by Mari Beck
“Mommy,” he wailed as she held him, “ how will Santa find us?”
“The same way he found us last year at Grandma Marlene’s.” She answered holding him.
“Uncle Mark put up Grandma’s lights. But he’s not here Mommy so we won’t have lights!” Taylor sobbed, his small heart breaking.
“What do you mean, honey?”
“Daddy put up lights so Santa could find us. But Daddy’s in heaven. He can’t. Uncle Mark’s not here either.”
Bren’s heart had broken so many times over, she could hardly imagine it happening any more harshly and yet, as she looked into her son’s tear streaked face, his sweet brown eyes, Shane’s eyes, she could almost hear the break.
“Taylor, honey, we’re going to have lights. I promise.”
“Who’s going to do it? Daddy can’t!” he sobbed
“Mommy.” She promised and Taylor stopped crying for a moment.
“H-How?”
“I don’t know exactly. . .but I promise that I’ll get them up so Santa can find us, okay?”
“You promise?” he asked expectantly. She put a hand across her heart.
“Yes, I promise.”
“Okay.” He answered tearfully wiping his nose on the back of his sleeve.
“Now, why don’t you get ready to go with Callan to Eli and Ben’s house, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Okay.” she said and kissed him gently on the head. As he wiped his eyes and went searching for his big brother, Brenda wondered exactly how she was going to keep her promise. There were lots of promises in the last few months that had been broken and she didn’t plan on adding to that list. She intended to keep this one. After she’d driven the boys to a friend’s house to hang out and play, she dragged herself to the garage and started searching for the familiar red and green tubs with Shane’s handwriting on them. She swallowed hard as she went to open them knowing that the last time the contents had been surveyed and touched Shane had still been alive. It floored her how much life had changed in such a short time. Here she was about to undertake a task that would serve as one more confirmation of the fact that Shane was really gone. An hour later, Bren was still trying to figure out exactly how to balance the lights and clips when help found her.
“Looks like you could use another hand.” A deep, familiar voice called up. Bren hardly realized that someone was talking to her. She was still struggling with the lights.
“Oh!” she said almost losing her balance as her eyes fell on the face of Riley Favreau.
“Whoa! I got you.” He said as he steadied the ladder.
“Didn’t mean to distract you.”
“Riley?” She hesitated overcome by the shock of seeing him. He was the last person she ever expected to see standing in her driveway.
“I was on my way to knock on your front door but it looked like you could use some help.”
“Yes.” She said unsure of where to begin a conversation with him. Should she pick up where they left off? At the precise moment she discovered him kissing his pregnant ex-fiancée on the steps of her farmhouse? Or maybe she should just pretend nothing had happened. Of course they could talk about how she had lied to him the entire time he’d known her, about who she really was and what she wanted from him.
“Are you trying to put up Christmas lights?” He asked interrupting her thoughts.
“Trying but failing miserably.” She said finally deciding that neutrality was just as good as any other idea she could come up with at the moment.
“I see.”
“Is it really that obvious?” she asked looking at the mess she’d made out of the cords in her hands. Riley shrugged.
“I’ve never had to do this before.” She explained.
“I couldn’t tell.” He said, his tone slightly teasing.
“I’ve never been in charge of lights before.”
“Oh.” He whispered and she wondered if Riley was starting to piece her together her lies.
“Yeah.”
“So why are you doing it right now, in the dark?” She hesitated. What would he say when she also told him she had two sons? Almost 3 months had passed since the day she left Bess. What did telling truth matter now?
“It’s my son, Taylor. I found him crying in his room today. He doesn’t think Santa will be able to find us here. His father used to tell him that the lights helped Santa find the houses, sorta of the way a plane finds a runaway.”
Riley was quiet. He seemed to be taking in the information. Would he ask why she didn’t tell him that she had a child? Children? She’d left that part out when telling him a small part of her secret.
“Didn’t Santa visit last year?” he asked. Was he going to pretend he hadn’t heard what she said?
“Of course. But we were at my mother’s and my brother Mark put up the lights. He would do it for me if I didn’t live almost 200 miles away.”
“I’d be glad to help you.” Riley offered.
“You don’t have to do that really.” Why are you here? How did you find me?
“Let me help you. You’re half frozen already, so why don’t you let me get up on the ladder?”
Brenda bit her lip to keep the tears away. She hated that this was so awkward and that she had to ask for help, but she could sure use it.
“Okay.” She agreed and climbed down. After about 30 minutes, Brenda’s spirits began to lift a little. The old house was starting to shine and look festive. After another 40 minutes Riley finally climbed down to take a look.
“Doesn’t look too bad.” He said.
“No, it actually looks pretty great.” She said
“I think it’s good that you did this for Taylor.” He said.
“I didn’t really end up doing it, though.”
“You had it mostly figured out before I got here.” He said politely. Brenda looked over at him and raised an eyebrow. He glanced over at her and grinned.
“Okay, no, you really didn’t have any idea what you were doing.” He said laughing a little. Brenda smiled and shook her head.
