Shattered Glass

by A. C. Katt

  “I won’t stay long. I need a favor.”

  “What?”

  “I-I have a date tonight and I’m short on cash.”

  “How much do you need?”

  “I can only get two hundred from the ATM. I want to impress this one. Do you have five bills?”

  “Yeah, sure. But that’s all the cash Milo lets me keep in the house. You seem to be going through a lot of cash lately.”

  “What can I tell you? Keeping up my image is important. People expect a rock star to throw money around. He only lets you keep five bills? What a control freak. Will you get in trouble if you give it to me?”

  “No, I don’t have many expenses and he’ll give me more at the end of the week. I think I put it in the drawer upstairs.”

  Rick tried to control his shakes while Liam was in the room. He could barely hold it together. That son of a bitch, Bart, promised to fix him up and then left him high and dry. Now he had to go out and look for a fix himself. He knew he had to stop using. He was an addict. He knew he needed help.

  Rick spent the winter at the end of a figurative chain connected to Bart’s wrist. If Milo found out he was using, he’d kick him out of the band. The band was his life. Milo and Liam could make it on their own without him and Bart. He had to keep that in mind. If he told Sam, Sam would blow the whistle on both of them. He couldn’t afford to squeal. He couldn’t break up the band.

  * * * *

  Milo hit the door at midnight. He did the show and, still pissed over Liam’s attitude that morning, went out for a few drinks with Bart. He found Liam asleep on the couch. “Baby, come to bed, it’s late.”

  “I tried to wait up for you. I’m sorry I was such an asswipe.”

  “Yeah, but you’re my asswipe.”

  “You’ve been drinking.”

  “Don’t start, baby. I just want to go to bed and fuck the life out of you.”

  “Do you love me, Milo?”

  “You’re mine, always.” Milo kissed Liam on the forehead, grabbed his hand, and pulled him up the stairs.

  * * * *

  The band practiced at the larger Red Bank Studio. “Damn it, Rick, get it right this time,” Milo fumed. “What the fuck is wrong with you? You did better than this when you first picked up a guitar. We’ll be out on the road in a week. Do you want to crash and burn during a concert?”

  “I’ve had it for tonight,” Bart said. “My fingers are numb. I’m barely keeping the beat, and the kid’s voice is getting hoarse. Let’s call it a night. Come on, let the kid go home for some tea and lemon. I’ll take you out for a drink.”

  “He’s right,” Rick chimed in. “We’re all tired. The new stuff is tricky, it’s got all these fancy riffs and shit. We’re not the London Symphony.”

  “Milo,” Liam pleaded, “maybe you should come home and rest. We can work out the bugs at the small studio at home. We both could use some tea and downtime.”

  “Just go home, baby. Bart and I will work a bit on the music, and I’ll be along in an hour or two.”

  “I wrote the fucking music. Shouldn’t I be working on it with you?”

  “Look, we’re lovers, not fucking Siamese twins. I told you, I’ll be home later.”

  Liam scowled. “All right. Fine.” Liam walked away from the keyboard.

  Milo, Bart, and Rick headed for the exit, leaving Liam to go home by himself—again.

  Danny Hobbs was adjusting the wiring for the new soundboards when Liam wandered over. “I don’t know what’s wrong with us lately. Rick is playing like a fucking novice. Milo is always in a temper. Every time I try to approach him to find out what’s wrong, he dismisses me or wants to fuck.” Liam sat on the floor with his head between his knees.

  “How long has it been since you ate a proper meal, kid? I haven’t seen you with anything but Coke for a week.”

  “My stomach’s been upset. It always acts up when I’m upset.”

  “Come on. I’ll take you out for pancakes.”

  “Really? It would be nice to have some company for a change.”

  “Yeah, we’ll go over to the diner. Nora went to bingo, and her mom is watching Jimmy. I’ve got an hour or two before I have to hightail it back home. Besides, I know something I think you better tell Milo.”

  They hopped into Danny’s old Honda and drove over to a diner on the highway. The waitress gave them menus, and they settled into a back booth out of sight of the rest of the late night crowd.

