I went to Hudson’s teepee, not bothering to wash Running Wolf’s blood off of my face and body. I looked down on the firs, where I had given Running Wolf his first experiencing of having a woman. I lay down and began to moan.
I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I was aware of was someone lifting me up from the firs, and I could see Shadow Hawk’s face. He led me down to the river and removed my bloody dress and then his breechcloth, bringing me out in the river with him, washing the dried blood off of my face and arms.
“When spring comes, I will have Hudson take you back to your people, when he takes his pelts in,” Shadow Hawk told me.
Then he brought me back to Hudson’s teepee, dried me with a blanket, and put me under the buffalo robe. He started a fire in the fire pit, and turned to look down upon me. Then he turned and left the teepee without another word.
Once he had gone, I began sobbing again. I had turned him from me, by going to Running Wolf, and now he wanted no part of me. But even if he had wanted me, I never would have agreed to a second wife, so it was just a well. He would send me away, and never think a thing of it, as he chose a more worthy wife to have his children. I wasn’t even good material to marry someone from my own people, seeing as how I was no longer a virgin, had lived with the Indians and took them to my bed, and now could not have children. There seemed to be no happy future for me. But wasn’t that what I had wanted? I had never wanted to get married to anyone in the first place, I tried to remind myself.
The camp was busy preparing meat for the winter, but I remained in Hudson’s teepee. I spent the morning trying to wash the blood out of my dress, the one that Little Flower had shown me how to make. The stain would not wash away. I would wear it anyway, once it dried, and never change it for another, I told myself.
They prepared Running Wolf’s body and placed it on a burial rack in a tree, his horse tied to the tree to help him make it to the other world. I came and stood, looking up at his body, which was wrapped in a wet buffalo hide, that would shrink to the form of his body when it dried. He was so young and had his life before him, the same as myself. I thought about how I had almost died twice, and wondered if Running Wolf had seen the bright-light, the same as I had. If he had, I knew he was now enveloped in a love greater than I could have ever offered him.
I turned, and went back to Hudson’s teepee. There seemed nothing to look forward to, except for returning to Missouri in the spring. Only I wondered how I would be accepted, once my family learned I had lived with the Indians, and had shared myself with two different Indian braves. I, of course, would never tell them, but we all knew what the Indians did with white women they captured. They would assume the worse, no matter what I told them.
I busied myself in taking long rides on Little Pride. I rode down to the place where Running Wolf had been killed, and got down from my horse, and sat there, looking at the dried blood in the grass, from both the buffalo and Running Wolf.
“Did you love him?” I heard a voice asking behind me, and I looked up to see Shadow Hawk, standing beside his horse.
“In a way you may never understand,” I mumbled. “I told him you would not allow me to become his woman, and that it was just as well, because I didn’t really love him. I had told him that when he first asked me. I told him it was you I loved.”
“Do you still love me?” he asked.
“I don’t know what I feel anymore, Shadow Hawk. I betrayed you and allowed Running Wolf to have me. You did not want me. What else was I to do? I am a ruined woman in more ways than one, not worthy enough to be your wife or worthy enough to be a white man’s wife. Who would want a woman who could not give them children? You should have had Shy Dove banned the first time she attacked me, so in a way, it is your fault for what happened to me.”
“I know. I cannot forgive myself for it. I know you cannot forgive me either. It is better that you return to your own people.”
“Better for who, Shadow Hawk? Better for you so you don’t have to look upon me and hate it if some other brave wants me for his woman? It has never been about me, has it? It has always been about what you wanted. How could you ever tell me that you were the one who very much loved me? You don’t even know what Love is. Running Wolf was the one who really loved me. He wanted me even though he knew I could not give him children. He loved me even though I told him I loved you, and may never learn to love him. He was the one who had honor, not you!”
Shadow Hawk, hung his head, and I saw a tear escape his eye, as he climbed back up on his horse, and slowly rode away. Whatever we had shared for one glorious moment could never be captured again, I thought.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
The days melted into one another, and soon winter was almost upon us. We would move the camp one more time, towards a more sheltered place, where it did not snow as much. Hudson and Little Flower returned. When he saw I was still staying in his teepee, he was surprised that I was there.
“I thought you were long gone in my round-boat,” he told me.
“I would have been, if some stray Sioux braves hadn’t run across me, recognized the style of my dress, and assumed I was a run-away slave, and returned me back to the village.”
“Sounds like you have had quite a time. I thought you would be Shadow Hawk’s woman by now though. When he discovered you were gone, he was frantic. He spent over a week trying to track you down. He thought he would never see you again. So why aren’t you with him?”
“It’s a long story. I will tell you sometime, or you can ask Shadow Hawk. His story will probably be different than mine, though,” I smiled. “He is sending me back with you in the spring when you take your pelts to Missouri,” I informed him.
“He is, is he? I never thought I would hear that. I know how much Shadow Hawk loved you. Something pretty serious must have happened for him to give you up.”
“Yeah,” I muttered. “A lot of things have happened, since you left.”
