A Touch of Light

by Cilika Kunovic

  This was hard for Ivan. He was new in his business and he found he could barely concentrate. The love of his life was on his mind, in his heart, in every step, and in every breath he took. This was new to him. Had he fallen in love with someone who was free to love him back, the situation would have been different. Ivan approached Lucille about it, knowing that she would understand about people’s feelings.

  “I want to talk to you about a problem that I got myself into. Do you mind?”

  “What is it that bothers you so much? I can see it in your eyes. Are you ill?”

  “You could say that.” He took a deep breath. “You know my reputation with women.”

  And before he could continue his story, she half laughed and half worried about what was about to come. Then, when she saw his face change, she stopped and became serious with him.

  He went on, “I have fallen in love with a married woman and I don’t know what to do about it.”

  “Go on; tell me about this married woman.”

  “First of all, I never meant it to happen. I met her while skiing. It was one of those things where you start talking to people and it means nothing, you are simply polite. However, this politeness went further, and, to make a long story short, before I knew it, I was attracted to her beyond belief.”

  “You can do better than that. This is me you are talking to. We tell each other things that are sometimes awkward, but we say them anyway, so try again.”

  “There is nothing more to say.” Ivan was now trying to ease up on details.

  “Fine, if you can’t talk about it, then why bother me with your self-pity? Ivan, I don’t have the time or the patience for half-conversations; I have better things to do. It is either all or nothing. Spit it out!”

  He told her the whole story, and she listened patiently.

  “Ivan, you deserve better. I only wish that you had fallen in love with the right girl. In this case, you know what you must do. You are an intelligent person and you have always been strong for us, so this time, try to be strong for you and Pavla. Someday she will thank you for it. Trust me!”

  They met up in the mountains where they first saw each other. It seemed odd that he had a bad feeling regarding what he was about to say to her and he felt guilty about doing so. Pavla, however, had her own reasons for feeling guilty and was scared about the outcome of this meeting. But as soon as they saw each other, the whole world turned upside down. In each other’s arms, the world was but one. There was no return as far as Ivan was concerned. The passion prevailed and the emotions that overcame Ivan, once they were together and their bodies joined, made the world spin around once again. To be so lucky, to have found this love and at the same time, how could it hurt so much? This was much deeper than any physical attraction, and neither had ever known such true happiness before. To have something so special and then to have to give it up just didn’t seem fair. Ivan didn’t care if the world ended that weekend. To love and be so loved meant they were lucky, and he told her so.

  Then, when Pavla did not respond to his words, he teased her about not sharing his feelings or wishes. Something was wrong.

  She said, “I have to talk to you about something extremely important. Please, Ivan, listen to me patiently for once without interrupting. You are entitled to say anything you want after I finish, but hear me out, please. The last thing I want is to make you unhappy. I am expecting your child — our child. I am pregnant. This scares me no end. I am happy to be expecting your child, but where do we go from here?”

  At first, Ivan was speechless. Then he was happy, but the next thing that came to his mind was: She will never leave her husband. What next? What have we done?

  “Say something — please. Say whatever you feel right now no matter what. I can’t stand looking at you, hurting the way you seem to be hurting. I have no regrets, if that helps any.”

  He could see it in her eyes that she would never give up the baby but how is that fair to him or her husband? They have been trying to have children, but that doesn’t mean everything would be all right to have children this way.

  “Do I have a say in it, or am I the villain as well as the victim in this case?”

  “I want to have this baby more than anything in this world. I want to have your baby.”

  “I know that you will never leave Harry, but he may leave you after he finds out about the baby.”

  “Harry doesn’t have to know it is yours. It would hurt him too much. He will think the baby is his and he will be more than happy. He can’t afford any scandals, you know that.”

  “It is obvious that I am the only one who will be deprived of the magic of birth and, further, the magic of holding my own baby at birth. I have no regrets as far as our love is concerned. I just wish that the ending had been better. But I understand.” His heart was exploding. The pain was enormous.

  Ivan offered to support his child, but Harry and Pavla were wealthy, and no support was needed. Besides, that would have blown the secret. It was destiny. They both knew that there was a price to pay for such wrongdoing as having an extramarital affair.

  There would be no further contact until the baby was born. She promised to let him know of the outcome. Pavla felt sorry for Ivan, as she knew that she would always have a part of him with her, but he was not so fortunate as to have the same.

  Back home, Lucille was having some real anxiety attacks. She could not and would not tell their mother what was happening, for she had promised Ivan that his secret was safe with her.

  “Mama, can I go and visit Ivan and take some fruit as well as some vegetables from the garden to surprise him with? He will be so happy.” This was nothing unusual for them to do. The suspense was killing her. Why didn’t Ivan come and inform her how the meeting with Pavla went?

