BONES: GODS OF CHAOS MC

by Honey Palomino

  “Thank you, again,” Daisy said, staring up at me. “They’re just as wonderful as you said they’d be.”

  “I knew you’d like them. They’re good people.”

  “Now I understand,” she said.

  “Understand what?”

  “I understand why you’re drawn to them.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Because they’re just like you. I never really believed there were people like this in the world, until I showed up in your hospital.”

  I stared down at her, the urge to kiss her, to kiss all the pain away ripping through me like a freight train. I couldn’t take away her past, no matter how much I wanted to.

  But I could damn well make sure her future looked nothing like it.

  Daisy

  Jason was so right.

  I loved absolutely everything and everyone here.

  I felt welcomed and comfortable and the kindness everyone was showing me was simultaneously breaking my heart and healing it at the same time.

  My mind was reeling.

  How could the world hold both the types of people I’d grown up around and people like these, at the same time? My entire life ‘after Disneyland’, as I’d grown accustomed to calling it, had consisted of people who were only out to meet whatever selfish need they had, whether it be money or a disgusting sickness. There was never any real regard for my well-being. Sure, they fed me. I never slept on the streets. But there wasn’t anyone who actually cared for me, outside of the other kids that were being abused alongside me.

  But these people?

  I’d never seen anything like them.

  They were doing all this for a perfect stranger, asking absolutely nothing at all in return. I had no idea how to react. I kept thanking them, like a broken record, over and over, because that’s all I knew to say.

  Gratefulness was all I had to offer.

  Someday, I told myself, I’d pay them back.

  I didn’t know how, or when, but I vowed to do something to return this immense kindness they were bestowing upon me and Alex.

  Grace was incredible. When she walked into the room the first time, all the men stopped talking, turning to her with such high regard and respect, it poured off of them. The way Ryder looked at her took my breath away. And when she turned those gentle eyes my way, my heart swelled.

  She’d taken me to the side before we sat down at the table, privately introducing herself.

  “I’m so glad you’re here, Daisy. You’re very brave coming here and I want you to know that you’ve landed in the right place. We have all the tools to help you and keep you safe. I know these guys might appear intimidating with their leather and motorcycles, but rest assured, each of them would take a bullet for you in a heartbeat.”

  “Chester already did that,” I’d said, my heart broken about the dog.

  “I heard,” she said, smiling gently. “But I know Chester well, and he’s as tough as any of these guys. Jason told me he’s going to be fine, so try not to beat yourself up about that too much. You did what you had to do to survive.”

  I nodded, trying not to cry.

  “I know this is difficult beyond words. But in order for us to help you, we need to know what we’re dealing with. Our procedure begins with you sitting down with us and telling us a general synopsis of what you’ve been through. Later, you’ll sit down with Riot, if you’re comfortable with him, and go into more detail so he can start the technical aspect.”

  “Technical?”

  “He investigates details, such as people your abuser might be connected to. He tracks down family, if necessary. He researches the best places for relocation. Whatever the situation requires.”

  “I see.”

  “Good. You ready? You don’t have to disclose any details you aren’t comfortable with, but the more information we have the better.”

  “I understand.”

  She hugged me, her soft hair brushing against my face.

  “Remember, you’re strong and safe. You can do this,” she whispered, her voice a fierce rallying cry that went straight to my gut.

  Now, I’d told them as much as I could muster, leaving out the many nights of beatings and leaving the details of the rapes out of it completely. My voice sounded almost clinical to my ears as I recounted my bleak history.

  I’d done my best to avoid Jason’s eyes the whole time. I felt his gaze on me and the few times I did glance at him, I saw exactly what I didn’t want to see.

  Pity.

  I hated it. I didn’t want him to look at me and see a broken woman, a tainted woman. I wanted to be whole, I yearned to be normal, to be just some random woman with a happy childhood, one that grew into a healthy, well-adjusted, contributing member of society.

  Instead, I was this pathetic, broken, used-up loser.

  Desperately, I wanted to see myself as they kept saying they saw me. They kept using words like strong and brave and courageous. I wanted to feel that. I wanted to truly feel that those things described me.

  I’d gotten close, too. Living at the shelter for the last year had given me a good foundation and I was building up to believing those things.

  But now?

  Now that I was here, penniless and running scared, a completely unprepared mother of a fatherless son…well, I didn’t feel strong and brave and courageous and independent any longer.

  Breaking down in front of them hadn’t helped one bit, either. When Jason came over and pulled me into his arms, I wanted to disappear into the floor. These people were kind and amazing to do what they did, but why did I have to be the one that needed this kind of help?

  For the millionth time in my life, I wished I was someone else. That this flesh that surrounded me would fall away and my soul could float off into another woman’s body, a woman who had it all together and was filled with confidence and happiness.

  What did that feel like?

  What did it feel like to have a heart full of happy memories and loving relationships? What did it feel like to wake up in the morning and know you were safe? What did it feel like to stand on your own two feet and know that you couldn’t be knocked down? What did it feel like to look at your body in the mirror and know that you and you alone owned it?

