Missing Parts

by Lucinda Berry

  “Sorry? What are you sorry for? I’m just happy to know you’re alive.”

  “I never should’ve put you through this. It was so selfish of me.”

  Her crying stopped.

  “You left on purpose?”

  “Yes.”

  “I never thought…. I just never imagined….”

  She’d thought I was forced to leave. She’d never imagined I would do what my father had done to her. I was the stable one. I was the person she could count on to be predictable, the one she never had to worry about.

  “I want to explain all of it to you, but I don’t want to have this conversation on the phone. Do you think you could come here?”

  “Of course. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

  “Is Rori okay? Did she make it?” I asked.

  “Yes, thank God. She made it. They found a match for her kidney a few weeks after you disappeared. She got lucky. A young girl died in the hospital who was a perfect match. I was there for the surgery. She was such a trooper.” I could hear the pride in her voice.

  “How is she?” I asked.

  “She’s doing great. She’s our little miracle. Her body accepted the kidney well. She goes in for monthly check-ups with her specialist. I can’t remember his name. Harrison, I think. She just finished her first year of kindergarten. You won’t believe how much she’s grown.”

  She spoke like I could step back into my old life as if nothing had happened, but I wasn’t sure it was going to be that easy. I didn’t know if I could. I wasn’t the same person. I didn’t know who I was. Twenty four hours ago, I’d thought I was a murderer.

  “Thank you so much for doing this for me,” I said to Joe after I hung up the phone.

  “Please quit saying that to me. You don’t have to keep thanking me.” He sipped his coffee. He was on his second pot of the day. “Have you thought any more about what you’re going to say to David?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t even know if he’ll talk to me. He might just hang up.”

  “Whatever he does or doesn’t do, at least you know you did what was right. You tried to make it better. You did your part. That’s all you can do.” His AA speak was so ingrained in him it had become a part of who he was. “Just be honest.”

  I’d been rehearsing David’s phone number all morning, scared I’d forget it or lose the piece of paper I’d written it on. He’d had the same number for years no matter how many times we’d changed our cellphone plans and his was the only number I knew by heart, but I was scared the numbers would fly out of my head so I’d written them down.

  “I’m going to take a walk. I want you to have privacy. Unless you want me to stay.”

  “No, that sounds good. I’ll be okay. Just don’t go far.” I forced a smile.

  “Okay. I’ve got my cell phone with me so just call when you want me to come back.” He hugged me and then left.

  I stared at the phone on the nightstand next to my bed. I picked it up as if it weighed a hundred pounds. I punched in his numbers slowly. It rang. Rang again. Three more times. I was about to hang up when he answered.

  “Hello?”

  His voice sounded distant and faraway.

  “David?”

  “Yes?”

  “This is Celeste.”

  Dead air. I could hear him breathing.

  “Please, don’t hang up on me.”

  More dead air.

  “I’m okay….”

  It wasn’t what I’d planned to say.

  “I don’t care if you’re okay.” His voice was stone.

  “I’m in Los Angeles.”

  “Good for you.”

  Everything I wanted to say left my head. I’d been prepared for it, though, so last night Joe and I wrote a script and we’d practiced it this morning. I gripped the paper with shaking hands.

  “First, I want to say how sorry I am–”

  “I don’t want to hear your apologies. You can hang up now if that’s all you have to say because I don’t give a shit about how sorry you are.”

  I gulped. I had to stay focused. I moved past the apology line and onto the next.

  “Okay. I’m sor–I mean, never mind. I’d like it if you could give me an opportunity to explain myself. I know I don’t deserve it. Not at all, but I want to tell you the truth about what happened. All of it. Where I’ve been. Everything. I’d like to see you so we can talk. You don’t ever have to see me again afterward if you don’t want to. I know I can’t make anything better. I won’t even try.”

  The silence stretched out between us.

  “I’ll meet you, but only because you’re Rori’s mother. There are things about her we need to talk about. I want to be clear that I’m doing this for her. Not you.”

  “I get it. I understand. I do. When are you free? I can meet you whatever time you’d like. You tell me when and where. I’ll be there.”

