THE HITWOMAN UNDER PRESSURE (Confessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman Book 15)

by JB Lynn

  I could practically feel the frustration coming off of Angel in waves, but he didn’t say anything. He just turned around and went back inside the B&B.

  “Can I give Mike an extra slice of bread?” Katie asked.

  “Sure.”

  “Wait here,” she told the bird before limping into the kitchen.

  “The child will be lucky if she doesn’t contract tetanus, or perhaps the plague from all this junk you bring her,” God reprimanded the bird as I crossed the yard to sit at the table.

  “Ignore him,” I said to Mike. “I think it’s sweet.”

  “Well I think it’s repulsive,” God said.

  “She enjoys the treasures,” I assured the black bird. “Thank you for making her happy.”

  “I like the kid. She doesn’t come with baggage like you.” The crow stared pointedly at the lizard on my shoulder. “I could make you happy too.”

  I shook my head. “Sorry. I know he’s annoying, but we’re a package deal.”

  “He can hear you,” God informed us haughtily. “Besides, there’s nothing you can do that would make Maggie happy. At best, you’re helpful. At worst, you’re a begging nuisance.”

  The bird ruffled his feathers indignantly. “I’m no beggar.”

  “A thief then,” God countered. “You yourself said your name is Mike the Mooch and I’m guessing from all the pilfered items you deliver that you live up to that moniker.”

  “Proudly,” Mike agreed, bobbing his head.

  “It’s nothing to be proud of,” God argued.

  The crow cackled.

  “What’s so funny?” I asked.

  “How wrong the fancy-pants is.” He cackled again like he’d just heard the world’s funniest joke.

  “I am never wrong,” God replied haughtily.

  “Oh yeah?” the bird challenged. “Watch this.”

  Beating his wings, he suddenly took off.

  “Why’d you go and do that?” I berated the lizard. “Katie will be back any minute to feed him and now he’s gone.”

  “Gone!” DeeDee barked.

  “Aaah!” the lizard and I yelped simultaneously, startled by her unexpected arrival.

  “Who let you out?” I asked.

  “Angel,” the dog woofed softly.

  “Where’s Mike?” Katie asked, walking hesitantly across the yard.

  “I don’t know,” I replied honestly.

  DeeDee ran to the little girl’s side and let Katie hang on to her collar to steady herself.

  “Dinner is ready in five minutes,” Susan yelled from the kitchen. “Don’t be late. I made Marlene’s favorites.”

  “Coming,” I yelled.

  “But—” Katie began to protest.

  “No arguments, young lady.” I picked her up and hurried toward the house. I knew that the reason Susan had made Marlene’s favorites was because we’d all been worried about how subdued she’d been since her ordeal.

  “There he is,” Katie yelled.

  “The mooch has returned,” God drawled. “All hail the mooch.”

  Turning around, I saw that Mike had landed just a few feet from us.

  “Quickly then,” I urged, putting Katie down so that she could feed him the new piece of bread. She ended up giving more than half of it to DeeDee who was standing beside her.

  As soon as Katie was done, she grabbed the dog’s collar and the two of them went into the house.

  “Thanks for coming back,” I said to the crow before turning to go inside.

  “But I haven’t given you your treasure,” he protested.

  I smiled. “You don’t have to do that.”

  “Yes I do. It will make you happy and prove Mr. La-di-da there wrong. Hold out your hand and close your eyes and you will get a big surprise.”

  I did as he asked, knowing that it was the quickest way to get through it. A cool piece of metal landed in my palm.

  Opening my eyes, I saw a glint of silver and realized it was a keychain, more specifically, a memory stick key chain.

  “Is that…?” God asked in awe.

  “I mooched it from the guy with the knife. Pretty thing, ain’t it?”

  My heart soared. The information Redcoat had possessed was now in my hand. I closed my fist around it. I could give it to Whitehat. Darlene could live a normal life.

  “Thank you,” I said to the bird. “Thank you. If I could hug you, I would.”

  He flapped his wings proudly. “I’m just glad I got to make you happy.” Then he focused on the lizard. “See? You were wrong.”

  The lizard remained silent.

  “Hurry, Margaret,” Susan yelled.

  I practically skipped inside, knowing that I had the thing Darlene needed. Rushing into the dining room, I took the seat between Angel and Katie. Across the table from us sat Loretta and Templeton who were whispering sweet nothings to each other, and Leslie who appeared to be making a monumental effort to keep her eyes open.

  “You look happy,” Aunt Loretta noted.

  “I am,” I grinned. “I think things are going to change.”

