The Darkness Within

by Deorre, Iris

  ‘You have a visitor,’ said Bailey.

  ‘Erm…I don’t have anything in my calendar.’

  ‘He says he’s a friend. A mighty sexy one, I must say myself.’

  ‘Bailey please.’

  ‘His name is Ferguson. Should I let him in?’

  ‘How the hell did he find me?’

  ‘You’re owner and head editor of a very popular magazine. How hard would it be?’

  She smiled. ‘Okay, let him in.’

  ‘Good choice.’

  ‘Out!’ she laughed.

  Freya waited not sure how she felt about seeing him again. Bailey was right, he was gorgeous, but there were more pressing things than a sexy man.

  ‘Miss Johnson,’ he said as he walked in.

  ‘Hi,’ she smiled. ‘What are you doing here?’ she got right to it.

  ‘I’ve come to see how you’re doing. May I?’ He nodded at the chair.

  ‘Sure.’ She swirled on the swivel chair.

  ‘Nice offices. It’s a surprise that a woman as successful as you would want to end her life. You have it all.’

  She laughed. ‘It seems that way on the surface, but not everything you see is true.’

  ‘I see. Do you care to show me the real you?’

  ‘No.’ she smiled.

  ‘You haven’t been to a meeting have you? And you’ve started drinking again.’

  ‘Excuse me?’

  ‘I can read all the signs. My bastard of a father was an alcoholic for all his life. He…’ he was silent.

  ‘He what?’

  ‘He was very abusive towards me, made my mother ill to the point of death and I had to put up with him. I did everything I could to forgive him, but the bastard wouldn’t let up. I would take out my anger in other ways.’

  ‘Yeah? How’s that?’

  ‘That my dear is a secret.’ He smiled wickedly.

  ‘Hmmm, you sound like a dangerous man.’

  ‘Not really. Just one who has come out of a bad situation. I know that your drinking stems from somewhere.’

  ‘Do you now? When did you become a psychologist?’

  ‘It doesn’t take a professional to know that what’s going on with you is deeper than your drinking.’

  ‘I see.’

  ‘So; lunch? I know that your assistant is capable of taking care of things this afternoon. I checked.’

  ‘You did, did you?’

  ‘I did. I also took the opportunity to invite myself to your charity ball.’

  ‘Why would you do that? And I must remember to fire Bailey.’

  ‘Well you’ll be pleased to know that I have one of the deepest pockets. Like you I host charity balls and only invite those worthy of inviting. The ones who want to be seen as though they’re making a contribution to the world.’

  ‘You’re one of them are you? I don’t know you.’

  ‘Well that’s because you’ve spent a lot of your time drunk.’

  ‘Wow. That’s hurtful.’

  ‘Take it like it is. I’m not judging you. Look me up.’ He told her that he’d just bought into an oil business that sent him to the top of the rich list.

  Freya took time to scan him and check him out.

  ‘You can interview me as an eligible bachelor. I’ll let you.’

  She laughed. ‘Very big headed of you. What makes you think I want to?’

  ‘I know you do. Everyone does.’

  ‘I see. Well, I’ll let you come to the ball, only because I want your money.’

  ‘I wouldn’t want anything less.’ He smiled. ‘So? Shall we go for this lunch?’

  ‘Will I be allowed to drink?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Really? Everyone else wants me to stop.’

  ‘Because I know that your drinking is more than drinking. We need to get to the root cause. Once that happens the drinking will stop.’

  ‘And you think you’re the person to get there.’

  ‘Yes.’ He pulled on the collar of his suit jacket. ‘So, you coming.’

  She sighed. It was a little hard to say no to him. ‘To be honest I really don’t want to date right now.’

  ‘Who said anything about a date? It’s just lunch.’

  She pursed her lips together. ‘It’s never just lunch.’

  ‘With me it is. I’m not like everyone else so don’t put me in a group.’ He winked as he stood up. ‘Come on, let’s get you fed.’ He smiled.

  She loosened up and smiled. Freya picked up her bag and followed him. He opened the door.

  ‘After you,’ he said.

