Broken Road

by Mari Beck

  “But what I don’t understand is if no one thought there was anything wrong with him why did they let him come home instead of send him back?” Brenda asked, honestly curious to hear his answer.

  “May I be honest?” Cody Hatchett asked.

  “Of course.” Louis said.

  “I think we all know that Riley’s circumstances are different. He was the one in the picture.” Hatchett said and Brenda’s heart constricted at the word ‘picture’. He went on. “He’s a hero. People love a hero- especially when the papers or the tv are full of those really horrible images. We need heroes. I’m not saying that any special consideration was given to him. In all likelihood, it was a combination of the Post Deployment Questionnaire he took and the psych evaluation he did while he was recovering.”

  “What would a questionnaire have to do with anything?”

  “It depends on the soldier. Some of them respond to the questions about what they’ve seen or done in way that raises red flags. They might be found unfit for duty as a result. Others might answer differently.”

  “Differently, how?”

  “They may say their activities or experience were par for the course, so to speak. Part of their job as a soldier- that they expected to see and do what they did.”

  “But isn’t Riley’s situation different? What he did was splashed across the front page of every newspaper and covered by every news channel in the country!” She could feel her voice rising in exasperation and anger. All she could see was his face, covered in dirt, blood and grime from that horrible picture.

  “Just wait. . .” Louis was trying to calm her down, she knew it. But she wasn’t interested in being calm.

  “ All I’m saying is that sometimes trauma can cause people to say and do things we might not expect.”

  “Such as?”

  “Lying.” Mr. Hatchett said matter-of-factly.

  “But why would he do that?”

  “Sometimes it’s expected.” Louis said and she shook her head in disbelief.

  “Louis, I can’t believe you of all people would think Riley would do that.”

  “Unless you’ve served or lived with someone who has, it’s hard to understand, I know.” Mr. Hatchett explained and Brenda wanted to scream that she understood perfectly. But how could she tell him how she knew? Shane would never have lied about what happened to him would he? Didn’t he have to do the same surveys and evaluations after his tours? He seemed fine and if he wasn’t wouldn’t he have told someone? Wouldn’t a trained psychiatrist have noticed? Someone at the base, someone like Jon. What hadn’t he told her? What did he know about Shane that she didn’t? Oh, God.

  “Look at this way.” Louis was saying, “A soldier spends a lot of time training, learning not just physically but mentally so he or she can do the job. When you serve in a combat zone you see things and do things sometimes you’d rather forget. But you learn to suck it up.” Louis ran a hand over the sleeve covering his Semper Fi tattoo.

  “So you’re saying that Riley was expected to suck it up?”

  “To some extent, probably.” Cody Hatchett said looking over at Louis. “A soldier is supposed to be tough, supposed to be able to cope with what happens when he’s in a combat zone. If he can’t. . .” Cody Hatchett shrugged.

  “Well, then, he’s not fit to be there. He can be a liability to his team and to himself.” Lou added.

  “That’s how he’s supposed to cope? Just pretend that it didn’t happen?”

  “Obviously, that’s not realistic.” Hatchett shook his head.

  “No, it’s not.” Brenda agreed.

  “What I mean is that every soldier copes the way he has to if he wants to continue doing his job to the best of his ability.”

  “You’re saying that if he had told the truth on that questionnaire or told the unit psychiatrist how he really felt about what happened, then what?” She asked not sure she wanted to know the answer.

  “His discharge would have been coded differently.”

  “Would that have been so bad?” Both men exchanged a look that answered her question almost immediately.

  “It depends on what type of discharge. Some might have limited his career opportunities if he wanted to return to active duty or pursue a different career in the military. Others. . .” Louis hesitated.

  “Other types of discharge might have made him ineligible for benefits or labeled him. He was probably afraid to tell the truth. But given what’s happened since then, someone may have noticed he was troubled and provided him with a way out.” Cody Hatchett admitted.

  “Labeled him? So he could get out? He’s not crazy. He just went through a very traumatic experience.” She felt the tears well up in her eyes. We all did. But we’re all being punished.

  “Louis, Mr. Hatchett, Riley got home somehow. If he lied on the questionnaire and he passed his evaluation then someone did something to make sure he wasn’t deployed again.”

  “I’m sure you’re right. I just can’t tell you what or who.” Cody Hatchett gave Brenda a sincere look of sympathy. She could think of nothing more to say.

  “My hands are tied, folks. If you’d like to file a petition with the county attorney let me know. In the meantime, I can give you information on some other sources. But, they’re more of a counseling sort. There are several a good counselors that work here with the returning vets and one in particular who also has a private practice. I can get you the names.”

  “Thank you.” Brenda said even though she felt sick with disappointment. Cody Hatchett stood up. The visit was over. Louis put out a hand.

  “Well, thank you, Cody.” He said giving him a firm handshake. The younger man took it and smiled.

  “Do you want the name of the counselors or would you prefer I email them at a later time?”

  “I’ll let you know, Cody. Let us just think about everything you’ve told us. I’ll let you know.” Louis replied heading for the door with Brenda following just a few feet behind.

