3 Granny Snows A Sneak

by Julie Seedorf

  Granny dropped Franklin’s hand, jumped back, and faced Pastor Snicks. “It’s you, and you’re the murderer and the grave robber!” She held her bouquet in front of her pointing it at Pastor Snicks. Your watch. It’s missing its crystal; you were there that day. You tried to murder me, too!”

  Pastor Snicks dropped his wedding book and moved behind the pulpit. Franklin stared wide-eyed at Hermiony. Whispers mingled in the church at Granny’s outburst.

  Pastor Snicks reached for something on the pulpit shelf then brought out a gun as Granny was moving toward him just as Franklin was trying to stop Granny. Pastor Snicks fired his gun. Granny heard a yelp and turned to see Franklin hit the floor. People moved for cover. The shysters were ready to attack, but were held back by Granny’s daughters who were afraid the animals would be shot.

  Baskerville and Mrs. Bleaty, too, were down on the floor caught between Franklin and Thor.

  At the same time, Pastor Snicks moved forward, grabbing Granny, moving her backwards with an arm around her neck, pointing the gun at her, while informing those in the congregation, “Don’t move or she’ll be dead, not wed.” With Granny in tow, he moved toward the room off the sanctuary and the side door leading to the outside. Still holding the gun on Granny, he made his way out of the church, making sure no one was following. There was only barking and bleating at the closed door.

  Granny, still holding her bouquet, protested, “I don’t have boots! It’s cold! We need coats; we’ll freeze!” trying to get her captor to loosen his grip. “You’ll never get away with this. Franklin and Thor will come after you.”

  “Franklin’s down for the count; someone shot him,” Pastor Snicks said in a snide tone, “and Thor, well, I guess you couldn’t see but he had a small accident as he tried to follow us.”

  “What did you do to my son?” Granny struggled in his arms but then she felt the gun in her side.

  Pastor Snicks led Granny through the falling snow to the parking lot. Seeing Granny’s Corvette parked near the church, he led her over to the car. Keeping one arm still around Granny, he opened the car door. “How convenient; they left the keys in the car. Fuchsia residents are so trusting.” Granny could hear the sneer in his voice before he thrust her into the driver’s seat and, still holding a gun on her through the windshield, got in next to her in the passenger side.

  “Now drive.”

  “Me? You want me to drive in this weather?”

  “Don’t argue, drive,” he commanded, throwing the keys in her lap and pressing the gun to her neck.

  “Where?”

  “To your house to get the key and don’t get stuck.”

  “This car doesn’t have four-wheel drive or even front-wheel drive and here’s a little more information––it doesn’t have snow tires. We’re gonna get stuck.”

  Glancing back at the church, he nudged her with the gun. “Faster. Go through the cemetery. We’ll park there and go over the fence on the ramp. You can give me the key and I’ll make use of your snowmobile. In between, I’ll deposit you in your crypt and by the time they find you, I’ll be long gone.”

  Granny slowly made her way to the outside of Fuchsia and the street leading to the cemetery.

  “I like you, Granny. I wish I didn’t have to do this but you got in the way.”

  “How did you know I had the key and how did you know about the key?” Granny asked, trying to distract him so he’d take the gun away from her throat. “I saw Angel playing with the purse and the key when they were at your house decorating. I stopped by to talk about the wedding.”

  “Let me go; I’ll help you get the money.”

  “You’ll help me, no doubt about that, but then I think the crypt will be all yours. It might be warmer than the weather outside with you having no coat and boots.”

  “Pastor...your title somehow doesn’t fit with a life of crime.”

  “Faster,” he nudged her with the gun.

  “If I go any faster, I’ll be going slower, such as in stop, we’ll be stuck. How did you get into this?”

  “Fell in love. I was living and working in Fish in a jewelry store when this tombstone dude, Delbert Delure and his wife, were casing the joint for a robbery. Of course, I didn’t know that they were casing the joint for a robbery. She batted her eyes at me and I was hooked. Told me her husband was a traveling salesman and she was lonely. I started seeing her undercover when he was out of town. She convinced me we could be rich so I teamed up with her and her husband and we made some pretty good heists. He had no idea I was in love with his wife. Come to find out, this Delbert Delure fellow had two wives. The other one lived in Fuchsia.”

