Adrian has been texting and calling all night but I don’t have the courage to answer. I fear what he will say and I really don’t want to fight with him anymore. Instead I wish he was here with me I wish he would hold me in his arms and tell me everything will be ok. I hate that he is three thousand miles away and I wish that I could go to him. I know that he is freaking out now because he is on instant message and he hates that. I feel guilty for not answering him but it’s my own selfishness of not wanting to argue that over rides the guilt.
Adrian: baby I am sorry please talk to me
Alanna: Adrian what can I say?
Adrian: you don’t have to say anything just listen.
Alanna: okay
Adrian: I am not happy about Michael taking you away today and I am not happy about him kissing you however I do respect the fact that this is hard on him. If it was me then I would be the same I would be telling you to get as far away as you could but alanna it’s your choice and you say that you love me, I hate that you are in danger and I hate that I have put you there, I have guilt that goes beyond the guilt of killing David for what I have done to you, I love you and I want you to be safe I don’t like that I have to tell you what to do all the time I have no right but I can’t stop it and I can’t let you go back to that college tomorrow.
Alanna: I understand all that but you don’t understand how important this is to me.
Adrian: I do understand it but you can’t take a risk like that. Alanna: isn’t every day I am with you a risk?
Adrian: yes alanna but hopefully one day this will all be over and you and I can be together.
Alanna: then make that day today come here and be with me you can look after me not Michael.
Adrian: you are right it’s my entire fault that Michael got so involved I was the one that sent him to you and I made him stay with you in that house.
Alanna: you did that because you knew how he felt and you knew that he would look after me because that’s what you would do.
Adrian: baby I want to come to you is that ok?
Alanna: yes please Adrian I need you.
Adrian: if I do then there is no going back if you want to change your mind then do it now. If there is even a doubt in your mind of how you feel about me and if you feel that maybe Michael would be better for you then tell me now.
Alanna: it’s you it will always be you.
Adrian: are you sure? Because its forever now?
Alanna: yes Adrian I am sure.
Adrian: there is one more thing,
Alanna: what?
Adrian: if we are to be together then you have to do as I say, Alanna: what do you mean?
Adrian: I have never trusted anyone in my life and I am trusting you, there will always be doubts in my mind about everything and if you want to be with me then you would have to live a certain way.
Alanna: Adrian what are you getting at?
Adrian: I would need to know where you go and what you do every day I would need to take control of everything but I would give you anything you wanted and I would love you always.
Alanna: you are saying that my life would be chosen for me or my lifestyle?
Adrian: I would never make you do anything you didn’t want but I would want you to have the best lifestyle possible I want to look after you and I want you to love me and obey me.
Alanna: Adrian you sound crazy obey you? It’s not the 1800’s. Adrian: no it’s not but that is the way it has to be if you are to be with me.
Alanna: I don’t want to ever be without you so okay I will do it. But if you ever hurt me or make me do something that I don’t want then I will leave and you will never see me again.
Adrian: I won’t do that to you, you have my word alanna. Alanna: good then when will you be here?
Adrian: I will get on the next flight are you sure about this? Alanna: be here as soon as you can and yes I am sure.
Alanna: Adrian before you go there is something I have wanted to ask you?
Adrian: yes alanna?
Alanna: when I first met you, you asked me if I had any boyfriends before I was wondering why you wanted to know that.
Adrian: I feel that it is better to be with a girl that has no previous relationship experiences therefore she wouldn’t have anything to compare me to do you understand?
Alanna: kind of I get where you are coming from girls do tend to base a new relationship on the ones they have already had but you should not make that an issue if you like the girl and want to be her what if I said that I did have boyfriends what would you have said?
Adrian: have you?
Alanna: no Adrian I haven’t but what if I did?
Adrian: I am not going to lie to you I would have been disappointed but I don’t think that reason would be enough for me to not pursue you I wouldn’t live without you alanna.
Alanna: Adrian may I ask how many girlfriends you have had?
Adrian: I would not be fair if you didn’t, besides you I have only had one other actual girlfriend but I won’t lie to you I have been with many girls.
Alanna: girls I am fine with but girlfriend how was she? Adrian: do you really want to know this?
