The Book of Lists: Horror
Page 37
Horror Stories magazine consistently had some of the scariest and gruesome covers ever to grace a newsstand. Some of these were purportedly so bonechilling that women would be struck blind on the spot and men would go raving mad! (Young boys were hypnotized in an immediate purchase!) This particular cover pictures an unwilling woman being forced to marry a beast by a blindfolded priest with a noose around his neck and a gun at his back. Clearly the message is that the church can’t protect you from a bad marriage. Only upon closer examination can we see her rescuer creeping down the stairs. Perhaps her virginity is safe after all!
5. Sinister Stories (February 1940)
Sinister Stories, February 1940 (© 1940 by Popular Publications. Reprinted by permission of Argosy Communications Inc.)
Here’s another horrible marriage about to happen. Hmmm, I picked two of these in a row. Perhaps I have marriage issues, just ask any of my ex’s—if you care to dig them up! What’s great about this cover is that it shows that half-men can run complicated equipment like a buzz saw. The S&M aspect (I assume those are bridesmaids!), lightens the mood, and in this cover, there is no rescue! The overall concept begs the question though—what good is half a bride on a wedding night?
6. Ghost Stories (May 1931)
Ghost Stories, May 1931 (© 1931 by Good Story Magazine Company, Inc. Copyright not renewed, reprinted as public domain.)
Previous to the pulp magazines, mainstream horror had often focused on the ghost story or haunted house/ship/castle tales. This was leftover from the “penny dreadfuls” of Victorian times. Although the pulps had been around for about ten years by 1931, the onset of the Great Depression dramatically accentuated the intensity of the covers as well as the drama. This copy of Ghost Stories is representative of the transition. The characters clearly look like the 1920s, but the style has become far more dramatic. Honey, he says, have I mentioned that my mother isn’t entirely dead?
7. New Detective (October 1951)
New Detective, October 1951 (© 1951 by Popular Publications. Reprinted by permission of Argosy Communications Inc.)
By the early 1950s many horror, crime, and detective pulps followed the movie trend of “realistic” crime dramas. The pulps shifted away from “hero” magazines. Doc Savage, The Shadow, The Phantom Detective, The Avenger, and other crime fighters were “retired” and replaced by pseudo-true crime stories. Still, the gruesome covers depicted crazed murderers (like the ones that live next door?), serial killers (maybe your uncle from St. Louis?), and often a scantily clad victim. The bottom line: sex and blood sells. And there are those damn gloves. If they don’t fit, you must acquit!
8. Weird Tales (September 1952)
Weird Tales, September 1952 (© 1952 by Weird Tales. Reprinted by permission of Weird Tales Ltd.)
This cover is the eeriest of the lot, the ghouls closing in to snatch your soul and consume your body. Appropriately this issue contained H. P. Lovecraft’s poem “Hallowe’en in a Suburb,” which accurately describes how I feel about suburban living. It’s downright scary. Upon further research I discovered that these weren’t really ghouls, just ordinary folks showing up for the monthly Homeowner’s
Association meeting in [name deleted], the deadest [expletive deleted] suburb I ever lived in. To quote Mr. Lovecraft, “For the village dead to the moon outspread, Never shone in the sunset’s gleam.”
9. Phantom (vol. 1, no. 5.)
Phantom, vol. 1, no. 5 (© 1957 by Dalrow Publications, Ltd. Copyright not renewed, reprinted as public domain.)
I picked this one for two reasons: First, it is classic and the illustration captures the feel of the old monster films, and second, because it’s how I visualize my wife and me if we were back in the 1930s. (That would be reincarnation, my friends; I am not that old!) As you can see, we have been admiring several of my bestsellers when we are haunted by . . . my ex-wife, or is it my old writing partner? Gosh, where did all those great story ideas really come from? It doesn’t matter; their bones are safely behind that wall!
10. Weird Tales (July 1949)
Weird Tales, July 1949 (© 1949 by Weird Tales. Reprinted by permission of Weird Tales Ltd.)
