Shadow Hawk

by Jeanie P Johnson

  I vaguely became aware that I was laying on the buffalo robes in our teepee. I felt a stabbing pain in my stomach, and thought Shy Dove was still driving the knife into me.

  “No!” I mumbled as I raised m hands to try to stop her.

  Instead, my hands were grasped by Shadow Hawk.

  “I am here,” he murmured.

  In the background, I could hear soft chanting and the sound of a rattle being shaken. I slowly opened my eyes to see the face of Shadow Hawk, hovering over me. His eyes looked stark, and the color had drained from his face. I could see trails of tears on his cheeks. He began to kiss my finger tips.

  “Whacondakah has given you back to me once again,” he whispered. “Please don’t leave me, Pay-dah Ee-shda. You are my heart. You are my life!”

  I felt a tear drop upon my cheek, and his lips lowered and kissed me gently on my lips.

  “Get strong again,” he begged. “Get strong, so we can be together.”

  My hand went to my stomach, where the pain was so strong, I could barely stand it.

  “Our baby.” My lips moved, but I couldn’t hear the sound coming from my mouth, since I could barely breath.

  “Wahcondakah has taken it,” Shadow Hawk, sobbed, and another tear fell against my cheek. “He may never give us another.”

  “No!” The cry sounded inhuman to me as it escaped my throat. “No, no, no!” I continued to cry.

  “But you are alive, my love. You must get strong again,” he begged.

  The medicine man came closer singing his chant, and blowing against a smoldering twig in his hand that caused eerie smoke to surround us. It smelt pungent. He waved a feather over the smoke, spreading it around the teepee. Then he knelt and insisted I drink an herb drink of some sort, and it seemed to sooth me. As my eyelids became too heavy to remain open, I noticed him leaving the teepee.

  Shadow Hawk still clutched one of my hands, squeezing it firmly, as he sat beside me on the buffalo robes.

  “Shy Dove has been banished. She shall never harm you again,” he told me.

  The days passed, one by one, but I couldn’t count them because half of the time I was floating away, over my body, looking down on everything, and the other half of the time, I was in a dark abyss where I couldn’t feel anything but the stabbing pain in my stomach.

  Shadow Hawk, remained beside me, forcing me to drink things I didn’t want to drink, and cleaning me up, because I couldn’t be moved to relieve myself. I felt humiliated, but I was in so much pain, I couldn’t focus on it. All I wanted to do was go to that bright-light, and get rid of the pain.

  When I floated overhead, I thought I could fly to that bright-light, but every time the thought came into my head, I found myself crashing back down into myself again, experiencing the pain I was trying to avoid.

  Eventually, the pain started to dull, and later, it presented itself like a subtle reminder that I had lost our child, and could not conceive another one. Then my heart began to ache more than my stomach ever had. What good would I be to Shadow Hawk as his wife now, I asked myself. Shy Dove was right. I was not worthy enough to become Shadow Hawk’s wife. If not before, certainly now!

  When ever I looked upon Shadow Hawk’s face, as he tenderly gazed down on me, all I could see was Shy Dove’s face saying ‘you are not worthy to be Shadow Hawk’s wife!’.

  Shadow Hawk attended to my every need, and when he was not there, other Indian women came in to watch over me. I had learned that Hudson and Little Flower had already left the village to go to Missouri to sell their pelts, so I had no familiar faces around me, except for Shadow Hawk.

  Eventually, I got stronger, and was able to sit up, and little by little, I managed to take steps, leaning on Shadow Hawk’s strong arm. Slowly, I recovered, but there was an empty place left in my heart, that I did not believe could ever be filled again, knowing I could never give Shadow Hawk any children, so all I was really useful for was being there for his pleasure. No more than a slave could offer, I thought.

  Only, I couldn’t be there for Shadow Hawk’s pleasure either, because my wounds would take time to heal, not only from the outside, but from the inside. However, I knew the wound in my heart would never heal.

