3 Granny Snows A Sneak

by Julie Seedorf

  Franklin decided it was time to step in. “Hermiony, quit giving Thor a bad time and just tell us what you did downtown in this blizzard, and how you happened to be driving a snowmobile so that you ran over your dead husband.”

  “You two certainly have a way with words,” said Granny. “I walked downtown in the underground streets to Graves Mortuary. Mr. Graves gave me a ride on his snowmobile to the Pink Percolator to see Delight. I enjoyed the ride on the snowmobile so much that, after a little forethought, I decided to buy my own snowmobile. You won’t let me have my car, Franklin, because my new garage is not built yet, and so I can’t come and go as I please.” Granny turned to Franklin with a disapproving glance.

  “That’s the idea,” Franklin mumbled. “Keeps you out of trouble,” he added under his breath.

  “What did you say, Franklin? I didn’t quite catch that.”

  “Go on, Mom,” Thor urged.

  “Yes, go on,” said Franklin. “I want to hear the part where Silas Crickett ended up on the snowmobile with you. Was he driving?”

  “That old sourpuss,” exclaimed Granny, “I wouldn’t let him drive my trike, let alone my snowmobile. They would both break down from his irreparable grouchiness. I was driving.”

  “And Silas was with you why?” Franklin coaxed.

  “He hopped on the back at the last minute. Said he knew I locked the door on him so he couldn’t use my house to get to his house and he wasn’t going to walk.”

  “So, Mom,” Thor asked with a bit of hesitation, “I’m not sure I want to know this, but I have to ask, why did you go home by way of the cemetery and take the dangerous leap off of the ramp you built for the shysters?”

  “Well, um––um.” Granny turned around with her back to Thor and in a muffled voice answered, “I didn’t want you to see me.”

  “What did you say, Mom?” Thor asked, leaning in to hear better.

  “Yes, Hermiony, what did you say?” Franklin said with one eyebrow raised because he had heard her answer.

  “We should be worrying about your dear departed father being snatched from his grave and thrown into my backyard. You don’t suppose he didn’t really die and he was alive and was trying to get to me, do you?” Granny rambled.

  Franklin and Thor gave Granny the look.

  “Um, weren’t you with him when he died?” Thor reminded her.

  A shadow of the past ran through Granny’s head as she remembered covering Ferdinand’s head for a few minutes after he died and donning her mini-skirt and taking a twirl, before announcing his death. She remembered the moment of his death being the start of her new life.

  “Well, maybe it was his ghost. He’s come back to haunt me.” Granny said in an alarmed voice.

  “Drink your wine, Mom. I’ll be back tomorrow. I have to interview Silas Crickett right now. Oh, and you better call off your security team. Mavis and George are peering out their window trying to figure out what is going on. Go on! Wave to them!” Thor remarked as he walked out the front door.

  Granny stuck her head out into the cold and the wind and snow, and waved at Mavis and George. Mavis and George were Granny’s neighbors. Although they were around Granny’s age, she considered them more elderly than she was, and felt she always had to look out for them. Thor was currently renting George’s house, which was right next door to Mavis’ house, because George was living with Mavis. They were trying out their relationship. Mavis had helped Granny solve the most recent shenanigans going on in Fuchsia. Mavis liked reality shows and had had a great time pretending she was in one all the time she was helping Granny. Granny waved at George and Mavis and made a motion with her hand that she would call them soon before turning back into the house and her living room to face Franklin.

  “You had better call your daughters and tell them what happened before the newspapers pick it up,” Franklin advised. “At least they won’t be able to hightail it over here because the highways are closed because of the blizzard. I might not even be able to save you from this.” With a twinkle in his eye, Franklin continued in a teasing tone, “You might want to decide which wrinkle farm you might want to reside in. That snowmobile trick and running over your children’s dead father might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.”

  Granny gave Franklin a withering look before replying, “How was I to know that Ferdinand had decided to throw his deteriorated body into the snow at my doorstep. I think I’ll let Thor break the news to my children. They might not believe me. But then, who could make up a tale like that? What would I tell them anyway? ‘I’m sorry but your dad decided he didn’t like being buried anymore, and he decided to visit. I was as surprised as you are when I ran into him?’ I think not. I am going into seclusion and think this through. You better leave, Franklin, before you get drifted in, unless of course you want to borrow my new snowmobile to see how much fun it is.”

