Shadow Hawk

by Jeanie P Johnson

  Shadow Hawk, took my head in his hands, and placed his lips upon me, and all the memories flooded through me with the touch of his lips. He was branding my heart with that kiss, and as much as I wanted to climb up on Little Pride and ride away with him at that very moment, now I had responsibilities, that seemed to be holding me here. He pulled his mouth form mine. A moment later, he had mounted his Indian Pony.

  “You can keep Little Pride,” he mumbled. “I gave her to you, and she belongs to you. Come and show Running Wolf’s child to his mother if you ever pass our village. She would be grateful.”

  I watched him turn his horse, slowly heading away. Hudson jumped down and gave me a hug.

  “I hope you will be happy,” he mumbled, and then he got back on his horse, and he and Little Flower followed Shadow Hawk.

  Shadow Hawk gave his horse a kick, causing it to gallop up the rise. When he reached the top of the rise, he turned and looked back at me, still sitting proud on his horse, always the mystic Indian that he had been from the beginning.

  “I will always love you, Pay-dah Ee-shda!” he called to me.

  I almost felt like casting my responsibilities aside, leaping upon Little Pride’s back and galloping up the rise to follow him. Only, one glance at Elliot, and I knew I owed him so much. He had been patient with me, and stood by me, in spite of Shadow Hawk’s hold on me.

  When Hudson and Little Flower caught up with him, they all disappeared over the rise, as I stood trembling, realizing I had made my final choice. I wondered if I could live with it.

  Elliot came up beside me and handed me my son. He put his arm around my waist, as he looked down on us.

  “Now what?” he asked, looking unsure of himself.

  I turned and looked up into his green eyes, accepting the fact that if I gave into his need to love me, he would never betray me. He would always be there standing strong beside me, never demanding anything from me that I was not willing to give.

  “Shadow Hawk asked me if you were my man,” I murmured. “I realized when he asked me, that you had become my man without me even knowing it, and I had not appreciated it enough. I don’t know if I can ever learn to love you the way I love Shadow Hawk, but I should at least give you a chance.”

  “That’s all I want,” Elliot smiled.

  Then his head was bending over mine, and he captured my mouth in a gentle kiss.

  “I knew from the first moment I saw you, that I wanted to be more to you than a simple friend to you. I just needed to wait until you could shed the Indian in you and accept me as your man.”

  I thought about how I had washed the old Vanessa away and became Pay-dah Ee-shda, a member of the Sioux tribe. Maybe I could never get the old Vanessa back again, I thought, but I would give it a try.

  “Come inside,” I whispered. “I think it is time to put little Elliot down for his nap. In time I may be able to put Shadow Hawk behind me for good.”

  “I have all the time in the world to wait, as long as you don’t ever ask me to leave.’

  “You are welcome here as long as you wish to remain.”

  “I’ll remain a life time, if you allow me to,” he smiled.

  “I know,” I murmured. “That is what frightens me. I have gone about everything wrong, and I am still making mistakes. I just don’t want to hurt you, Elliot. I am afraid that I will end up hurting you, the same way I have hurt both Running Wolf, and Shadow Hawk.”

  “You let me worry about that. I love you, Vanessa. I have always loved you, mistakes and all. I am sure God will forgive you for your past mistakes,” he whispered, as he picked me up, with my son in my arms.

  I looked down on Running Wolf’s son, in my arms, as Elliot carried us upstairs, and realized that he was also Elliot’s son, in more ways than I could count.

  I wanted to tell him I loved him too, but I wasn’t quite ready for that, not while the memory of Shadow Hawk’s kiss was fresh on my lips. Elliot put me down so I could put little Elliot in his crib. He was already rubbing his eyes.

  Elliot led me over to the bed.

  “Come lay down with me,” he requested, as h pulled me down beside him and placed his arms around my waist. “I missed not sleeping next to you at night. Just the warmth of your body next to me would keep me happy.”