  There was no more talk about becoming Shadow Hawk’s wife, or having a ceremony to tie us together. At first, I thought it was because Shadow Hawk wanted to wait until I was fully recovered, so I didn’t mentioned it either.

  He held me and kissed me at night, and as I grew stronger, we began to share our daily baths, only I noticed that Shadow Hawk would never actually look at my stomach where the stab wounds showed white against my pink skin. In fact, when he bathed me, his hands seemed to avoid smoothing over my stomach. At night, when he caressed me, he merely caressed my back, and sometimes my breasts, but it seemed like the fire had gone out of our need to touch and taste each other.

  I excused it as waiting until I was stronger, and capable of participating eagerly in the exchange, so I decided to wait until Shadow Hawk encouraged me to accept more than casual caressing.

  Two months, after my ordeal, Shadow Hawk informed me he would be going, with several other braves, to locate the Buffalo herd again for the fall-hunt.

  “I have a gift for you before I go,” he told me.

  He led me outside of the teepee, and there, standing before the door was the most beautiful white horse I had ever seen.

  “She will carry you safely and swiftly,” he murmured.

  “Thank you, Shadow Hawk,” I breathed, wrapping my arms around his neck. “When will you have to be leaving?”

  “In the morning,” he told me.

  “Then come into the teepee, so we can share each other to last us while you are away.”

  He shook his head. “I have preparations to attend to. I must save my strength for the long journey to find the buffalo. They have gone further a-field. We may have to move the camp to reach them.”

  He kissed me on the cheek and handed me the reins of the horse, then turned away. I stood gazing after him, tears brimming my eyes.

  In the last month, since I had healed completely, he had not made any attempt to pull me into that dance of love. I thought maybe he was afraid I wasn’t healthy enough for that yet. Only now, when I offered myself to him, he had turned away.

  I looked at the beautiful horse, thinking he was giving it to me to replace his nearness. It was like a consolation prize. Something to distract me from expecting anything more from him than the tender love he still appeared to feel for me. With bitterness, I had to accept the sad reality; the passion we once shared, had been killed by Shy Dove. She had finally gotten her way, and had taken Shadow Hawk from me, regardless of whether we were together.

  I suddenly leapt upon the pony’s back, and kicked it’s flanks, tearing off over the meadow, away from the village. I could keep riding and never turn back, I thought, but I had no place to go. I had no supplies. Even Wahcondakah did not want me to escape, because He kept bringing me back to Shadow Hawk, in spite of myself. Shadow Hawk had Wahcondkah’s ear to fulfill his wishes. I had no one!

  I ran the horse over the rising and falling ground, as sod flew up behind me, and sweat from the horse saturated my legs. Finally, when the horse tired, I slipped down from its back and fell upon the ground, crying. I decided to name the horse Little Pride, Chee-dahn-lah Ah-hoh-ee-chee pay. That was all the amount of pride Shadow Hawk had for me any longer, I told myself.

  When I returned to the village, I did not go to Shadow Hawk’s teepee. Instead, I went to Hudson’s teepee, since he said I could use it while he was away. Why should I remain with Shadow Hawk? He had no intentions of marrying me now that I could not bare him children.

  He didn’t even want to use me as a man would use his woman slave. I must not worthy enough in his eyes for that, now that I had been disfigured and broken. He had merely felt loyalty towards me. After all, hadn’t he saved my life and was now responsible for me? If he didn’t fulfill his responsibility, he would lose face. It wa
s all about appearing honorable, I thought. Where was the honor in keeping a woman for appearance sake only?

  I curled up in Hudson’s buffalo furs, and tried to bock everything out. The dress that had gotten wet when I was adopted, still hung on a hook on one of the teepee poles, looking forlorn, the same way that I felt. If those Indians hadn’t found me, I would be in Missouri by now, enjoying life at my aunt’s house, I thought longingly. But I knew that could never replace that one wonderful night and morning I had experienced with Shadow Hawk making love to me.

  The flap of the teepee opened, and Shadow Hawk stood over me.

  “Why are you here?” he asked, gruffly. “Why have you left our teepee?”

