Ice Dreams

by Jo Cotterill

  ‘No gloves?’ Zac said in surprise.

  Tania shook her head. ‘Think they were getting in the way.’ His hand felt strong and warm, and another butterfly did a triple loop. What on earth is happening to me? she wondered. I’ve never had this kind of reaction to a boy before!

  As soon as they stepped onto the ice, Tania could feel a difference in Zac. His skating was stronger; more confident. As they worked their way around the rink in back crossovers, her surprise grew. His edges were much cleaner, and although the old blades still scraped on the ice, his posture was a lot more solid.

  When they stopped for a moment, Tania turned to Zac. ‘You have been practising!’

  He grinned. ‘Told you.’

  She shook her head. ‘I can’t believe there’s such a difference in four days. What have you been doing?’

  ‘Basic skills. All day, every day.’

  ‘All day?’

  ‘Well, whenever I could get onto the ice. Brock’s been helping me out.’ Zac nodded towards the end of the rink, and Tania saw Brock leaning over the side and smiling at them.

  ‘Quite a difference, isn’t there?’ he called.

  Tania skated over. ‘Has he really been here all day every day?’ she asked in a low voice.

  Brock nodded. ‘Yup. And he’s finally started listening to what I’ve been telling him for the last two years.’

  Zac, joining them, heard this and grinned. ‘It’s the first time I’ve had a reason to,’ he said cheekily.

  ‘Right,’ said Brock. ‘So then. Lifts.’

  Tania felt something in her tense up, but she was determined that Zac and Brock shouldn’t see her nerves. ‘Let’s do it.’

  They practised for over an hour, doing the basic lifts again and again. Brock seemed pleased, but Tania knew she wasn’t doing as well as she should. Zac was a lot steadier under her, but Tania had skated alone for years. It just wasn’t that easy to trust someone else to carry her across the ice. Especially with that nagging panic of falling. ‘Again,’ Brock kept saying, and Tania knew it was because of her.

  Zac was patient, but she could tell he was puzzled. She felt angry with herself. Why couldn’t she just relax and trust him? She knew he would never drop her on purpose. The last time had been a complete accident; it could have happened to anyone. She had been telling herself that this time would be different, now that Zac had proved how keen he was to work hard. Surely she could overcome this one little problem? But every time they were speeding across the ice and Brock said, ‘Prepare …’ Tania knew every muscle in her body was tightening, and not in a good way. Her heart sank as the hour wore on.

  ‘Now.’ Brock looked from one to the other. ‘The death spiral.’ The death spiral was a required element in pairs skating, and it always drew applause from the crowd. Done properly, it was a masterpiece of aesthetics, the female skater bent backwards over the ice, one blade only skimming the surface, whilst her partner held her by the hand and twirled her around him in a huge circle.

  Brock explained the preparation for the spiral, and how Tania needed to get herself into the correct position. He even made her lie down on the ice to start with, so that Zac could try spinning her around him. But as soon as they began practising, Tania tensed up.

  ‘Loosen your back,’ called Brock. ‘You’re not leaning back far enough.’

  ‘I’ll fall.’

  ‘No you won’t,’ said Brock. ‘Zac’s holding you.’

  ‘I won’t drop you,’ Zac told her. Tania looked at him. She believed him – at least, she believed that he believed it – but she just couldn’t do it. The position meant her head was only inches from the ice as it whistled past underneath her. They tried again, and again Tania chickened out.

  ‘I’m sorry. I just can’t.’

  Zac looked at Brock, and Brock looked at Tania. ‘Look,’ said Brock. ‘I understand you’re nervous. But this isn’t about Zac. This is about you. It’s the same problem that you’re having with the jumps. You’re too tight. You’ve got to loosen up.’

  ‘Yes, I know, I know!’ said Tania, annoyed with herself. ‘It’s not as if you haven’t said it enough.’

  ‘It’s no good snapping at me,’ said Brock, starting to get annoyed too. ‘You’ve been tensing up all session. Every time you have to take a risk. What exactly is the problem?’

  Tania shook her head miserably. She couldn’t tell them. What would they think if she admitted that an accident that happened to someone else six months ago was making her terrified to skate? It would be so humiliating. She could just imagine the pity on Zac’s face. She didn’t want pity. She was strong; had always been strong. No, she would struggle on by herself. ‘Nothing. I don’t know.’

