“Calm down, Lucille. Summer is a long way away, and things can change around here, you know.”
Lucille felt quite grown-up and proud that she was so welcome at the Dolancs’. She kept thanking Mother for allowing her to work there. She felt much brighter day in and day out. There was something to look forward to.
“My little sister is growing up,” Mira was saying. She was happy for Lucille and at the same time happy for the fact that Lucille would not need her much longer.
“Does this mean that I can get married — since you are becoming a working young lady?”
“Let’s not get carried away just now,” Mother said from her bedroom. “She is still a schoolgirl.”
“Not for much longer. Just you wait till Ivan comes home and finds out that his secret sharing companion is becoming very important; he will then unload even more on her.” Mira had always protected her sister and was defending her. She felt that their brothers unloaded way too much of their problems on the women in this family. She was right.
In the meantime, Lucille still worked at the clinic part time after school and on the weekends. She couldn’t tear herself away from those animals and the Dolancs. She called them her extended family. There was laughter in the house, as well as in the clinic. She also had a mild crush on young Stefan and dreamed that perhaps she could someday become a veterinarian herself.
Ljuba started giving her more and more work once the school holidays started, and Lucille was earning more and more money, which made her feel proud of herself. Anna and Mira also appreciated the extra money coming in as an addition to the pension, along with the money that came from sewing, eggs and vegetables, etc.
However, Lucille had become very listless, and there were times when she had problems breathing. At first she figured that she was overdoing things because of all the excitement that she felt lately; but then a very persistent cough followed. With her mother not being well, she did not complain about it and hoped that it would go away.
“My dear child, you look like you are about to pass out. Lie down and I will take over for you.”
“No, Ljuba, I am fine. There is no way that I will pass up this job for something that will go away. Please don’t tell my mama and Mira about this. I can’t impose my problems on Mama. She is not doing well.” Lucille remembered how Joe used to tell her not to tell Mama about their father’s raging against him. Only she and Joe knew everything. It was their secret.
Anna Kramer had an unusual health problem. Besides the stress that she had endured during the family crises, she started noticing some minor lumps appearing on her limbs, and some on her body. At first, she pretended that it was nothing, but the lumps persisted and did not go away as she had hoped — and some looked suspicious. At her age, it was not unusual to have some minor growths, but the lumps, by now, were alarming to all of them. She had to see a doctor. After a series of tests, Anna was told she had cancer. This was bad news, not only for her, but for the family as well.
Mira, as usual, was preoccupied. This was typical of her whenever she was frightened; this was how she dealt with things. Lucille sensed that her situation was now going from bad to worse, but with the news of Mother’s cancer, Mira and Mother never even noticed how frail Lucille was becoming.
“Now, listen to me, Lucille. You likely don’t eat properly at home. You must look after yourself if you plan on staying here and working. You are lacking energy, so we have to do something about that.” Ljuba was aware of Anna’s illness, for Lucille couldn’t keep it from her. She often confided in Ljuba about being afraid of losing her mother.
“But I am fine, really! I think I just got a bit excited; this should go away.”
“When is Doctor Lang coming to see your mother next?”
“Ljuba, you must not interfere in my mama’s problems; I beg you.”
“I have no intention of doing anything like that. I only want to speak with him about something that has been bothering me for some time.” There was no use talking to Anna about Lucille’s state of health, or, for that matter, the lack of it. Ljuba knew that Anna was in complete denial over her daughter’s condition. So, Ljuba went to the house at the same time as Dr. Lang, as if she wanted to see him for herself. But Dr. Lang always checked on other members of the household as a habit, so he had noticed that Lucille looked pale and faint. He took charge before Ljuba had a chance to say anything.
“Lucille, you seem to need me as well. What is going on here?” Lucille was shocked and backed off.
“Now, there is no need to be shy. You have known me for a long time, so what is bothering you?”
“I am fine, Dr. Lang!” But as she got a bit excited, she started coughing.
The examination revealed that Lucille was suffering from some sort of lung disorder. The doctor was reluctant to give this family further bad news, feeling that they could take only so much at the time. Where does it end for this family? The lumps that Anna had were definitely cancerous; however, considering her age, the doctor was reluctant to proceed with any drastic treatments. After assessing the situation, he decided to keep Anna as comfortable as possible, and he prescribed medication for Lucille instead.
Anna enjoyed sitting outside at the back of the house and watching the wildlife around her. Now that Molly was long gone, Pepper would sit by her side and not move until she suggested that it was time to go inside and get some food. That always got him going. But he, too, was getting very old by now, and were it not for keeping an eye on Anna, he would have been long gone.
Speaking of denial, with all her kindness — and there was plenty of it — Anna still didn’t do anything about Lucille’s health. It appeared that her mind was slipping away — she was not fully aware of Lucille’s condition and tended to drift into the past. It seemed that Mother had entered a world of her own. Out of respect, Mira dared not say anything.
Anna chose to think of things like: How Joe Sr. retaliated at the time when young Joe left. How sad it was that things had turned out that way.