  “You’re not coming to the house.”

  “I wouldn’t expect to.”

  “How about five o’clock at Café Aroma in Los Feliz? Do you remember where it is?”

  “I do.”

  He hung up without saying good-bye.

  I called Joe and told him to come back. I filled him in on our conversation.

  “At least he agreed to talk to you.”

  “It was pretty awful. He still hates me. I’m scared to see him. Do you have to leave?”

  His original plan was to help me turn myself in, spend the night in a hotel, and get up early the next morning to drive back to Minnesota. It hadn’t included spending additional days with me. He was the owner of a construction company back in Triton and his crew needed him to run things efficiently.

  “I can probably swing another day or so before things really start to fall apart. Let me call my people.” He stepped outside to contact his crew and make arrangements.

  “It’s done. I bought myself some more time,” he announced as he walked back into the room.

  “What do we do now?” I asked. “I don’t want to sit here obsessing until five.”

  “I have an idea. Why don’t we go shopping?”

  “Shopping?” It was the last thing on my mind.

  “Promise you won’t take this the wrong way?”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Um, okay?”

  “I’ve never seen you wear anything but those jeans and old t-shirts. Don’t get me wrong, they’re pretty hot.” He smiled. “But I’ve got to admit, they’re a bit homely. Plus, they don’t fit you. Maybe you want to dress yourself up a bit to see your husband after all this time?”

  I had no desire to shop. I didn’t care what I looked like, but he was insistent. I refused to go to a mall, but he talked me into going to TJMaxx. It felt weird to think about what I was going to wear. I hadn’t given any thought to my appearance in so long I forgot what it felt like. I didn’t know what I liked anymore. I passed by the rows of designer clothes that would’ve normally caught my eye. I couldn’t afford them anymore even if I wanted to. My small nest egg of cash was dwindling quickly. Joe trailed behind me until I settled on a pair of dark blue jeans and a loose fitting blouse with floral print. I bought a nice pair of brown sandals to compliment the outfit I’d chosen.

  Next, we stopped at Walgreens where I bought foundation and mascara. I couldn’t bring myself to buy anything else to paint my face with. Make-up felt like a step too far. I wanted to be transparent.

  I took my time getting ready back at the hotel. It felt odd to slip into tight form-fitting clothes. I’d gotten used to my loose fitting clothes that hung on my hips and drooped over my shoulders. I felt tight and constricted in clothes that fit. The shoes were uncomfortable and squished my toes. It was hard to believe I used to wear heels every day.

  I looked at myself in the mirror once I’d finished. My hair was still short, but didn’t look as ghastly as it once had. I rubbed the foundation on my cheeks and underneath my eyes, hoping it would help me not look so pale. I was terrified to see David again. Even though it was th
e right thing to do, it didn’t make it any easier. Joe offered to stay behind, but I wanted him with me. His presence was comforting.

  Nothing could’ve prepared me for the wave of emotions that assaulted me when I saw David. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. His casual manner was gone. He sat upright in his seat, stiff and formal. He’d aged. New wrinkles pulled at the corner of his eyes. His hair had receded further back. I was shocked to see Robin sitting in the chair next to him. She looked like a different person. Her usual blond hair was dyed black and cut to her shoulders. She wore a long flowing sundress and her skin was glowing with a fresh tan. Her face was painted to perfection.

  A flash of horror and recognition passed across their faces as we walked up to their table. They stared back and forth between Joe and me, looking us up and down. David’s eyes turned to ice. Robin was studying my face carefully with an expression I’d never seen her make. Neither of them stood. Just stared.

  Joe stuck out his hand. “I’m Joe. I’m a friend of Celeste’s.”

  Neither of them moved. Joe dropped his arm to his side awkwardly. We slid into our seats across from them. Joe picked up the menu and began skimming it as if it was a casual dinner date. The waitress brought us water.

  “Make this quick,” David said with acid in his tone.

  “I spoke with my mom and I’m glad to hear Rori’s doing okay.”