  Her eyes were clouded up with the tears she’d been holding back for a while now. As they left Cody’s office and heard the door shut behind them she wiped her eyes hastily and tried to compose herself. Brenda was coming to terms with the possibility that Riley, like Shane, was never coming back from the war. The grief of this realization was just starting to catch up with her. Was she going to lose Riley the way she’d lost her husband? The possibility of it was very real now. She had no idea why Riley might have lied on the Post Deployment Questionnaire or told the unit psychiatrist that he was fine after all he’d been through. All she’d heard Cody Hatchett talk about were laws and military regulations but the only thing it meant to her was that there seemed to be no help for Riley. Maybe Louis was right, she wasn’t the right person to help him. It was time to let go.

  CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT

  The Discovery

  Riley refused to stay with Louis or Doreen and insisted on going home with Renae. He didn’t seem to remember anything that had happened after he had taken the Greyhound bus and ended up back in Broken Bow and then back at the farmhouse. The doctor had explained that it was a blackout probably triggered by the stress of so many changes in a short amount of time. It was to be expected, the doctor had told them. He had warned Riley that changes in routine and failure to take his medication would result in a possible breakdown. After their meeting with Dr. Nadeem, Louis demanded that Brenda take into consideration her own safety and make the decision to go home and let Riley begin his own journey toward healing and recovery. She had balked at that. For the longest time it had seemed to her that their journeys were intertwined and meant to be that way. How could she walk away now? But she couldn’t deny that he had a point. The moment Riley had turned a gun on her had been the moment he had crossed a line that she couldn’t pretend wasn’t there. While he had no memory of it, Louis was right. Maybe in the end her little charade had done more harm than good to both of them. The house, though not complete, had come a long way in terms of renovation and
if she hired the rest of the work out she might be able to sell it sometime soon. What she knew was that it was time to go home, back to her boys, back to her life as complicated as it was and she had to find a way to come to terms with Shane’s death. She had to grieve and that process couldn’t really begin until she left Bess and said goodbye to Riley Favreau. One evening, she decided it was time to tell him the truth and tell him goodbye. They drove out to one of the old pastures behind the house in a truck they borrowed from Doreen’s husband Elmer. The night was cool and one of the last really nice evenings before fall set in. The stars were out and the breeze smelled sweet. All in all it was perfect. Once they drove out and parked the truck they got out and walked around a little bit. Slowly, they made their way around to the point where they were standing side by side and leaning against the tailgate. Riley took her hand and gently pulled her close. She should be afraid but she wasn’t. She didn't resist and he didn't seem afraid to touch her. She laid her head on his shoulder and he wrapped his other arm around her waist. They stood there for a moment just the two of them, beneath the stars, on an old country road while the radio played. It was a song that she hadn't heard before but it was soft and comforting. Before long they found themselves swaying, slowly turning to the rhythm of their bodies moving in harmony to the tune. Neither one of them said a word.When the song ended she broke the embrace to look at him. There were tears in her eyes. He seemed to know what she was going to say before she said it. His eyes held hers and then let go. She saw a sadness there again and felt ashamed.

  "You're going back aren't you?" It was more of a statement than a question. She nodded and wiped the tears from her eyes.

  “Renae…I know that what I did doesn’t deserve forgiving. But if there was a way you could. . .I’m sorry.” He brushed her cheek with his fingers and she felt the deep guilt gnaw at her again. If only she could tell him the truth. But how after all this time, after all they'd been through? Call me Brenda,she wanted to tell him. Use my name, I want to hear it from your lips! But that was impossible. She'd told him too many lies and in the end it turned out he couldn't remember almost anything about what had happened the night Shane had been killed.She started to turn away when he had taken her by the arm and pulled her into him again but this time he leaned down and kissed her. He held her tight and she pressed herself against him.There was a spark of passion, of desperate need between them that she hadn't felt since the night of the really bad episode he'd had in the motel. It was the same spark Riley had put out by leaving the next morning without a word and disappearing only to reappear in that old barn with the gun he’d put to the back of her head. It was time to put an end to all of it. The lies. The running. Everything. It was time to say goodbye and though she was sure he knew it as much as she did, tonight was different- she could feel it. He wanted her and how easy it would be for her to give in. To give herself completely to him more so than she'd ever done with Jon. To forget the truth of their circumstances, her betrayal, her husband’s death. She could lay with him on top of that old blanket in the back of the truck and let him make love to her underneath the stars and free herself of the burdens of the last year. But she knew it would still be a lie and how could she do that to him? How could she do that to herself? It was so difficult to think while his hands roamed over her body and his lips demanded more from her own. The urgency and heat of their union would be a certainty if she didn't stop now. Brenda pulled back and pushed firmly against his chest.

  "Riley, I can't." But he didn't seem to hear her or feel her push him away. He kissed her again and she responded in turn. He was ready to take her to the blanket. She could feel it as he turned her and pressed her against the door of the truck. She wanted to be with him too. If she waited much longer it would be too late.