Alanna: yes tell me
Adrian: her name is Zara Tomas
Alanna: a name is nothing tell me more about her
Adrian: we met at horse race in the country I was twenty and she was thirty one Zara is from a very respectable family who mix with the royals however Zara is very rebellious she doesn’t like to be told what to do and no one can control her.
Alanna: she sounds a lot different to me and that is quite a large age gap how long where you with her?
Adrian: about a year I would say
Alanna: a year? What happened?
Adrian: Zara was a lot different to you she was very demanding and everything had to be her way she moved me into an apartment in Chelsea and that was merely to control me she always needed to know where is was and she hated it if I talked to any other girls I was young and about to own my own company everything was new to me and this woman showed interest she wasn’t like the other girls I had been with she was a grown up compared to them she was married at the time I got with her and lot of how she felt about me was obsessive and she used me to make her husband jealous.
Alanna: Adrian you had an affair with a married woman? Adrian: I am not proud of it and I would never want to experience the feeling of cheating and sneaking around again.
Alanna: did her husband find out?
Adrian: he knew that she was with someone else and he gave her an ultimatum to forget whoever he was and to never think of him again or to carry on with her lover and lose everything.
Alanna: what did she choose?
Adrian: she chose him I was hurt by her and it took me while to get over the pain that it brought back to me but I am glad that she left thinking back on my time with her I realize that I had no choices and I did what she said she took the control from me but when she left I got it back.
Alanna: did you love her?
Adrian: I was so desperate to love someone that I forced myself to love to her but alanna I could never love anyone the way I do you!
Alanna: I never thought of you with anyone like her didn’t the age difference bother you?
Adrian: I never thought about it, it was never an issue. Alanna: was she beautiful?
Adrian: she was pretty but nothing compared to you! Alanna: you have to say that! what did she look like?
Adrian: I am not just saying it alanna it’s true you are more beautiful than she will ever be.
Alanna: if you say so, you still haven’t told me what she looks like!
Adrian: she is very tall and lean she has dark blonde hair and blue eyes and when you gaze into them you can tell she isn’t happy, although she was only thirty one at the time she seemed older in her manor her face was always stressed looking and she never smiled.
Alanna: she sounds crazy to me!
Adrian: alanna don’t be like that!
>
Alanna: like what? She does seem a little crazy wasn’t she?
Adrian: she had issues with her family she felt they never understood her and she always felt the outcast.
Alanna: okay I have heard enough about her now. Adrian: alanna baby are you jealous?
Alanna: no I just don’t want to talk about her anymore ok?
Adrian: okay I won’t mention her again I have to go just now until next time baby!
I read back over Adrian’s texts and the part when he asked me if was jealous although I told him that I wasn’t I can’t help but feel that I am I never expected him to be with someone like that someone who was older and married he was young and she should have known better but I am jealous I hate to think of her with him I wonder if he maybe he did love her and that he just told me that he didn’t to protect me from the truth.
Chapter 27
The following morning I wake with such a headache it is most likely caused by the amount I cried last night and the lack of sleep as I had to stay up late studying. I think of the talk I had with Adrian last night and how he said that he was going to be here today. I think back over his words of what his conditions were, he wants to control everything I do he expects me to live a certain way. I know all this about him all I have to do is look around and I know that he is the one in control. I wonder how different my life will be once he gets here and I can’t help but feel that maybe this Zara Tomas has made him like this he did say to me that she was basically a control freak and he had no choices about anything and that does ring a bell with me did she mess him up even more than Alice did? I try to put all the Adrian worry out of my mind for now after all he said he will be here today sometime and he never goes back on his word. I take a shower and blow dry my hair I pick out a new pair of jeans from the bag and dark blue button up sweater I through on my shoes and little lip gloss and head out into the oversized condo. I look around discreetly I wonder how Michael will act today? As I walk into the kitchen I see that Maggie has already set out my breakfast she smiles as she see me and points me to sit down so I do. “How are you this morning miss hart?” “I don’t suppose you have anything for a headache?” “Let me check” I pick at the stack of pancakes and bacon that Maggie has made for me not being able to even force down a bite or two instead I sip at the coffee that she has also left out for me. I see Maggie head back into the kitchen carrying a bottle of pills she takes out two and hands me