Broken Road

by Mari Beck

  "Hello?"

  "Brenda?" It wasn't a voice she was expecting.

  "Jon?"

  "I know I said I wouldn't call but. . ."

  "I can't talk right now."

  "I just want to know that you're okay." She fought the urge to let everything out, to cry and to share her pain with him.

  "I can't talk to you, Jon. My mother's here taking care of the boys and I..."

  "Please. I just want to help."

  "This isn't helping."

  "Let me be there for you. I promise I won't butt in. We don't have to talk. I'll sit at the back of the church. Then later when things are quiet I can meet you somewhere. We can get a cup of coffee and talk.”

  The thought of having him there both tempted and repulsed her but the comforting sound of his voice made it difficult for her to think clearly.

  "No."

  "You need someone to be there with you. I can be there in a couple of hours."

  "Mom's here and so is Mark. I'll be fine."

  "You don't sound fine," he said and she sighed. She wanted to say yes. She wanted to have a familiar shoulder to lean on, someone who understood her and what her life had been like since Shane deployed again. God help her but for the longest time now that person had been Captain Jon Procter, a base psychiatrist she’d met through the Unit FRG to which her family belonged. All spouses and family members of attached or assigned active duty service men and women are invited to be part of Family Readiness Groups or FRGs consisting of family, volunteers and civilians ready to provide help, information and moral support before, during and after deployment. It was during Shane’s deployments that she and Captain Procter had gotten to know each other. So much life happens while a soldier is away, she thought, especially during war and while talking to Shane on the phone or even seeing him via the computer helped to quell the lingering ache of loneliness that ate away at her these things were stark reminders that something would always stand between them as long as they chose military life. What struck her as odd was her relationship with Jon Procter. Wasn’t he also in the military? Hadn’t he also chosen a life of unquestioned orders? It didn’t matter. She and Jon had been acquaintances for almost three years, close friends for two and something more for almost a year. It was that something more that was coming back to haunt her now in the midst of the nightmare she was living.

  "I'm not fine." She admitted.

  "Then let me help. Let me come see you."

  "Jon, you being here with my family, with the boys at Shane's. . ." she couldn't bring herself to say the word funeral, "well, I'm not sure that's the best idea."

  "No one knows about us."

  "I know, Jon, and so do you."

  There was silence on the other end.

  "We never mean to hurt anyone, Brenda."

  "No, we didn't. I want to keep it that way."

  "For how long?"

  "I don't know. I can't even think about it right now."

  "It's not what I want."

  "It's what I want."

  "I can wait as long as it takes."

  Brenda felt the tears start down her face.

  "No more waiting, Jon. There's been enough waiting. I waited for Shane. I know what that feels like and what it does to you. I can't have you waiting for me."

  "Brenda... "

  "I've got to go we're meeting Shane's plane in a little bit."

  "I love you." He whispered and she closed her eyes trying to ignore the pain his words caused her.

  "I'm sorry."

  "Don't be."

  "Please don't call me anymore."

  "Maybe after some time has passed we can sort things out."

  "If you love me you won't call."

  "I do love you. I'll wait."

  "Goodbye, Jon." She said and hung up.