“Well, at least Little Flower and I will have company,” he smiled.
I could not believe four months had passed since Hudson had left, and then I sat stock still. Four months had passed. I had lost a baby, but for the last two months, I never had my womanly course. I put my hand to my stomach. I couldn’t be carrying a baby. I wasn’t able to have children! Then I started to shiver. It was Running Wolf’s child I would be having, I thought. It angered me, because if Shadow Hawk had of married me in spite of his worries of me being broken, he would have discovered that I wasn’t broken after all. It would have been Shadow Hawk’s baby I would been carrying right now, I realized, with remorse.
I decided I would not tell anyone. In three more months, I would be leaving the village. Shadow Hawk never need know. It wouldn’t change anything anyway, because once he learned I carrying Running Wolf’s child, he would despise me. Only when I returned home, I would be shunned, once I ended up having a half-breed bastard. I would just have to claim an Indian ravished me, I decided.
The secret was not that easy to keep to myself, because when I started heaving every morning, Little Flower guessed what the problem was.
“You cannot tell anyone,” I begged her, and began explaining to her the story about Shadow Hawk, Shy Dove, and Running Wolf. “It would just make matters worse if Shadow Hawk ever found out,” I explained.
She nodded. “I will care for you, and make sure no one discovers it, but I need to make you a larger dress, that will fit you more loosely, so no one guesses. Your dress is stained anyway.”
I looked down at my blood-stained dress. It was Running Wolf’s blood on my dress, and it was his child I was carrying. Now I would never forget that honorable brave, and maybe I shouldn’t, I told myself.
I rode out to the tree where Running Wolf had been placed. It was a day’s ride away, and I told Hudson that I wanted to go visit his grave. He offered to go with me, but I promised I would return, because I would be leaving in the spring. The snows would come soon, and I wanted to see Running Wolf’s
grave before I left this country for good.
When I reached the tree, I sat and looked up at the body wrapped there on the high rack.
“You will live on through me,” I said, as I sat at the base of the tree. “I will look into my child’s eyes and see you there. You were the only pure thing that came into my life. Your love was pure, and your intent was pure. I will never forget you, Running Wolf. I think I have learned to love you after all.
“I thought I was broken, and you kissed the wounds that Shadow Hawk refused to touch. I believe your kisses made me whole. It was strong man magic. If it hadn’t been for you, I still would believe I could never have children. Now at least, there will be a little hope for my future, because I have been given the gift of being able to raise your child.”
I pulled the buffalo robe, I had brought with me, down off of Little Pride, and laid on it beneath the tree, remembering my good-bye kiss to Running Wolf. He had Shadow Hawk to thank for that kiss, because if I had not seen him watching us, I may have never kissed Running Wolf, I thought.
The next morning, I headed back to the new camp sight, and arrived in time for the evening meal. I was tired, after my long ride, so I went to my furs, and laid down and dreamed about how I had given myself to Running Wolf to please him, and instead, he had ended up pleasing me in more ways than just bringing me physical pleasure. He had given me a gift that would last me a life time.
The next morning, we woke to snow. Winter had finally arrived completely. There wasn’t a lot to do during the winter, but work on crafts, and stay inside the teepee to stay warm. Now the tribe went into the sweat lodges to bath, pouring water over each other in the steaming confines. I merely heated water over the fire, and when Hudson and Little Flower went to bathe, I would bathe myself with a cloth.
I rarely saw Shadow Hawk, because I seldom ventured from the teepee. I didn’t want to see Shadow Hawk. When I left, I vowed not to bother to tell him good-bye. I would put him as far behind me as I could, I told myself.
Hudson was gone a lot of the time, setting his traps and then checking on them. He would bring his catch back to the teepee and remove the hides. Some of the animals he caught we actually ate, which was a break from the dried buffalo meat we mostly subsided on.
Mostly, he caught otter, and beaver, since beaver hats were all the rage in the states, and sometimes, he caught foxes, which were used for fur coats for women, or to sling around their necks, if they couldn’t afford a complete coat. There were times other animas managed to get caught in his traps, and what he couldn’t use for pelts, we could at least use for food.
Hudson also went ice fishing on the frozen river. Even though the Sioux liked Salmon, they didn’t particularly like other kinds of fish. They claimed they had too many bones, but for a change in menu, I didn’t mind picking the bones out.
The winter seemed to pass slowly, and maybe it was because I was so anxious for spring to arrive. I was laying on my furs, when I took in my breath, and lowered my hand to my stomach. I felt the baby moving. It felt like little butterflies flitting about inside of me. I had never felt anything like it before, and I was sure it was Running Wolf’s spirit settling on me, letting me know that his child was there to keep me company, since he had been forced to leave me.
If Running Wolf had not been killed, I probably would have ended up becoming his woman, once I discovered I was carrying his child, and then Shadow Hawk would have had to stand on the sidelines, knowing I could have had his children, if he had not been so hasty about insisting I allow him to take another wife, beyond me. If he had been able to get over his pride, and anger at the situation, and just made love to me, he would have discovered the truth. As it was, now he would never know. He would take someone else to become his wife, while I raised Running Wolf’s child clear over in Missouri, dealing with the shame of having a half-breed. I hoped my Aunt Kelly would be understanding.
