How Are You Going to Save Yourself

by JM Holmes

  Shout out to Walz too, whose motivation motivates me, and for the slew of pirated music. That shit was the sound track to some of these stories, homie. I’ve got no doubt that you’re up next.

  To cousin Kenan, thanks for the perspective on some things that had me twisted, and a dope basement to crash at when Milwaukee was testing my patience. Also for being a shining example of family success for a kid who didn’t have many of them. Congratulations on fatherhood × 2.

  Big Fonz! Speaking of the illest families, supreme gratitude to you and yours for all the guidance and overly solicited legal advice…ha. Your family is full of grace and wisdom and they ain’t stingy with it. Love you, bro.

  To the Garys, and especially Trina, I feel so blessed that you became a part of my life when you did. And Trina, thank you for my first teaching gig (I imagine you threw your full weight into the ring to get me hired on that one). Your family is one of the rarest I’ve encountered—so clear-eyed and kind. You really planted a seed that inspired me to dream about a better education system and it changed my life so positively. My experiences at PoCC and SDLC will surely find their way into writing someday in some shape or form. But I’ll probably leave out the part where I cry on the bus home.

  In that vein, I need to thank a lot of the folks at Pingree and Prep@Pingree for modeling what caring and driven educators look like. I’m so appreciative too for my former students who have become part of my inner circle. Watching y’all grow up and succeed has been amazing. The talent and goodness y’all possess is remarkable. Thanks for keeping me young(ish). Ed Kloman, thanks for being the craziest, awesome old white dude I’ve ever met and one of the most voracious readers and inspiring teachers. In a different life, you would’ve been a battle rapper with those oratory skills. To Michelle, Daughter of January, for showing me what hard work in the classroom looks like and for sharing so much of your knowledge to make sure I didn’t fail as a teacher my first year…and of course for continually cutting me down to size. To the Estys, thank you so much for inviting me into your home while I was teaching and still trying to find my way toward this project. Also for showing me that nature can be dope.

  To my sisters, Lauri and Juuuj, thanks for being proud of me even when I struggled to be proud of myself, for being excited when I was washed out, and for being confident when I was nervous. I owe a lot of my peace of mind to your efforts. Also, shout out to Juuuj on the author photo for making ya boy look pretty. Glad we could make good on that promise we made as seventeen-year-olds, even doper that the powers that be let us make it happen on a summer day on the banks of the Spree.

  Next, and also first, huge thanks to my literary mother, Amity Gaige, for telling me I could do this thing here for real. I remember when I got into Iowa and I called you immediately. You sighed in relief and said, “Good, I’m not crazy.” Well, thanks for being willing to be crazy before anyone else saw merit in my work. And for keeping me sane throughout the process when this passion turned into business. If not for you, I’d be somewhere else doing something different.

  To my other literary guardian angels, Rebecca Makkai, Ayana Mathis, and Ethan Canin, thank you for the lessons and blessings and for paying off the gatekeepers of this here industry with your stamps of approval.

  Biggest thanks to my big lil sis Cat P, for making me continue to believe in the goodness of others and myself and for keeping me equal parts sane and insane. Thank you for convincing me to keep writing and for letting me tell you stories about my family that I’ve never told. Couldn’t have made this book without your voice and love.

  I also need to thank the good folks at the workshop for all the knowledge and dedication they possess and the seriousness with which they study the craft and the support I was given, both financial and technical. Special shout to Sean Adams for his keen eye and notes. To my big-hearted brethren Tim, I’m so thankful for your positivity in my life. So happy that you’ve found happiness and love. And so unnecessarily full from the heaven-sent dishes that you throw down in the kitchen. Griddle Boys for life. To Deb, Jan, and Connie for holding the front office down and providing a dose of reality in a land where we all got our heads in the clouds.

  Then of course, the actual gatekeepers, starting with Anna “the Dreamweaver” Stein for taking a chance on my work and going to bat for me. All the people at Little, Brown who saw the vision and wanted to make it a reality. With a special thanks to Ben George for his diligence even though some days were a battle. I know you went to war for this book and for that I am infinitely grateful. Also to Lena Little for coaching me through a publicity process that has me sweating through my shirts. I am eternally grateful for your faith and efforts.

  And last and most first, to Willa H**b**y, I will forever be in your debt for the unfaltering love and support and a critical voice even when I don’t want to hear it but need to hear it most. You made the work better. You made me better too, and still do. What’s a book worth when compared with a life? I love you and owe you both.

  Last, last, to hip-hop, the sound track to my life and the way I found my voice in the first place. Hopefully, the early days freestyling and sharpening the delivery have paid off and the bounce has made its way into some of these pages.

  To the readers who made it this far, thanks for indulging me.

  With love,

  Jeff

  About the Author

  JM Holmes was born in Denver and raised in Rhode Island. He is a Pushcart Prize winner and a graduate of the Iowa Writers’ Workshop. His stories have appeared in the Paris Review, the White Review, the Missouri Review, the Gettysburg Review, and H.O.W. This is his first book. He lives in Milwaukee and is currently at work on a novel.

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