  “Delbert Delure had two wives at the same time?” Granny’s shock at the revelation made her put her foot on the brake. The car fishtailed just as it reached the entrance to the Fuchsia cemetery, gently hitting the metal building that housed the caretaker’s equipment.

  Granny felt the gun against at her neck. “Can’t you drive? Now you’ve done it, we’re stuck. Get out!”

  “In this snow, with no boots and no coat?” Granny feigned alarm, “How far do you think we’ll get?”

  Pastor Snicks looked around, trying to come up with an idea.

  The snow was coming down and blowing so hard it was impossible to see even the entrance to the cemetery.

  “Finish the story; at least I’ll know why I became a stiff.” Granny wiped a pretend tear from her eye.

  “It’s not going to help to cry. Delbert stashed his money and the jewels in his huge tombstone every time he came home to see his wife in Fuchsia until he ran out of room. Then he hid the rest in the base of the large sign for We Save You Christian Church––his tombstone company had also erected that large sign. Delbert made sure a hole was dug in the ground and a false bottom was put in the base with a hidden door. He stashed the rest of our money there. If we didn’t spend it right away no one would know. We were patient; we could wait for our money but then––Delbert told his wife who lived in Fish that he had a wife in Fuchsia. He had told his Fish wife he was stashing the money in a storage vault on the edge of Fish but he wasn’t because he didn’t trust her. Only I knew about the tombstone stash. We had just hit another bank and made a big haul. Delbert took it back to Fuchsia, hid it, and came back to Fish. By this time, I was over my big love for his wife. She wasn’t to be trusted, but I loved the money and I knew where the key was.”

  Granny shivered from the cold seeping into the warm car, and looked over her shoulder beyond the gun pointed at her to see if anyone was coming to help her. “Did you kill Delbert?”

  “No; once his Fish wife found out about his Fuchsia wife, she offed him. Knifed him and knocked him right into that motorcycle. She thought she’d get all the money. I saw her do it and decided it was time for me to scram so I came to Fuchsia as a pastor.”

  Granny couldn’t see anyone in the blowing snow. She was on her own. She had to rescue herself. The police cars were probably stuck, too, and who would know they were here. Pastor Snicks, having the chance to finally unburden himself, couldn’t seem to quit talking.

  “I could be patient for all that money and that jewelry. I was already a pastor. That’s all my parents had ever talked about––me becoming pastor and so I had gone to seminary to please them. Worked in the jewelry store after seminary because I wasn’t sure the holy life was for me, but after seeing Delbert die, I changed my mind. I wanted to put the past behind me and do something good for a change. I could have my money and still help people. So I became your pastor and since pastors don’t make a lot of money, I used the key that Delbert gave me to help myself to a little extra cash from time to time, saving the big money for retirement. And then I lost the key!”

  “And I found the key! I know this part, but how did the money get into my husband’s grave? Don’t you think you could put that gun down? Us being friends and all,” Granny suggested.

  The gun fixed firmly on Granny as Pastor Snicks continued, “As you may recall, Delbert and
your husband weren’t buried right away after they died.”

  “I do remember. I wanted to get it over with, but Ferdinand’s brothers had to be here and so we waited a week.”

  And Delbert’s body wasn’t brought to Fuchsia for a week due to the time the paperwork involved,” Pastor Snicks added. “I was interviewing. I hightailed it straight to Fuchsia when Delbert died and saw there was an opening for a pastor. During my interview, they brought me over to meet Giles Graves and he gave me a tour of the funeral home. I was in town when they brought the bodies back. Giles brought me back into the room where they kept the caskets and I got the bright idea of putting the money in a casket and putting it into a crypt where I could get to it when I decided to retire.”

  “Why did you pick me?” Granny sat up straight in her seat, forgetting there was a gun pointed at her.