However, Aunt Kelly was a spinster. She had never had children, and lived alone, teaching piano lessons to add to her small inheritance, left to her by my grandfather on my father’s side. That was when the farm had been doing well, and my father’s family had been wealthy. My father had inherited the farm, and money to run it with, and his sister had gotten enough money to subsist on, my grandparents thinking that she would marry eventually. I wondered how my family was doing in Oregon. Maybe after the baby was born, I would go and stay with them, I thought. I missed Jessie and Becky.
The snow eventually melted, and I knew that the tribe would be getting ready for the spring hunt. When that happened, Hudson would take his furs into Missouri. He had left late, last season, because he had not finished curing all his pelts. Only this time, I was there to help him, along with Little Flower, so the work went faster.
Now, since I had taken his flatboat, he had two flatboats, since he had to make a new one to take the place of the boat I had stolen. I knew, once we started out, it would only take less than a month to reach Missouri, if we did not stop and camp along the way. I was starting to look forward to being back in civilized society again.
Little Flower had made me another dress, that hung looser on me than the one I had made, but I still packed my old dress away, because it had Running Wolf’s blood on it, and that was all I had left of him, other than his child, I would be giving birth to. If it was a boy, I would name it Running Wolf, I told myself.
I thought about Running Wolf’s mother, and I wanted her to know that her son would live on through me. I decided to visit her, before I left the village for good, so her heart could be lifted a little, knowing a part of her son would still remain in this life. I had only seen her that one time, when she had come to collect Running Wolf’s body. I asked Little Flower to take me to her teepee.
When we arrived, she was sitting outside of her teepee, working on a blanket, made from wild sheep’s wool. She had died the strands, using berries, or other kinds of plants, boiled in water. The design was very beautiful. I sat down beside her, and watched her work, after she glanced at me briefly.
“I am the one who brought your son back from the hunt,” I told her.
She nodded. “Yes, I remember,” she murmured.
“Your son wanted me to become his woman, but Shadow Hawk said he had to prove himself first.”
“I thought Shadow Hawk was to take you as his woman.”
“Things changed. We thought I could not have children, after Shy Dove stabbed me. A chief needs children, but Running Wolf did not care about that. He wanted me anyway. Your son was very loving and kind. I did not really love him, but he hoped I would learn to love him.”
She looked at me and gave me a sad smile.
He talked of you often. He told me how he was going to protect you, because Shadow Hawk was too busy to look after you. He said Shadow Hawk did not deserve you, because he had not kept his word and made you his woman. I thought by now, Shadow Hawk would have changed his mind, and made you his woman after all.”
“It was because I wouldn’t allow Shadow Hawk to take a second wife, if I became his woman. He thought I was being selfish, and he was right. I did not want someone else loving my man. Running Wolf, said he did not need anyone other than me, but because I did not love him, I did not want him to be with someone who could not love him the same way he loved them. Your son was brave and honorable. I came to tell you that I carry your son’s child. No one knows except for Little Flower, and now you. I am leaving soon, but I just wanted to let you know that your son lives on through me.”
The woman lifted her head, and gazed into my eyes, as a tear slowly slid down her cheek.
“Will you ever bring my grandchild for me to look upon?” she asked.
“Perhaps. I may go to join my family in Oregon, and I could stop by here first.”
“Thank you,” she murmured.
Then she threw her arms around me and hugged me.
“Running Wolf would have made you a good husband. His heart was generous, and his love for you was deep, only you we
re to be Shadow Hawk’s woman, and he could not confess that love, so he merely loved you from a distance.”
“I know,” I mumbled. “I miss him, even though I only knew him for a short period.”
“I am happy you have told me this,” his mother told me. “It lightens my heart to know I will have a grandchild to carry our blood to future generations.”
Then I rose and walked away, going back to Hudson’s teepee, with Little Flower beside me. In a few days, as soon as Shadow Hawk had found the new herd, I would be leaving this chapter of my life behind. It would take me a life time to actually put it all behind me, though.
Hudson was packing up his pelts onto the flatboat, so by the time we were ready to leave, it would already be done. Little Flower and I were helping him. In the middle of passing him pelts, I heard someone clear their throat, and I turned to see Shadow Hawk, standing behind me. I almost fell over, as my heart leaped, since I had not seen him this close to me in a very long time.
“I see you are preparing to leave our tribe,” Shadow Hawk mumbled. “I am on my way to look for the spring herd, and wanted to come and bid you farewell.”
“Have a good hunt,” I murmured.
“I will miss you,” he said.
“I don’t see why. You have barely even looked at me ever since Running Wolf died. I should be of no consequence to you.”
“You have tried to escape me many times, and I always tried to bring you back. This time, I will have to let you go.”
“Yes. I suppose that does change things between us. Knowing you don’t wish to bring me back.”
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