Last, but not least, is this beauty. Two unearthly demons wrestle in a cave entrance filled with snakey-things, spidery things, and reptilian-things. Not to mention the sexual nature of the embrace and the imminent vampirism. At first I thought what a great poster this could make for a wrestling federation: DON’T MISS! THE END OF THE WORLD MATCH FEATURING DOMINIC THE DEMON VS. THE GARGOYLE MONSTER. Then I realized this is just the L.A. rave scene and decided to let the dead rest. Well, at least until 2:00 a.m. when the after hours clubs open. See you there and bring your dancing shoes! And wear something low cut, please.
JIM GERLACH’S TOP TEN
UNINTENTIONALLY HORRIFYING FILMS
Jim Gerlach—think Harvey Pekar, minus the raw sexual magnetism . . . and talent. When not abusing his authority within the Missouri Department of Social Services, he can be found holed up in his apartment, spending less time than you might think wondering if androids do indeed dream of electric sheep. He is surprisingly single and curiously hairy.
1. Kangaroo Jack (2003): Jerry Bruckheimer—I hate you!
2. Anything featuring Madonna, with the possible exception of Evita (1996): She’s a talented singer with reasonably attractive breasts, but she really should limit her exposure to the one digital cable/satellite channel that plays music videos.
3. Psycho (1998): Settle down . . . the original is an undisputed classic, and the sequels provide an enjoyable revisiting of the main character twenty-plus years later. Mr. Van Sant’s remake, however, was unnecessary and unsettling because it diminished my enjoyment of the original.
4. Grumpier Old Men (1995), Out to Sea (1997), and The Odd Couple II (1998): I’ll get hate letters for saying this, but the only positive aspect of the death of Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau . . . is that there will be no more horrific late-career screen pairings for these two screen legends.
5. Caddyshack II (1988): We all have bills to pay, but committing bank fraud would have been preferable to making this film. I’ve showered countless times since last seeing this, and still don’t feel clean.
6. Battlefield Earth (2000): Clearly Xenu is a wrathful deity for inflicting this upon us. Repent, ye sinners, or a sequel be upon you!!!
7. Every Police Academy sequel: You may fault me for liking the first one, but as for the rest of those steaming piles of cinematic excrement . . . we are in total agreement.
8. Feast (2005) and the rest of the Project Greenlight films: I do admit to enjoying the television series, but the final products are quite unpleasant.
9. Anything post–1983 with the words “National Lampoon” in the title: Need I elaborate?
10. Every spoof of The Blair Witch Project: For the love of God, stop making these. I would imagine the film-going public would gladly give the aspiring directors who make these things cash money to just put the damn camcorder down.
DAVEY JOHNSON’S ACCOUNT OF THE
INVOLUNTARY REACTIONS OF TEN DATES
TO TEN HORROR MOVIE MOMENTS
Davey Johnson is an actor/comedian and astute film connoisseur. He writes and performs sketch comedy for the Steve Allen Theatre, Garage Comedy, and the Upright Citizens Brigade, and has sold his soul in numerous television commercials. He also performs in Frenetics, a rapid-fire sketch show. You can learn more at www .myspace.com/daveyjohnson. Davey and The Book of Lists: Horror coauthor Scott Bradley are video bros, having both worked for a certain disreputable video rental shop in Los Angeles. Weeeeeeeeee!!!
1. The Ring (2002): Thank you, Samara. On our glimpse of your first victim’s twisty face, my date’s hand shot right into mine, remaining there through the rest of your American rampage. It was almost enough to forgive the fact that studios saw fit to release an onslaught of PG–13 “horror” films inspired by your success.
2. Deadly Friend (1986): Sometimes Wes Craven directs bad films. T
his was one of them. A turd-fest about a sexy robot (Kristy Swanson) gone bad, this film failed to freak, until the nosy neighbor, played by Anne Ramsey, got her comeuppance: a basketball through the head. The slo-mo head explosion was so graphic and out of place, my date buried her face in my round tummy. Close enough. Ramsey fans would also note that she went on to have scissors stabbed through her skull in Throw Momma from the Train (1987), and to appear in Meet the Hollowheads (1989).
