“It is not what I wish. It is what I must do. I have responsibilities to my tribe. You distract me.”
“But apparently you do not take your responsibilities to me very serious. You once told me I was your responsibility. You gave that responsibility to Running Wolf. You only take on the responsibilities that you wish to deal with, not the ones that seemingly distract you,” I accused.
“You have been a hard woman. You refused to become my woman until you were going to bare my child. It makes me believe that was the only reason you agreed to become my woman. When you no longer carried my child, I did not think you wished to remain with me. You left my teepee and went to Running Wolf. That is why I did not want to keep you. It was only your need to give our child a family that made you agree to become my wife. Therefore, you have no place to accuse me of forgetting about my responsibility. You never wanted me to watch over you from the very beginning, but you welcomed Running Wolf, when he offered. Nothing I did ever seemed to please you.”
He paused, and looked deeply into my eyes.
“Except for that one night, you allowed me to show my deep love for you,” he mumbled. “I could not save you from Shy Dove. It was my fault she almost killed you. After that, I knew you would always blame me for what happened, and I could not look into your eyes. I could not touch you because I was filled with guilt. That is why I let Running Wolf watch you. I knew then, I had lost you. I needed a wife who loved me, and could give me children. The fact that you could not give me children, was my fault, and I knew you would never forgive me. It would haunt me always, even if I kept you. I cannot force you to stay with me. If you went to another, my heart would ache too much. So I am letting you go, even though I will miss you.”
“Why split hairs about it?” I rebuffed. “The real reason you are letting me go is because when you take on a wife who can give you children, you will not have to feel guilty about me. You wanted me, only that wasn’t enough, because you also waned a second wife, as well, and you complain about me not loving you enough? How do you think my heart would ache to see you loving a second wife? I think you are a hypocrite, to say your heart would ache too much if I went to another, and think nothing of taking on a second wife! Sometimes what we want in life cannot be given to us, Shadow Hawk. You are just using this as an excuse to feel justified about everything.
“I am leaving. I am going to stay with my aunt in Missouri. You can have Little Pride back again. I can’t take her with me. If I ever come back this way, it won’t be for a very long time. By that time, you will have found a woman who can give you children, and you will be happy to forget about me.”
“I will never forget about you,” he stated, and then he turned his back and walked away.
I knew I would never forget about him either, but I was too proud and angry at him to tell him so. Perhaps he had been right. I had fought against giving into him from the beginning, in spite of my feelings for him. I had been too stubborn to bow to his wishes and become an Indian. If I hadn’t been carrying his child, would I have agreed to become his woman in the end? I didn’t know the answer to that question.
I had taunted him with Running Wolf, because my feelings had been hurt. I had taunted Running Wolf, because I was lonely. I deserved his disdain. It was a good thing I was leaving, I told myself.
I watched him riding away on his beautiful horse, with several other braves, and then I continued to help Hudson load the flatboats. The next morning, we left bright and early. Now a new life was ahead of me, but I felt just as anxious about it, as I had felt when Shadow Hawk had taken me, when I thought I would remain his prisoner forever.
Somehow, life never turned out the way one planned. What power did we have over our lives, I wondered. The whole time I had been with Shadow Hawk, I had wanted to escape. Now that I could leave without him hunting me down, I was reluctant. The only reason I was leaving was so that Shadow Hawk would not discover that I was carrying Running Wolf’s child. If he didn’t hate me already for going to Running Wolf, his hatred for me would grow, once he discovered I could have children and the child I was having did not belong to him. There would never be a chance for him to want me then, even if I could give him children.
The Blessing that Running Wolf had given me, by allowing me to discover I could have children after all, was also a curse. Not only because it would keep me from Shadow Hawk, but because once I got to Missouri and had a half-breed, even my own people would turn their noses up at me.
