THE HITWOMAN UNDER PRESSURE (Confessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman Book 15)

by JB Lynn

“No way am I climbing in a rolling can. I need to be able to spread my wings.”

  Needing his help, I fought the urge to snap, “Well then how the hell are we supposed to find Marlene?”

  “Watch DeeDee can fly him,” the dog suggested.

  “What?” I asked.

  “She said she can watch him fly,” Piss translated patiently.

  Sighing, I climbed into the car. “I don’t know what I’ll do when you leave us, Piss.”

  “You’ll do just fine,” God said. “We did fine before she arrived.”

  “We’ve done better with her,” I snapped.

  “You’ve got me now,” Piss reminded me. “So why don’t you roll down the windows and let the dog stick her head out?”

  I lowered the windows.

  “This should be fun,” God said sarcastically as he scrambled to get himself situated on the dashboard.

  Ignoring him, I put Armani’s car into gear and began driving slowly down the street as DeeDee happily stuck her head out the front passenger window.

  “Now!” DeeDee barked as we approached an intersection.

  “Now?” I asked.

  “I bet that means turn now,” Piss supplied helpfully.

  “Right or left?” I asked, leaning forward, trying to look up at the night sky and spot the crow as I stopped the car.

  “Right,” DeeDee panted.

  So I turned right.

  “Way wrong,” the dog corrected.

  “But you said ‘right’.” I quickly made a K-turn in the middle of the road and headed in the opposite direction.

  “Why would you ever imagine that a grammatically-challenged drooling beast would know her right from her left?” God asked. “Has she ever done anything to make you think she could master a concept like that?”

  “Right,” DeeDee barked.

  I wasn’t sure if she was agreeing with the lizard’s assessment or telling me to turn again.

  I slammed on the brakes. The lizard slid toward the windshield. DeeDee banged her head against the window frame. Not that it seemed to bother her in the least.

  “Uh oh,” Piss whispered, “somebody’s not happy.”

  “My sister is in grave danger and you guys aren’t helping me,” I complained as tears of frustration filled my eyes. I tried to blink them away, knowing they didn’t help anything.

  An uncomfortable silence hung in the car.

  “Maggie sorry,” DeeDee finally whined softly. “Help trying I to am.”

  I sighed. “I know you’re trying to help.”

  “What if I sit on one side of the car and God goes to the other and DeeDee tells us which one Mike is closer to?” Piss suggested.

  “Excellent idea!” God declared. “Why didn’t I think of that?”

  “Because you were too busy being a smart ass,” the cat hissed.

  Piss took a spot behind DeeDee and God scrambled over to sit right in front of me.

  “See them, DeeDee?” I asked.

  “Yup.”

  I started driving again.

  “Piss! Piss!” the dog barked.

  I turned right.

  A few blocks later it was, “Ass smart! Ass smart!”

  I chuckled, spinning the steering wheel to the left.

  “Not funny,” God complained.

  “Funny and accurate,” Piss countered.

  Suddenly Mike dive-bombed the windshield, forcing me to slam on the brakes.

  He landed on the lowered passenger window. “You’re here. Took ya long enough. What was the hold up?”

  “The dog doesn’t know her left from her right,” God explained with exaggerated patience.

  “Well why would she?” Mike asked. “She’s a dog. She’s got other skills.”

  DeeDee gave him a big toothy grin of thanks.

  God shook his head. “The bar is set so low for this one.”

  “Where’s Marlene?” I asked.

  “That one.” Mike pointed his beak toward the only house on the block that had lights on.

  I frowned. “So much for going in under cover of darkness.”

  “Maybe you should call for help,” Piss suggested.

  “I can’t. I don’t have a phone. Besides, who would I call? How could I explain being here. No. We’re going to have to do this on our own.”

  “Help we’ll,” DeeDee panted. “Alone not Maggie.”

  I thought I heard the cat groan. “You can stay here, Piss,” I told her hurriedly remembering her concern that she didn’t have many lives left.

  “No, sugar. You need me.”

  I wanted to argue with her, but couldn’t because she was right.

  We all piled out of the car. God took a vantage point on my shoulder.

  “So what’s the plan?” Mike asked.

  “I don’t have one,” I admitted.

  “Those who fail to plan, plan to fail,” God lectured.

  He wasn’t wrong. I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t have a weapon, except for an empty gun. I was starting to think I didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of saving my sister. Panic churned in my gut, but I couldn’t let on that I was having second thoughts.

  Chapter 21

  I marched up to the house, shivering against the cold.

  “Over here,” Mike called, fluttering in front of a basement window.