  “Ferdinand’s papers happened to be lying in Graves’s office when we were visiting and I got the idea. I asked him how one bought a crypt and he brought out the papers to show me, since he was on the council at the church, as it was pretty certain I was going to be a pastor with the other clergy at the church. When he wasn’t looking, I slipped them into your papers and when you finalized the papers for your husband, you signed them and bought yourself a crypt.”

  He looked around in a worried manner. “That’s enough talk, we need to get out of here.” He waved the gun in her face.

  “Wait, you haven’t told me yet how the money ended up in Ferdinand’s grave.”

  “I guess you’ll never know; we’ve wasted enough time. We have to go before they find us.”

  Granny tried to buy more time. “They put my shovel cane in the trunk when we went to the church. We forgot to take it out. You can shovel our way out.”

  Pointing the gun back at Granny, he instructed, “Pull the latch for the trunk. Don’t try anything funny.” Granny reached down and popped the latch to the trunk. When the trunk popped open, Pastor Snicks motioned with the gun for Granny to get out of the car, at the same time getting out himself, keeping the gun trained on Granny. He motioned her toward the back of the car. Granny held on to her flowers as she moved slowly toward the trunk.

  “Hold on to those flowers, Granny; they’ll look nice on your grave.” Still keeping the gun on Granny, he took the shovel cane out of the trunk and set it on the side of the car. He motioned for Granny to get in.

  “You’re going to lock me in the trunk? I’ll freeze, but I guarantee it’ll be warm where you’re going to end up when it’s time for your epitaph.” Granny spit the words out as she skewered him with a warning look.

  Granny moved to comply with his command, keeping an eye on his gun. As she was ready to climb into the trunk, she pretended to slip in the snow, catching the crooked reverend off guard. As she went down, her bouquet went up and the pointed knitting needle in the middle of the flowers hit the reverend’s hand that held the gun, puncturing a hole in the skin. He lost his grip and the gun went tumbling to the ground.

  Granny scrambled for her shovel, then heard the roar of a snowmobile. Pastor Snicks had recovered and was moving toward Granny as Granny was moving toward the shelter of the shed. A shadow moved closer through the blowing snow. Pastor Snicks turned to see a snowmobile coming straight at him. He turned, and plowed through the snow, slipping and sliding for the shelter of the shed. The snowmobile advanced. Granny picked up her shovel and moved aside for the snowmobile, which came to rest near the metal building ready to make Pastor Snicks a shiny decoration. .

  Granny caught up to the snowmobile and Pastor Snicks, lifted her shovel, and tapped hard on the metal roof of the shed. “No!” Pastor Snicks exclaimed while staring at the snowmobile that was keeping him immovable. Hearing the rumble, he looked up to see––a large wall of snow sliding off the roof, over the side. It hit with softness and heaviness, encompassing his entire body, knocking him to the ground, leaving his body covered as the snowmobile moved away now that he was trapped by the snow.

  Granny looked up from her catch to see the twinkling eyes of Silas Crickett through the falling snow. “Hi there, Red!”

  With an answering gleam in her eyes, she asked, “What took you so long?”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

  When Granny made it back to We Save You Christian Church, after catching a ride with the Fuchsia snow plow, the first thing she did was find Franklin. “I knew they couldn’t keep a good man down,” Granny said gruffly.

  “It’s just a flesh wound. Thank God, you’re okay!” Franklin stood up and grabbed Granny in a big bear hug.

  “Where’s Thor? Pastor Snicks said he had an accident,” Granny asked.

  “He’s fine,” Penelope assured her. “When Pastor Snicks shot Franklin, Franklin toppled on top of Thor before he could catch Franklin and Thor went down, too, and broke his ankle. He’s at the hospital.” Penelope burst into tears and hugged her mother. “I thought you were dead.”

  “Well, I’m not dead and I’m not wed, thanks to Pastor Snicks.”

  “We had to call the street department to help the police department. We all got stuck coming after you.”

  Chuckling, Granny remembered the scene. “They got there right after Silas called. Imagine Snickers’ surprise to see policemen jumping out of snow plows and arresting him.”