  “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you really need yet,” I told him, “but I plan to spend more time, showing you how much I appreciate what you have done for both me and little Elliot.” I smiled.

  “I will accept that offer,” Elliot returned, and then he was pulling me snuggly against him, the way Shadow Hawk used to do when I first became his prisoner. In my head I could hear the chanting of Indians, as though they didn’t want me to escape into my own world. I tried to block it out of my head.

  Shadow Hawk would always hover over me, and Running Wolf would remain in the face of my son. A part of me remained in that Sioux village, but the other part of me was right here, receiving love from a man, whom I didn’t deserve, but he chose to overlook it.

  We lay in each other’s arms. I felt comfortable. I wondered if that would be enough. Would I ever learn to love Elliot the way I had loved Shadow Hawk? The chants were still in my head, and I thought about how Shadow Hawk had told me that Wahcondakah had given me to him, and always brought me back. Would Wahcondakah ever release me from Shadow Hawk? I didn’t know the answer.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Once again, life seemed to go back to normal. Only, I had to admit, it wasn’t really normal. I allowed Elliot to sleep beside me at night, and I moved into my parent’s bedroom with him, but he never tried to approach me on an intimate level. I wasn’t quite ready for that yet.

  We enjoyed ourselves, playing with my son, and Elliot treated him as though little Elliot was his real son. Elliot was the only father Running Wolf’s son would probably know, I thought. As usual, I felt guilty because I didn’t want to hurt Elliot, but until I could give myself to him completely, without reservations, and know that somewhere in the back of my mind Shadow Hawk did not still have power over me, I did not want to give him false hope.

  I liked our easy friendship, and there was a part of me that didn’t want to change that. I just worried that Elliot would get tired of waiting for me to give my entire heart to him, and our close friendship wouldn’t be enough to keep him here with me.

  It was almost as though we were an old married couple whose romance had weakened, and we just accepted our place in each other’s lives. We got along well. We never argued. We seemed to have the same goals, as far as the farm was concerned. We both enjoyed sharing my son together. I know Elliot thought of little Elliot Running Wolf as his own son, since he had helped with the birth and spent as much time with him as I did. I felt it was unfair to Elliot, and if I didn’t agree to marry him soon, I would lose him. I knew I didn’t want to lose him, and I did have a comfortable love for him. I could never go back to Shadow Hawk, so what other choice did I have?

  Why was I always stalling for more time to give in to Elliot, and take away the last barrier between us? I decided, that when Elliot came in for lunch, after cutting wood, I would agree to marry him, and try to make up for all the worry I put him through.

  I busied myself making an apple pie for him, the way I had the first time he came to the farm. I was actually starting to feel excited about finally admitting that I needed Elliot, and wanted Elliot, and was learning to love Elliot the way he deserved. Any thought of Shadow Hawk, was brushed aside, as I told myself firmly that I couldn’t keep living in the past, and I had to look to the future. My future was right here on my family farm, and without Elliot, I could not do it alone.

  I set the table, with the lunch waiting. The pie was sitting in the middle of the table. I waited impatiently, but like other times in the past, Elliot was late to lunch. I tried not to let it worry me, because sometimes he wanted to finish up the wagon load, when he was running late. When an hour had passed, and he had not appeared, I became more concerned. The baby was sle
eping, so I decided to risk it and go discover what was keeping Elliot.

  In a way, I was feeling angry, that his taking so long was ruining the surprise I had planned for him, but I tried to calm my temper, because I seldom got angry at Elliot, since he was always so eager to please me.

  As I got closer to the woods, and saw the wagon and horse, I started calling out for Elliot, expecting him to appear, and complain to me that I had left the baby unattended, just to hurry him at his work.

  “Elliot!” I cried out, when I could not see him near the wagon.

  I saw that the wagon was only half full of wood, and usually by this time he was able to fill it. I began looking around, wondering why he hadn’t come when I called. Then I thought I heard a noise, and when I heard it again, I knew it was Elliot. He was barely calling my name.