  “Order the pancakes. They’ll line your stomach,” Danny suggested.

  “What is going on?” Liam asked, pulling the utensils out of the folded napkin.

  “Kid, Rick has a drug habit. An expensive one, if I’m not mistaken. Has he been borrowing money?”

  Liam shrugged. “Well, yeah, but Rick’s never been good with cash.”

  “His cash is going up his nose, and Bart’s doing the dealing.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I recognize the signs. I used to be a junkie before Nora straightened me out.”

  “You, a junkie? I can’t conceive of that.”

  “It’s true. I was young, vulnerable, and stupid, and became addicted almost accidentally. I went from wanting to needing in what seemed like a New York minute. So, I know the signs. That boy is using, big time.”

  “Have you seen him using drugs?”

  “Couple of times. He doesn’t pay much attention to anyone but Milo and Sam, and he doesn’t think you know enough to notice. Just stay clear of being alone with Rick or Bart. Bart means you harm.”

  “I know that. I’ve tried to tell Milo, but he won’t listen.”

  “I’d tell him myself, only I need this job.” The waitress came and set down their plates. They ate mostly in silence. “You know,” Danny said, “you could tell Sam.”

  “I never even see Sam.”

  “Call him,” Danny insisted. “I know what drugs can do to a band, and that bastard is dealing to the roadies, too.”

  “Maybe I’ll confront Rick first. Maybe he’ll listen to me.”

  “Suit yourself. But most addicts don’t listen till they hit the gutter. Unless they have a Nora in their corner.”

  “I’ll get the check.”

  “No, kid, this time is on me.”

  Danny drove Liam back to his car at the studio. The ride was quiet. Liam had a lot to think about.

  * * * *

  Rick parted company with the other men outside. Milo and Bart drove to a local gin mill in Belmar. Dark and quiet, it catered to a local crowd, and nobody bothered them when they sat at the end of the bar. Bart ordered two whiskeys, neat, with beer chasers.

  “The kid looks like he’s getting antsy,” Bart said. “Aren’t you keeping him busy?”

  “Mind your own fucking business. I keep him plenty busy. He doesn’t understand how much work it is trying to keep it all together.”

  “I told you I’d help you out, man. You can’t do it all yourself. You’re not Superman. Liam’s just a kid, and Rick’s a fucking airhead. I thought Sam was supposed to be doing most of this now that he’s opened the agency.”

  “Sam’s busy trying to establish himself. Once he gets it together, he’ll handle it.”

  “The kid is losing weight and has circles under his eyes. Is he using?”

  “Of course not.”

  Bart held up his hand against Milo’s show of temper. “Just saying. He’s young and kids like to experiment. What does he do when you’re not around?”

  “I don’t know. He keeps himself busy.”

  “Well, if I had a lover that young, I’d keep an eye out. You don’t know who he’s keeping busy with.”

  “Enough. Liam’s not like that. He’s mine and he knows it.”

  “Okay, buddy, ‘nuff said. It’s your life.”

  “I’ve had enough. I’m going home.”

  “Yeah, he’ll be waiting for you, I’m sure.”

  Bart let him go. Another seed sown. He was a patient man, and knew it would bear fruit soon
enough.

  * * * *

  Milo didn’t see Liam’s car in the driveway when Milo pulled up to the house.

  Shit, what if Bart knows something I don’t?

  He opened the door and called Liam’s name. The cats scampered down the stairs at the sound of his voice, but no Liam.

  He poured himself another drink and sat down on the couch to wait. An hour later, he heard Liam’s car door slam. He walked in the door and looked at Milo. “You’re home.”

  “Yeah. Where did you go?” Milo asked in a quiet voice.

  “I went to the diner and had pancakes with Danny.”

  “Who is Danny?”

  “Danny, the roadie, for Christ’s sake. He’s worked for us for six years, and you don’t even know who he is?”

  “It seems like you know him well enough for both of us.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying you better not be fucking around.”

  “Milo, you are out with Bart at least three nights a week. I got hungry. We had a meal at the diner. He dropped me off at the studio and I rode around for a while.”

