The Quest

by Olivia Gracey

  “You already have one of those!”

  “All of you, baby. Come on now. Spread your legs. Be a good girl for me. Do as you’re told and take the pic.”

  Hmm.

  Chapter Four

  Self Pity-Pen

  It was well into the wee hours of the morning that we talked on the phone and played naked picture tag until of course, he wanted the really naughty one. Of course, I never sent it mainly because I never do things that I’m told to “be a good girl” and do. “I’m woman hear me roar!” I thought it was inappropriate. First and foremost I am a lady. I have my limits. If he had kept on just begging I probably would have come close but never caved. But since he added a little attitude, he not only didn’t get it but it ended the conversation.

  Funny how the sound of his voice wishing I was right there beside him, smothering him in kisses and allowing him to feel up my every curve was nice to hear. I missed that sort of attention from a man. All of the pictures he sent me were thrilling and left nothing to the imagination so yeah, I giggled a lot over those! Dude was seriously hung! Mother Nature wasn’t paying attention when she built his parts; A little freakish yet somehow intriguing. If I only had pictures such as those back in my slumber party days to share with my girlfriends, we would have had great fun dissecting him! Can’t you just imagine a group of us girls giggling and comparing him to those nude guys in those magazines? Not that we ever did stuff like that. Nope, not us.

  I never knew phone sex could be so exhausting, though! I was worn out from the pretend sex we had together on the phone. The only buzz kill was I was still alone when I hung up on him; Just me and my pink silky thong panties lying on the floor staring at me as if I had just done something so unruly they couldn’t bear to look at me. Truth was they were jealous they were left out of all the fun. I smiled really wide and left them lying there reminding them they are not always needed especially in moments such as this and then resumed my scrolling back through all the pictures he had sent me.

  After deleting several hundred of not so pretty ones, I felt the need to catch some shut-eye before the morning sun arrived. I made a final trip, tip-toeing to the bathroom then returning back to my warm spot in my bed. I passed by my silky thong again lying patiently on the floor waiting to find its way back upon my curves. I smiled again remembering the naughty feeling I had when I first slipped them off and denied their request. It was appropriate to leave them there just to seal the naughtiness of the eventful night with the handsome stranger on the phone.

  Sometimes even good girls need to feel naughty. It doesn’t mean they are bad girls, it just means they are human. That was my first sometime in a very long time. And a time unlike any other I had ever experienced. I had hope as I drifted off to sleep I could have a repeat of those moments on the phone. I needed that feeling I felt when I first slipped off those panties again. It was exhilarating! The guy was another one I had met online. Our profiles matched up quite beautifully at ninety-five percent. He loves football; I love football. He drives a truck; I drive a truck. He has dark hair and big brown eyes; well, so do I. He seemed well established and far in his career field but he seemed to travel a lot. This week he was in DC. I didn’t mind he was calling while he was away or suggesting our phone sex. I actually enjoyed the attention. I was hoping to have had a few dates with him before things got so personal, though. I guess we just had an easy connection so getting down to naughty was quite easy to do for both of us. Well, at least it was easy over the phone. I’m not so sure I would have jumped to taking my panties off that quickly in person. I am just not that type of girl. And isn’t there a rule for that? There must be a waiting period between a meet and greet and a naughty-nude night. And yes, the fear of sending such pictures did cross my mind. I really didn’t know this guy. What if he’s a serial dater? A keeper of a porn site? What if he sells them to desperate men looking for a thrill? Then I remembered that none of the pics had my beautiful beaming smile in them and none possessed an up close and personal picture of my coochie-cooch. Wheh! I was safe.

  I wonder if there’s a book on ‘dating on websites for dummies’? I could sure use one. I am pretty sure the whole phone sex thing isn’t allowed before the first meet and greet. And I am pretty sure half nude pictures are not allowed too, at least until way further down the road and even so with restrictions. But you see how lonely I am? And I don’t know the rules! I don’t know how to behave with these things! I have no willpower to say no. Yes, I have morals, values, I know all about sin, lust, and the meaning of meaningful sex. But when you are single, not to mention a lonely single woman who hasn’t had a date in months, been railroaded by the love of your life, and some guy shows you a lot of attention, some things just get out of hand. Not making excuses for myself mind you, just keeping it real. So to all those lonely ladies out there, I feel ya!