  ‘It won’t do, Tania.’

  ‘I am trying.’

  ‘Well, trying’s not good enough,’ said Brock bluntly. ‘It’s time to get over it. Zac’s been working hard to come up to your standard. He’s made incredible progress in such a short space of time. He deserves better from you.’

  ‘Oh, well …’ said Zac, looking uncomfortable. ‘That’s not exactly …’

  ‘If this pairs programme doesn’t work,’ said Brock, ‘it’ll be because of you, Tania – not Zac. You’ve got to learn to let go.’

  ‘Maybe you’re thinking too much,’ suggested Zac. She could tell he was trying to be kind. ‘You think you’re going to fall, so you’re more likely to. If you see what I mean. Maybe you should think about something else as we go into the lift.’

  Tania looked at him in despair. ‘Think about something else? Are you kidding?’

  ‘Time’s up,’ said Brock. He looked hard at Tania. ‘This is a real mental block for you. It’s time we tried something different.’

  Tania’s heart thumped. ‘Like what?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Brock said, frowning. ‘But I’ll give it some thought. I’m not here tomorrow, so you two practise without me. I’ll leave you instructions.’

  ‘All right.’

  ‘Hey,’ Zac touched Tania’s arm as they set off to the lockers. ‘I’m sorry. I guess I’m not helping as much as Brock hoped I would.’

  ‘I just don’t know what else to do,’ Tania said miserably. ‘I am trying to let go, I really am.’ But I can’t. For once in my life, my body won’t do what my head is telling it.

  ‘I know. You’re used to being in control.’

  Tania thought for a moment. ‘On the ice, I am. It’s the only place where it’s just me, you know? Everything I do on the ice – I do it all by myself. I control it. Outside the rink – school, my family, where I go, what I eat – everything is planned for me.’

  Zac raised his eyebrows. ‘Sounds like skating is supposed to be an escape for you.’

  ‘It’s not quite like that.’ She looked at him suddenly. ‘Meet me upstairs, by the front entrance, after you’ve got changed. There’s something I want to show you.’

  Zac was waiting, his skate bag slung over his shoulder. Tania nodded to his left. ‘You see that?’ It was a big glass case full of trophies, cups and shields.

  Zac turned. ‘Seen it every day. What about it?’

  ‘Look at the names on the cups.’

  Zac put his bag on the floor and bent to the cabinet to look more closely. Junior Freestyle: Tania Dunn. Highest Achievement in Short Programme: Tania Dunn. Junior Skater of the Year: Tania Dunn. Silver Medal, Annual Competition: Tania Dunn. Gold Medal, Winter Ice Competition: Tania Dunn. There were other names too, but Tania’s occurred more often than any other.

  Zac whistled. ‘That’s a lot of trophies.’

  ‘I know. And it’s sort of what I was saying downstairs. They’re mine – I won them all by myself. I didn’t have to depend on anyone else, it was all me. I have a real track record. I like winning. But these are mostly in the Junior sections. I need to break into the Seniors. I have to if I want a serious career. I want to compete at the World Championships. I want to compete at the Olympics. I want to win them all. And it’s easier to do it
on my own. That way I don’t have to rely on anyone else.’

  Zac gave her a long look. Then he took a breath and said, ‘Is that what it’s all about, though? Winning trophies?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I mean this’ – Zac waved his hand – ‘it’s all very impressive, but all it means is that you’re good at winning trophies.’

  ‘I don’t understand what you’re talking about. If I’m winning trophies, then I’m the best. I have to be the best.’

  ‘Why?’

  Tania was stumped. ‘What do you mean, why?’

  ‘What’s it for?’

  ‘To prove I’m good. To prove I’m not just a child skater.’

  ‘Prove to who?’

  Tania gave a laugh. ‘Everyone, of course!’

  Zac nodded slowly. ‘But don’t you do it because you love it? I mean, what’s the point in winning if you’re not happy?’

  Tania bit her lip. ‘Winning makes me happy. And I know I’m not good enough to win at the moment. That’s why I have to train so hard – to get better, so I can win.’

  ‘But what if you couldn’t win? Would you still do it?’ persisted Zac. ‘I mean, do you love it just for what it is, or only because you can collect trophies?’