  What is wrong with my brother? He has the nerve to involve me in the mess that he got himself into and now he doesn’t have the decency to let me know how it went so I can relax, she was saying to herself while driving to his house. But when she got there, he was not at home, nor was he at the shop. She stopped by the shop in case he was there. What she didn’t know was that Ivan had not returned home from his trip, so he had not had the opportunity to tell her anything.

  Ivan was still with Pavla. She had changed his life even before he found out that he had fathered her child. Words could not describe how hurt he felt every time he tried to think of how he will never be able to hold his child at birth. It was hard to say if Pavla or Ivan suffered more during the time of waiting. However, Pavla had her baby growing inside her, and Ivan was robbed of all the intimacy of that kind of experience. Whatever happened to that once free-spirited young man who had it all?

  Lucille used her key to get in and left the goods she had brought for Ivan in the house. After coming home, she tried to avoid Mother and Mira so she wouldn’t have to lie about Ivan. Days passed, and finally Ivan showed up at the house looking like someone had tried to kill him and gotten away. Anna was shocked and worried.

  “Don’t be silly, Mama. Ivan is a bachelor, so who knows where he spent the weekend? Right, Ivan?”

  “But you were there at his place on the weekend. You never said anything about Ivan not being there. You came home late, so where were you all that time?”

  “I took a nap while I waited for him, and when he didn’t show up, I came home. It’s all right.”

  But Ivan was in a hurry to get out of there before Mother asked any more questions.

  “Before you leave, can you give me a hand with the ladder in the shed?” Lucille asked.

  “Yes, of course. Let me help you.”

  They went into the tool shed, and Lucille promptly slapped her brother over the head for being an ignorant so and so. Ivan knew what she meant and said, “Before you give me a concussion, I have something to tell you.”

  “No, you don’t. You are starting to say one thing and
doing another. Grow up, my dear brother.”

  “Lucille, I am going to be a father. Pavla is expecting, and I was not aware of it until I got there. She is expecting my child! I feel like I have been run over by a truck. I am sorry for not coming home when you expected me to come. Things got a bit out of control once I found out what was going on with Pavla.” So he told her the whole story, and Lucille couldn’t decide whether to slap him again for being so stupid as to have become a victim of such horrible circumstances. For an extremely clever person, he had acted very foolishly up on those mountains, and he knew it.

  “How can you drag everyone into this circus?” But then she hugged him and cried with him for quite some time. Both of her brothers were a disappointment to her, yet she loved them unconditionally. Only Mira never let her down. She was her rock. Mira knew that Joe was Lucille’s favourite sibling but she knew that he was also her biggest disappointment.

  The big blow was yet to come. Mother, as well as Mira, had to be told. Ivan took full responsibility for presenting the news to them. Needless to say, Lucille also was in big trouble for not telling them earlier.

  All those months of waiting were hard on them all, and the fact that Joe hardly ever wrote didn’t help. They sensed that he was digging himself deeper and deeper into destruction and was not even considering returning while there was still a chance to recover. He truly was his father’s son. Luckily, Mira and Mat’s relationship grew and that helped the family surmount those difficult times. The two of them were lovers as well as friends.

  Anna was slowing down visibly and to no one’s surprise. A mother wonders where she went wrong, when her children don’t turn out as she wished. She knew that she and her husband had tried to help them to succeed, but sometimes that is not enough.

  The family awaited the news of the baby through the months of a beautiful summer with wonderful weather. Daffodils showed up as bright as ever, and the rest of the crops followed, whether flowers or vegetables. Nature remained faithful to all. If only their lives were as bright and promising. Why must there be so many obstacles in people’s lives?

  The mild-mannered Anna had less patience than ever with all of them. She felt betrayed by all three men in her life, especially by Joe Jr. By trying to enjoy what time she had left before joining her husband, she had hoped to achieve some bonds between her children, but that was not to be, since Joe refused to communicate with them. How does one achieve some peace?

  The next time Ivan heard from Pavla it was the news that she had given birth to a baby girl. Pavla had named her Ivana. Her husband was overjoyed and had no preferences as to what they should call her. The Kramers were happy that the baby was healthy and doing very well but sad for Ivan, as he had no say in anything. It was fate, and Ivan knew it. He was aware that he was on the losing end, but he had no regrets. As for this baby, conceived in love: someday, perhaps, he would have a relationship with her.

  It was unfortunate that he could not marry Pavla. One can only cling to such memories for good reasons. Love can make you rich, or it can destroy you, but no one has ever been able to guarantee that love wouldn’t hurt.

  After a while, life settled into a routine. Ivan’s business was very prosperous and kept him preoccupied. He continued skiing and, in the summer, he renewed his passion for climbing. The family encouraged him to get on with his life. His political involvement kept him occupied and that also helped. Time heals, and for someone who at one time had brought everybody to tears with his laughter, he of all people should have been able to convince himself to go on. He tried really hard and in fact managed to overcome the worst. Ivan was not Joe. Ivan had a gift for life.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Lucille

  LUCILLE, BEING THE YOUNGEST OF THE KRAMER CHILDREN, was only twelve years old when her father died. Things were bad enough when her brother Joe left for America the first time, but at least she still had her parents. Now that Joe had left for the second time, and her father passed away later that year, she felt extremely lonely. She tried to talk about it with Mira, but that was not easy.