a glass of water. “Here you go this should do the trick” I take the pills and water from her “are you Not hungry again?” I look at her apologetically I feel sorry when I don’t eat the food she makes me with such passion. “I had a bit of a rough day yesterday” “oh dear and you have a big day today how are you feeling about your exams?” “I feel ok about it” “I am sure you will do great” I smile at her I really do like her and I can tell that she is a very caring person her family must really be proud and grateful for her. “Thanks, has Michael been out yet for breakfast?” I say trying not to let her see that I haven’t spoken to him since yesterday. “No I haven’t seen him yet” I let out a sigh not realizing that I did “that boy loves you” I can’t believe that she has observed this. “But the trouble is my dear that you don’t feel the same way back!” “I really care about him but I love Adrian” “Mr. Black?” “Yes sorry Adrian Black” “it’s hard for the boy I have watched him he looks at you as if you are the answer to everything and the other night he asked me to arrange that whole dinner for you” “I sort of knew that Maggie, I want him as a friend but I feel now that I have told him how I really feel that it’s not enough to just be friends” “he will come around don’t worry about him just think happy thoughts of your exam results that will make you feel better” “Maggie most people would be telling me that classes and exams aren’t the most important thing most people would say concentrate on love why are you different? “I know firsthand what it’s like to give up a dream for love” “what did you give up? If you don’t mind me asking” “I wanted to be a journalist” “wow what happened?” “I was at college in Chicago when my teacher sent me out on a work experience program I was so excited I was getting to go experience what it was like to work at a real newspaper, when I arrived I was scared and didn’t know what to expect but there was someone there to help make it an easy transition” “a guy?” “yes and to me he was the most beautiful man I ever saw he had jet black hair and green eyes Michael reminds me of him except for the eye color anyway he showed me how to be a real journalist and I fell head over heels for him everything about him mesmerized me I fell in love with his accent he was British and I never met someone who talked the way he did. he hypnotized me and I loved him” “Maggie that is great story” “I am not finished yet” “sorry go on” “he was great at first he couldn’t do enough for me and he took me to all the best places and would by me all sorts of gifts but when I went back to college he became a little possessive he started calling every minute and I wasn’t allowed to talk to any other men. So eventually I switched colleges to be nearer him so he didn’t have to worry so much and we continued to date, however I became pregnant and that gave me no choice but to drop out and give up my dream for a while, Edward assured me that I would go back to college once the baby was born he never asked me to marry him but instead just to move in with him. Once our daughter Emma was born that’s when everything changed.” “Am I boring you dear?” “no not at all please go on” “Edward started to stay out all night and then I wouldn’t see him for days I heard that he had been with other women but I was so in love I tried to ignore it, when Emma turned one year old Edward did the thing that I always feared he would he left us and I have never seen or heard from him since You see miss hart” “please call me alanna” “alanna I had dreams and they got distinguished because of my love for one man” she says and I can see that she still has pain over this “yes I am sorry for that but you got your daughter from him didn’t that make it all worthwhile?” “Yes Emma is the most important thing in my life and I am blessed that I have her, but life was hard for us I had no time for college I was working two dead end jobs for poor money I couldn’t provide her with the things she deserved and I felt awful for that but later on in life I met Ryan and he showed me how to believe in love again” that’s wonderful that you now have someone who treats you right! How old is your daughter now?” “she is twenty and is just about to start college I will make sure she follows her dreams, I want you to see that college and your career is worth it it’s not all about love when you are young and free and shouldn’t be tied down you should follow your dreams and alanna I want to know that Mr. Black might not be Mr. Perfect!” “I really appreciate you sharing and your advice you are an amazing lady Maggie” she smiles and taps me on the hand ever so gently. How could this Edward do a thing like that to her? she is so kind and although she doesn’t wear any make up and she looks tired you can certainly tell that she is a pretty lady, I never really noticed before perhaps I was to self-involved in whatever I was doing to pay attention to her. She has short dark hair and dark eyes the kind of look that Adrian would not approve of. She is a slim and under the baggy white uniform I am sure there is a great figure. I compare Maggie’s situation with that of Alice and how different there approaches to it was Alice abused Adrian and Maggie loves her daughter she cared enough for her to put her dreams off and work two jobs to pay the bills whereas Alice would leave Adrian for days while she was out drinking and beat him when she finally returned. I can’t help but think of Emma and how similar her encounter with her dad was to that of Adrian. I am sure that she doesn’t have any issues and it seems like from what Maggie told me that Emma is a great young woman and she owes all that to having a great mom like Maggie. I have listened to what Maggie had to say on love and I am happy that she has finally met her perfect man in Ryan. I move over to the couch and take out my study book from my bag that I left out here yesterday. As I look over the words and try to take them in. I realize that maybe I should take my college life more