  I ran in the direction of his voice, and then I came to a sudden stop. I could see Elliot. He was pinned under a tree that apparently, had rotted at the base and fallen over on him.

  “Elliot!” I screamed. “What happened?”

  I wondered how long he had been lying there, hoping I would come looking for him. He looked weak, and could barely speak.

  “You need to unhitch the horse and tie a rope to its harness to pull the tree off of me,” he whispered.

  I was frantic. I didn’t know the first thing about how to do it, and I was afraid I would hurt Elliot even more.

  “You can do it,” he encouraged.

  Elliot instructed me on where to tie the rope, so the log would lift, and then he would try to crawl out from under the tree. I did everything he told me to do. I could tell he could barely move, but he used his strong arms to pull himself to safety, while I held the horse to keep the rope taut, and then I let the tree fall back into place.

  Elliot lay, breathing hard, looking up into my eyes.

  “I just need to catch my breath,” he told me. “Give me a moment.”

  “Oh Elliot, what are we going to do? I don’t know if I can get you up on the wagon,” I wailed, as tears filled my eyes.

  “Shhh. Everything is going to be all right. I may be laid up for a few days, though. Just don’t worry!”

  “As soon as you recover, we are going to get married,” I told him.

  His eyes lighted up.

  “Really?” he asked almost unbelievingly. “I thought you were going to put me off forever.”

  “I need you Elliot. I want to be your wife. You have been a father to my child, and a husband to me. I should have agreed sooner.”

  “Don’t worry, I would have waited forever, if needs be,” he smiled.

  “Oh, Elliot. I don’t deserve your kind of love. I don’t deserve you. I will make it up to you, I promise!”

  “Do you love me, Vanessa? I won’t marry you unless you love me.”

  “Of course, I love you Elliot. I love you in so many different ways!” I assured him.

  “Good,” he smiled. “Because I love you too.”

  Then he closed his eyes, and I thought he was resting, but I didn’t notice him breathing and I lifted his hand. It felt limp and lifeless. He must have passed out, I told myself as I lay my ear over his chest, listening for a heart beat. I felt the vein in his neck, but I couldn’t find a pulse. He couldn’t be dead! He said he would get better!

  I sat there with Elliot’s head in my lap, the tears streaking down my face, and then I remembered little Elliot Running Wolf. How long had I been out here? I jumped up on the horse’s back, and galloped back to the house. I could hear my child crying and I raced upstairs to grab him up in my arms. I thought of Elliot laying out in the woods all alone. It wasn’t fair! It was like Running Wolf dying all over again. I had waited too long to agree to marry Elliot!

  I crumpled onto the bed with little Elliot in my arms, sobbing helplessly. There was nothing here for me any longer. Without Elliot the farm meant nothing to me any longer. My life felt empty, and used up, and I wasn’t sure where to turn. The only thing I could do, was go and join my family in Oregon while there was still time to make the trip.

  The next morning, I somehow managed to put Elliot’s stiff body on the wagon. I brought him to the grave yard, where my grandparents were buried. I dug the grave myself, and managed to put him to rest. I knew he didn’t have any family of his own here, so now he had become part of my family.

  Then I loaded the wagon with all the supplies we had stored, and whatever else I wished to bring; the treadle sewing machine being one of the things I loaded. I brought the rocking horse, the crib, the highchair, and some of the toys and books from my little sister’s room as well. Finally, I covered the furniture with the dust covers. I looked at the kitchen table where the lunch still sat out with the pie in the middle of the table. I did not have the heart to eat any of it. I boarded up the windows, locked the house and replaced the key above the door. I wondered if I would ever be coming back here.

  I loaded the cages of chickens on the wagon, tied the cow and Little Pride to the back of the wagon, and then headed away from the farm, headed towards town.