  ‘Thank you.’ She noticed Bailey smiling at her desk. ‘You! I will fire you when I get back.’

  ‘Nope, you’ll thank me.’ she winked.

  ‘I’ll be back in an hour.’

  ‘Don’t rush back, I have everything under control.’

  ‘Don’t think you’ve been let off.’

  ‘I know.’ She winked. ‘Have fun.’ she shouted after them!

  ****

  They found a nice little restaurant in Leeds city centre. Freya looked at her watch as if that would allow her to drink.

  ‘You don’t need permission to drink. Just go ahead and order what you want,’ said Ferguson.

  She laughed.

  ‘Seriously. I’ve lived with an alcoholic. They don’t need the right time. You drink whenever you want to.’

  ‘And you’re okay with it?’

  ‘It’s not that I’m okay with it. I just know I can’t stop you even if I wanted to, so why bother.’

  ‘Oh…okay.’

  ‘It’s true though. An alcoholic can only help themselves. You can’t make them do anything.’

  ‘I’m so glad you get that.’

  ‘It doesn’t mean I approve.’

  ‘Of course not.’ She smiled.

  The waiter arrived at their table and Freya ordered a double vodka and coke. Ferguson ordered a lemonade.

  ‘What do you fancy eating?’ he asked.

  ‘Not sure.’ She picked up the menu and studied it. Ferguson watched her a moment. He was intrigued by the colourful character woman in front of him. ‘Maybe I’ll go for the wings and the house salad. It is afternoon.’

  ‘Is that it?’

  ‘Nope I’ll be having more vodka’s!’

  He laughed. ‘You do as you please.’

  The waiter returned with the drinks. Freya told him to wait a moment while she took big gulps. ‘Why don’t you just bring me a straight double.’ She told him.

  ‘A vodka double on the way.’

  She took in more of the drink and allowed it to do it’s magic.

  ‘You sure know how to take down your drink,’ he said teasingly.

  ‘I do. I’m an alcoholic remember.’

  ‘How could I forget.’ He took a sip of his drink. ‘I must say that it’s interesting watching you taking down the alcohol.’

  ‘Why? It’s nothing admirable.’

  ‘Maybe not, but you do, do what you want regardless. So that’s an admirable trait.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yep. I see the strengths in people rather than their weaknesses. Weaknesses don’t help anyone.’

  ‘I see. You definitely have a different take on substance abuse.’

  ‘I just think we all have our drug of choice.’

  ‘Yeah? What’s yours?’

  ‘Seeing someone struggle for their last breath.’

  She was silent a while. What was he talking about? Was he some sort of killer? She had never taken his father’s story seriously, but he seemed serious as he said it.

  ‘There is something satisfying seeing a person struggle for their last breath and I’m in control of it.’

  ‘Are you serious?’ she was a bit worried.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Why would you tell me that?’ She was a little fearful.

  ‘I thought we were sharing. Too much information?’

  ‘Yes. Tell me you’re not serious about this?’


  He smiled. ‘Don’t worry. I’m not serious.’ He lied.

  ‘Hew. Thank god.’ She’d been worried then.

  ‘What if I was. What if I could make your darkest nightmare disappear?’

  ‘What makes you think I have one?’

  ‘The alcohol. You try to cover it up, or supress it by drinking. I see you,’ he said.

  ‘Do you now?’

  ‘I do. I see it very clearly and with time you will tell me what it is that has been tormenting you all these years.’

  ‘Nothing. I’m just a drunk and I don’t know how to stop myself. ‘

  ‘I don’t believe that.’

  The waiter returned with her double vodka neat. Freya took it down like a pro and ordered another one with their food order.

  ‘Thank you,’ she said to the waiter.

  ‘So can I take you out later tonight or sometime this week?’

  ‘Is that a date?’

  ‘Yes. Do you go out on dates?’

  ‘Not really. I don’t really like men.’

  ‘And why is that?’

  ‘Well…I just don’t think I have time for them. Once a man is in my life there is no time for drinking,’ she joked.

  ‘With me there will always be time.’

  ‘Shouldn’t you be discouraging me from drinking?’

