool, I told myself. I forced a nonchalant smile. “Hi.”

  He laughed sheepishly. “All three of you look so beautiful!” he declared and twirled Marie around.

  She firmly put her little arms around him. “Hugo, we missed you so much!” she exclaimed.

  “I missed you too!” He still didn’t look at me but, instead, planted a big kiss on her cheek, letting her down carefully.

  Noëlle took his hand. “Are you going to come home now?”

  Hugo bent his knees until his head was at the same level as hers and took her other hand. “Not now, sweetheart. I have to live in my house for now. But I will come and see you soon, OK?”

  “OK.” Noëlle replied slowly, visibly disappointed.

  Suddenly Hugo’s mobile rang. He got up from his knees and reached for his pocket.

  “Angel!” he shouted enthusiastically into the phone. Then he saw my face. That had always been his pet name for me. Now he had given her the same name. I snorted, slightly shaking my head. He blushed and walked away towards the church entrance, still talking on his mobile.

  “Come on, girls.” I took Marie and Noëlle by the hand and led them to the curb. “I think Sabrina’s car is arriving.” Indeed, a dark limousine stopped in front of us. She let the rear window down and waved to us.

  “Chloé! I’m so nervous - I feel sick,” she moaned.

  “In that case I have the perfect remedy for you,” I replied and took a small hip flask from my Prada clutch. I unscrewed it and offered it to her. “Here, take a sip of vodka - I brought this just for you, in case your nerves were going to falter.”

  She looked at me with horror. “Oh, no, no! I promised Will not to drink anything before the ceremony!”

  “Rubbish! He won’t be able to smell the Vodka on your breath! It’s better than vomiting, out of nerves, in the middle of the church!”

  “Oh, alright.” She took a sip. “Hmm, you are right. That’s good!” She grinned. “I think I’m ready now.” She turned to her father who had followed our short conversation with amusement. “Let’s go, Dad! Are you ready, girls?” she asked Marie and Noëlle who nodded enthusiastically.

  “Fine. Then I will go ahead and let Will know that the bridal party is ready,” I said.

  I looked at the open church doors. We could hear that the organ music had started. Hugo must have gone inside. Good. I had no appetite for another confrontation. I tightened my shoulders, pulled my shawl around them and walked towards the entrance all alone.

  Next year, I thought. Next year.

  * * *

  I took the microphone and cleared my throat. “Good evening. May I have your attention, please?”

  Everybody fell silent. The last course of the wedding dinner had just finished; the speeches had been given. Will and Sabrina watched me curiously. At the adjacent table, Hugo seemed to stare at me with his mouth open. I tried to tune him out and addressed the bridal couple.

  “Dear Sabrina, dear Will. Robert and I want to give you a special present today - a song that reminds us of your love. This is your song. Please bear with us as we did not have much time to rehearse.”

  I walked onto the stage, where the band had set up, and joined Robert who was already seated at the grand piano. I turned around and nodded at him. He started playing the introductory chords. I inhaled deeply and began to sing the beautiful words from Alicia Keys’ If I Ain’t Got You.

  My song was for Sabrina and Will but I also sang to Hugo. It was my goodbye song for him. While I sang I felt that it wasn’t so difficult to say goodbye. I thought of his silly speech about Ferraris and Volkswagen buses. I realised, if you want to drive an exclusive and fast car then you must be able to afford it, look after it and drive it properly. Sadly, Dr. Hugo Walther was just not up to it. But I knew who was.

  As soon as I had finished the song, and had hugged a very moved Sabrina and Will, I checked on the girls and went outside. I waived to Alexia and Alex smoking on the terrace and found a quiet corner. My clutch was big enough so that I had brought both phones. I took my blackberry that held Lars’ contact details and dialled his mobile.

  He picked it up straightaway. “Is that who I think it is?”

  “Hi. How are you? Are you busy?”

  “Actually, I just came back from dinner with my kids. I took them back to my ex-wife in my ex-house and now I’m alone and about to open a bottle of very expensive wine. Why? Are you lonely and finally willing to see me?”

  “Hm, maybe. I’m at this wedding.”

  “Sounds dreadful. I don’t know why women are so crazy about weddings. Weddings are so boring - bad speeches, bad food, bad wine and bad company. At my house, there’s good wine and even better company.”

  “Well - I’m not crazy about weddings either. Your idea is tempting, but I’ve got the girls with me and no babysitter.”

  “Then I’ll come to your house. In one hour?”

  The hell why not? I had had enough of feeling miserable. Lars was sexy, successful and a real man. “Make it an hour and a half. I’ll text you the address. When you’re there, don’t ring the doorbell - text me instead.”

  “As your highness wishes. See you later, gorgeous.” We hung up.

  I walked back inside and made my way to the children’s table, where the girls were still playing Nintendo with Alexia’s son. “Darlings, it’s getting late. Come with me to say goodbye to Will and Sabrina. Simon, your parents are on the terrace.”

  “OK, Mumma,” Noëlle said. She shot a stern glance at her sister. “I think Marie is tired anyway.”

  Marie stifled a yawn. “I’m not tired!”

  “I think maybe you’re both tired.”

  “Mummy, your song was so beautiful!” Marie said. She got off her chair and reached for my hand. “Will you sing it to me again when I’m in bed?”

  “Of course, my love. I’d be happy to.”

  We made our excuses to Will and Sabrina and took a taxi home. After I had gotten Marie ready for bed and tucked both of them in with a kiss, I duly gave a subdued rendition of my earlier performance while stroking Marie’s curls.

  “Thank you, Mummy. Good night,” she murmured, nearly asleep. I tiptoed out of their bedroom and left the door ajar. I checked my watch. I had perhaps ten minutes if Lars was on time. Suddenly I felt unsure whether I still wanted him there. What if this was just a booty call? I shook off that thought. He wasn’t real
ly that kind of guy and I wasn’t really that kind of woman. This was more. This had real potential. I went to check my blackberry. He had just sent a text. Am outside. My heart beat faster. Then I heard a very quiet knock on the front door. I went to open it. He was leaning against the doorframe, a bottle of champagne dangling from his left hand.

  “Wow. What a dress.” He looked me up and down.

  “Oh this old thing,” I giggled. “Come in.”

  “Don’t mind if I do.” He grabbed me by the waist with his right hand, pulled me towards him and kissed me.

  “I’ve waited for this for a long time,” he said later when I was lying in his arms.

  “And was it worth the wait?”

  “Every minute, honey.”

  “I think so, too,” I said softly. “It makes me wonder what I have been doing all this time.” I looked at him and gently touched his cheeks.

  He cleared his throat. “Uhm, right. So - some more champagne?” He freed himself of my embrace and poured our glasses. “There you go, love.” He checked his blackberry. “Hm, I better go home soon and get some sleep.”

  “What, now?”

  “I do have to catch a flight to Warsaw in the morning.”

  “Uh - Warsaw? You are going to see Magda? I thought you had broken up?”

  “It’s complicated. What does it matter? You and I always had the hots for each other and now we’ve finally done it.”

  What does it matter? Oh my god. I felt so foolish. My little romantic head movie just burst into flames. I quickly grabbed my dressing gown and wrapped it tightly around me.

  “Nothing. Just wondering. I need to get some sleep too.”

  “Hey, honey - are you alright? Are we cool?”

  “Of course we are, Lars. It’s all cool.”