  Radley was the only man that could ever make my panties disappear in seconds flat. He was magical like that. “Yup, magical.” My mind raced with the thoughts of him gently gliding over me never knowing when he actually removed them.

  “Ugh! Leave me alone!” I shouted into the thin air in my bedroom. Why won’t he leave me alone? Well, leave me alone in my mind that is. He haunts me always. Why does he do that? Every time I try to focus on someone else he pops into my head with these little moments we had together. You know those moments like the grass in the park where he laid his hard rock body across a blanket and I lay with my head on his stomach using his body as my pillow as we watched the clouds roll by. One time he had plucked a flower on our walk to the grassy area and began plucking off petal by petal saying, “Do you love me? Do you love me not? Do you love me?” Of course, I loved him. How could I not? He was my world, my soulmate. We fit! We belonged together like those petals that didn’t deserve to be plucked apart from that stem. But just like that little fragile flower, I was destroyed. My heart was plucked apart too.

  I ask myself why today of all days do I have to remember? Very unfair of my mind to go there. Especially now and right after I had hours of such fabulous phone sex from a guy I really liked but barely knew. Radley was known to have great timing popping in and out of my head. I was happy to report I hadn’t seen him since he showed up at my door and kissed me. I had avoided all his texts since then and every time I think I see his car drive by, I duck and hide. Yeah, I know I’m a grown woman. And it’s silly to be walking down the street spotting a car I recognize and act just like a child ducking behind a tree or something. It’s ridiculous I know.

  But I just can’t bear to see him face to face again. His lips burned mine. I could still feel them there. As vulnerable as I am, Radley would have my panties off in seconds flat at the sight of him no doubt. Yup, no doubt I would allow him to too. See that’s my problem. I admit I have no control. I think it’s the hormones they gave me to straighten out my womanly mess. I feel like my libido is back full force since the hysterectomy and I really can’t be responsible for my behavior. I was two steps shy of humping anything that slightly resembled a sweet smelling man. I was warned about it and figured it was better than not having any libido at all so I took the pills. The idea of never having sex again scared the crap out of me. I love the feel of a man. I was happy I still desired them even though my insides were sucked out and shredded. I felt I was way too young to never have sex again. So yes, the idea scared the crap out of me. Besides, who would want a woman that wasn’t interested in being intimate? I admit I size up men just for those special moments. I plan to live my life well into my nineties being a sexy old lady still getting her groove on so the guy I end up with has to be able to keep up with me! Rule number one: healthy libido.

  The dreaded hysterectomy was damaging to my heart too of course. It meant I’d never have a child and quite possibly never be a mother. Well, not a mother to a child that I bore. I wasn’t sure in the days to come if I’d ever quite get over that fact. Yeah, I suppose I would adopt eventually. It actually doesn’t help in the dating process either. N
ot many men want a woman who can’t give them a child of their own. I have not met a man yet that didn’t want to have children someday. It’s a buzz kill when I break the news. It’s also heartbreaking when they act a fool after they find out like I kept it a secret from them. Read my profile, I tell them, stop just looking at my pictures. It’s right there in black and white, surely you can read! Dammit!

  I was finding it hard to concentrate on sleep now with that on my mind. After thinking about my life in a nutshell both Radley and Ed were swimming around in my head like ducks. Both had such great attributes. Both wanted children. Both would have made beautiful babies with me but not as my life’s journey would have seemed to have it I wasn’t able to give either one of them a child. But both also made it their life ambition to destroy me.