“No I didn’t.”
“Your boy gone somewhere?” He asked.
“My boys.” There she’d said it. She’d told him a little bit more. “They’re over at a friend’s house. One of the nurses at the assisted living community where I work, actually. Karen Ernstmeier. She has two boys too. Eli is about Callan’s age and Ben is two years older than Taylor but they manage to have fun together.”
“That’s good.” He said, his tone calm and even. He didn’t seem the least bit shocked by what she was saying.
“Yeah.” She agreed and they didn’t say anything for a long while.
“Well, I’d better get this ladder back in the garage for you.”
“Sure. I’ll open it up for you.” She said and went inside. She knew she should invite him in but things between them were still uncertain and tense. After the ladder was put away and the rest of the lights and clips had been stored back in their tub, Brenda went back outside. She smiled as she saw the lights glowing. Taylor had his Christmas lights. She sighed and she tried to hold back the flood of Christmas memories that threatened to spill out. It would be their first Christmas without Shane, she was reminded by the stab of pain that sliced into her. She handed Riley a steaming cup of hot chocolate she’d made to reward his hard work. They both stood in the driveway looking up at the lights sipping from their cups.
“This is good hot chocolate, Brenda.” Riley said using her actual name for the first time since they’d met back in Bess. Her heart started to pound in her ears. He had used her name. Her actual name!
“I’m glad you like it. Thanks for your help.” She said and took a hard sip from her own cup, letting the hot liquid burn away the lump in her throat.
CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE
The Boys
“How did you find me?” She asked breaking the silence. He sighed.
“I admit I had to ask someone for a favor.”
“Louis?” S
he asked and he smiled.
“You sort of gave him your information and he sort of let me have it. Please don’t be mad at him.”
“I’m not.” She said wrapping her arms around herself to keep the cold out.
“So you know who I am?” Brenda asked afraid to make eye contact, afraid what accusations she might find there, even after all this time.
“It seemed only fair since you knew who I was, don’t you think?”
“Let me explain. . .” Brenda started but he interrupted her.
“Don’t. Louis already did and it was hard enough the first time.”
“What did he tell you?” She had to know what Louis had said because she knew that it was only part of the truth.
“He. . .he said you wanted to find me, to thank me for trying to save your. . .your husband.” He exhaled as if it gave him relief to say the words.
“I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you when I had the chance, Riley.”
“I don’t know that I would have listened even if you had.” He admitted and Brenda knew from how he’d reacted to anyone who had asked about his service or what had happened that it was true.
“Why did Louis tell you at all?”
“I needed to know and after thinking it over he told me what he knew.”
“Did he come with you?”
“No. I came by myself.”
“But how?”
“A Greyhound and two taxis.”
“Where are you staying?”
“A little motel off the highway.” He answered and she smiled not wanting to seem as interested in the details as she really was. She was thankful when he changed the subject.
“It’s almost as cold here as it is back home.” He said as they looked at the twinkling lights hanging from the roof.
“Almost, but not quite.” She laughed and suddenly, she was very aware that he was staring at her.
“I sure missed that laugh.” She heard him say so low it was almost a whisper.
“Why don’t we go inside?” She offered, changing the subject. Brenda wasn’t ready to go back down that road just yet.
“I don’t know. Are you sure I wouldn’t be interrupting your family time? The boys. . .” He paused looking uncertain.” The boys don’t know who I am do they?”
“Callan and Taylor aren’t back yet. But you’re right they don’t know who you are. I mean-they know there was a soldier that. . .” It was her turn to pause unsure of how to get the words out. “A soldier that tried to save their dad but they don’t know it was you.” Brenda wasn’t quite able to look at him as she said it all. There was silence for a few moments.
“Please come in, Riley. I want you to meet them.”
“Brenda. . .”
“They have a right to know who was with Shane when he. . .when he died.”
“But I already told you that I don’t really remember what happened. If they ask. . .”
“If they ask tell them the truth. Tell them that you don’t remember. It’ll be enough. Really.” Riley looked down at the ground. He had his hands shoved in his pockets and his feet were kicking at the loose gravel on the driveway.
“I didn’t come here to mess things up or make things harder for you.”
“Then don’t. Come inside. Eat supper with us and let them meet you.”
“But what if I’m not ready to meet them?”
“I wasn’t ready to meet you, Riley. But I’m glad I did despite all of it. . .” She shivered at the memory of Riley and his ex-fiancée kissing on the steps of the old farmhouse.
“Whatever you think happened that night. It was a misunderstanding. The whole thing between me and you was a misunderstanding wasn’t it?” he said and she cringed because it meant she had to take responsibility for her part in all of it. Especially, the lies.
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry for what happened that night. For what you saw happen between Misty and me. I’ve been wanting to talk to you for weeks but I didn’t have your number and I didn’t know where you went. Louis wouldn’t tell me right away. He was protecting you.”