  “Yes they are,” Loretta beamed. “Armani has decided to take some of her lottery winnings and become a silent partner in The Corset.”

  “Armani’s never struck me as the silent type,” I warned.

  “No matter.” Loretta waved me off dismissively. “She’s got a real appreciation of the shop and has already made some wonderful suggestions. In fact, she—”

  “So things are changing,” I interrupted, worried that the changes Loretta was about to expand on weren’t suitable for Katie’s ears. Or my stomach.

  “Let’s hope so,” Susan said from the head of the table.

  Sitting beside her, Marshal Griswald patted her hand, calming her the way one would soothe a high-strung filly.

  “We’ve certainly seen enough trouble for a while,” Susan concluded.

  I couldn’t have agreed more.

  Chapter 29

  But I also noticed that we might have a reason to celebrate.

  Susan was wearing a ring, specifically a diamond ring.

  I grinned at her, hoping this meant what I thought it did.

  “What?” she asked suspiciously.

  “Do you have something to tell us?” I stared pointedly at her hand, which was still half-covered by Griswald’s.

  “I—I—I—” she stammered, turning a lovely shade of pink and looking to her beloved for some help.

  “She said yes,” Griswald boomed with an ear-to-ear grin.

  “Congratulations!” Angel and I said simultaneously.

  “Yes to what?” Katie asked.

  “They’re going to get married.” Loretta’s fake eyelashes fluttered as her inner romantic swooned.

  Katie screwed up her face. “You’re too old to get married.”

  Susan went from pink to red.

  “No she’s not, sweetheart,” Loretta corrected quickly. “You’re never too old to fall in love. When you finally find the one…”

  Susan made a choking noise, indicating that her multi-married sister wasn’t the best person to make that particular argument.

  “Well, I for one am glad to say that she’s made me the happiest man in the world,” Griswald gushed.

  “We’re happy for you,” I assured them both.

  There was a clattering crash in the kitchen, startling all of us.

  “Just me,” Marlene yelled.

  “You’re late,” Susan informed her.

  Marlene giggled, a silly girlish sound I hadn’t heard her make in a long time.

  Wondering what had lifted her spirits, I found myself smiling in return.

  I knew the moment that she walked into the room that she’d seen her twin.

  There was a lightness about her, as though she’d been relieved of the great psychic burden she’d been lugging around for all these years.

  “I have something to tell you,” she announced, giddy excitement making it sound like she was on the verge of hysteria.
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br />   Everyone looked up expectantly.

  I held my breath.

  “I saw Darlene,” she said.

  “Nonsense,” Susan spat out automatically.

  “Really?” Loretta asked.

  “Where?” Leslie asked. “How?” Even in her chemically altered state she managed to make the most sense.

  “She came into the pizza shop,” Marlene explained excitedly. “She looked…”

  “Old?” Leslie suggested.

  “Different, but the same if you know what I mean.”

  I nodded, knowing exactly what she meant.

  I realized my mistake when I realized Griswald’s shrewd gaze was fixed on me. “That’s how I felt when you came home,” I said to Marlene, trying to throw off the suspicions of the marshal.

  “But—but—” Susan sputtered. “She’s dead.”

  Marlene shook her head. “She’s alive and well and…” she paused for dramatic effect, “she has a family.”

  “Of course she has a family, she’s always had a family,” Susan muttered.

  Marlene shook her head.

  “Wait!” Loretta gasped. “Do you mean to tell us she’s got a family of her own?”

  Marlene nodded excitedly. “She showed me their pictures. A husband and two little girls.”

  “Does he have a nice chin?” Templeton asked sarcastically.

  Loretta elbowed him in the ribs.

  Angel chuckled.

  “When do we get to see her?” Loretta asked. “When do we get to meet them?”

  “Where the hell has she been?” Susan boomed, startling all of us. “What the hell kind of game has she been playing? What the—”

  “Language, Aunt Susan,” I admonished, tipping my head wide-eyed in Katie’s direction.

  Susan let out a sound that sounded like a cross between a deflating balloon and an angry baboon as she jumped up from the table and ran from the room.

  I pushed my chair away from the table.

  “Don’t,” Griswald said, getting to his feet. “Leave her to me.”

  I nodded, grateful for his intervention.

  “Maggie, you don’t seem as surprised as the rest of us,” Templeton remarked once the marshal had left the room. “Why not?”

  I shrugged. “With Armani as one of my best friends, I’ve come to believe in psychics, so I believed Gypsy.” That wasn’t a lie. I had believed Gypsy, I’d just believed her long before she’d told the rest of my family Darlene was still alive.