  ‘I love it, of course …’ Tania started to say, but her voice trailed off. Was that really true? If she didn’t beat this fear, if she couldn’t compete any more, would she want to carry on skating?

  Zac was watching her closely. ‘You used to love it, didn’t you?’ he said in a soft voice. Tania swallowed and nodded. ‘So what happened? Why has it changed?’

  Tania felt tears prick her eyes at his gentle tone. ‘Something happened a while back …’ she replied, but her voice wobbled and she clamped her lips shut.

  Zac waited, but she didn’t say any more. ‘It must have been bad,’ he said gently. ‘To change the way you feel so much. It’s OK, you don’t have to tell me.’

  But I want to, Tania thought. I want to so much. But I’m even more afraid of what you’ll say if I do.

  For a brief moment, Zac’s eyes met hers in the reflective glass of the cabinet. ‘You know I’ll help if I can,’ he said. ‘If you ever want to talk.’

  A tear slid from Tania’s eye. She brushed it away, clearing her throat. ‘I’ll be fine. Thanks, but I can sort it out myself.’

  He paused for a moment. Please go away, Tania thought silently. You’re just making things worse by being so kind.

  Zac sighed. ‘OK. See you tomorrow.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  She didn’t dare turn until she heard the front doors bang shut, in case he saw her crying.

  Chapter 9

  You are falling for him!

  BROCK WAS AS good as his word, and when Tania arrived at the rink the next morning for their six a.m. practice, there was an envelope addressed to her and Zac waiting at the front desk. Tania had had a stern talk to herself the night before. Stop falling apart, she’d told herself. Things will be fine. You just have to keep working through it. And stop thinking about what Zac said and wishing you’d told him everything. He doesn’t want to skate with a wet blanket. Put your head up and smile cheerfully. So that’s what she’d done. And she was relieved he hadn’t mentioned the day before or asked her how she was feeling.

  ‘Wonder what fiendish idea he’s had?’ said Zac as Tania picked up the envelope.

  She tore it open. ‘Only one way to find out.’ Heads bent over the letter, they read:

  Dear Tania and Zac

  I have been thinking a lot about our particular problems. Tania, you know you tense up whenever you do something remotely dangerous. Zac, you know your skating lacks finesse and elegance. So I have devised two activities for you both to undertake this weekend.

  On Saturday you will both attend a two-hour ballet workshop at the Parchester Apollo with a visiting company. Meet at the stage Door on Broughton Street at 9.30 a.m. After the class I have arranged for you to watch the ballet rehearsal in the afternoon and I hope you will take advantage of this opportunity.

  On Sunday come to the rink at 10 a.m. and you will both be taken by minibus to SkyJumpers, an outdoor pursuits place in Whitstable Wood. SkyJumpers specializes in high-wire activities such as abseiling, climbing and zip-wires. You will be back by 5 p.m.

  These two activity days should give you both a fresh outlook on your skating, and I expect to see you as usual on Monday with new attitudes and new skills to put into practice.

  I have cleared all of this with your parents.

  Best wishes

  Brock

  PS Don’t even think about backing out.

  Zac’s eyes were shining. ‘SkyJumpers, fantastic!’

  Tania felt sick. High-wire activities! Abseiling! The chance to fall and break her neck from a great height, even more dangerous than skating! ‘I can’t,’ she muttered.

  Zac thumped her on the back. ‘Course you can. You’ll be harnessed up and everything, it isn’t like you have to jump without a safety net. I can’t wait! It’s going to be so cool!’

  Tania’s panic made her retort, ‘You’ve got to get through the ballet class first.’

  Zac’s face fell. ‘All that girly stuff,’ he said. ‘Pointing your toes and that.’

  ‘And tights,’ added Tania, secretly pleased to see his discomfort.

  He looked horrified. ‘They won’t!’

  ‘They will,’ said Tania, starting to feel a little better. At least ballet was something she knew well. ‘Tights and leotard.’

  Zac glanced down at himself. ‘I don’t have the body for that kind of gear.’

  Tania bit back a reply, flushed, and turned away to avoid any kind of embarrassment. It had just occurred to her that she wouldn’t mind seeing Zac in leotard and tights at all!

  Libby was depressed. ‘Connor Murphy is going out with Alice Fisher.’