  Funny thing, when Ed destroyed me Radley was there to help glue me back together. Of course, it was easy for him. He wasn’t the one responsible for the break. He didn’t like to be responsible for anything. He was good like that. But he was good as golden to be there for me and be very loving to me. He understood what I needed, he knew the right words to say, and he didn’t allow me to lose myself in the process. He made sure I made it out of the hole I dug myself in. He allowed me to grieve but gave me reasons to be strong, to be proud, not to forget how much of a woman I was. A woman worthy of a man who could take care of her heart he would say. The more he said it the more I believed it. It helped to hear it come from him. He knew he wasn’t worthy either. He tried it more than once but of course, it doesn’t work for him.

  So, I have these times that I just can’t get them both out of my head. Like now. They won’t let me alone. Ed was so in synch with my heart or I thought so anyway. His leaving over the fact I couldn’t give him a child was devastating. Radley broke me first which now I guess gives him the right to help me heal. It’s a strange and a weird bond we have now. I swear if I had a dollar for every time those two men entered my mind I’d be a rich lady on a Venice beach sunbathing nude! Just saying. And only because I wouldn’t care what anyone thought if I did sunbathe nude. At least I’d be without tan lines, happy and quite possibly content alone.

  I was happily knee deep and wallowing in my self-pity-pen, sort of like a pig-pen but pitiful, when a private message popped up on my phone screen. I opened the site and was pleasantly surprised.

  “It’s David from the coffee shop. Remember me?”

  “Oh yes,” I replied. That’s why he looked familiar. “I wouldn’t have guessed you to be on a dating site.”

  “I’m just checking it out. Couldn’t hurt right?”

  “Yeah, I know me too.” Wrong! I lied. I had actually been a member of five, but I wasn’t telling David that.

  “I would love to meet for coffee. Maybe this time chat.”

  “Sure, that would be nice.” I quickly typed back.

  “This morning work for you? Say around nine?”

  I took a peep at the time on my phone. It was a quarter past six and I hadn’t even been to sleep. “Nine sounds great.”

  “Same place?”

  “Sure same place. Meet you in line!” I added remembering he had stepped on my toes.

  I said my goodbyes and quickly logged off squealing like a young girl at the top of my lungs. I was finally going to have a date with a decent man! Not like I haven’t had one before, but a handsomely nice man! One without drama and that smelled like a sweet musky soap. I was beyond excited! My psycho radar had been turned off, which proved to be a good thing, and I was actually excited about a coffee date. Coffee dates were safe, this I knew well. I have met a few men for coffee dates and was quite happy that’s all they were. Of course, I’ve met some that turned into really nice friendships too. It’s just an easy place to meet without alcohol, without the opportunity to get intoxicated, and end up saying something you’d regret. Alcohol had always been my truth serum. Anything you want to know from me, buy me a few drinks. After the second one hits my lips I will tell you anything you want to know. Yes, I’m a lightweight. All it takes is two.

  Since David and I had met before, I wasn’t quite as nervous. We both knew what each other looked like, and he was quite handsome as I recall. He was taller than I, wore expensive suits, and smelled divine. Not quite Armani smelling but I remember a nice fresh smell. He was just as eager to meet me for coffee and get to know me, as I was him.

  I set my alarm, took a quick nap, and met him later that morning. I arrived on time and ready for a very relaxing conversation with a very handsome man. As I approached I saw him on the sidewalk waiting outside for me. He looked even more handsome than I had remembered. Yay me!

  “Hi, David!” I squealed. A little too zealous to see him again. I had been stalking the coffee shop for days hoping to run into him, but I wasn’t sharing that little piece of info.

  “Hi there.” He opened the door for me and followed me inside. We quickly placed our order and found a nice cozy table in the corner. David’s eyes were pretty, dark and sparkly. He had just the right amount of shadow on his face to show he hadn’t shaved this morning. I loved a five o’clock shadow on a man! So sexy! How did he know? He started right in asking the typical questions, learning what he could about me; I just answered in short sentences not really sharing a lot. You know how it is though the typical interview: What do you do? What do you like? Have you ever been married? Any children? Occasionally I returned the favor and responded with a question back. He was real talkative. Almost too talkative. Everyone around us was staring and listening in. I seriously didn’t want our first official meet and greet to be shared with all the baristas. It was becoming annoying and most men just don’t talk that much. David had a lot to say like he’d had tape over his mouth for months or had been on a silent sabbatical and he needed to let the air out of his lungs!