“We don’t have to talk about it. It’s over and I’m sorry for lying to you about who I was. That’s what I’m truly sorry about, Riley. The rest of it isn’t any of my business.” She told him but as she said it Brenda couldn’t help but feel a little spark of jealousy as she thought about him with someone else.
“Everything’s been really complicated since I came back home. Nothing’s the same. The people I thought I knew are all different from when I left. But everyone wants me to stay the same. Then, you came along and gave me a chance to start over.” He took a step closer and Brenda found that her heart was pounding. He took her hand and felt it hard to catch her breath.
“Riley. . .”
“I don’t care what your name is- Renae or Brenda. Sure, I was mad about it. You shouldn’t have lied to me but I understand that you wanted answers. I want answers too. But these past few weeks I realized something, I realized that I missed you. I don’t know what that means in the long run. I can’t worry about that. What I know is that I can only think about what matters right now.” He pulled her close enough for their foreheads to touch.
“Riley, I don’t know what to say.”
“Say that you missed me too.” He said with a grin.
“I missed you too.” She answered and as he pulled her in to kiss her she gently pushed against him. “But what about Misty? What really happened that night?”
“I thought you didn’t want to know.” He said kissing her forehead. It was her turn to smile as she looked up at him.
“I’m sorry I lied.”
“You have a habit of doing that don’t you?” He joked and she sighed. He was right. It was a habit she’d developed and nurtured too much over the last few years. It had to stop.
“Tell me, please.”
“I ran into her after that reporter came around. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to think and I went to a spot I used to go to as a kid. The problem was that it was the same place my friends went too. Misty was there. She and Brandon had a fight. Misty was crying and I was angry about everything the reporter had said was happening in town and confused about how I felt. . .about you. It was so surreal. There we were in a place we’d been a million times together acting as if we had no idea how we’d gotten there or what had happened to us. I offered to walk her back home but she didn’t want to do that just yet and I just wanted to feel like I used to-like everything was the same. I walked her back to the house because she wanted to call her dad to come get her. There we were, standing on the steps and for a moment it was like we were back at the beginning before this war, before all the craziness. We kissed.” Brenda felt her heart contract as she saw the images play out again in her mind.
“Did you feel something?” Brenda couldn’t help asking him the question.
“Yes.” He answered and she felt the tears well up in her eyes. “I felt that it was finally over. Whatever we had was done. It was over. I was kissing her goodbye.”
“Really?”
“Yes, and that’s when you found us.”
“Why didn’t you come after me?”
“How was I going to explain something like that to you and have you believe me?”
“Exactly the way you just did, Riley.”
“You believe me?”
“I want to. You believed me didn’t you? When I told you that I was sorry about what I. . .what I did to Shane?”
“People make mistakes.”
“Do you still love her?”She couldn’t help herself. Riley sighed.
“Yes.” He said and her heart sank. “Do you love Shane?” The question startled her and for a moment she didn’t know what to say.
“Yes, of course I do.” She admitted and he smiled. “But that’s different, he’s really gone. Misty is here and you still love her.
“She’s married and about to have another man’s baby.”
“But what if she told you she’
d leave him for you? What if she decided to come back and ask you to raise the baby with her?” It was Riley’s turn to be silent.
“I couldn’t do that-not because of the baby. She’s married to the guy who was my best friend since I was six years old and even though I hate him for what happened, I can’t step in and take his family. That’s what they are now whether I like it or not. Besides, I know he loves her. He always has and when I saw her that night it was obvious to me that she felt something for him too. I can’t go back to Misty anymore than you can go back to Shane. Maybe he’s not here anymore but the guy who was in love with Misty isn’t either. I’m here. . .with you.”
“But it’s crazy what we have isn’t it? Sometimes, I don’t know how to make sense of it.”
“I’ve stopped trying to make sense of anything a long time ago.” He gently began to wipe the tears away. She put her head on his shoulder and he hugged her close. As they stood there, Brenda suddenly heard the sound of a car door shutting behind her. Riley let go of her and she turned around to see both of her sons standing in the driveway staring at them. Suddenly, her youngest son Taylor wriggled out of his older brother’s grip and ran straight for Riley. The look on his little face was one of joy as he wrapped his arms around Riley’s midsection.
“Daddy!” Taylor cried out and Brenda’s heart broke into a million pieces.
CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR
The Mistake
Riley stood still as the little boy hugged him tightly unsure as to what he should do. At the end of the drive stood Brenda’s eldest son. He made no effort to move any further than where he was and his face remained expressionless. Riley was struck by how much the boy resembled his father.
“Daddy, Daddy!” Taylor was still crying out. Riley couldn’t keep deceiving the little boy so he gently pried his arms away and bent down so they were eye to eye. The child seemed confused.
“Daddy?”
“No.” Riley answered softly. “I’m not your daddy.” The boy touched Riley’s face tracing around his eyes and his nose down to his mouth. Then, realizing that he’d made a mistake he jerked his hand away and stepped back a safe distance. Looking frantically for his mother the child ran over to Brenda and began to cry.