  CHAPTER THREE

  Airport

  The plane landed 20 minutes ahead of schedule. Mark led her to the tarmac, followed by Callan, her mother and Taylor. They stood in a tiny receiving line as Earl Hanley walked toward them.“Mrs. Jenner, my deepest sympathies for your loss.” He said taking her hands in his own as he stood next to a large silver hearse on the tarmac, preparing to receive the flag-draped casket that contained Shane Jenner’s remains. Brenda wished it were earlier in the day so she could put on a large pair of dark sunglasses to hide her red puffy eyes and the forthcoming tears. “Is this everyone?” Earl Hanley asked looking behind her. She nodded and was suddenly aware that many of the passengers on the plane that had brought Shane home were staring out at them from the brightly lit cabin. She was certain they were looks of sorrow and pity. She imagined that just before Shane’s casket exited the plane that the pilot would ask the passengers to observe a moment of silence for the fallen hero. She raised her head up a little. Maybe they couldn’t really see her standing out here in the dark but she was resolved to meet this head on. No more tears. Be strong! She had promised herself she wouldn’t break down. If she did how could she be strong for Callan and Taylor? Poor Taylor! Would he even remember this night? Would he even remember Shane? She kept it together until the plane door opened and she saw a soldier in full uniform descending the stairs. The left sleeve of his uniform had been neatly pinned up. He was missing an arm. Then, the cargo bay of the plane opened and a large conveyor belt, usually reserved for luggage removal was moved into place by airport staff. She wasn’t sure she could breathe for a moment. Mr. Hanley looked over at Mark and he knowingly reached out an arm to support her just in case she was planning on passing out. She was grateful because she felt all the wind had been knocked out of her the moment her eyes fell on the casket making its way down the conveyor belt. Maybe it had been a mistake, coming here and doing this. She felt so alone even with everyone here. No. Not alone. She looked over at Callan, who looked pale and lost with his arms crossed in front of him just staring out into space. He had taken the news just as badly as any of them but he had been quiet since they found out, shutting himself away in his room, locking the door, putting on his headphones, refusing to come down to eat, to talk, to do anything. Then, she looked over at her mother, who had her arms around Taylor. He was also quiet. When they had told him the news it was as though he understood what they were telling him but he didn’t scream or cry or ask too many questions. When Brenda thought about it she wondered if it was just that Taylor was used to a life where his father had only been home briefly between deployments. Each homecoming had signaled to Taylor a series of fun events like the camping trips or extra time with Shane playing in the back yard, going to the pool, eating too much ice cream and candy, staying up late and making a mess by wrestling in the living room in order to make up for lost time. He was probably used to being told his father wouldn’t be coming home for a while but how could his little mind wrap itself around the truth that Shane would never be coming home again? Holding onto his grandmother's hands, Taylor was rocking back and forth against her legs. She looked at both her boys and saw that Shane could be found in both of them. She could see him in the way Callan was standing, the slight wave of his hair and even the sadness that filled his eyes was reminiscent of the look Brenda saw more and more after each deployment. She could also see Shane in the shape of Taylor’s face, the color of his hair, the way his mouth turned up in a crooked smile as he looked up at his grandmother. She willed herself not to be taken over by the emptiness. Not yet. She refused to feel the void she knew was starting to grow in her chest. They waited for what seemed like a painful eternity as Shane’s escort, a soldier of equal rank assigned at Dover Air Force Base traveling with Shane’s casket, waited for it to make its way down the luggage ramp and onto the tarmac. It was like watching an eerie and ghostly display. The reality of what was happening didn’t seem to dawn on her until she saw Earl Hanley step forward and then go around to the back of the hearse, open the door and then step away to let his assistants place the casket inside. She didn’t know whether to go back there and meet them or to stay where she was. So she didn’t move. As
they slid the casket into the hearse she saw Earl Hanley say something to the escort. When the casket was safely inside of the hearse the soldier came forward and stood in front of her. He explained what an honor it had been to bring Shane home. He would be at the funeral and he would meet with them in private to return some of Shane’s personal effects. Brenda stood silently looking at the man dressed in uniform.

  “Thank you.” She said not knowing what else she could or should say. The escort offered his condolences once more before getting into the hearse that carried Shane. Before getting into the driver’s seat himself, Earl Hanley came back to them again.

  “Father. Mrs. Jenner. I must get back but if you need anything please let me know. I’ll see you tomorrow night at the Rosary. Don’t worry about a thing,” he said gently patting her hands. “We’ll take care of everything. Until tomorrow.” Brenda nodded and her gaze went back to the casket.

  “Thank you, Mr. Hanley.” Mark called.

  "You're welcome, Father.” Earl Hanley climbed behind the wheel and as the hearse pulled away she knew that all of her hopes and dreams were going with him.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Funeral

  She hadn’t slept the night before and she was certain that she looked it during the Rosary. When Earl Hanley from the funeral home called to ask about additional pictures for that evening’s memorial slide show all she wanted do was scream and throw the phone across the room. Instead, she paused a moment, took a deep breath and told him she would have another look in the albums and call him back. It was a lie. She couldn’t bear to look at any pictures. She threw herself across her bed and stared at the wall. Hadn’t she done this already? She had a strong sense of déjà vu. How many hours would she spend lying here, staring, wondering about the past and a future that was gone just like that? Endless. Now there would be no second chances to make up for past mistakes. There was a soft rap at her door.

  “Brenda?” It was her mother. At first, she didn’t respond. Maybe if her mother thought she was sleeping she would go away but there was another knock.

