The Book of Lists: Horror

by Wallace, Amy

  5. Jessica Alba in anything she has ever been in

  Christ, just do it already. I’d even watch the remake of The Eye if I thought there was a remote chance. But for now I’ll just hold my breath for Idle Hands 2 and keep chewing at my wrists because of Good Luck Chuck.

  6. Mila Kunis in American Psycho 2

  I mean, in the first American Psycho, we got more flesh-shots of Christian Bale showering than we did actual violence. Why did that trend have to change for part 2? I would have rather watched Mila wash her hair for ninety minutes. Think about it: here we have the remarkably beautiful and seductive Kunis in a serial-killer role inspired by one of the most graphic and disturbing books ever written . . . and all we get is Jackie’s discarded lines from That 70’s Show and a slightly more violent Priceline .com commercial with William Shatner? Even some Kunis sideboob could have elevated this film to a whole new level.

  7. Jennifer Love Hewitt in I Know What You Did Last Summer

  In the nineties, every pretty TV star got their own horror movie, where they got to wear tight white tank tops, not get naked, and yell useless threats at the sky. But Hewitt was one of those exquisite beauties that really stood out from the bunch, and her body looked like something out of Greek mythology. She’s still gorgeous a decade later and, much like Jamie Lee Curtis, she will probably only get better with age. But IKnowWhatYou DidLastSummer could have been her prime moment of glory at the peak time in her life to finally give the boys what they wanted. In fact, I dare say that had she gotten naked in this film, it would have made the film epic enough to not need any sequels. They could have just kept repackaging this one and putting it out every six months when Anchor Bay rereleases Evil Dead . . . and I would have kept buying it.

  8. Dakota Fanning in Hide and Seek

  Relax, relax—I’m kidding! But let’s just imagine for a second that. . . . Okay, fine, let’s not. In fact, let’s forget this joke entirely until it gets brought up in court as damaging evidence against me some day down the road.

  9. Elisha Cuthbert in the House of Wax remake

  Actually, now that I think about it, thank God she didn’t get naked in this movie. First of all, I may not have been able to handle it and my head might have exploded in the theater all Scanners style. And second of all, I think if Elisha could make it through The Girl Next Door (one of my favorite movies of all time) and play a porn star without showing her goods, then she certainly didn’t need to show her stuff in this film. However . . . how happy would the world have been if she had done nudity? Perhaps the war in Iraq could have been avoided. Perhaps Osama would have turned himself in by now. This young woman may have the power to create world peace with her beauty . . . but I guess we’ll never know. At least we’ll always have the white tank top scenes from her performance as Kim Bauer in 24 to keep us satisfied. Oh, and that amazingly realistic and suspenseful sequence between Kim and the stock mountain lion footage.

  10. Tamara Feldman in Hatchet

  This was my fault and I apologize. Tamara is like a little sister to me and she is up there on my list of the most beautiful women I’ve ever known. I can’t even begin to tell you about the hate mail I started getting when horror fans saw her scantily clad run on ABC’s Dirty Sexy Money. “How did you have this goddess in a hardcore slasher movie and keep her all bundled up in layers the whole time—yet she’s running around on this TV soap opera in her underwear?” OK—so I fucked up! I’m sorry! But let’s not forget that I brought you perverted Whedon-loving dorks your beloved Harmony’s bare chest in the very same movie. Did I get any love for that? No! Did I get any thank-yous for bringing you the gorgeous Joleigh Fioreavanti and an opening credit sequence that was nothing but gratuitous boobs? No! Instead, I got pelted with “why didn’t Tamara show some skin?” mail from you greedy dicks. Sorry! All I can say is that if I have anything to do with the sequel . . . I’ll see what I can do.

  JOSH OLSON’S TEN BEST HORROR MOVIE SEX SCENES

  Josh Olson wrote and directed the low-budget horror film Infested in 2001. In 2006, he was nominated for both the American and the British Academy Awards for the screenplay to David Cronenberg’s A History of Violence, the first studio film to feature what the French like to call soixante-neuf. He was the only second-grader in his class to see The House that Dripped Blood.