3. Faces of Death III (1985): Sometimes, a film’s reputation is enough to create a jump moment. This film came to my small Nebraska town late, in the spring of 1997. My high school was abuzz—“It shows real deaths!!!” My question: How real can something be when it’s narrated by a man called Dr. Francis B. Gross? Your answer: zero real. However, the theatre, in the grand William Castle tradition, passed out empty popcorn buckets before the show and told its patrons that more were available if we had more puke than it could hold. Then, instead of fading the lights before the film, they cut the circuit, leaving us in instant darkness. The effect was so jarring, many panicked, including my date. She hugged me tight. Then the film started.
4. The Passion of the Christ (2004): This torture-porn paved the way for films ranging from Hostel (2005) to Hostel: Part II (2007). Also, it fooled many non-horror fans into witnessing some of the most brutal images caught on film. Thanks, Mel! When a cat-onine-tails digs into Jesus Christ’s (James Caviezel) side, and rips away to reveal His ribs, my date winced and dug her teeth into my shoulder. This is . . . not a date movie.
5. The Exorcist III (1990): This is a great, underrated film, well worth viewing if only for the carp scene. Also, it features the most nerve-wracking single shot ever captured, with, perhaps, the best payoff. This will not do it justice, but: A nighttime nurse hears a noise, investigates it, and, because demons hate snoops, meets the beheading end of a pair of autopsy shears. Slow and quiet, this scene was so disturbing that I, Captain Stoic, turned away and hid my face in my date’s bosom. The discerning reader may claim that this does not represent a jump moment for my date, but let’s not forget that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Newtonian ’til I die!
6. The Exorcist: The Version You’ve Never Seen (1973, 2000): I did not have a date for this movie. The girl I was courting claimed she had seen The Exorcist years earlier; clearly, she was not a big fan of reading titles. So, I’m alone, as is Chris MacNeil (Ellen Burstyn), who is in her kitchen, confused as to why the lights are flickering most mysteriously. She did not see the Kabuki-faced Captain Howdy flash his sinister visage. The audience did, and jumped. A girl sitting next to me, heretofore a complete stranger, squeezed my right arm, whispering, “I never saw that before!” I consider that a date.
7. Zombie (1979): This film has more alternate titles (including Zombi 2 and Zombie Flesh-Eaters) than South Dakota has people . . . and at one point a zombie fights a shark. It was the latter fact that compelled me to see a midnight showing. Now, I realize that these newfangled fast zombies are becoming mainstay, but there’s genuine terror in the slow approach of a helplessly impending demise. Regarding Zombie, when the damsel’s eye was slowly pulled toward the jutting splinter, the known result was so gut-wrenching that my date actually crawled over her seat and curled up in my lap. No fast zombies ever got me that much nookie.
8. Family Portraits: A Trilogy of America (2004): You want to be an a-hole? Watch this on a date. If they return your calls, you should question why. It’s masterfully disturbing. As soon as we saw a woman using steel wool to brush her lips right off her face, my date covered her mouth and ran away. I’ve given away nearly nothing. Happy viewing.
9. The Brood (1979): My college sweetheart made some extra clams as a babysitter for a few of her professors. Slick as I am, I decided one night to keep her company by bringing over a scary movie, David Cronenberg’s The Brood. So, the kids are asleep, and my sweetie’s ready for some tape-in-VCR action. I put it in after turning off the lights, which is how she liked it. Everything was tops, until we reached the scene where one of the Brood takes out Candice Carveth’s (Cindy Hinds) babysitting grandmother by tenderizing her head. My gal quickly covered her own head with a quilt, and demanded I turn on the lights.