  I hoped talking about Rori first would soften him.

  “She’s fine,” David said.

  “Did you guys order?” Joe asked.

  David shot him a seething glare. Robin shifted in her seat uncomfortably.

  “I’m fine with iced tea,” Robin said.

  The tension surrounding our table was so thick, even the waitress looked nervous when she came back to take our order.

  “We’re fine.” David dismissed her. I had a feeling she wouldn’t be back again.

  “How have you been?” I asked.

  David rolled his eyes. “I don’t have time for small talk. Get to it.”

  I swallowed the lump of emotions in my throat and took a sip of my water. “I realize I should’ve had this conversation with you a long time ago. I should’ve told you about what happened with Phil. I–”

  “I’m going to stop you right there. I don’t care about your affair. I don’t want to hear your explanation.”

  “I think it’s important. I never got a chance to tell you what happened. It might help what I did make sense.”

  “I’m telling you again, I don’t care.”

  Robin placed her hand on his back. “Give her a chance.”

  I looked at her, hoping she could read the gratitude in my eyes. David sat back in his chair, arms crossed against his chest. “The first thing I want you to know is I didn’t have an affair.”

  “Jesus Christ, Celeste, you fucked someone else. I’m not doing this. This was a mistake.”

  He stood up. Robin scrambled for her purse. They started moving the other chairs out of the way to leave. Joe stood, blocking them.

  “We’re leaving. I never should’ve come in the first place. I don’t want to hear this,” David said through gritted teeth.

  “I think you might want to hear what she has to say,” Joe said not moving from his position in front of them.

  The aisle between our tables was too small for them to move around him. They’d have to go through him or move him if they wanted to leave. The gesture wasn’t lost on David.

  “Buddy, I don’t know who you think you are, but I don’t have to do anything.” David’s face was bright red. He stepped closer to Joe.

  “Man, just sit down and hear her out. Give her a chance.”

  “You can either move out of the way or I’m going to move you.” David’s chest puffed out. His fists were clenched by his sides. Robin hid behind him.

  “I’d think twice about that.” Joe stepped closer to him. Their chests were touching. David raised his arm to push Joe out of the way.

  “He raped me,” I blurted out.

  David stopped as if he’d hit an invisible wall.

  “What?” Disbelief shone in his eyes.

  “Why don’t you sit back down?” Joe’s voice broke in.

  They did as they were told, moving robotically back into their seats. David gripped the table with both hands. Robin’s eyes filled with tears. She put her hand on his back, rubbing circles.

  “It was night of the awards banquet for donors. I was in San Diego. Remember that? You couldn’t go because it was during finals week?”

  His face was a stone wall revealing nothing, but he had to remember. We had the same banquet every year and we always tried to make a vacation out of it.

  “I flirted with him at dinner. It was wrong and I shouldn’t have flirted. I…. I don’t know what I was thinking. I stayed for the reception and danced with him, too. I’m so sorry, David. I am.”

  I wished he could see inside my heart and know how much I’d give to go back in time to erase what I’d done that night.

  “He asked me to go up to his room with him to have a drink and I went. It was stupid. So dumb. I never should’ve gone. Believe me, I regret it every day.”

  David’s face was pinched and his eyes were filled with suspicion.

  “As soon as we were in his room, I panicked. I realized what would happen if I stayed and I couldn’t do that to you. I didn’t have it in me. All I could think about was you, David. I swear. I knew I’d made a mistake and all I wanted to do was leave and go home to you.” Tears flowed down my cheeks. I looked at him, desperately searching for some hole in his armor. There was none. “I didn’t have a drink. I couldn’t. I told him I’d made a mistake and nothing was going to happen between us, but when I tried to leave he wouldn’t let me. He called me a tease. Then, he…. h-he raped me.”

  I’d confessed my secret a second time. It wasn’t any easier to admit to David than it had been to Joe. For a minute, I let myself remember everything I’d worked so hard to forget. The way he’d grabbed my hands so I couldn’t leave and pinned them behind my back. How he’d thrown me on the bed as if I weighed nothing and the weight of his body on top of me as I struggled against him. The tear of my panties as he ripped them off me from underneath the new dress I was wearing.