  I’d always been someone else’s property.

  Now, I had no idea what I was.

  I never should have left the shelter, I knew that with certainty now. No matter how nice Jason and Grace and the whole gang here was, at least there I had a little stability.

  Of course, it couldn’t have lasted forever. I would have been kicked out eventually, the need for safe spaces for women in Portland was immense and someone else would have needed my room. Maybe Luke would have found me there, or later, after I’d moved into my own place.

  Maybe it was all just a matter of time and the tiny bit of stability I’d managed to obtain would have been ripped away anyway, but at the moment, I was yearning for it.

  “Let’s go for a walk,” Jason said.

  He’d been sitting next to me after everyone had walked out after my breakdown, quietly watching as I composed myself by wiping my endless tears and blowing my nose and wallowing in the thoughts that wouldn’t quit and the misery that wouldn’t let up.

  “Some fresh air might help,” he murmured again, when I didn’t answer.

  I burst out crying again, thinking nothing would ever help, and surely nothing as simple as fresh air. His face crumbled and I felt even worse.

  “Okay,” I finally whispered, once I could speak again.

  He nodded and smiled again, my heart lifting just a little at his smile returning. The last thing I wanted to do was let my misery rub off on someone else. Especially him.

  “You haven’t met everyone yet,” he said, as he grabbed my hand.

  “I should get Alex,” I said.

  “Let’s check on him, but if I know Cherry, she’s perfectly content hanging out with him.”

  We did just that, and he was right. Cherry had A
lex in her lap in a corner of the kitchen, reading him The Hungry Caterpillar. Alex was delighted, laughing and pointing at the pictures.

  “Are you two okay while we take a walk?” Jason asked.

  Cherry looked up and smiled, and I was thankful she completely ignored my tear-streaked face.

  “He is such a joy, Daisy!” She said. “Thank you for letting me spend some time with him. I miss kids so much. And we don’t get too many of them visiting, outside of an occasional visit from Slade’s boy.”

  “Slade has a child?” I asked.

  “Yes,” she said. “Jeremiah. He’s a spunky little guy. Maybe you’ll get to meet him, huh, Alex?”

  “Yes!” Alex said, pointing to a picture in the book and laughing.

  “You’re sure he’s okay?”

  “Absolutely,” she smiled.

  “We won’t be long,” Jason said. He led me outside, holding my hand. I let him keep holding it, my previous reservations about working for him and being affectionate at the same time having flown out the window as soon as Luke appeared at his house.

  We stepped out onto the porch, the sunlight pouring through the trees and throwing long shadows in front of us. We began strolling down the gravel road.

  “There’s a trailhead just up here,” he said. We entered the tiny meadow that served as Ryder and Grace’s yard and I couldn’t help but smile. Their home looked like such a happy place, surrounded by lush landscaping and terra-cotta flowerpots full of vibrant blooms. A small pond with a little waterfall stood in the corner of the yard, a small stone bench next to it. I inhaled deeply, allowing the subtle fragrances of the flowers and pines to blanket me.

  Jason walked next to me in silence as we entered the trail, the forest closing in around us as we strolled down the narrow and worn trail. The sound of rushing water in the distance echoed off the trees, amplifying the endless chirping of birds.

  “There’s a creek up here,” he said. “It runs parallel to the entire property, with multiple trails leading to it. Riot is a fan of the north trail, but that’s up a ways. I like this one because nobody else seems to use it, at least not when I’m here, but also because — well, you’ll see.”

  “It smells amazing,” I said.

  “The pine…”

  I nodded, smiling up at him. His hand enveloped mine warmly and he squeezed it gently as we rounded a bend in the trail. The sound of the water grew louder until we stood right in front of it. Flowing over rocks and logs, the clear rushing water formed little waterfalls that formed shimmering pools full of tiny fish and small pebbles. Jason leaned down, scooping up a handful of water and drinking it.

  “It’s cold,” he said, smiling over at me. “Want some?”

  “Yes,” I nodded. I leaned down, scooping it up in my hands and taking a drink. It was cold, very cold, and the feeling of the icy water sliding down my throat and into my chest was exhilarating. Instantly, I felt my misery lifting just a bit. I scooped more water from the creek, drinking it in again, closing my eyes and relishing in the relaxing of my shoulders.

  “It’s like some magical elixir, isn’t it?” Jason asked, his eyes bright and happy. “At least that’s what I pretend it is.”

  “Fresh air, fresh water,” I said. “So simple, yet so necessary.”

  “True,” he said. “I wish I could bring all of my patients here.”

  “If only it could cure all the illnesses in the world,” I said.

  “You’d be surprised,” he said, laughing a little.

  We stood up and watched the water slide over the wet, mossy rocks, crashing over the rounded edges and creating frothy white splashes. It was mesmerizing and I found myself finally letting go of the memories that had been clinging to me since this morning. I inhaled again, breathing in deeply.

  My shoulders relaxed even more and when Jason slid his arm around my waist and pulled me close, I leaned in, melting into him. We stood like that for a long while, silently watching the water, listening to the birds overhead, their song carried through the trees by the light breeze.