  “Brenda, sweetheart. There’s someone here to see you from the base. He says he’s the counselor assigned to Shane’s unit?” Brenda bolted up. Jon? He wouldn’t she thought not after their phone call. A third knock. Brenda panicked. She thought she was going to be sick.

  “Sweetheart, I think you should come down and talk to him. It might do you some good to talk to someone who’s worked with other families in situations like this. He says he knows you.”

  It had to be Jon! Brenda jumped up from the bed and ran to the bathroom. She looked in the mirror. She looked awful. There were deep, dark circles beneath her eyes mixed with smudges of eyeliner and mascara that had washed away with each new round of tears. There was a slight grayish undertone to her skin that made her look ill and her hair looked like a bird’s nest. She was wearing one of Shane’s old t-shirts smudged with old ketchup stains, a pair of yoga pants with a rip in the butt and two mismatched socks. She was in no condition to see or be seen by anyone but the thought of Jon Procter in the house with Callan and Taylor terrified her. It wasn’t that they didn’t know who he was because they did. All of the FRG families knew the military staff members assigned to their soldiers but as a group run by volunteers, outside of preplanned events or activities on or off the base, there was little chance of running into them more than a few times. Callan and Taylor’s relationship with Jon was a professional one. He made efforts to meet with all family members, especially the children of deployed unit members assigned to a combat zone. Callan and Taylor fell into this category and met with Jon during the time their father had been assigned to the base. They wouldn’t be surprised to see him but would her mother be able to ignore the familiarity and maybe something more that she would sense or see between Jon and herself? Brenda wasn’t sure that she would be able to keep her anger in check at Jon’s intrusion or the sheer relief at seeing him that might compel her to run into his arms seeking comfort. Another knock.

  “Brenda?” Her mother’s voice sounded anxious but Brenda couldn’t risk meeting with Jon here at the house.

  “Mom, please tell him that I’ll call him to make an appointment to see him later on. Okay?”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, Mom. Thanks.”

  “Ok, honey.” Brenda heard her mother’s reluctant footsteps on the stairs and the muffled sound of voices downstairs, followed by the opening and closing of the front door. She breathed a sigh of relief. The disaster had been averted for now but sooner or later she would have to meet with Jon and make it clear that their relationship was over. In the meantime, she would bide her time lying down again but this time instead of staring at the wall she stared at the ceiling. She stayed there until her mother knocked on the door and suggested she might want to take a shower before dressing to go to the Rosary. It took a long time but she finally dragged herself out of bed and stepped into the shower. She turned the water on as hot as it would go but somehow it couldn’t wash away the pain of her loss or the guilt of her betrayal.

  ***

  When Mark found her, Brenda was sitting alone in Father Pat’s office. She was staring out the window, eyes red, nose running, dressed in the flattering fitted black sheath dress with a matching cardigan she’d bought for the occasion and a string of heirloom pearls around her neck. The day was cloudy and rain was already beginning to fall. She had a wad of tissues in between her hands. He approached her quietly and placed a hand on her shoulder. She didn’t look up. She kept staring out the window.

  “Brenda, “ He said in a whisper, “it’s time.” Her eyes were red, still glistening with tears.

  “Give me a minute, okay?” She said. He nodded and took a seat in the chair next to her.

  “Are the boys with Mom?” She asked.

  “Yes.” He said. She nodded and turned to look out the window again.

  “Mark?”

  “Yes?”

  “I don’t know if I can do this.” She said and he took her hand in his.

  “I just keep waiting.”

  “For what?” He asked.

  “For the moment the alarm goes off and I wake up.” She said and a fresh tear made its way down her face.

  “I wish I could make this better, Brenda. I do.”

  “I know, Mark. “

  “I prayed so hard from the moment they told us he was missing. I’ve never prayed so hard for someone in my whole life. I think I’m going to need a new set of rosary beads.”

  “That’s saying something, Father.” She said and managed a weak smile. She could see there were tears in his eyes too.

  “I wish I could understand why this was happening but I can’t seem to get it through my head, not even when I saw the casket at the airport or when I went to the funeral home. I know they keep telling me that it’s Shane in there. I hear the words. I see all of these people and they’re crying too and hugging me. They’re saying they’re so sorry but I just don’t feel it in my heart, that he’s gone, I mean.”

  “It’s okay if you don’t.”

  “ But it’s true isn’t it, Mark? That’s my husband in there. ” She nodded in the direction of the sanctuary.

  “Yes, Brenda, it is.”