  Following his lead, I crept over, knelt down and peered inside. We all huddled together as God moved closer to my neck to get a better view, DeeDee pushed in on one side of me, Piss on the other, and even the crow landed on my empty shoulder.

  I really hoped I wouldn’t end up with bird poop running down my back.

  A startled cry escaped me when I saw Marlene lying on the floor. I slammed a hand over my mouth to keep myself quiet, startling the bird.

  “Dead?” DeeDee panted.

  I elbowed her in the chest for even saying such a thing. She gasped, not because I’d hurt her, but because I’d startled her.

  I stared at Marlene who wasn’t moving.

  The giant guy from the bowling alley strolled into my line of vision letting me know that my tactic of blindly shooting at him hadn’t worked.

  I let out a shaky sigh of relief. They wouldn’t be guarding Marlene if she was dead. Still, that meant she must be asleep or unconscious and wouldn’t be able to participate in her own rescue.

  “Boss will be here within the hour,” another man, who I couldn’t see, said.

  The giant nodded. “He would have liked it better if we had those kids to use to settle the score. If you hadn’t lost them…”

  “I’m not the only one who lost them,” the other man said defensively. “Besides, a twin sister’s gotta be worth almost as much,” the other man said, moving into view. It was the guy I’d taken on at the bowling alley.

  “I need a smoke,” the giant announced, lumbering away.

  “This is our chance,” God whispered. “We need to divide and conquer before the boss gets here with more men.”

  “The know-it-all has a point,” Mike agreed.

  The lizard flicked his tail, clearly not thrilled that the bird was backing him up. “Somebody needs to take on the big guy while Maggie and I rescue Marlene.”

  “Why do you get to do it?” Mike asked.

  “Do I look like I could take on a giant human?” God asked. “Obviously I could outwit him, but this is a job for the brawny brainless.”

  All eyes swung to DeeDee.

  “Me?” she panted uncertainly.

  “You’re the only one who can do it, honeybunch,” Piss purred. “But I’ll help you.”

  “Less talking, more doing,” God urged. “The window of opportunity is closing.”

  “Smoke!” DeeDee snarled and took off running.

  “Wait for me!” Piss yowled running after her.

  “Into the basement!” God ordered like he was ordering the cavalry to charge.

  “How?” I asked.

  “There’s a door around the corner,” Mike supplied. “This way.”


  I pulled the gun out of my jeans and ran after him.

  “Are you going to feed him some lead?” Mike asked.

  “With this?” I waved the gun. “Not likely. It’s empty.”

  The bird tilted his head to the side. “Then why have it?”

  “Because that guy doesn’t know it’s empty,” God supplied for me.

  Suddenly we heard a shout and wild barking in the distance.

  “Now!” God yelled. “Make your move now!”

  I pushed open the door and jumped into the basement with my useless weapon pointed at Marlene’s kidnapper. “Don’t move, punk!” I shouted in my deepest, I-mean-business, voice.

  The man’s hands went straight up in the air. “Don’t shoot!”

  “Then don’t you breathe,” I retorted, doing my best to hold the gun steady. “Marlene?”

  She didn’t answer me. She didn’t even stir.

  “Are you wearing a lizard?” the man asked incredulously.

  “Wearing? Wearing?” God raged.

  The man squinted as the lizard squeaked. His hands lowered slightly.

  “I will shoot you,” I threatened.

  His hands shot back up.

  I heard what sounded like a shot outside. I clenched my jaw, knowing I couldn’t afford to think about what that might mean. “What did you do to my sister?”

  “It’s just a sedative,” he said quickly.

  I tried to quell the panic that was threatening my oxygen supply. I couldn’t keep this guy at bay and carry Marlene out. Hell, I didn’t really think I could carry Marlene out, maybe, if I had a lot of time, I could drag her, but that damn window was closing.

  “Sedate him,” God suggested.

  “How?” I asked.

  “It’s just a needle prick,” the guy hurried to explain, thinking the question had been directed at him.

  “Do you have more?” I asked.

  He nodded.

  “Where?”

  He pointed to a leather case on the floor near Marlene. “In there.”

  “Get it. Slowly.”

  Slowly, he did as I ordered removing a loaded syringe from the case.

  “I’m gonna give you a choice,” I said, channeling Mike’s tough guy persona. “Either you give yourself one of those shots or I’ll give you one between the eyes.”

  He shook his head. “I do that and my boss will kill me for sure.”

  “Your choice,” I bluffed.

  He lunged, trying to stab me with the needle.

  Instinctively I pulled the trigger, but of course nothing happened. All the gun was good for was knocking the syringe from his grip.