  “I don’t believe you,” David spat. “I don’t believe a word you have to say. Pretty convenient to cry rape.”

  “David!” Robin cried.

  “What?” David turned to her. “She’s a fuckin liar. Everything about her is a lie.”

  “I’m sorry, David. I’m so sorry. It was all my fault.” I reached over the table to grab his hands. He yanked them away, pushing back in his chair.

  “Damn right, it’s your fault. Don’t think I feel bad for you for one second.” Venomous hate filled every word.

  “David!” Robin cried again.

  “I’m done. I’ve heard enough. You can listen to her stories, but I’m not. I’m outta here.” He got up again. Robin looked torn.

  “I’ll meet you at the car,” she said.

  “Don’t worry about it. I’ll catch a cab.”

  Just like that he was gone leaving Robin sitting by herself. I crumbled in my chair weeping. Where was his compassion? Joe put his arm around me.

  “Shh. Shh. It’s going to be okay,” he said.

  Robin stared at us as if she was watching a movie. “It is kind of hard to believe. How could you not tell me?”

  “Robin, I swear. I’m telling the truth. I didn’t have an affair. He raped me. You have to understand what this is like.”

  Back in college, she’d gone to a party, gotten wasted, and her date assaulted her in one of the bedrooms. The only thing that saved her from getting raped was the fraternity guy who walked into the bedroom as he was wrestling with her on the bed. I’d walked her through the process of reporting him to campus security and the police. Nobody had believed her and nothing happened to the guy who tried to rape her. They’d dismissed her claims and told her it was st
upid college fun. They’d lectured her about watching how much she drank at fraternity parties. Her own mother had been the worst. She’d told her that’s what happened to girls who got drunk at parties.

  I saw the truth register in her eyes. She knew exactly what I was referring to.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I couldn’t. I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want it to have happened. I kept telling myself if I pretended it didn’t happen, then it’d eventually go away. I told myself it wasn’t that bad and hadn’t affected me. I did everything in my power not to think about it. I couldn’t talk about it because talking about it made it real and I didn’t want it to be real.”

  “How did you work with him every day?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I have no idea. It was like I had a switch I turned off whenever I was around him.”

  “Did you know he was Rori’s dad?”

  “No.” I hung my head. “I know it sounds stupid and childish, but I refused to consider the possibility that she could be his. I wanted her to be David’s so badly and she could’ve been, but it was always there in the back of my head. It was why it was so hard for me to connect with Rori. There was a part of me that knew she could be his. That she was part monster.”

  It was the first time I’d said it out loud. I’d never been able to fully erase it from my consciousness despite my denial and repression. At the very periphery of my awareness, I knew there was a possibility she’d been conceived in that hideous moment, that his spawn had been planted inside of me, and she carried it. I couldn’t love her because she might be part of him and I hated him.

  “Wow. I don’t know what to say.”

  “You don’t have to say anything.”

  “Why’d you run? Why didn’t you just come clean?” she asked.

  “I wasn’t running because of that. I was running because I thought I’d killed Phil,” I said.

  Her eyes grew big. “What are you talking about? Is that why you had blood all over your clothes?”

  “Yes. I don’t actually know what happened. I was wasted that day–”

  “You were wasted?”

  “Yes. I know it’s hard to believe, but I didn’t know what to do. I was so confused and out of my mind. I really was. I got a bottle and went to one of the sleazy hotels in Hollywood. I drank all day long.” It felt surreal like I was telling her a story about somebody else. My voice was robotic as I recounted the details. “I had to call Phil because of Rori. So I did and he came to the hotel. I have no idea what happened when he got there. I must’ve blacked out. All I know is I came to and he was in a bloody mess on the hotel floor. His head was bashed in and he had stab wounds all over him. I checked his pulse. There wasn’t one when I felt it, but I guess he was alive. I must’ve checked wrong or maybe I was so out of it I couldn’t tell, I have no idea.”