  "Riley..." She called out to him in between kisses but it wasn't until he answered her that she knew it had to end.

  “Renae…”he said and slowly maneuvered her toward the back of the truck.

  "No!" She yelled out and shoved him away. It was as if she had slapped him. He took a step back, confused, still breathing heavily from their passionate exchange.

  "What's wrong?"

  "I can't do this."

  "What happened? Is it something I did? I thought..I thought you wanted this."

  "I did. I mean I do." She felt confused and angry too.

  "Then why?"

  "I'm leaving Riley. I'm selling the farmhouse. My. . .my friend decided. She can’t live here and I can’t stay. Why start something we both know we can't see through." She hated herself for saying it.

  "I don't want you to leave.” He said softly and slumped against the side of the truck.

  “I don’t want to go. But it’s not fair to you.” That was the truth.

  “Is it because of Misty? She’s married to Brandon now.”

  “There are things I haven’t told you about me.” She stared up at the stars wondering if at last she would have the courage to tell him the truth.

  “Then we both have something in common.” He whispered and she closed her eyes. Would he finally give her what she wanted?

  “Will you tell me what it is?” she asked and waited.

  “Will you?” He countered. She held her breath. Tell him! She exhaled. Not tonight. Maybe not ever. She needed to make a clean break and she knew how to do it without divulging the entire secret.

  “I was in a relationship for a very long time. I thought it would last forever, that we would always feel the same about each other.”

  "Why are we even talking about this?" He said interrupting her, “Will it change your mind?"

  “No, but it might change yours.” She whispered.

  Riley looked down at his calloused hands. She continued because she had started and she knew it had to come out. It was the only way.

  “He was in the service. Army. He was deployed several times and I waited.” She could feel her voice starting to break. “I wanted to believe that whatever life threw at us we could overcome but we were wrong. We stopped talking, we stopped feeling what we used to feel and it scared me. So, I went to talk to someone about it. That’s what I thought I was supposed to do. Get help, get back on track, feel better and love him again. But that’s not what happened. I felt a connection with the person who was helping me and he felt it too. Long story short, we had an affair.” She was crying now. Until now, she had never actually said the words or told the story even as generic as she’d made it.

  “Did he know?” Riley’s voice was hard. She knew he would react to the story of her betrayal because he knew what it was like to be betrayed. It had happened to him.

  “I don’t know. He died over there and I’ll never know if he knew what I did. I have to live with that for the rest of my life. If I could take it all back I would, Riley. I can’t and I don’t know if I can ever trust myself with anyone ever again.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Why should I? Is there something you want to tell me?”

  “No. I . . . can't. Not yet.” He said and she couldn’t help hiding her disappointment.

  “I’m only telling you this because I need you to understand that I can’t stay and you need to do what you have to do to get yourself well. That’ll be hard enough without trying to make something more out of the time we’ve spent together.”

  “Nothing I say is going to change your mind?”

  “No, but it doesn’t mean I don’t care.”

  "I don't know what you want from me." He said his voice sounded sad and defeated. He was right to feel that way. When it all began she thought she knew exactly what she wanted-the truth about what happened on that road outside of Baghdad. Now she wasn't sure of anything. But she was scared, scared she'd gotten too close, scared he would push her away once he knew the truth of who she was and why she came looking for him. In any case it was time to go back. She had two sons to raise and it had been weeks since she'd heard anything from Meagan McGinnis. It had all been a bluff and
she had been too ashamed of what she had done to think about things clearly. Coming here had served its purpose but Louis was right. Being with Riley-even entertaining the idea that sharing a life with him could be a possibility-was just unrealistic given the obstacles they would face. He was right and how could she even risk putting Callan and Taylor in that situation? There were so many reasons why a relationship between them wouldn’t work out.

  "We should get back it’s getting late." She said to him and he nodded opening the passenger’s side door. She went around to the driver’s side and got in, turned on the ignition and put it in drive. They didn't speak on the ride back to the farmhouse. The only sound they heard was the radio cranking out the love songs that seemed to have lost a bit if their magic as they played in the dark. When they finally came to the gravel road leading to the farmhouse Brenda could see a pair of parking lights in the distance. Someone was up at the house. But who? It was late and while it wasn’t strange for Old Jimmy or even Pastor Dan to make an unannounced visit it was clear to her the closer they got that the car near the house belonged to neither one of them.

  "Who’s that?" Riley asked breaking the silence. But she didn’t answer. Her heart was pounding in her ears as she put the truck into park and jumped out. The car door opened and out stepped a woman.

  “Brenda?.”

  Brenda froze. She heard the passenger side door to the truck open. Riley walked up and stood beside her.

  "I’m sorry are you lost?"he asked the woman as she walked toward them.

  "No not at all. I'm exactly where I want to be." She said reaching out a perfectly French manicured hand. Riley hesitated as he took her hand briefly and shook it. His gaze went from the woman to Brenda and back again.

  "Have we met?" He asked her. She smiled displaying a brilliantly whitened set of teeth that seemed to glisten even in the shadow of the moonlight.