  When I arrived, I stopped at Aunt Kelly’s and told her about Elliot. I told her I was going to join my family in Oregon, and may not see her again. She glanced at my child, and gave a weak smile.

  “Elliot was a good man,” she murmured. “You should have married him. He wanted you to.”

  “I know. I was going to marry him, but I waited too long, and now he is gone.”

  At least, he knew I wanted to marry him, so I hope he died happy. The words, “Good, because I love you too,” would forever ring in my ears.

  Now he too, along with Running Wolf, would be enveloped into that loving, bright-light that always refused me. Maybe I needed to learn more about love, before it would ever accept me, I decided. I wondered if Elliot and Running Wolf would become friends in the here-after, because of their connection to me. I wondered if heaven was the same place Indians went when they died, instead of some happy hunting ground, that was often talked about.

  I boarded a barge that would take me across the river, and then I headed my wagon along the Missouri River, which I would follow, until I reached Shadow Hawk’s village. I hoped they had not moved it yet. I wanted to show Running Wolf’s mother her grandson, before I continued on to Oregon. It was out of my way to go that way, but something seemed to pull me in that direction. I wondered if Wahcondakah was bringing me back to the tribe like He had always done in the past. I wondered what Shadow Hawk would say when he saw me.

  For all I knew, Shadow Hawk had already found himself a first wife, and had put the memory of me behind him. I wouldn’t blame him. I had gone to Running Wolf, and then turned him down when he came and begged me to come back with him. He had probably lost all respect and love he had ever harbored for me, I thought. Nonetheless, I headed in that direction, just to make sure.

  It took almost a month to reach the place where the village used to be. It was empty now, the grass eaten down by the horses, many of the trees cut down for fire wood. The only thing left were the fire pits, now cold and gray, with no signs of warmth. I felt chilled just looking at it, knowing I had come all this way to find the camp had moved. I was tired. I was disheartened. I had always been too late for everything, I thought.

  I climbed down from the wagon, and took some of the fire-wood I had brought with me, putting it in one of the rings, and starting it on fire. I would stay the night, and then head along the other river, the one Shadow Hawk and I had followed to get to the camp before it was moved farther up the river when we hunted the buffalo, and finally out here for the winter. Once again, I could almost hear the drums and the chanting of the Indians as I sat beside the fire, watching the flames rise and fall. My heart was like that, rising one moment and then falling the next. I had no more control over my heart than I did keeping this small fire from rising and falling, I thought.

  Elliot Running Wolf was asleep in the wagon, and I decided to let him sleep, and then in the morning I would have to leave the Sioux
behind for good. As I sat, watching the fire, something, in the distance caught my eye. I looked up and decided it must be some wild animal in the distance, because I could barely make out what it was.

  I went back to staring into the fire, looking for answers that were never forthcoming. I had lost Running Wolf, and then Elliot. Now, I would probably never see Shadow Hawk again either. It was then, I looked up and saw a lone rider on a horse coming towards me. I caught my breath, because I knew who it was.

  “Shadow Hawk” I whispered, wondering if it was just the smoke of the fire causing me to see some sort of vision or mirage. I thought about how I said I would go on a vision quest to find answers. Maybe this was my vision quest, I thought, and Wahcondakah was bringing me the vision of my heart that I wanted the most.

  He stood before me, seated upon his horse, the way he had looked the last time I had seen him.

  “Wahcondakah, called to me,” he said in a low voice. “He told me to come back to our camp. I wasn’t sure why I needed to come here, but I obeyed. This time he has brought me to you, instead of bringing you to me. Why are you here?”

  “Elliot died, and I was going to join my family in Oregon. Only, I wanted to see Running Wolf’s mother and show his baby to her first.”

  “Is that the only reason you came?” he asked.

  He was climbing down from his horse and walking towards me. I sat frozen where I was, looking up into his face. That face that just wouldn’t leave my dreams at night.

  “I was hoping to see you again,” I barely whispered.

  “Why?” he asked.