CHAPTER TWELVE
I stood before the door of Aunt Kelly’s house, with Hudson and Little Flower standing beside me. Slowly, I lifted the knocker and let it fall against the door. The thud it made seemed to penetrate my heart. I wasn’t sure how Aunt Kelly would react, when she saw me dressed in a squaw-dress, with a scurfy looking trapper and an Indian woman with me. Already, people had turned and stared at us. They were used to seeing trappers with their furs, and perhaps Indians as well, but I was a white girl with light brown hair, dressed as an Indian, and I am sure they wondered about it.
I let the knocker fall again, when no one came to the door, and then the door was opened a crack.
“What do you want?” It was my aunt’s voice, but she didn’t seem to recognize me.
“Aunt Kelly?” I mumbled.
The door slowly opened some more, and Aunt Kelly was staring at me, her pale blue eyes wide, and an expression of almost horror marring her face. Finally, she pulled it the rest of the way open as she stared at us.
She was a tall, thin woman with graying hair, piled on top of her head. She wore a plane gray dress, with a string of pearls around her neck. Yellowed lace pushed out over her wrists from under the cuffs of the long sleeves. Her face looked peaked, with a few wrinkles, showing her age.
“Who are you?” she demanded.
“I am Vanessa,” I croaked. My name sounded strange to me, since Shadow Hawk and even Hudson called me Pay-dah Ee-shda. I had almost forgotten my real name.
“Vanessa? Vanessa drowned in a river, on her way to Oregon,” she huffed.
In a way that Vanessa had drowned, I thought. I was a completely different girl. I was a girl who had washed the old Vanessa away in the adoption ceremony and allowed a new self, Pay-dah Ee-shda, to be born.
“I, I didn’t drown.” I stammered. “An Indian saved me, and I have been staying at their village. This trapper, brought me back. His name is Hudson, and this is his wife, Little Flower.”
“You have been living with heathens?”
She looked from Hudson and Little Flower to me.
“You look like a heathen!” she bellowed. “You aren’t lice infected, are you?” she asked backing up a little.
“I am just fine, Aunt Kelly. Aren’t you going to ask me in?”
“I cannot believe it is you, Vanessa! Do your parents know you have survived?”
“No. They went on to Oregon, I suppose. There was no way to go there to find them, so I came here, since Hudson brings his furs to Missouri to sell them. Other wise I would still be with the Indians.”
“Well, mercy me! I just can’t believe this. Come on in, then.”
She looked wearily at Hudson and Little Flower, like she wasn’t sure about allowing them into her house, but since I pushed them ahead of me, she had no choice but to open the door wide enough to allow them to enter.
“Come into the parlor,” she mumbled, but she looked as though she was afraid to allow anyone to sit on her best furniture, which she kept in the parlor. “I’ll bring you some lemonade,” she offered, and left us on our own.
Hudson stood nervously, and wouldn’t sit down, and so Little Flower stood beside him, looking around in wonder at all the nick knacks my aunt kept on the shelves and tables. She was probably wondering why anyone would need such things cluttering up the space. Indians only kept necessities in their teepees, since they had to move on a regular basis.
Aunt Kelly returned with a tray holding a picture of lemonade and some glasses, along with a pl
ate of cookies. I poured the drink for Hudson and Little Flower, and offered them the tray of cookies. They looked like they were afraid to actually drink the juice, or eat the cookie, but when I drank and ate, they followed suit.
“Well, goodness. What are your plans, girl?” my aunt asked.
“I was hoping I could stay with you until next spring, and then maybe I could join my family in Oregon,” I said, wondering if she was actually going to allow me to remain with her. She looked so out of sorts about my surprise arrival.
“You don’t plan on me keeping your friends here too, do you?” she asked, giving a shivering look at Hudson and Little Flower.
“No, they have to return to the tribe so Hudson can start trapping again next winter. They merely gave me a ride here in their flatboats along the Missouri river,” I informed her.
She looked a little less worried, and shrugged.