  ‘That is not my job. I just want you to be happy.’

  She thought about that. What did happiness mean? She hadn’t felt happy since the first year of university. Happy wasn’t a word she associated with herself.

  ‘I see. I don’t think that will be possible.’

  ‘Well, I can at least try.’

  They continued to chat, moving from subject to subject. Freya began loosening up the more she drank. She was laughing and smiling which in turn made Ferguson like her more.

  ‘Look I think I better get back,’ she said finally after looking at her watch. ‘I have a meeting at two thirty. I really need to prep for it.’

  ‘In your state?’

  ‘Oh I’ve done a lot more in a worse state. This is nothing.’

  ‘If you say so. Let me walk you back to the office.’ He stood up.

  ‘You don’t have to do that.’

  ‘Yes I do and you’re not going to stop me.’

  She liked him. He was strong and arrogant, and non-judgemental. Perhaps this was the change she needed in her life. They took to the busy streets of Leeds. The office was only two blocks away. They spoke briefly about life in general. Freya was high on booze and was craving a snort of cocaine, which she would do in the toilets at work. He did his best not to judge her even though he was worried that her habit would be the death of her.

  ‘This is me,’ she said reaching the entrance of the office.

  ‘It is. Come here.’ He pulled her into him unexpectedly. ‘You are the most interesting and challenging woman I’ve ever met. I like you.’ He pressed his lips against hers.

  Even though Freya would’ve liked to reject his affection she couldn’t. She found herself giving in to him and letting him do what he pleased. But as soon as it started she pulled away.

  ‘Don’t,’ she said pulling away. ‘I can’t deal with this.’

  ‘You don’t have to. Let me deal with it for you. Let me be the one who deals with everything for you.’

  She looked up into his eyes and saw the way he wanted to protect her. She could physically feel it from him.

  ‘I’ll see you later tonight. I’m taking you out,’ he said.

  ‘I don’t think I’m in the mood.’

  ‘You will be. Until then beautiful lady.’ He took her hand and brushed it with a kiss.

  Freya could’ve easily stopped him but she couldn’t. She liked him showing so much interest in her. She wanted him, and she wanted him now, but she didn’t show it.

  ‘Fine. What time? At least you’ve got to give me a time.’

  ‘How about half seven?’

  ‘Make it eight,’ she said.

  ‘Yes boss.’ He winked. ‘Eight o’clock and just be yourself.’

  ‘Oh I intend to.’ She smiled. ‘I’ve got to go.’ Freya had the urge to shoot up cocaine. She had to do it before the voices appeared.

  ‘Okay. See you at eight.’

  She headed straight into the office building without looking back. There was a more important matter than the gorgeous man she’d left behind. Freya headed straight for the bathroom rather than for her office. The minute she closed the cubicle she pulled the small bag of cocaine she had in her handbag and began to send it up her nose. She shut her eyes taking it in. It took effect immediately especially with the alcohol already in her system. Freya was floating on cloud nine. Nothing and no one would be able to stop her now.

  A few people came in and out of the toilet. Freya remained dead still on the toilet seat. She didn’t want to stand up too quickly just in case she staggered out of there and every one of her employees would know that she was high. Freya couldn’t have that. After the last person had left the toilet, Freya stood up, wiped her nose and finally left the cubicle. She was a little wobbly, but hoped no one would notice. She headed for the taps and gazed at herself in the mirror. Looking at herself, everything seemed fine. Nothing seemed out of place, at least not to her. She washed her hands, straightened up and headed back for the office.

  ‘You have some messages waiting for you,’ said Bailey the moment she saw Freya walk in.

  ‘Great thanks. I’ll take a look.’

  ‘You have a meeting at two today.’

  ‘Yes I remember.’

  ‘Great, just making sure everything is in order.’

  ‘I know, and I’m grateful for it.’ She moved towards her chair feeling a little dizzy.

  ‘Are you alright?’ Bailey was by her side to catch her.

  ‘I’m fine. Just feeling a little faint. I’ll be fine.’

  There was a whiff of the vodka that passed Bailey’s nose. Bailey was only a little aware of her illness, but she’d never really known how bad it was.