  “Mira, I just know that Joe is never coming back. We have lost him forever. I know and understand how you all feel and why you think he did it, but there is more to this than he ever told anyone.”

  “You can’t possibly know, and I agree with you that he is not coming back.” But Mira was unable to discuss it any further. First of all, she was aware of how Lucille felt about her hero — who, by the way, didn’t deserve that kind of respect. Joe was selfish from the day he was born and remained so.

  Lucille said, “You all think of him as a deserter or something like that, but Joe had other reasons on his mind. I know that I am young but I am not stupid. You are always trying not to hurt anybody’s feelings and you are afraid to say anything to hurt Mama and Father, but that eats at you. I will be of more help to you as I grow older — that is, if I live that long. Sometimes I just want to lie down and go to sleep forever.”

  Ivan still avoided coming home for obvious reasons. He had his hands full with his own problems but he seldom complained and quietly dealt with them. With his life still on hold, he would have liked to talk about it to someone further about his situation, but was afraid to add to his mother’s sorrow. As for Lucille, he trusted her completely, and the older she got, the more he confided in her.

  “I have to admit, I feel very guilty for having involved you in my problems when I should have been protecting you as my little sister instead.” Ivan was apologizing to her. But Lucille felt just the opposite. She was proud of having his trust. This brought them even closer together. Sometimes, Mira envied her for that trust, and therefore, Lucille tried even harder not to betray him. But as the years went by, Mother Kramer got weaker, and Ivan often wondered if he was in any way responsible for that. Things like that were happening to other families as well, but when it hits the home front, you tend to feel different about it. As for the gossip, Ivan lived far enough away and was therefore spared.

  Lucille was an average student throughout her school years. She found school to be a pleasant distraction from her home life and the sadness that had surrounded her for so long. She was used to being on her own and in fact enjoyed her own company. Lucille liked any and all animals, which is why she loved Molly and Pepper so much. They were her best friends.

  There was an animal shelter within walking distance from home. Close to the shelter was a pond surrounded by trees, where ice usually formed in the winter. Many children went there to skate after school, before going home. It was assumed that their parents didn’t know where they were, but in reality, they were so loud that everyone anywhere nearby could hear them and knew where they were. This was a good form of relaxation after school. This especially applied to the children from Gradsko Selo. (“Castle Village”: The village was named after a castle overlooking the village.)

  Lucille was born in Lipa, which was located between Gomilka and Gradsko Selo. The children from Gradsko Selo had to go through Lipa in order to get to Gomilka for school. Often enough, instead of using the main road, they took the shortcut to school by passing Lucille’s house and walking down the path toward the pond and the animal shelter, which was later called The Animal Clinic.

  “Mama, may I go to the pond to skate?” Or, sometimes, “May I go to see the animals at the clinic?”

  “You may go to the clinic for a short time and then come home — we need you here,” Anna would say.

  “Mother, we can manage,” Mira often added, and sometimes it worked; other times it didn’t. Sometimes Lucille just went and told them later that she had stopped at the clinic, when she was really at the pond. Mother and Mira often knew this and did not give her too much trouble over it. They knew that the child was lonely.

  The clinic was at first just a farm; Stefan (Steve) Dolanc, the owner, was a veterinarian who had grown up locally and decided to stay and open a clinic. His plan was
to farm as well as to serve the locals, but he soon found himself needing help. There was a big demand for his work, and he became an instant success.

  He married a girl, Ljuba, from another town. The two of them settled on the farm, where they could raise their children in a perfect environment.

  The clinic was surrounded by large trees, and a long driveway gave the impression of a tunnel with trees joining at the top. The house was settled farther in for privacy. However, the driveway was never really private, since there was much traffic on it from their patrons.

  Ljuba acquired a knack for healing animals as well as people. Before long, they had two boys named Stefan and Jason, as well as a little girl named Annie. Jason was the same age as Lucille, and, being neighbours, they knew each other well. They were a part of the group who went to the skating rink; for them, it was not far to go.

  Lucille started going to the clinic more and more.

  “I don’t mind your going there, as long as you are not in the way,” Mother said.

  Ljuba said to Lucille’s mother: “I assure you, Mother Kramer, Lucille is such a good helper at the clinic that we would be very happy if she would consider working for us during the school holidays next year. Would you be all right with that? We will pay her for her work if she is interested. She has a knack for animals, and they in turn respond to her favourably. She will be assisting Steve by holding the animals for him during the treatment.” Ljuba was almost pleading with Anna.

  Lucille was elated. “Mira! Mira, where are you? I am going to be working at the clinic next summer full time. I can’t wait! When is Ivan coming home so I can tell him about it?”