“Well you are my brother’s child. I can’t very well turn you out,” she mumbled.
I got the strange feeling she wanted to turn me out, but I didn’t say anything.
“It will only be until spring. Once my father discovers I am here, he could send me money to make the trip back out to Oregon,” I suggested, wondering if he would have the money to send me.
“Your family will certainly be surprised to discover you are still alive,” she smiled. “I suppose you could stay in the guest room. This town house isn’t very large, you understand. I am a single person living here, so there was never a reason to get anything larger than this.”
“I appreciate you putting me up, and I will help out as much as I can, until it is time for me to leave,” I promised.
“I wouldn’t mind having a little company, I guess. I have lived by myself for so long though, it may take some time getting used to.”
“I will try not to get in your way or cause you any reason to feel uncomfortable with me here.”
But of course, I had not mentioned my condition, and perhaps she would turn me out after all, if she discovered I was going to have a little papoose. For now, I wouldn’t say anything. I would wait until I saw how we got along, I decided.
“Well Little Flower and myself should be on our way,” Hudson mumbled, putting his half finished glass on the tray. Little Flower did the same. I could tell he was feeling uncomfortable, and eager to be out from under Aunt Kelly’s disapproving glare, so I gave him and Little Flower a hug.
“Stop in and see me next spring. Maybe I can return part way with you, when I head out to Oregon,” I suggested.
“I will gladly do that,” Hudson agreed.
I led them to the door, and waved as they headed down to the street, and then on to the boarding house where they had left their belongings. When I came back into the parlor, Aunt Kelly was shaking her head and clicking her tongue.
“You can’t remain in those heathen clothes. Someone will think I have taken in a wild Indian. Only I don’t know if any of my things will fit you.”
Aunt Kelly was much taller and thinner than I was, and I felt she was right.
“I can stay in these clothes until we can figure something out,” I told her. “I will always remain in the house, so no one can see me, if you like.”
“Yes, I suppose that would be best. Tomorrow I have piano lessons to give, so maybe you should stay upstairs in your room, while that is happening. Later, I will measure you, and go to the local second hand store, to see if I can find something to fit you,” she offered.
“That will be fine. You don’t have to get anything fancy. Just make sure it fits me loosely. I have been gaining weight, for some reason, and I want to feel comfortable.”
“It’s amazing you could gain weight, considering you have been living with a bunch of Indians. I thought all they ever ate was buffalo meat.”
I shrugged. “I was sick for awhile, and didn’t get much exercise. They kept stuffing me with food, hoping I would get better,” I lied.
“Once you get on the right kind of diet, you may slim down,” she smiled, and I imagined her trying to starve me, so I would lose weight. I would have to tell her about the baby, if that ever happened, because I wanted it to be healthy, not weak and lethargic, when it was born.
“I’m really tired though,” I insisted. “We came a long way to get here. You wouldn’t have a bath tub, would you?”
“This is a modern house. I have a tub, to bathe in. The outhouse, as you know, is still an outside fixture, though. We even have hot running water, in the kitchen, as well, but I will have to start a fire in the wood-burner first,” she explained. “While you get settled in your room, I will do that. I notice you don’t have much with you,” she mentioned, glancing at the bundle I had brought with me, which happened to be the first dress Little Flower had given me and the one I had made with the blood stains on it, wrapped in the blanket I had first used as a makeshift shirt. They were all I had left of the time I spent with the Sioux.
“I just have a couple of Indian dresses, so I probably won’t be wearing them either, but one of them I made myself, so I wish to keep it. This dress was made for me by Little Flower, so I will be keeping it too, along with the one she gave me when I first came to the tribe, so don’t plan on throwing my Indian things out,” I warned.
“Don’t know why you would even want to keep them,” she muttered.
“The Indians were kind to me. They saved my life, took me into their village and welcomed me as of them instead of making me a prisoner. I have nothing negative to say about them, so I wish you would not either.”