  1. Barbara Crampton and David Gale in Re-Animator (1985)

  It’s bad enough when the headless body of the evil, undead Dr. Carl Hill starts fondling the breasts of poor, naked Megan Halsey as his disembodied head sits in a metal pan leering and drooling and giggling. But when his body picks up the head and starts running it over her body, you may see it coming, but you won’t believe it. The most literal example of “giving head” ever put on film. Scary, funny, and creepy, this is the horror-movie sex-scene all others must be measured against.

  2. Elisabeth Brooks and Christopher Stone in The Howling (1981)

  No words are spoken as they undress and go at it by a campfire in the woods, tenderly at first, then savagely . . . then there are fangs, and drool, and hair, and growling, and finally, in one of the greatest acts of zoophilia in the history of cinema, they make the beasts with two backs—literally.

  3. Amanda Donohoe and Chris Pitt in Lair of the White Worm (1988)

  “Don’t worry, I won’t bite you,” Lady Sylvia Marsh promises the dull-witted young boy scout she’s picked up by the side of the road and is now bathing. She lies. The poor kid ends up literally paralyzed, a victim of his own schoolboy lusts, about to be fed to Donohoe’s giant lizard-god, when the doorbell rings, and it’s Hugh Grant, popping over for a spot of tea. Deranged sexual imagery abounds in this wonderfully zonked-out movie. Minor Ken Russell is still major league magic.

  4. Julian Sands and Myriam Cyr in Gothic (1986)

  And as long as we’re on the topic of Ken Russell, who can forget Percy Shelley’s encounter with Claire Clairmont in the billiards room? He approaches her, they embrace, and she opens her diaphanous gown to reveal her nipples, which open up to reveal— eyeballs! Oddly enough, three years later, Sands would star in another movie—Warlock—in which a woman’s nipples open up to reveal eyes. Talk about subgenres. . . .

  5. Taaffe O’Connell and an enormous slug in Galaxy of Terror (1981)

  Pop screenwriting quiz: What do you get when you combine a planet that brings your greatest fear to life and a huge-breasted blonde nymphomaniac with a fear of bugs? Sid Haig’s arm gets cut off, a maggot starts crawling around in the arm, then grows to enormous size, creeps onto said blonde, and, well. . . . If you’re worried, she dies with a big smile on her face. Rumor has it that second unit director James Cameron actually directed this scene. We all started somewhere. . . .

  6. Stuart Devenie and Brenda Kendall in Braindead, aka Dead-Alive (1992) Easily the best zombie movie ever made—an over-the-top, bloodsoaked, gore-stained obscenity that, somehow, you can show to your Aunt Matilda, because in its heart of hearts, it’s not a zombie movie—it’s a Warner Brothers cartoon. And contained in its madness is a zombie priest getting it on with a zombie nurse, a liaison which introduces the world to something we may have been better off never meeting—a zombie baby!

  7. Sheryl Lee, Frank Silva, and Ray Wise in Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me (1992)

  When Laura Palmer’s demented lover Bob crawls into her bed and the two of them get down to it, it’s genuinely disturbing, but David Lynch saves the worst for last—at exactly the right moment, Laura opens her eyes, and Bob’s true identity is revealed, as he transforms into Leland Palmer—her father. For some reason, my own father took my then teenage sister to see this movie. I have to imagine that for at least a few seconds, those were the two most uncomfortable seats in the world.

  8. Roger Periard and Marilyn Chambers in Rabid (1977)

  Marilyn Chambers (in her first legit flick) gets checked into one of David Cronenberg’s endless supply of creepy medical institutes, the Keloid Clinic, after a horrible motorcycle crash. For reasons that still a
ren’t entirely clear (or necessary), her operation results in a spike that grows out of her armpit and does horrible things to whomever it impales. When one of her fellow patients wanders into her room and finds her writhing naked on the bed: “This is really weird,” says the poor sap, just before he gets spiked.

  9. Nastassja Kinski and John Heard in Cat People (1982)

  Nastassja Kinski’s got it bad for John Heard. Only problem is, Malcolm McDowell has informed her that the only person she can ever make love to without turning into a man-eating panther is him—her brother. Yuck. But she can’t help herself, so she and Heard finally hit the sheets, and it is hot. Kinski has never looked sexier, and the scene just crackles. But then . . . it’s over. Heard sleeps. Kinski stares at the ceiling. At the last minute, she turns into a panther, which gets in under the wire to earn it a place on this list, and sets us up for the climax of the film, another great sex scene that, sadly, takes place off-screen.