seriously after all Maggie is right I am young and I have plenty time to fall in love and be with Adrian. However that thought is paralyzing I could never even think of my life without him. Every morning I wake up he is the first thing I think of and the last before I go to sleep at night. I do think of others like my family and my friends but none do I think of in the same way I do Adrian. I wonder where he is He told me that he would be here today what is taking him so long? I close my book and I hear Michael talking on his phone he is speaking too fast and I can’t make out what he is saying. Everything goes quiet and I see the door begin to open. Michael pushes open the door and walks into the kitchen area. As he walks over to the coffee pot and pours himself a coffee he does not even for second turn to look at me. He must be mad at me and he will think I am crazy the way I am staring over at him. I turn my head and look down at my lap where my phone is I neurotically take the phone and start to flick through the pages to distract myself. I stare at the screen moving it back and forth with my finger. I don’t even see what is on the phone all I know is that it is stopping me from talking to Michael. I feel the tension in the air like ice. I want to talk to him but I can’t. I really feel that if I did then any chance I would have of making it up with him would be ruined. He seems different towards me now it’s like he can’t bear to look at me I have to hold back a tear as I think that I have lost him. He won’t stay here any longer now that he and I have broken our bonds. The bonds we had were superior to any other I had before with anyone even Adrian. He got me on a level that no other did. He has had the same background and the same pressures from the media he understood me more than anyone and I really got to feel the same way about him. I fear that he won’t be in my life anymore there is something inside me that is crushed by that thought. He is the one person on this earth that I really need a need that I can’t explain it goes beyond friendship but not as far as love. I was surprised I fell for Adrian the way that I did but nothing shocks me more than my feelings for Michael. I look over at him and think that this could be the last time I ever see him. He said that I couldn’t have it both ways and that he wouldn’t watch me with Adrian. I am sure that he knows that Adrian is on his way and I am saddened by that fact that once Adrian gets here Michael no longer will be! I see his face look sad and over stressed as I gaze at him for longer he turns to me and our eyes meet. I resist the urge to look away instead I look at him I want to take in all his features and I want to remember him. He stares at me motionless he finally blinks and I can’t hold it back any longer. I rush over to him “Michael please can we sort this out?” he doesn’t answer me just keeps on staring “Michael I care about you I want you in my life” “you say all this yet you say that you don’t have feelings for me” he says in a slow dark voice. “Michael I care so much about you however I love Adrian and I always will but the way I feel about you is different it’s like you get me in way no other does I can’t lose you I need you to be in my life” “if Adrian is all that you want then why are you saying this to me?” “Because it’s the truth and I don’t want to lie to you anymore, Adrian is on his way but that doesn’t mean that you have to go” “I didn’t know that and I wasn’t planning to leave you here alone, my truth is that I love you and if you say to me now that you don’t feel the same way then I will go and let you be with him” “I don’t want you to go have you been listening to anything I have been saying” “yes I hear all your words but alanna you can’t be as selfish as that to expect me to stay even though nothing will ever happen why would you put me through that?” “because I need you I don’t want to wake up knowing that I won’t see you my feelings for you are strange and I can’t explain them to myself let alone you, but please don’t go!” “alanna I can’t stay I won’t torture myself by watching you with him I will stay until he gets here then I am going back to London” “no please” I get closer to him and take his hands in mine “please I beg you don’t leave me” “alanna I have no choice” he loosens my hands from his and he walks swiftly away into the bedroom. I watch as he goes wondering if that was the last time I will ever see him.
Three Thousand Miles To You Page 21