  He talked and talked for over an hour straight without taking much of a breath. When the second hour rolled around, I excused myself and went to the bathroom. If I could have snuck out the bathroom window I would have. Only there wasn’t one. I dragged my feet as long as I could and washed my hands a dozen times singing every hand washing song I knew. I was trying to come up with an excuse to leave but I didn’t want to be rude. I just couldn’t hear another one of his stories about his buddies and the wild times they had, nor about his neighbors barking dogs, and don’t get me started about the mole on his back that he insisted on taking his shirt off to show me. He wanted to know if I thought it looked oddly shaped or discolored. How would I know? I’m not a doctor! It seemed to have an eye and I could have sworn it winked at me!

  Now the people watching that he did really put me over the top though. I don’t do that. Ever. I don’t sit back and watch the world criticizing every little thing about the people around me. That really got on my nerves quick. I found myself correcting him, telling him to “be nice” or “don’t say that.” When the last Lady shot her eyes our direction, I just knew she had heard every word he had said about her. I felt awful for her. He didn’t know how to be kind, just mean and critical. I was to the point of being embarrassed to be seen with him. I had wished we had ended our coffee date two hours ago. I arrived back at the table with red hands and a plastered smile. I sat down adjusting myself in my chair as if there was some way I could make my stay more comfortable. My mind swarmed with different scenarios of a proper exit. Thought seriously about starting a fire but I was not good at being an arsonist.

  Just as I had given up hope his phone rang and he answered it, thankfully leaving me a way out. I sang praises to ma bell for inventing the phone! I stood to my feet, grabbing my trash to discard, and pulled my purse upon my shoulder. I mouthed the words, “Nice meeting you,” while I backed out the door. “I’ll message you,” I whispered as it shut behind me. I hurriedly made it to my car, crammed the key in the ignition, and backed out of there quickly. I didn’t want to give him a chance to come running out to catch me in the parking lot to converse with me more. I just knew I’d get stuck for another grueling
two hours of his mean puns at unsuspecting folks and his winking grossly back mole with a single black hair rising out of it. I was even more happy I didn’t walk over and opted to drive. What if he saw where I lived? I’ve learned to play it safe when I meet men.

  When I drove out of sight of the coffee shop, I pulled over. I stared in a daze at the road ahead of me with my eyes glaring across the hood of my car. My hands on the wheel, ten and two. As soon as I felt it was safe with no sign of him following, my forehead rested on the steering wheel. I let out a big sigh surprising myself. “I really suck at this,” I said in an effort to cheer up myself as if it was okay to suck at it. I began to reason with myself that I wasn’t that bad of a date. I patted myself on the back a few times telling myself I was a prize. But I wasn’t okay and the date was a disaster! How did I know this guy would have a diarrhea mouth? How could I have not seen his meanness before? He seemed so nice and sweet buying my coffee the first day I met him. But then you let him out of his cage and he’s so critical! “I dunno.” I watched the cars wiz by me thinking there has to be someone out there that didn’t make me want to run, hide, or start a fire! But where was he? Where is the guy that will pick me up in his strong arms and carry me away? I needed a man that would step up to the plate and be everything I had ever dreamed of. He would rescue me from the hole I had dug myself in. The pity-pen. That’s where I was. I was lying within the self–pity-pen that was dug deep within my heart. It kept reminding me I wasn’t worthy of the type of man I longed for. It whispered within my ears that I would never find him.

  I sighed as I pulled back onto the street. Maybe the whispers were right. Maybe I wasn’t worthy of all of I dreamt about. Maybe all I was worth was another disappointment. “Just another,” I agreed. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t been down this path of disappoints before but I needed to escape the madness of dating and have someone solid in my life for a while. I needed someone that would make me feel secure enough to take them back home to meet momma, you know.