  “I am no use to you, Shadow Hawk. I can see you no longer desire me, or want to touch me the way you once did. I can never give you children. Why should I stay with you? I know you will never marry me now. I can see it in your eyes, every time you look at me.”

  Shadow Hawk stood there, looking down on me. I could see the pain in his expression. I knew I had hit upon the truth, and the truth hurt.

  “I saved your life, so I am responsible for you. If you need anything, come to me,” he said.

  His words pierced me, even though I had known the truth all along. He only felt responsible for me. No more ‘I am the one who very much loves you,’ I thought as my heart started to shrivel inside.

  “When I return, the village will have to make preparations to move. That means taking down the teepees. I will assign someone to help you. There are many braves that can assist you.”

  I wanted to say, I don’t need many braves to assist me. I wanted to say, I only need you to assist me. But the words stuck in my throat, and I merely turned my head away, and Shadow Hawk left the teepee. I had been right. I was no longer any use to Shadow Hawk, and he would soon be looking for a real wife to bring to his teepee. Once more Shy Dove had gotten what she wanted, I thought sardonically.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Shadow Hawk had remained to watch the herds, while he sent someone back to the village to direct them to where the best place, nearest the herd, would be used to camp at. Everyone was busy loading up their belongings, and dismantling their teepees. I could see that it was the women who took the teepees down, so I decided it could not be that hard. I stood and watched as they, lowered the sides of the teepee, where the hides had been rolled up to let the breeze flow through when the weather turned warm like it was. Then somehow, they pulled the hide away from the poles. After they had toppled the poles and separated them, they used the poles to make travois’ for their horses, and loaded all their belongings on top.

  I followed the lead of the other women working at moving the camp, and did not ask for any help. After all, I had helped on the Oregon trail dismantling wagons, and raising them to cross rivers. This was not much different, I told myself. While I wrestled with the hides on Hudson’s teepee, a young brave came up to me. He was either my age, or a little older, but he gave me a big smile.

  “Shadow Hawk told me to help you in any way I can,” he said.

  Then he began helping me pull the hides away, and showed me the method in allowing the poles to fall.

  “I am called Running Wolf,” he told me. “Shadow Hawk wishes me to instruct you about the hunt.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “I am too young without experience to hunt the buffalo. But the women and young braves, like myself, must help skin the buffalo and cut the meat up in chunks, to take back to the camp to be dried. Shadow Hawk tells me you have been with the tribe long enough to assist in this. You are now a member of the tribe, and all members do their share.”

  “I did my share last time, cutting the strips for the racks,” I pointed out.

  “That is for the old women, old men, and children to do. Strong members like us are expected to do more.”

  I thought it strange that Shadow Hawk had not thought me strong enough to make love to me, after I had healed, but felt I was strong enough to skin the buffalo. Now, I knew he had used my condition as an excuse not to touch me any longer. In his eyes I was no longer a complete woman, now that my ability to bring children into the world had been compromised.

  “I will do my share, Running Wolf,” I told him stiffly.

  He helped me make the travois, and put it on a saddle that he placed on Little Pride’s back. Then he mounted a black horse beside me, and stayed abreast with me.

  The whole tribe seemed to be in jubilation as they sang and pounded on drums they carried. Some members blew on flutes, and danced as they traveled. It seemed they were all happy to move on and leave their old camp behind in anticipation of going to a new one.

  Young children rode on travois’, some under round cages, to keep them from falling off. Older children rode their own ponies, the littler ones, who were not experienced enough to stay in the saddle, were tied in their saddle. It was believed that a good Indian pony would always take its rider to safety, if the rider could remain on its back.

  Some people who did not apparently own a horse walked, but they didn’t seem to mind, as they held long staffs with feathers adorning the top of the staff.

  Running Wolf glanced over at me, his eyes appraising me as we rode.

  “I thought you were to become Shadow Hawk’s woman,” he said. “When he asked me to help you, I asked if you were his woman, and he said no. I asked if you were his slave, and he said no. He told me he had saved your life, and it was his duty to make sure you were always safe and cared for. I asked him if he wanted to pass the duty on to me, since he was a busy chief of the hunt.”