  Franklin peered at Granny through skeptical eyes. He knew Granny well enough to know that when she wanted to be alone, trouble was always around the corner. That is what he liked about her. She drove him crazy and made his life interesting. He hadn’t had so much fun since he had lived in New York City and had caught the Blue Diamond Stalker. The Blue Diamond Stalker was a very cunning woman, Franklin recalled, but nothing could hold a candle to his Hermiony Vidalia Criony Fiddlestadt.

  “You’re right; I need to go down to the station anyway and see if my detective skills can help Thor out.” Franklin answered.

  “You do that. Find out how Ferdinand’s body ended up in my yard in the winter time with the ground frozen. I didn’t bury him in a heated casket.” Granny held the door open for Franklin, as he kissed her on the cheek, ready to walk out the door.

  “You let us figure this out, Hermiony, and you put your mind on the double wedding we are going to have on December 26 with Thor and Heather. After all, we just celebrated Thanksgiving, and Christmas isn’t too far away,” Franklin reminded Granny before disappearing into the snowstorm.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Granny decided it must be time for a bowl of ice cream. She needed to think. As she got her ice cream out of the fridge, she also got some yogurt and veggies out and filled the shysters’ bowls. Baskerville was the first out of the bedroom and stuck his big nose in the fridge as Granny was grabbing the yogurt. He pulled his own steak out onto the floor. Granny decided not to chastise him as it was probably a hard day for the animals, too, with all the commotion in the back yard. Fish, Little White Poodle, Furball and Tank weren’t too far behind Baskerville. Instead of heading for their bowls, they headed out the pet door.

  Must have finally had to go, Granny thought. When Granny didn’t see Mrs. Bleaty, she headed to the bedroom to see what mischief the goat had gotten into. Granny started laughing out loud when she saw Mrs. Bleaty lolling on her bed with Granny’s Sexy Granny and I Know It, nightie draped over her while chewing on the book Fifty Shades of Gray.

  Granny glanced over to the closet and saw that she must have left a crack in her secret cubby in her closet, and Mrs. Bleaty had found it, edged it open and dragged out the stash, making herself comfortable on Granny’s bed. As Granny walked over to Mrs. Bleaty and took away the nightie and the book, she threatened the goat. “I can see that it is time for you to have your own home. Perhaps we should find you a Mr. Bleaty.”

  Granny walked back to her kitchen and was about to eat her melted ice cream when the doorbell rang. Granny impatiently moved to the door and threw the door open. “Now what?”

  “Sorry, Granny, but we couldn’t wait any longer,” Mavis said as she and George stomped into the house tromping snow all over the floor. Taking off their snow boots and hanging their coats in the closet next to the door, the two walked in and sat down so fast they almost knocked Granny down as they whisked past her. Baskerville hurried over and lapped up the snow on the floor with his tongue. “Now tell us what’s going on.”

  Granny related the entire story to them, about how she had wanted to get out for the day, used the u
nderground streets, got a ride from Mr. Graves on his snowmobile, visited with Delight, bought a snowmobile, and ran over a dead body in her backyard that turned out to be her dead husband that was found when Silas Crickett fell off of the snowmobile.

  “Silas Crickett?” Mavis interrupted, “How and when did he get involved in this?”

  “Yah,” George chirped, looking confused. “All of a sudden, he falls off your snowmobile. When did he get on?”

  Granny straightened up her back and answered, “Well, that ornery old man busted into my house early this morning and streaked through the living room to the basement and out my door to the underground streets.”

  “Streaked?” Mavis shrieked and started laughing at the thought. “It’s a little cold to streak in this weather.”

  Granny looked askance at Mavis. “Ooh, no…..not that; he had his clothes on. I mean he ran through my house. He is the most ornery, cantankerous person I have ever met.”

  George gave Granny a knowing look. “Did he wink at you?”

  “I think he’s such a gentleman. I don’t know what you could mean by cantankerous, Granny,” Mavis added, with a twinkle in her eye.