  Loud barking and screeching erupted from the back of the church. Mavis and Delight, having just heard that Granny was back, came running down the aisle with the shysters, Baskerville and Mrs. Bleaty following. They both grabbed Granny at the same time and were talking so fast Granny couldn’t understand a word they were saying. Little White Poodle and Tank got into the act, jumping on Granny while Fish and Furball jumped on Franklin’s lap and licked his face. Mrs. Bleaty nudged Granny’s hand and gave it a good lick. Baskerville plunked himself down beside her and howled until she turned and gave him a hug.

  “One at a time,” Granny yelled as she held up her hands trying to get her friends to calm down.

  “Did you get him?” Mavis asked.

  “How did you figure out it was him?” George questioned.

  “I can’t believe Pastor Snicks wanted you for himself so much that he kidnapped you from your wedding. Who knew he was in love with you!” Delight shook her head.

  “He wasn’t in love with Granny, Delight,” said a voice from the back of the church. “He was the one who was digging up the graves.” Silas gave Granny a look before he continued.

  “Maybe you should sit down, Delight.” Granny took her over to sit next to Franklin, whispering to Franklin, “We have to help her through this.”

  “Why am I sitting?”

  Silas continued, “Delight, your husband not only sold grave stones, but he was a bank robber and a jewel thief.” Silas paused as he looked to Granny. “And he didn’t have a former wife, he had another wife at the same time he was married to you.”

  Granny looked at Delight to see how she was taking the news.

  Calmly, Delight nodded, “Go on.”

  Thor or my son, Ephraim,” said Silas, “would fill you all in on this if they were here, but Thor is getting his ankle taken care of. He’s given me permission to fill you in as has my son, who is snowed in up by the prison. He’s been kept up to date on the investigation. Delbert hid the money here in Fuchsia.”

  Delight bravely looked Silas straight in the eye, waiting for him to finish. Franklin moved over a little, putting his arm around Delight as if to shield her from more bad news.

  “Did he tell you how the money got to be in Ferdinand’s grave? Was Ferdinand a part of this?” Granny stood up taller waiting for the answer.

  “No, that was a fluke. After visiting the funeral home that day, he waited until dark and retrieved the money from underneath the sign by the church. Apparently, Giles Graves was a little tipsy and so Pastor Snicks was able to steal an extra key and get back into the funeral home, and put the money in the extra casket sitting between Ferdinand and Delbert. He sealed it. He had stashed his van outside and was goi
ng to move the casket to the mausoleum–he also stole that key––when he got interrupted by Mr. Graves who’d come down to put the epitaphs on the caskets. If you remember, that’s when things got switched.”

  Franklin interjected, “I see where you’re going here. Graves put the epitaphs on the wrong caskets because he moved the notes that had been taped to the top. Ferdinand’s epitaph got put on the casket with the money, Delbert’s epitaph got put on Ferdinand’s casket and the casket that didn’t have the epitaph but mistakenly had Delbert’s body in it got put in Granny’s crypt.”

  “You got it,” Silas chimed in. “That was his retirement money but he panicked when he lost the key to Delbert’s tombstone and couldn’t get his money out of the tombstone so he decided to get the money out of Granny’s crypt.”

  Mavis piped in, “It’s a good thing Granny didn’t die and need her crypt.”

  That statement earned a glare from Granny.

  “When he broke into the crypt because he couldn’t find the key, he found Delbert’s body and you know the rest.”

  Delight, still sitting quietly, looked up at Granny. “Who was Delbert’s other wife?”

  Frowning, Silas looked at Granny. “Maybe you better sit down, Red.”

  Granny glared at Silas at the name he’d called her, but sat down on the other side of Franklin anyway.

  “Delbert’s other wife was none other than Gram Gramstead, otherwise known as ….”

  Granny broke in, “I know, I know; we all know her real name but we don’t have to say it. We’ll just leave her as Gram. Delbert was married to Gram! Then she is the one tormenting me.”

  Silas shook his head. “No, that’s what Pastor Snicks wanted you to think. He learned his tricks from her: the perfume, the car. He knew all her little tricks because while she was in town, he was secretly seeing her.”

  Franklin put his other arm around Granny, saying nothing as he was still trying to process the news.