  Running Wolf did not continue, and I turned in my saddle and looked at him.

  “What did he say?” I asked, dreading the answer.

  “He said it was up to you.”

  “He can just give me to you?” I asked in astonishment.

  “He says you are not his to give. He is only responsible for you. You are not his woman or his slave or his prisoner. You are only a member of the tribe. It is up to you, who you wish to watch over you. If you do not wish me to watch you, then Shadow Hawk will fulfill his responsibility, since it is his duty to do so.”

  “Duty to do so!” I hissed. “He thinks me as his duty?”

  “He saved your life,” Running Wolf insisted, as though that was supposed to answer my question.

  “Do you think me to be pretty, Running Wolf?” I asked.

  He didn’t seem to be expecting that question.

  “You are more than just pretty,” he said softly. “I can see why Shadow Hawk wanted you as his woman, so I don’t know why he has changed his mind.”

  “It is because of what Shy Dove did. I can no longer have children,” I told him bluntly. “A chief wants to have children.”

  “An Indian can have more than just one wife to give him children,” Running Wolf informed me.

  “Only if Shadow Hawk married me, I would not wish him to have more wives. I understand that is the custom, but the first wife must approve of any more wives. Shadow Hawk knows I would never agree. That is why he doesn’t want me as his first wife. Maybe if he marries someone else, he will want me as his second wife, but then I would never agree to that either,” I stated. “He doesn’t even want me as his slave!”

  “I see,” Running Wolf mumbled. “Only he can’t take you as his slave, because you are now a member of our tribe.”

  “Even you would want a woman who could give you children. So knowing that, no brave would want me as his woman, or his wife,” I reasoned.

  Running Wolf turned to me, with a strange smile upon his face.

  “I am not a chief. I am a mere brave. I am not even a warrior. I cannot become a warrior until after my 18th season. If I became a warrior, I may die before my wife could have children. If you were my woman, I would only wish you to be happy. Do you wish to become my woman?” he asked, giving me a hopeful look.

  “You want me as your woman, even though you don’t even know me?” I asked, thin
king of how Shadow Hawk had informed me from the beginning he wished to have me as his woman.

  “I know you. Everyone knows you. They all talk about how they wished they were the one who saved you from the river. Shadow Hawk has too much pride. His position in the tribe blinds him. I can see the love in your eyes that you hold for Shadow Hawk, and yet he offers you to me to watch, if you wish it. If Shadow Hawk doesn’t wish you to be his first wife, be my first wife and I won’t take any other.”

  I sat there, my mouth falling open, as I looked upon this rather handsome looking young Indian brave. He seemed sincere. I didn’t know him, but I began to believe that he may have more honor than Shadow Hawk had.

  “I do not love you,” I said quietly. “I don’t think I could love anyone other than Shadow Hawk.”

  “But you will never have him, so take me instead!”

  “You would want me, even though you know I could never love you?”

  “I could please you. I could keep you warm at night. I could hunt for you, and stay by your side and protect you. What more could you want for a husband?”

  “Don’t you want a woman who loves you?” I asked.

  “You can learn to love me. I am in no hurry. I am not even a warrior yet.”

  He gave me that stubborn, yet handsome smile.

  I suddenly realized that this was my only choice at a little happiness. Staying alone in Hudson’s teepee, reliving that one glorious night with Shadow Hawk was all that would be left to me, if I did not take Running Wolf up on his offer. I didn’t know him, and I didn’t love him, but I was beginning to respect him.

  “Alright,” I said, impulsively. “After the hunt, you can make the arrangements.”

  “I am not a rich man. I have no horses. I have nothing to give you but my protection,” he said.

  “Your protection and respect is all I ask of you,” I told him. “And in return, I will give you anything you ask of me. But think hard on this, Running Wolf. I will never consent to you having a second wife, and when you do become a warrior, or even a chief, there will be no children to raise in your stead.”