  “Thank you,” I murmured, finally breaking the silence. “For everything.”

  “My pleasure,” he whispered, pulling me in a little closer.

  “I feel like I owe you so much,” I said.

  “You owe me nothing,” he said, shaking his head gently.

  “Where would I be without you?” I said, knowing the answer but not wanting to break the prettiness of this moment with my ugly reality.

  “As far as I can tell you were doing just fine on your own, but I’m so glad we found each other.”

  I smiled and nodded.

  “Me, too,” I said. “What’s going to happen to us?”

  “Us?” He asked.

  “Me and Alex.”

  “Oh.”

  “If we have to go away, will we ever see you again?”

  “I’ll make sure of it,” he nodded with firm determination. I couldn’t help but smile at his answer. It was exactly what I wanted to hear.

  “Good.”

  I looked up at him, smiling now, the tears long faded away. He turned his eyes down to meet mine, my heart swelling with a feeling I’d never known before and was way too afraid to examine right now. I didn’t want to put a name on this. I didn’t want to turn the light on and look at it, assign it some kind of meaning.

  I just wanted to feel it, whatever it was.

  And, my God did it feel amazing.

  Being here with him, surrounded by such lush natural beauty, blessed with his handsomeness and kindness, it was practically paradise and I knew it.

  I also knew it wouldn’t last.

  So, I did something I probably shouldn’t have done.

  At least not yet.

  But I couldn’t help it, I couldn’t control it, I couldn’t — even if I wanted to, which I very much did not.

  I raised myself up on my tiptoes and slid my arms around his neck and kissed him. I kissed him with all the pain and joy and misery and yearning and whatever else I had inside of me.

  It wasn’t a gentle kiss, like the one he’d given me before.

  It wasn’t a kiss that you were supposed to give when you barely knew someone. It wasn’t even a kiss you were supposed to give when you were in the middle of a crazy crisis, like I was.

  It was totally and completely out of place.

  I kissed him hard and long, my lips pressing against his, opening them, my tongue sliding inside his mouth, searching for something I’d never had before.

  He froze at first — but then, he stirred. As if he was contemplating the appropriateness of it himself.

  I was too brazen.

  Too bold.

  It was too much, too hard, too passionate, too sudden…

  But all I could think was that I would soon be gone, whisked away to some unknown place, with some new identity and I may never be here, in a moment like this, with a man like him, ever again in my life…

  And desperation makes you do desperate things.

  So, here I was, kissing him like I’d never kissed anyone. With purpose and lust and determination and the most intense passion I’d ever allowed myself to feel. I unleashed it all on him.

  He didn’t seem to mind.

  He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer. I felt his hardness between us and instead of flinching, I pressed closer. I knew how to do this, I’d done it a hundred times before. The sex, I mean. But this? This was something entirely new.

  This was desire.

  His mouth enveloped mine and we stayed like that for a long time, allowing the lust to bubble up between us, our mouths beginning the connection that spread throughout our limbs, resting squarely in my gut and apparently resting squarely in his pants.

  He was throbbing, the heat of his hardness penetrating the thick denim of my jeans. His hands moved up my back and they were hot, too. I basked in the warmth of him, my back arching against his chest, my breasts pressing into him with complete abandon.

  I moane
d against him, my hands moving from around his neck and roaming over his back, pulling him as close as I could. Our lips never parted, our tongues tangling together deliciously as my need for him grew to an urgent crescendo.

  He kiss turned harder, his tongue delving deeper, engulfing my moans of desire. My hands roamed over his back, our kiss making my knees weaken.

  Finally, he pulled away, staring down at me as I gazed up at him in wonder.

  A real man, I thought, after all these years…

  “You’re crying,” he whispered, reaching up and wiping away a tear with his fingers. I hadn’t realized I was crying again.

  “I’m not sure why,” I replied.

  “Maybe this is too soon?” he asked, concern filling his blue eyes. “I shouldn’t have…”

  “You didn’t,” I reminded him, smiling through the tears that I was pretty sure were some mixture of healing and joy. He leaned down, kissing me again, gently this time, his lips so soft, his tongue moving so slowly, it was as if we’d melted together, become one person, with one heart, sharing one pair of lips.

  I wanted to break free, run through the forest with him, yelling vows of love at the top of my lungs. But if it was too soon for lust-filled kisses then I knew it was definitely too soon for vows of love shouted with wild abandon.

  I kept my words to myself, kissing him back, the gentleness slowly turning back to an urgent, lustful search. His hands cradled my cheeks and I’d never felt so wanted, so desired.

  It wasn’t the hardness throbbing between his legs, it wasn’t the kiss, though those were as clear indicators as any — but the way he looked at me, with such compassion and yes — love — that made me realize how much he wanted me.

  “I don’t really know how to do this,” I whispered. “Not like this…”

  He shook his head, a slow, sexy grin spreading across his face.

  “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, Daisy. Never again.”

  “I didn’t say I didn’t want to,” I said, shaking my head slowly.

  He grabbed my hand, bringing it up and pressing it to his lips.