Mira was getting more and more pressure from Mat; not that he didn’t understand her preoccupation with events at home, but his parents were pressing him to marry. “Mother, I have told you about Anna’s and Lucille’s health problems, and now there is an additional scare about Lucille, who is having lung problems. I know that we need Mira, but her family needs her right now even more. Furthermore, I don’t want Mira to think that I am marrying her simply because we need her. That would be an insult to her, and you know it. I love Mira, and we will get married when all this is over. So please understand.”
Ljuba recalled later, “Certainly Lucille could not possibly look after herself and her mother as well. She was in worse shape than Mother and Mira together, and no matter how you looked at it, things were hopeless.” So she took matters into her own hands.
“I have prepared this for you, Lucille, and I want you to drink it twice a day. It tastes quite good but most of all, it will give you energy, which you need. So do me a favour and do as you’re told.”
“Yes, ‘Mother!’ ” Lucille answered, with a generous smile. She also took her prescription medication daily. At times, while she was there at work, she had to lie down, on Ljuba’s orders, and the way she felt, there were no objections from her.
The trees around the clinic provided a nice, healthy shade, and the creek that ran beside the house gave Lucille a lot of comfort and helped her relax. This happened to be the same creek that ran beside her home. Just watching the water flowing along, one could think or dream of good times; but somehow the good times were eluding her.
As if things couldn’t get worse, Pepper first went blind and, shortly after that, he died.
Mother Kramer acquired a large lump on her head, and this one was applying pressure to the brain.
“Mother is slowly losing her self-awareness. She is hallucinating a lot. She is arguing with Joe but I can’
t tell if it is with Father or Joe,” Mira said to Ivan, who had come to see them.
“Does she recognize you?”
“Yes, so far she is with us but she tends to burst into sweats and is unable to unscramble things during these spells. Then, after each of these outbursts she is completely exhausted and unable to figure out why she feels that way. Go in and see her — she will likely recognize you.” Mira encouraged Ivan to try and give Mother his usual uplift.
“Hello, Mama! How are you doing today? I thought I would come and see if you are behaving.” But Mother was having one of her spells and when she saw Ivan, she mistook him for Joe. She stared at him and, without a word, she cried.
Other times, she recognized Ivan as himself, and those times were happy for Ivan.
It also appeared that during those spells, although she somehow became aware of Lucille’s poor health, she was able to deny it. But then, this was the woman who was well known for her denials.
Some paralysis now started to slowly set in. Her right arm stopped co-operating, and the right side of her face changed shape. While her speech, somewhat slurred, was not too bad — just a bit incoherent — but became very frustrating to her. She loved soft music, and while Pepper was still alive, half-blind and unstable, he had developed a certain bark. The girls could tell from this the difference between Mother’s hallucinating and wanting something. Then there was a bark of approval and/or friendship. The girls were able to leave Mother in Pepper’s care quite safely for short periods of time. That Pepper was an amazing creature.
The girls resisted telling Mother about his passing. However, they likely didn’t fool her. Anna never asked about him, once he stopped lying beside her bed. Some things in life we simply know and we need not be told about. She just kept losing her loved ones. The fact that she couldn’t face yet another loss when it came to young Lucille was probably the reason why she kept postponing dealing with Lucille’s illness. She was much too smart not to know what was going on. She was simply not ready to deal with more tragedy. After all, it would have been her youngest child that she was losing.
By now, Lucille was out of school completely and trying hard to regain her health so that she could help Mira as well as work at the clinic.
Ljuba told her husband, Steve, “I am hopeful about Lucille. She seems to be reaching a turning point in her life, as well as in her health.” She knew that he was worried about her as well.
Steve asked Lucille, “How is your mama these days? Is she comfortable? Tell her that we wish her all the best.”
“She is not doing very well and she is trying to reach Joe unsuccessfully. But thank you for asking, Steve. I know that the clinic is very busy, and I have not been too much help lately.”
“Just seeing you getting better is enough for all of us in this family. Stefan, Jason, and Annie are also hoping for the best for you, but they are afraid to ask you questions.”
“I only wish that we could get in contact with Joe in America to tell him about Mama’s state. He never seems to stay in any place for very long. We are afraid to talk about him in front of Mama.”
Lucille and Mira were struggling to keep their mother comfortable, and while Ivan was supportive, he was basically detached as far as physical help was concerned. Ivan came home more or less to bring his own problems, but his words of encouragement were helpful, and his generous financial assistance was greatly appreciated. He also noticed that Lucille was looking better, as she had started putting on some weight.
“Tell me something, Lucille: I am aware that you have lost a lot of weight in the last two years and I was sometimes blaming myself for possibly being partially to blame for it; but now, when things could not be worse, you have managed to pick up the pieces. Don’t take me wrong, but what is going on here?” Ivan was bewildered.
“Ivan, I am glad you are here, but you ask too many questions. I am not the one you should be worried about just now.” Lucille gave him a big hug.