  Still, thinking about the patchouli-scented woman, I remembered that the last time I’d seen her she’d told me that Teresa had said I’d find what I needed in the Cat Nest. In all the excitement I’d forgotten to find out what she’d meant.

  In my haste, I almost knocked over my chair as I got up. “If you’ll excuse me. I have something I have to take care of.”

  “Sit down,” Loretta ordered sternly. “If Susan gets back here and finds you gone, it could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.”

  “What camel?” Katie asked.

  “It’s just a saying, sweetie,” I told her distractedly, trying to figure out how I could sneak into the Cat Nest unnoticed.

  “Anyway,” Marlene continued happily. “Darlene says she’ll be home.”

  “That’s great news,” Zeke declared walking into the room.

  “You said he was sleeping,” Loretta said to Leslie accusingly.

  “I was,” he hurried to assure her, “but I woke up and smelled the food.”

  “We’re never going to eat,” Katie complained. “Aunt Susan’s never coming back.”

  “She’ll be back,” Angel assured her.

  “In the meantime we should eat,” I declared.

  All sets of eyes in the room swiveled in my direction. Everyone knew that Susan was the person who determined when we’d eat, but I was making an executive decision. Granted, it was motivated by my desire to go climb a tree, but it was about time someone else in the dysfunctional home acted like a responsible adult.

  I reached for a basket of dinner rolls. Everyone else quickly followed suit and soon everyone was eating, talking and laughing.

  Susan and Griswald never returned.

  When the meal was over, I practically flew out of the room and down to the basement.

  “Teresa left me something,” I declared breathlessly when I reached the bottom of the stairs.

  “Yes,” Godzilla agreed. “Responsibility for Katie.”

  “Besides that. She told Gypsy that what I needed was in the Cat Nest.”

  “Need what you do?” DeeDee asked.

  “Huh?”

  “She wants to know what you need,” Piss translated.

  “I don’t know,” I admitted.

  “Maybe that’s something you ought to figure out,” God suggested.

  It wasn’t bad advice.

  The End

  A note from JB:

  Hello friend,

  I hope you enjoyed The Hitwoman Under Pressure. Hopefully it afforded you a brief escape from the pressures of YOUR life.

  Make sure you’re signed up for my newsletter so that you’ll know when THE HITWOMAN PLAYS CHAPERONE is available….I mean what could possibly go wrong on a school trip chaperoned by Maggie, right?

  http://www.jblynn.com/about-jb-lynn.html

  Hugs and murder,

  JB

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  OTHER BOOKS BY JB LYNN

  Confessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman Series

  “If you love series such as Evanovich’s Plum and Bond’s Body Movers, you’ll love Confessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman”

  Confessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman (Book 1)

  Maggie Lee is not your average hitwoman. For one thing, she's never killed anyone.

  For another, after hitting her head in the car accident that killed her sister, her new best friend is a talking lizard—a picky eater, obsessed with Wheel of Fortune, that only Maggie can hear.

  Maggie, who can barely take care of herself, is desperate to help her injured and orphaned niece get the best medical care possible, so she reluctantly accepts a mobster's lucrative job offer: major cash to kill his monstrous son-in-law.

  Paired with Patrick Mulligan, a charming murder mentor (who happens to moonlight as a police detective), Maggie stumbles down her new career path, contending with self-doubt, three meddling aunts, a semi-psychic friend predicting her doom, and a day job she hates.

  Oh, and let's not forget about Paul Kowalski, the sexy beat cop who could throw her ass in jail if he finds out what she's up to.

  Training has never been so complicated! And, this time, Maggie has to get the job done.

  Because if she doesn't . . . she's the mob's next target.

  Further Confessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman (Book 2)

  The Hitwoman Gets Lucky (Book 3) -- FREE!

  The Hitwoman and the Family Jewels (Book 4)

  The Hitwoman and the Neurotic Witness (Book 5)

  The Hitwoman Hunts a Ghost (Book 6)

  The Hitwoman and the 7 Cops (Book 7)

  The Hitwoman and the Poisoned Apple (Book 8)

  The Hitwoman’s Downward Dog (Book 9)

  The Hitwoman’s Act of Contrition (Book 10)

  The Hitwoman Hires a Manny (Book 11)

  The Hitwoman and the Sacrificial Lamb (Book 12)

  The Hitwoman and the Chubby Cherub (Book 13)

  The Matchmaker Mysteries

  The Mutt and the Matchmaker (Book 1) FREE!!

  A Match Made In Mystery (Book 2)

  Catnapped! (Book 3)

  A Woof in Sheep’s Clothing (Book 4)

  Romantic Suspense

  Until Proven Innocent