  ‘How was lunch?’ she asked as Freya sat down.

  ‘It was nice. Charming man.’

  ‘Yes. Very sexy.’

  ‘Yes well…I didn’t really notice.’

  ‘How’s that even possible?’

  ‘You know me. I’m all about work. I don’t really have time for men.’

  ‘Why is that? I mean they’re always throwing themselves at you.’

  ‘I guess they like a challenge. People always want what they don’t have. They can’t have me therefore I’m a challenge.’

  ‘Remind me to play that game.’

  ‘That’s the thing. It’s not a game for me. I’m genuinely not interested. I think men pick up on games.’

  ‘I guess you’re right. Out of curiosity will you see him again?’

  ‘Yes. Tonight. Now enough questions we’ve got work to do. I need to speak to you to see how far you’ve got with the guest list for the ball. How about we sit down within half an hour?’

  ‘Yes, of course boss.’

  ‘Great, see you then.’ She put her head down and got to work.

  Chapter Four

  Freya had changed three times. For the first time in her life she was feeling a little nervous. Even though she didn’t want to admit it to herself, she really did like Ferguson and deep down wanted to impress him. She finally settled on a short black and white striped dress, with a pair of black heels. It seemed to do the trick. She headed downstairs and found a bottle of vodka she’d recently added to her collection of booze and opened it. Freya poured herself a glass. She drank it neat. She’d taken her medication earlier that evening and so for now, none of the voices would appear and ruin the night. About ten minutes later the doorbell rang. Freya cleared the glass of its contents and headed for the door.

  ‘Hi.’ She smiled from ear to ear once she’d opened the door. He looked amazing in his black jeans and sky blue shirt that had the first top buttons undone.

  ‘Hi, you l
ook amazing!’ he said.

  ‘Yes I think I do.’ She laughed.

  ‘Love it. Love the confidence.’ He laughed.

  ‘It’s the booze talking.’

  ‘So you’ve been drinking?’

  ‘Does that surprise you?’

  ‘No, I expect nothing less.’ He knew she was an alcoholic and that she would definitely be drunk. He wanted to help her through it, not judge her. Judgement just made her want to jump off a bridge.

  ‘Good, because I thought I’d have to shut the door on you.’

  ‘That won’t happen with me.’ He held out his hand for her to take. ‘Ready?’

  ‘Yep.’ She put her hand in his and they stepped out into the night.

  Ferguson had chosen a city pub/club after they’d had something to eat. He wanted her to feel at home and was sure that this was her kind of style.

  ‘Is this to your satisfaction?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes. I think I’m going to like it here.’ She fiddled for her phone and sent a text to Allen.

  ‘Who are you contacting?’

  ‘Gosh you’re nosy.’

  ‘I am. I want to be part of your life in every way.’

  ‘Don’t you think asking for text details is a bit too much?’

  ‘Maybe, but I do like to try. See how far I can get.’

  She laughed. Every moment she spent with him she liked him. He didn’t seem to want to stop her from being anything but herself.

  ‘Do you really want to know who I’ve been in touch with?’

  ‘That’s up to you, isn’t it?’

  ‘I suppose, but your curiosity and frankness makes me want to share.’

  ‘So share. There is no judgement here.’

  ‘Well I was in touch with my supplier, Allen.’

  ‘Supplier of what?’

  ‘Are you serious?’ She took a gulp of the vodka.

  ‘Yes. I don’t want to assume.’

  ‘Fine.’ She looked around to make sure no one was listening. ‘He’s my coke supplier.’

  Ferguson didn’t blink, instead he smiled. ‘I see.’

  ‘So? Bad right?’

  ‘Like I said. No judgment from me.’

  ‘Why? Why is that?’ she didn’t know if she was annoyed or relieved. ‘I’ve been judged ever since my habit started. All anyone wants is for me to stop, but you… you don’t. Don’t you care?’

  ‘It’s not about caring is it though? I mean you’ll do whatever you want whether I tell you not to or not. You have to be the one who decides to stop your drinking and coke habits. Nothing I say or do will change anything.’