  ‘Oh, Lib.’ Tania put an arm around her friend. ‘Sorry. I know you liked him.’

  ‘Yeah, well,’ said Libby. ‘If he’s too stupid to see what’s right under his nose … and Alice Fisher! She’s just so – obvious.’

  ‘You want to hear something crazy?’ asked Tania.

  ‘What sort of crazy?’

  ‘Zac and I are going to a ballet workshop tomorrow.’

  Libby’s jaw dropped. ‘He’s going to ballet? How did you manage that?’

  ‘I didn’t.’ Tania grinned. ‘Brock did. He says Zac’s skating needs more elegance, so he’s sending him to ballet and I’m going too.’

  ‘Has he ever been to ballet before?’

  ‘Nope.’

  Libby laughed. ‘Sounds like it could be a disaster.’

  ‘I don’t know.’ Tania looked thoughtful. ‘He’s very strong, Lib. Toned, I mean.’

  ‘Toned? As in muscles?’ Libby’s eyes lit up. ‘And how would you know that, Tania Dunn?’

  Tania ignored the flush creeping up her face. ‘Because, you idiot, every time he lifts me, I can feel the muscles.’

  ‘Mmm, muscles …’ Libby wiped imaginary drool from the corner of her mouth. ‘Yummy. Oh my God!’ She grabbed Tania’s arm. ‘Is he going to be in – you know – ballet clothes too? Tights and stuff? Pink shoes?’

  ‘Men wear black shoes, Lib,’ said Tania, amused. ‘But yes, I expect he’ll be in tights and leotard. They’re a professional company; they wouldn’t let him do the class in trackie bottoms.’

  Libby stared at her. ‘And how do you feel about that? Seeing Zac in skimpy clothing?’

  Tania shrugged, trying to pretend the image hadn’t played in her mind all night. ‘Fine. Nothing weird about it.’

  ‘Yeah, right.’ Libby brought her face up to Tania’s. ‘You haven’t stopped thinking about it since you heard, have you?’

  Tania squirmed. ‘All right. I have thought about it a bit.’

  ‘I knew it!’ Libby yelped. ‘You are falling for him! You can’t fool me! Go on, Tan, you can tell me. I’m your best friend. Do you fancy him? Do you? Do yo
u?’

  Tania laughed and fought her off. ‘Leave me alone! You are obsessed!’

  Libby sat back down. ‘Seriously, though, Tania. Are you – you know …?’

  Tania chewed her thumbnail. ‘I don’t know. A bit, I suppose. He is nice. Nicer than I thought. But I don’t know anything about him.’

  ‘You’re spending hours with him!’

  ‘But we don’t talk about ourselves. We’re skating. We talk about edges and sequences and things like that.’

  Libby looked thoughtful. ‘Well, maybe tomorrow you’ll have a bit more time. What about Sunday, are you meeting to practise then?’

  ‘No.’ Tania suddenly shivered. ‘We’re going to SkyJumpers.’

  ‘Sky whattie?’

  ‘SkyJumpers. It’s that place out in Whitstable Wood, you know, with the high wires and rope bridges.’

  Libby stared at her. ‘Why are you going there?’

  ‘It’s this other thing Brock’s organized,’ said Tania. ‘Ballet on Saturday, to improve Zac’s posture. SkyJumpers on Sunday to give me more confidence to do dangerous things.’

  ‘Wow.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘You don’t look too thrilled.’

  ‘I’m not.’ Tania burst out, ‘Oh, Libby, it’s going to be horrendous! I hate all that extreme sports stuff!’

  Libby laughed. ‘You’re a championship skater, Tan. It’s not exactly the tamest thing to do! Why on earth would you be scared of rope bridges and things like that?’

  ‘What if I fall? What if I injure myself and I can’t skate any more?’

  ‘Don’t be daft, there’ll be loads of health-and-safety things like helmets and harnesses. They won’t let you fall.’

  ‘How am I going to be able to face it though?’ Tania looked agonized. ‘How am I even going to be able to walk into the place?’

  Libby patted her on the shoulder. ‘Hold Zac’s hand, of course. And think about his muscles instead.’

  Tania’s expression relaxed under Libby’s eager gaze. Amused, she said, ‘I don’t think that will help.’

  Libby nodded. ‘Oh it will. Trust me.’