  “I don’t like lies, baby.”

  “I’m not fucking lying. You took off with Bart just as you always do, and told me to go home like a good little boy. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m almost twenty-one and not a boy anymore. Since when are pancakes a crime? On top of that, you’re stinking drunk. With all the time you spend with Bart, I should be the one questioning you.”

  Milo grabbed hold of Liam’s arm and pulled him up the stairs. “You are mine, Liam, and don’t you forget it. I want to know where you go and with whom, and I’m going to fuck that bubble ass of yours so hard that you won’t forget you belong to me in the future.”

  Liam jerked his arm free. “Is that all I am to you? A fuck toy to take out when you’re horny? I’m a human being, same as you. Everything in this relationship can’t go your way all the time.”

  “What the fuck do you mean by that, you little bastard? I take care of everything around here. All the fuck you have to do is sit down and write the goddamned music.”

  “It’s not like you give me the opportunity to do anything else. I just sit on the shelf until it’s time to perform and then climb back up until you decide you want to get laid. Is that all we have together? Are you so piss drunk that you can’t see I’d do anything for you?”

  Liam turned around to face Milo and said, “Fine, take what you want, you will anyway.”

  Milo pushed him down on the bed and ripped off Liam’s jeans and shirt. He opened his fly and took out his hard cock. “This is the only one of these you are ever going to see, baby.” He rolled Liam over onto his stomach and with only a swipe of lube on his cock, began to fuck Liam hard. Milo was drunk. He slammed in and out of Liam’s ass with no care for his comfort. When Liam cried out for him to stop, he didn’t hear him. Milo didn’t even notice Liam’s tears until after he shot.

  “Oh my God, baby, I’m so sorry. The thought of you with someone else put me in a red haze. Please forgive me. I need you so much. I can’t lose you. Please, look at me!” Milo pulled at Liam frantically. “Liam, look at me, please baby.” Milo collapsed on the bed.

  Liam turned to face him. “I swear to you on Lily’s grave, I will never cheat. It’s only you, Milo. Always you. You have to believe that.”

  “Baby, I’m so sorry. I had too much to drink. All I could think about was you with that roadie and I got crazy. You’re mine, Liam, I can’t let anyone else have you.”

  Milo held Liam in his arms, crying silently. Liam kissed his ear and Milo slipped away, the heat of his temper now quiet. He undressed and went into the bathroom. When he returned, he brought a warm washcloth. He gently cleaned Liam’s genitals and ass, kissing his back and murmuring apologies.

  “Come to bed. Just hold me,” Liam said and he turned out the light resigned to discussing this in the morning when Milo was sober enough to understand what he had done.

  * * * *

  After a sleepless night, Milo got out of bed at dawn. He went down to the study and called Sam.

  “Hello, Milo.”

  “How did you know it was me?”

  “Caller ID. Besides, who else would call me at five thirty in the morning?”

  “I need to talk. About Liam.”

  “What about Liam? It must be serious because I can hear you pacing.”

  “We had an argument last night.”

  “Couples argue.”

  “I had a major shit fit. I can’t keep doing this, and I don’t know how to stop.”

  “Doing what?”

  “I left him to go out for a drink with Bart. When I came home, I didn’t see his car in the driveway—”

  “And you went ballistic.”

  “Yeah. He went out for pancakes with one of the roadies and all I could see was him humping someone else.” Milo was so ashamed of himself he couldn’t even bring himself to tell Sam what he did to Liam.

  “Why didn’t you take him with you?”

  “Rehearsal went badly. When Bart suggested the drink, I thought it would be a good idea. I went. Liam got pissed.”

  “Why didn’t you ask him to go with you?”

  “You know Liam can’t stand Bart. Besides, he’s not twenty-one yet.”

  “Milo, he’s been in and out of bars and clubs since the age of twelve. They wouldn’t have thrown him out if he ordered a Coke. What’s the real reason? This is me you’re talking to, remember?”

  “I can’t control myself around him. When he’s near me, I want to hold him, put my arms around him, claim him as mine and I can’t.”