10. The Sixth Sense (1999): The first review I heard of this film came from a portly gentleman seated two rows behind me, just moments after the end credits began to roll. Said he, “It’s a friggin’ chick flick!” I suppose that was the big twist. We’d been Shyamalaned! However, my chick found it terrifying at parts. Though we’re all used to Mischa Barton’s vomiting now, in 1999 we were not expecting her to show up in Cole Sear’s (Haley Joel Osment) makeshift bedroom tent, upchuck on face. When she did, my date let out an Eeeeep! and socked my leg. Not so bad, though, as she spent the rest of the movie massaging it apologetically. Now, there’s a twist I like.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Amy Wall ace is the author of fifteen books, including (with her family) the number-one New York Times bestselling Book of Lists, which has sold over eight million copies worldwide. Over the years, these were followed by four more bestselling Book of Lists editions. She also wrote The Psychic Healing Book, with Bill Henkin, now in print for thirty years. Family collaborations include The Intimate Sex Lives of Famous People (recently re- released in an updated edition by Feral House), Significa (based on a long-running Parade magazine column), and The Book of Predictions. She coauthored a biography, The Two: The Story of the Original Siamese Twins, with her father, the world-famous novelist Irving Wallace. Her second biography was The Prodigy: A Biography of William James Sidis, the World’s Greatest Child Prodigy. She also wrote an acclaimed erotic novel, Desire. Among her most recent works are the controversial memoir Sorcerer’s Apprentice: My Life with Carlos Castaneda and The Official Punk Rock Book of Lists (with Handsome Dick Manitoba). Amy shares her birthday, July 3, with Franz Kafka and Mississippi John Hurt. She lives in Los Angeles with two cats, Hank and Bella, who serve as her editors by lying across the keyboard at critical moments.
Scott Bradley was born on July 25, 1972, in Springfield, Missouri, the birthplace of serial killer Francis Dolarhyde in Red Dragon by Thomas Harris. Scott considers himself generally better- adjusted than Mr. Dolarhyde, however, and even earned a bachelor’s degree in English from the University of Missouri–Kansas City. He has worked a variety of jobs, including fast food cook, security guard, office temp, Hollywood talent agency assistant, and video store clerk. His criticism and journalism have appeared in Film Quarterly, The Kansas City Star, Creative Screenwriting, and other publications, as well as on the podcast Pod of Horror. He originally joined The Book of Lists series as a staff writer/researcher in 2004. He is at work on a novel and (with Jason Aaron) on the literary biography of the legendary Vietnam War author Gustav Hasford. Scott lives in Los Angeles, across the street from Amy Wallace, and suggests you visit www.myspace.com/ScottBradley007 for more information on his exploits, past and present.
Del Howison, with his wife, Sue, created America’s only all-horror book and gift store, Dark Delicacies, as fans and for fans, and they remain among horror’s biggest aficionados. They, and the store, have been featured on many television documentaries concerning horror and the nature of evil. A former photojournalist, Del has also written articles for a variety of publications, including Rue Morgue and Gauntlet magazines, along with a foreword for the Wildside Press edition of Varney the Vampyre. His short stories have appeared in a variety of anthologies, and he coedited, with Jeff Gelb, the Bram Stoker Award–winning anthology Dark Delicacies: Original Tales of Horror and the Macabre, and its follow-up, Dark Delicacies 2: Fear.
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.
ALSO BY AMY WALLACE The Psychic Healing Book
(with Bill Henkin)
The Two
(with Irving Wallace)
The Book of Lists
(with Irving Wallace and David Wallechinsky) The Book of Lists 2
(with Irving Wallace and David Wallechinsky) The Book of Lists: The Nineties Edition (with David Wallechinsky)
The New Book of Lists
(with David Wallechinsky)
The Official Punk Rock Book of Lists (with “Handsome” Dick Manitoba)
Significa
(with Irving Wallace and David Wallechinsky) The Book of Predictions
(with Irving Wallace and David Wallechinsky) The Intimate Sex Lives of Famous People (with Irving Wallace, Sylvia Wallace, and David Wallechinsky) The Prodigy: A Biography of William James Sidis Desire (a novel)
Sorcerer’s Apprentice: My Life with Carlos Castaneda
ALSO BY DEL HOWISON
Dark Delicacies Dark Delicacies 2: Fear
Credits
Designed by Laura Kaeppel Cover design by Milan Bozic Copyright
THE BOOK OF LISTS: HORROR. Copyright © 2008 by Amy Wallace, Scott Bradley, and Del Howison. Introduction copyright © 2008 by Gahan Wilson. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book onscreen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.