  At that moment, the pet door banged open and all four shysters came running in, covered with snow, stopping in front of where Mavis, George and Granny were sitting. The snow flew around the room sending globs of wet mush right into their faces.

  Mavis, wiping her face and eyes with her neck scarf, asked, “How do they know the body was your dead husband?”

  “Yah, how do they know?” George echoed Mavis.

  “Thor said the clothes on the body matched the clothes that Ferdinand was buried in. Then Baskerville dumped the bow tie in my lap that old Silas picked up when he uncovered the body. It was Ferdinand’s all right.”

  George stood up and held out his hand to Mavis. “Time to go; it’s almost supper time and you know we have a Cooks in the Kitchen show planned.” George was referring to their pretend reality show. Mavis had passed her love of drama on to George after he fell in love with her.

  Mavis took George’s hand and stood up. She held back as George opened the door letting the crisp air in. Whispering to Granny she said, “I know you’ll be investigating. Let me know if I can help.” To George she said, “Looks like the snowstorm is letting up. Do you want to make snow angels on the way home?”

  Granny closed the door after them and looked at the clock on the wall. It was almost 6:00 p.m. She hadn’t noticed that darkness had fallen. Pretty soon it would be December 21 and the days would start getting longer again. Granny decided she had had enough excitement for the day. Since Fish, Little White Poodle, Furball and Tank, along with Baskerville and Mrs. Bleaty, hadn’t gone for their daily scamper around the town last night and their time at Franklin’s, Granny wondered if they would stay in out of the cold for another night.

  It was November 30th, only a few weeks until Thor and Heather would be married. Only a few weeks until she and Franklin would be married. Franklin’s proposal last fall had been a surprise. After all, Granny had only made him her pretend fiancé so her kids wouldn’t worry about her and want her to move in with them or send her to the wrinkle farm, if she had Franklin there to watch out for her. Then Thor decided to move to Fuchsia right across the street from Granny, so the pretend fiancé thing hadn’t been necessary at all. Apparently, however, Franklin had taken it seriously and had proposed after a drug ring and a bunch of murderers had been apprehended with Granny’s help.

  Thor’s announcement was the surprise of the century. Secretly, he had been engaged to Franklin’s daughter, Heather. Granny hadn’t seen that one coming. She thought Thor was after a certain hussy––and he was––but not in the way Granny had thought. Now Thor was marrying Heather, and Heather’s daughter, Angelique, Franklin’s granddaughter, would be Granny’s grandchild too. It was a mixed up web, and at times, Granny felt like she was the one who was caught in it.

  Granny forgot that she had forgotten to cover her snowmobile. Fred Runner had said that she should do that. She was the first to admit that she didn’t know much about snowmobiles, but they had made it home alive and that was what counted, and riding the snowmobile had made Granny feel alive! Granny thought about the thrill of the wind, the smell of the crisp winter day, the fluffy snow that had flown up around her as she wove around the streets––and she smiled.

  Stuffing her feet into her boots, putting on her bomber hat, and pink coat, and grabbing her flashlight, Granny called to the shysters to come along with her as she opened the door and stepped out into the winter night. She grabbed the snow shovel that sat by the door in case she needed to shovel the snow off the machine. Walking around to the back of the house, she stopped by the temporary storage shed that Thor had built after her garage had burned down, so she would have somewhere to store her lawn mower and snow blower. She knew she had a tarp that she could use to cover her snowmobile temporarily until she could buy a cover.

  Grabbing the tarp, Granny plowed through the snow and deep drifts to get to where she had left the snowmobile. She looked around. There was no snowmobile. She shone the flashlight around the yard. No snowmobile.

  Granny made her way to the front yard and shone the flashlight around the front yard. No snowmobile. Had Thor or Franklin taken it? Granny turned to walk up the steps onto her porch and into her house to call them when she heard a noise across the street.

  The snow had quit falling and it now was a crisp, beautiful night with the moon reflecting off the snow, brightening the darkness. Granny looked toward where she heard the noise. Someone was starting a snowmobile. It was Silas Crickett and it was her snowmobile he was starting––in his yard!