  Undeterred, he slammed into me at full speed, knocking me to the ground.

  As I fell, I was aware of two things, I’d failed Marlene, and God screaming, “Sensitive skiiinnnn!” as he sailed through the air.

  I was momentarily stunned by having the breath knocked out of me, but a second after I hit the floor, I was fighting back.

  While the kidnapper tried to pin me, I flailed wildly, Patrick’s self-defense lesson roaring in my head.

  Eyes. Nose. Throat. Groin. Eyes. Nose. Throat. Groin. Eyes. Nose. Throat. Groin.

  I kneed and scratched and jabbed with everything I had, knowing I was fighting not only for my life, but for both my sisters.

  We rolled around on the floor in a death match punctuated by groans and heavy breathing.

  And then suddenly a dark blur knocked him off me.

  “Alone leave Maggie,” DeeDee snarled viciously.

  I looked up to find her, teeth bared, standing over him, ready to tear him limb from limb.

  The man didn’t move.

  At all.

  I crawled over to him carefully. “If you move, my dog will rip your throat out,” I gasped.

  There was no reaction from him.

  Reaching out, I grabbed his shoulder and rolled his dead weight over. The syringe was sticking out of his leg.

  “Good girl, DeeDee,” I said. “You knocked him out.”

  “Dumb luck,” God groused. “She didn’t mean to knock him into the needle.”

  Looking around, I saw that he was curled near Marlene’s face.

  “Is she breathing?” I asked.

  “Yes, and she should stop eating so much pizza. Her breath reeks.”

  Dragging myself over to Marlene, I shook her shoulder. “Marlene? Wake up.”

  She didn’t respond.

  I sighed heavily. “We’ve got to get her out of here.”

  That’s when I heard the footsteps behind me.

  Chapter 22

  I hung my head. I was the worst rescuer of all time.

  “You okay, Mags?” a familiar voice asked.

  Spinning around, I found Patrick watching me, a gun held at his side.

  “Patrick!” DeeDee barked happily.

  “What have you gotten yourself into this time?” the redhead asked.

  “Are you here to be my savior or executioner?” I blurted out.

  A slight smile played at his lips. “Why do you always think the worst of me, Mags?”

  Stepping toward me, he offered his gun-free hand.

  I took it and let him pull me to my feet. “Sorry.”

  He shook his head, releasing me. “Is Marlene hurt?”

  “I think she’s just sedated, but we have to get out of here.”

  He crouched down to get a better look at my sister.

  “Quickly,” I added for emphasis. “There are others coming.”

  “I took care of the big guy out front,” Patrick assured me.

  “Life saved he my,” DeeDee panted.

  “That’s great, but bigger, worse trouble is coming,” I told them both.

  Patrick jerked his gaze up to meet mine. “What kind of trouble?”

  “Ever heard of a guy named Cyril Redcoat?”

  In all the time I’ve known him, I’d never seen Patrick panic, but he came pretty close at that moment. “How the hell did you get mixed up with him?”

  “It’s complicated. It’s—”

  “Take this.” He held out his gun to me.

  I took it. “This has bullets in it, right?”

  He looked at me like I was nuts. “Yes, bullets to shoot people with.”

  “I’m really sorry that you got dragged into this.”

  “You didn’t drag me into it,” he said through gritted teeth, picking Marlene up in a fireman’s carry. “I was foolish enough to volunteer. Now I’d really like to get us all out of it. Lead the way.”

  I hurried out of the basement, gun held in front of me as I searched for lurking bad guys.

  Patrick, with Marlene draped over his shoulder, followed closely behind.

  “Don’t forget me!” God shouted.

  “Him got,” DeeDee panted.

  Piss ran up in front of me. “Hurry, sugar. They just pulled up. We can’t go back to the car. This way.”

  DeeDee, with God hanging on to her collar, like a jockey trying to win the Derby, raced past me.

  I jogged after her.

  Looking back over my shoulder, I saw that Patrick was keeping up.

  I didn’t know where we were going. I wondered if he did, or if he was just concentrating on staying upright as he dragged Marlene along for the ride.

  “My car’s this way,” the redhead panted.

  We climbed a hill, cutting through backyards and across a street.

  Finally we reached a silver SUV I didn’t recognize, but considering DeeDee had stopped and was staring at it, I assumed that it was Patrick’s latest vehicle.

  “Open the back door,” the cop/hitman gasped.

  I did as he asked. “You don’t lock your car?”

  Ignoring me, he carefully placed Marlene in the backseat. “In,” he ordered.