  10. Lana Wood and the invisible Satan in Satan’s Mistress (1982)

  I saw this thing twice in the same year at Philadelphia’s late, lamented Goldman Theater, both times with my comrade in schlock, Chris King. The first time, it was Satan’s Mistress. A few months later, we went back to see Succubus, and I remember that sinking feeling we both had as the opening credits started running over a desolate beach on a gray day. The credits roll— Lana Wood again—and then we get to the title, and there’s a skip in the film, the image of the beach vanishes, and a card— probably made out of cardboard—appears, “Succubus” written on it in Magic Marker (I may exaggerate), and we’ve been had. Used to happen all the time. All of which is a long way of saying that when I realized what was up, it dawned on me that at least I’d get to see the scene where the gorgeous, voluptuous and, most importantly, naked Lana Wood has sex with an invisible dude again. It was worth it.

  Honorable Mentions

  SOLO CATEGORY

  Linda Blair in The Exorcist (1973)

  A good horror sex scene doesn’t always involve two parties. Sometimes, the pleasures are more onanistic. Linda Blair. A crucifix. Movie history is made.

  IS IT SEX IF ONE OF THEM’S DEAD? CATEGORY

  Udo Kier and a corpse in Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein (1973)

  Dr. Frankenstein, doing obscene things to the body of his monster through a hole in his side, shouts out, “To appreciate life, you must first fuck death in the gall bladder.” Truer words have never been spoken.

  Special thanks to Michael Theobald.

  SCOTT BRADLEY’S TEN ULTIMATE HORROR FILM CRUSHES

  Scott Bradley is coauthor of The Book of Lists: Horror. He likes the following characters (and the ladies who play them) a great deal, but by far prefers his girlfriend/coauthor Amy Wallace to any of them.

  1. Lulu (played by Louise Brooks) in Pandora’s Box (1929): Not a horror film, you say? Perhaps not. But this German silent masterpiece— directed by the great G. W. Pabst—is plenty horrific. Former Ziegfeld girl Louise Brooks defined a generation of flappers (and their hairstyle!) with her portrayal of Lulu, who manages to destroy everyone in her orbit with her untamed sexuality, and then gets snuffed by Jack the Ripper (also making her an early victim of the slasher movie policy of punishing promiscuity). Damaged goods never looked so good.

  2. Dorothy Vallens (played by Isabella Rossellini) in Blue Velvet (1986): Ingrid Bergman’s daughter plays the ultimate damsel in distress in writer/director David Lynch’s mind-blowing autopsy on small-town America. That Dorothy also corrupts (educates?) our straight-arrow hero Jeffrey Beaumont (Kyle MacLachlan) only adds to her appeal: “Are you a bad boy? Do you like to do bad things?” Good girl Sandy (Laura Dern), while undeniably cute, never had a chance.

  My runner-up in the vast universe of David Lynch hotties would be Audrey Horne (Sherilyn Fenn) in Twin Peaks. Cherry stem, anyone?

  3. Nicki Brand (played by Deborah Harry) in Videodrome (1982): A superpervy choice among pervy choices, I’ll admit, but this pop shrink/ pain freak in David Cronenberg’s visionary techno-horror tale is about as sexy as it gets. When I fantasize about a life of sexual nihilism, it’s always all about Nicki Brand. “Wanna try a few things.”

  4. Irena Gallier (played by Nastassja Kinski) in Cat People (1982): What’s a gorgeous innocent to do if she turns into a murderous panther when she has sex—submit to an incestuous coupling with her similarly cursed and thoroughly crazed brother (Malcolm McDowell)? Or try a “normal” relationship with the zookeeper (John Heard) who admits that he “prefers animals to people”? Director Paul Schrader created an ultimate horror dream-girl in this remake of the Val Lewton–produced classic, reinventing the original story as a perverse fantasia on Dante’s La Vita Nuova with the beautiful Irena as a shape-shifting Beatrice.

  5. Baby Firefly (played by Sheri Moon Zombie) in House of 1000 Corpses (2002) and The Devil’s Rejects (2005): If writer/director Rob Zombie didn’t want us to have nasty thoughts about his lady, he wouldn’t have trained his camera on Sheri in the way he did in these two films—or maybe he just wanted us to see what a lucky guy he is. Take a gander at Baby’s entrance into Red Hot Pussy Liquor and her flirtation with/humiliation of Goober in Corpses; that is the definition of a post-modern femme fatale. Build my gallows high, Baby (with apologies to Jane Greer in Outofthe Past).