“Very well. Nevertheless, you need to put all of that behind you. You are back in civilization now.”
Yes, I thought. I should put it all behind me, but once I had my baby that was not going to be easy to do, I realized.
Aunt Kelly took me upstairs, and showed me where my room was, and then she showed me where the tub was in a wash room at the end of the hall. After that, she left me to go start the fire in the wood burning cook stove, where the pipes ran through, in order to heat the water.
I sat on the bed of the small guest room, and looked around me. I could barely remember the last time I even sat on a bed. I had slept in the wagon on the way to Oregon, and then on the buffalo furs in the teepees for almost a year, so a bed seemed, somewhat, foreign to me. The room looked pleasant enough with the regular things one would find in a bedroom. All the furnishings were old, probably inherited from my father’s family before I was born.
I went to the window and looked out. Below my window was the back courtyard, where a wood shed stood, next to the outhouse. The rest of the space was filled with a kitchen garden, just starting to grow, and flower beds, decorating the courtyard. It was enclosed by a brick wall, and I could see other small courtyards on either side of the house, owned by townhouses next to my aunt’s place. I let the lace curtain fall, and went down the hall to investigate the place where the tub was.
The room was small with just enough room for the claw-foot tub, a chair, and a little pedestal sink. Fresh towels were rolled in a basket that sat on the chair. A radiator heater was at one end of the room, right under the tall narrow window. I tested the water, as I turned one of the spigot handles to the faucet. When I saw the steam, and felt it was warm, I put the plug in, and let the tub fill half way before stepping in.
The last time I had actually had a warm bath, in a regular tub was before we left to Oregon. Father had just added the bath house to our farm, and I was upset to discover we had to leave, right after we finally had bathing facilities on the farm. We had to share it with the hired hands though, which I felt was inconvenient. Even that small luxury had not lasted long, once the crop went bad and father discovered we were losing too much money trying to compete with the plantation owners.
Now I laid back and let the soothing, warm water surround me, as I closed my eyes and thought of all I had just left behind. My hand went to my stomach, feeling that rounded mound that kept growing larger as each day passed. Soon the dress that Little Flow
er had made me, would not be able to hide my condition, and I hoped my aunt did not buy me anything that fit me tight in the waist. I should probably insist I go with her and pick something out myself, even if she didn’t like the idea of being seen with someone wearing a heathen Indian dress.
Small waists, created by corsets was the latest style, with puffed sleeves, and full skirts, sometimes placed over a hoop. However, on our travels, we had dressed a little more practical, with just long skirts and a simple top, with slightly puffed sleeves. I felt an older style that was long and flowing, the skirt gathered beneath the breasts, might work better for me, I thought. If it was a second-hand store Aunt Kelly planned to get me a dress from, maybe I could find something from that era, I hoped.
When the water started to turn cold, I finally had to leave the reverie of my bath, and return to my room. I warped the long linen towel around my body, and walked down the hall to my room, carrying my Indian dress and moccasins back with me. Then I turned down the bed and crawled under the crisp white sheets, with nothing on, thinking how strange they felt against my skin. I had become accustomed to the buffalo fur, and I missed feeling them around me, I realized, sadly.
I dreamed that someone was making love to me. I was confused, because at first it seemed to be Running Wolf, but then his face changed, and I saw it was Shadow Hawk.
“I am the one who very much loves you,” he whispered.
Now I would never hear him say those words again, I thought as I suddenly jerked awake and discovered I was merely dreaming. I wanted to go back to dreaming, but I had to accept the fact that I could never return to that life again. Shy Dove had gotten her way, and now I would never have her Indian Brave.
I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I got up and got dressed. It was early, so I decided to go downstairs and sit out in the rear courtyard until my aunt got up to start the day. I hadn’t eaten anything the night before, but I discovered a patch of strawberries that had a few berries ripening, so I pushed the leaves aside to hunt for more.
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