  Still holding the shovel, Granny proceeded across the street to what used to be Sally Katilda’s house. As she got closer to Silas and the snowmobile, she lowered her shovel and picked up a shovel full of snow. Silas, busy examining the running snowmobile, didn’t hear or see Granny approach him. Granny raised the shovel and dumped the entire scoop of wet snow on Silas’s head.

  As Silas was recovering from the snow avalanche that had been dumped on his head, Granny reached over and pulled the key from the snowmobile, silencing it.

  “You thief! You no good, snowmobile-stealing thief! Don’t move or this…or this shovel will come down on your head, you cantankerous, ornery, thieving old man! I’m calling the cops.” Granny reached for her alarm that she was used to carrying in her pocket when she had worked for the merchants of Fuchsia, only to remember that Thor had taken it, thus putting an end to her undercover security job.

  Still holding the shovel over Silas’s head, she then reached for her cell phone. It wasn’t in her pocket either. She had forgotten it in her house.

  ‘“Ornery? You’re calling me ornery? Get that shovel away from my head! I’m calling the cops! You attacked me! You’re going to the hoosegow.” Silas started to reach for the shovel.

  Granny lifted the shovel higher to bring it down on Silas’s head, when she felt the shovel being taken out of her hand from behind.

  CHAPTER SIX

  “What do you think you are doing?” Thor asked his mother as he set the shovel down on Silas Crickett’s driveway.

  “Where did you come from?” demanded Granny. “I’m glad you’re here. Arrest him, he stole my snowmobile.”

  Thor gave a big sigh. “He didn’t steal your snowmobile; he was fixing it. He does part-time work at Runner’s Skids and Skis. He’s fixing it after you used it for ramp diving.”

  “Just a few things needed straightening out,” said Silas. “And, Hermiony, I do know what I’m doing. They use them harder than this in Alaska where I had my shop.” Silas gave Granny a withering look before telling Thor, “I won’t press charges this time. I realize she’s a confused old lady.”

  At the word old, Granny tried to pick up the shovel again, but Thor had it stuck deep in the snow and was still holding on to it.

  “I was just coming over to talk to you,” he said, “
when I saw you tromping through the snow to get to Silas.”

  “Haven’t you seen enough of me today?” Granny asked Thor. “Don’t you want to go kiss Heather? I’m sure she’s missing you.”

  Thor grabbed Granny’s arm to escort her back across the street to her house. A loud voice came out of nowhere, “Unhand her this minute! Unhand her this minute!” As Thor turned to see where the voice was coming from, a large gray bird with specks of red under his tail flew out the door of the house that Silas had left open, and landed on Thor’s head. Just as the bird landed, the side window that Granny had turned into a door on her house so Baskerville could come and go, popped open. Seeing the gray bird on Thor’s head, Baskerville made a mad dash for Thor as Thor was trying to get the bird off his head. Coming from a dead start in the deep snow, Baskerville hit Thor head on, knocking him into Silas. Silas, who had been standing by the snowmobile, fell over the snowmobile, landing on the other side in the deep snow. Thor ended up on top of the snowmobile with the bird still attached to the cap on his head. Granny jumped on top of Baskerville as he came back down from jumping on Thor. Granny and Baskerville were now lying in the snow next to the snowmobile. The gray bird was still shouting “Unhand her! Unhand her!”

  Hearing all the noise, Mavis looked out her window. Seeing the bodies on the ground, she snapped a picture through her window before running through her front door and out into the fray. She grabbed the gray bird off Thor’s head. “Hi, Mavis,” the bird said as it gave Mavis a little peck on her nose.

  “You know this bird?” Thor asked as he checked his head to make sure it wasn’t spouting blood.

  “Of course she does. Mavis is one of Radish’s favorite people. Isn’t that right, Radish?” Silas answered for Mavis.

  “This is Radish? The Radish you are always going on about when you’re complaining that my animals are always trying to eat Radish?” Granny confronted Silas while still using her full weight to keep Baskerville on the ground. Radish flew off Mavis and tweaked Baskerville on the nose before flying back into the house. Silas followed Radish, turned, and said to the group, “Been nice. See you soon, Mavis.” With a wink at Mavis, he closed the door on the watchers.