  6. Monika (played by Monika M.) in Nekromantik 2 (1991): Monika is gorgeous, charming, and smart. She’s also a necrophile. But pretty much any guy would agree that if his dead body had to be molested, he’d hope it’s by someone like Monika. This movie is amazing, right down to its jaw-dropping (and perversely moving) denouement. Would director Jörg Buttgereit, his collaborator Franz Rodenkirchen, producer Manfred Jelinski, and the lovely Monika M. privilege us with Nekromantik 3 so we can find out what happens next?

  Monika (Monika M.) on a hot date in Nekromantik 2. (Photograph by Jörg Buttgereit, used by permission.)

  7. Annie Brackett (played by Nancy Loomis) in Halloween (1978): Sure, we all cheer for Jamie Lee Curtis as Laurie Strode in this classic from director John Carpenter. And get all horny about P. J. Soles as Lynda (“Totally!”). But I’ll always go for Annie—the pothead daughter of Haddonfield’s sheriff, Leigh Brackett (who’s named after the legendary screenwriter of The Big Sleep and The Empire Strikes Back)—for both her understated sex appeal and her smart-ass remarks. Cutie Danielle Harris did a sexy riff on this character in Rob Zombie’s 2007 remake, but I’ll always go for the original Annie.

  8. Fran (played by Gaylen Ross) in Dawn of the Dead (1979): Fran shouts down her boss in the TV studio when he wants to broadcast a list of inoperative rescue stations. She puts up with the ultraobnoxious Flyboy (which alone should qualify her for sainthood). She learns to pilot a helicopter. She gets pregnant. And she shoots zombies. Fran is the gal that we all would want backing us up in the event of a zombie apocalypse. And she takes no shit from the boys. Ever.

  9. Billie Anders (played by Sally Conway) in “Prologue” from Family Portraits: A Trilogy of America (2004): In writer/director Douglas Buck’s conclusion to his devastating and brilliant trio of short films, Billie is the victim of a monstrous sex crime that left her wheelchair-bound and with a pair of hooks for hands. She returns to her hometown, and (in a single day!) talks to her former boyfriend, confronts and shames the man (William Stone Mahoney) who attacked her, and delivers a moment of transcendence to a homeless little girl. And Billie also looks like a red-headed Sarah Polley. What’s not to love?

  10. Marla Singer (played by Helena Bonham Carter) in Fight Club (1999): I am Jack’s massive crush on this crazed hottie, who seems like exactly the right person to be holding hands with as Western civilization comes to an end. “You’ve met me at a very strange time in my life,” indeed. Where is my mind?

  ANN MAGNUSON’S TWENTY-TWO SEXIEST

  MOVIE MONSTERS (HUMAN AND OTHERWISE)

  Ann Magnuson is an actress, singer, writer, and performance artist. Her film credits include The Hunger, Making Mr. Right, Clear and Present D
anger, and Panic Room. She has appeared on the TV shows Frasier, CSI: Miami, The Drew Carey Show, the HBO miniseries From the Earth to the Moon, and was a regular on the sitcom Anything but Love. Her Off-Broadway credits include The Vagina Monologues, Four Dogs and a Bone, and her own one-woman shows, You Could Be Home Now and Rave Mom. She was the lead singer and lyricist for the psycho-psychedelic band Bongwater, with whom she released five albums. Her solo album The Luv Show,was released on Geffen Recordsin1995, and her new CD, Pretty Songs & Ugly Stories, is distributed by Asphodel Records. Magnuson has written for magazines as varied as Artforum, BUST, and Condé Nast Traveler, and pens a monthly column for Paper. Visit www .annmagnuson.com for more information.

  1. La Bête in Jean Cocteau’s La Belle et La Bête

  Cocteau’s phantasmagoric film of the romantic fairy tale features impossibly handsome French actor Jean Marais as a Prince Charming trapped in the body of a courtly if exceedingly hairy Renaissance beast. La Belle’s love eventually transforms La Bête into the blond Adonis of Cocteau’s dreams, but I’m with Greta Garbo, who is said to have cried out at the film’s end, “Give me back my beast!”