  “Milo, we’ve had this discussion before. He’s no longer jailbait. What’s wrong with being with the guy you love?”

  “Everyone will know. It wouldn’t be good for the band.”

  “Milo, Elton John’s openly gay and it hasn’t affected his record sales. For Christ’s sake, he does work for Disney. It’s not the band, Milo, it’s you. You have been fighting what you are for years for no good reason. Your true friends already know. The roadies know. There are always rumors in the media. Liam is obviously gay. We spent years trying to tone it down because of where we were raised, but we’re not there anymore. The entertainment industry is a big tent, no one is going to throw you out because you and Liam are lovers. This is your macho bullshit talking.”

  “He says I put him on a shelf and just take him out to perform or fuck and then I lock him away again.”

  “Do you? Ask yourself that question and answer it honestly for a change.”

  “I don’t know.” Milo checked the door to make sure he was still alone.

  “Milo, have you ever taken him out dancing? Do you go to dinner, or a movie?”

  “I haven’t got a lot of time with the band—”

  “Cut the crap. I played in and managed that band for years, and yet I had time to finish law school. I only asked for a break to study for the bar. I passed the bar three years ago, opened the firm, and yet even though Shattered Glass is one of my most important clients, you won’t let me do my job. You insist on handling everything yourself. What the fuck are you really hiding from?”

  “I think I’m afraid to lose him. He’s still so young. I’m scared he’s going to go out and find someone else.”

  “If you keep pushing him away, it’ll only happen faster. Fuck, you need to get the hell out of the closet. Your father’s dead, he can’t do you any damage. If you still have issues with that, see a counselor. You need to do something or you will push everything and everyone you love so far away from you that you’ll never get them back.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “You better do more than think.”

  Milo sat in the study and stared at the wall. Was Sam right, could it be him? But Bart had toured with a few other bands, he knew how much all of this took out of a man. He said Liam just didn’t understand how much it took to keep it all together. He didn’t know, and his ignorance of his
own feelings had caused a rift between not only himself and Liam, but between him, Sam, and Rick. He wished it could be simple. All he wanted to do was love and take care of his baby in peace.

  * * * *

  Milo went back upstairs to the bedroom. Liam lay on his stomach, with the cats sleeping on the pillow above his head. Milo looked at him longingly. He had to stop running from his heart. He crossed the bare wood floor and sat on the edge of the bed. He was determined to make it up to him somehow. Lifting the covers, he slid in beside him.

  “Baby,” he whispered as he began to stroke his back. “Baby, I need to talk to you.”

  “You’re here. I dreamed that you left.”

  “No, love, I’m right here beside you. Come into my arms, let me love you.”

  “You’re not mad at me anymore?”

  “No, I’m mad at myself for being an unreasonable, jealous prick.”

  Liam rolled over on his side and the sheet slipped down below his waist. Milo kept stroking his skin.

  “I didn’t do anything wrong,” Liam said. “I swear. I just needed to talk to someone. I know you need to run the band. I don’t want to be another burden. I’m so lonely sometimes. Danny’s just a friend. He’s as het as you can get. I didn’t want to spend the evening feeling sorry for myself.”

  “You’re right. I haven’t been putting the time into our relationship that you deserve. I have been taking you for granted. I promise, I’ll try and do better. You are still so young. The thought of you finding someone else makes me crazy.”

  “I keep telling you, you are it for me. There will never, ever, be anyone else. If you believe nothing else I tell you, believe that.”

  “I’ll try, baby.”

  Milo’s hands moved down Liam’s torso, stroking him into arousal. He tried to be as gentle this morning as he was rough the previous evening. He worshipped Liam’s body with his mouth, moving down his chest to his now blatant erection. Placing soft kisses on Liam’s long, slender shaft, he wrapped his mouth around the mushroomed head and began to suck with a soft motion that caressed his lover’s organ in his warm mouth. He fondled Liam’s balls, licked and sucked around the head, deliberately avoiding his lover’s ass because he thought Liam would still be sore from his rough treatment of last night.