He had been oblivious of her need for help when she needed it the most. Everyone had been under the impression that Lucille worked too hard, and consequently, her health had suffered.
“There was a time when they almost convinced even me, but I knew better,” Ljuba commented. Her homemade medication had worked for Lucille, as it had worked for some others as well, for Ljuba sensed that Lucille was suffering from TB. Call it a woman’s intuition.
Christmas was approaching; the snow had fallen, and this can spell magic as far as the scenery goes. On snowy mornings, it takes your breath away. You can look out the window and lose yourself totally in the mystery of such beauty. The trees are plentiful, the hills are close, and churches can be seen nearby on the hills. You become oblivious of everything else. But there was very little to celebrate this winter, other than Christmas itself.
“Lucille, you must think positive. Mother is ready to join Father and, in her mind, she wants to deal with Joe with Father’s help. She has suffered enough, don’t you think?”
“I know, Mira. I am aware that the lump on Mother’s head is giving her too much pain to want to live. I don’t think that she will last until Christmas.” Regrettably, even the doctor was unable to do anything more for her and it was almost unbearable to watch. The girls became even closer.
“When is Ivan coming home? Did he say — when he was here last week?” Mira asked.
“No, I don’t remember anything about his coming and when,” and just as Lucille spoke her words, Ivan showed up at the door.
“What? Am I interrupting something?” Ivan was wondering, as both of his sisters laughed at the same time. “What is funny here all of a sudden? Fill me in, will you?”
“There is nothing funny going on, so relax.” Lucille changed the smile to a more sombre face. “We were just talking about Mother, and Mira asked me when you were coming home, and at that moment you walked in.”
“Let’s just say that I was hoping for something funny instead of the same tragic situation.”
Once more, they sent a message to Joe, but received no answer. No one knew how much he had wanted to be a better son, especially to his mother. But his circumstances were very difficult indeed.
Lucille had a very special place in her house from where she could see the mountains. At this particular time of the year, when the sun shone on the peaks of those mountains, she would get very sentimental about them. Ivan was known to ski on one of them quite often. Lucille, feeling ill and depressed, tried to concentrate on the beauty of it all. No matter how hard she tried not to think about Mother’s condition and Joe’s absence, it never occurred to her that maybe those two should have been thinking about her condition. She knew that she had a good mother who loved her, only she had a very sick and dying one.
She found herself talking to Joe. “I know that it would almost take a miracle for you to come home, but please come and say goodbye to your mother who loves you beyond belief! How could you not come to ease her sorrow and help her die by being here for her just this one time?”
Lucille was too weak herself to save them all from the sadness that held them back from living a better life. Her whole life flashed before her eyes — how she had always worried about the whole family and tried to help them get along. All those times when she entertained her father and her brother at the shop, she was fully aware that she was driving them crazy but she managed to distract them from killing each other. She wore herself out, staying there and acting silly. These memories now seemed childish, but at the time it was very important to her. She thought of herself as a hero!
Mira was now more than ever aware that she had missed out on something very sad and awful regarding Lucille’s frail health, and the thought made her sick. But as always, Mira could not talk about it now or ever.
Lucille said, “Mira, you need not worry about me. I can see it in your eyes that you are suffering. Believe me, I am fine and getting better ever
y day. There will be lots of time for us to talk about things later.”
“Yes, and I suggest you two go get some food into your stomach before you faint.” Ljuba had come up to tell them off for not looking after themselves. “There will be times when you will both realize that your mother deserved some peace after all those years of exhaustion. Just remember my words!”
The winter continued with full force. A lot of snow had fallen. It looked pretty, but at the same time, the girls were sad, as they sensed closure: it was just a matter of time, as Mother slept most of the time.
“Remember, Mama, how we used to talk about Ivan being up there on those mountains and how you always supported his dreams even when Father felt that skiing was a waste of time?” Lucille was helping her mother to recall some happy moments, not knowing if she even heard her. “You always knew what we wanted even when we didn’t ask for anything. We had some good times.”
The mountains had power and tranquillity for some; and yet, for others, it was the valley that fascinated them. It was beautiful all year round. When you touched those tree branches and watched them sway back and forth, you could almost hear them whisper. You wondered if they were keeping secrets. During the day, the sun shone on them, and it would cheer you up, but when the dusk hit, those same branches would tell you yet another story — as if to say, we will protect you.
“Father used to say: Those who leave the valley are the ones at a loss and he meant it from the bottom of his heart. Do you remember that, Mama?” Lucille said gently, not knowing if Mother was awake or asleep.
There was no denying that Ljuba was the saviour of this family. She had saved Lucille’s life and the lives of some others as well. Ljuba also often wished that her son Stefan would marry this precious girl, whom she loved so dearly.
“Mother, I wish that Stefan would marry Lucille, and that way, I would have a sister,” Annie used to say, to which her mother would reply, “So do I. We all love her, but you don’t have to worry, she will still work here, and we will see her every day now that she is better and she can work again.”
A Touch of Light Page 7