Delay of Game

by Catherine Gayle

  The boys? Just how many of them had been here? That meant one good thing, though—that meant Cam was gone, at least for now. He couldn’t come barging in here, forcing me to have the nurse kick him out.

  “You should really go home, Daddy. There’s nothing for you to do here but worry.” Nothing but make me feel like crying again, at least. The longer he sat there beside me, the more it built within me. He knew how much I hated getting emotional. He and I were both far more comfortable being pissed off about something than we were about letting our feelings out. That was how we’d always dealt with things, and I saw no reason to change it now.

  “There’s nothing for me to do at home but worry, either,” he said. “But…why don’t you let Cam come and sit here with you, and I’ll see if Dana will take me home?”

  Cam? He shouldn’t be here still. He should be gone with the rest of the guys. “You said the boys all left for practice.”

  “The rest of them did. The coaches and Jim and I all talked about it, and we agreed that he was needed here a lot more than he needed another day of practice.”

  “Hell of a lot of good he’ll do anyone sitting around in the waiting room. He’s not coming in here with me.” If he wasn’t at practice with the boys, then he should be with his family. They’d come all the way from Winnipeg to see him. And to meet me. I quickly brushed that thought away.

  Daddy stared at me for a long time, giving me the sense that he was waiting to see if I’d break. I couldn’t break. I was already broken.

  “Well, be that as it may, I sincerely doubt he’ll be leaving this hospital until you do.”

  “It wasn’t his baby,” I blurted out. “He wasn’t the father. He was just trying to protect me.” I was so shocked that I’d said it that I sucked in a breath and held it. What was I doing? Why would I tell Daddy now?

  “I know that,” he said after what felt like an eternity.

  “You knew? How could you have known?”

  “I never believed the story he fed me about dating you behind my back. Not even for a second. Cam might not always follow the rules someone else tells him he has to follow, but he has his own code, and he sticks to it. He’s a stand-up man.” Daddy took my hand. “There are a lot of men who would run for the hills if a woman they were interested in was pregnant with someone else’s baby. He didn’t. He ran straight for you without any sort of an escape plan. That told me he wanted you—all of you—no matter what else that entailed. This baby might not be his, but he wants it to be his. Because he wants you, and he loves you. And he’s hurting just as much as you are right now. Maybe not physically. But in here.” He tapped his other hand over his heart. “Where it matters—that’s where he hurts. And that’s why he’s not going to leave, baby girl. Because for him, there’s nothing in this world that’s capable of easing that hurt but you, and I’m pretty sure there’s nothing in the world that can ease the hurt inside you but him.”

  He carefully got up from the chair and squeezed my hand before releasing it. “Dana, how about that ride home? I can help you put together a bag to bring back for her.”

  “Of course,” she said. The two of them got up and left. I was tempted to throw my pillow in frustration, but then I would be without a pillow. Plus, it would probably just cause me more pain. Damn it.

  EVEN THOUGH SARA still refused to let me in to be with her, I didn’t leave the hospital. I couldn’t. The thought of being anywhere else while she was going through something like this, even though she wouldn’t let me go through it with her, tore me up in ways I had never imagined before.

  I had hoped she would have let me come back while Dana was taking Scotty home, but that didn’t happen. She asked the nurse to keep me out of her room, as she would rather be alone than talk to me.

  Mom, the girls, and Dylan stayed with me most of the day. They’d come to Portland to spend time with me, after all, though it wasn’t turning into a very good visit. Part of me wished they hadn’t come at all, but really, I was glad they were here. They kept me grounded. They kept me sane. Dylan, in particular, was proving to be more than what I’d expected him to be. He didn’t try to make me talk about any of it like Cadence wanted me to do. He didn’t hover like Mom. He didn’t look at me like I was going to blow at any moment like Chloe and Corinne did. He was just there, a steady presence when I felt like the rug had been ripped out from beneath me and tossed over my head for good measure.

  Several of the guys came back after practice and brought us lunch so we wouldn’t have to eat cafeteria food. When Noelle arrived in the early afternoon, she went up to sit with Sara for a while so Dana could have a break. Rachel and her kids didn’t come to the hospital—instead, they went to sit with Scotty at his house. That was probably a better place for the kids to be at a time like this, anyway.

  Each time the hospital ran the labs, Sara’s HCG levels had dropped further.

  After the guys and my family left for the evening, leaving Dana and me the only ones still at the hospital, I tried to get comfortable so I could sleep upright in one of those horrible waiting room chairs. At one point, a nurse took pity on me and brought me a cot, a pillow, and a blanket. I was too heavy for the cot, though. It collapsed under me before I even got back to sleep, so I moved over to the chair again. At least I had the blanket and pillow.

  By morning, the doctors confirmed that Sara was miscarrying. They sent her home with a prescription for pain, since her cramping had only intensified, and said it shouldn’t last much longer than a day or two more. She was supposed to rest for a week. Then it would all be over…only it wouldn’t be. Not really. The physical part of it would eventually come to an end, but that barely scratched the surface.

  When she was discharged, she begrudgingly let me take her home—but only because all of her other options were busy. The guys were all at the morning skate since Game Six was that night; Rachel had dropped her kids off at school and gone to work; Katie was getting what should be her final chemo treatment and so, of course, Laura was with her; Dana had to take her mother back to the airport; and Scotty still wasn’t allowed to drive. That only left me.

  The whole way to her house, she wouldn’t speak to me. She just stared out the window of my pickup truck while tears fell down her cheeks. When I pulled into the driveway and put the truck in park, she climbed down without waiting for me to help her and headed straight for the door.

  Scotty had invited my family to come over for the day, so they were all there waiting. Sara took one look around the living room and headed up the stairs without a word, locking herself in her bedroom. She was supposed to rest, so I knew she wouldn’t be coming to the game that night. Mom and the girls were all going, and Dylan, too. Scotty intended to stay home to look after Sara while we were gone since I couldn’t stay, not that she was letting me do anything while I was there. I got the impression that she wanted to call the cops to have me escorted off the property, but the house belonged to Scotty, and he told her I was his guest. That was probably the only thing stopping her.

  When I had to leave for the game, Scotty reached for my hand before I could get to the door. I took his, and we shook.

  “Will you be coming back tonight?” he asked.

  I looked up to the top of the stairs while I debated my options. Eventually, she was going to have to come out of her room. If I was around enough, at some point she would have to talk to me, even if it was just to tell me to get out of her way or ask me to reach something she couldn’t. It didn’t matter what initiated the conversation between us. If we were going to talk, if we were going to work through this and come out on the other side of it, I had to be around. I nodded.

  “Good man.”

  Most of the usual suspects were up in the owner’s box when we arrived, along with a few other out-of-town family members like mine. I got Mom and my sisters settled, making sure they found people they at least recognized to talk to before I headed off to do my thing, and Dylan planted himself right by Chloe’s side. He was one of ve
ry few men up here, but Babs’s dad had come even if the rest of the Babcock family was still back home in Ontario. Cadence and Katie had really hit it off over the last couple of days, so I was glad to see Katie was there. I hadn’t been sure she would be since she’d had to go in for a treatment only that morning.

  I sat through the pre-game meeting in the locker room. I went up to the press box with the other guys who’d been scratched tonight—including Nicky. He’d apparently been sent home from the hospital in Vancouver finally, but he still wasn’t cleared to play. I didn’t know when he would be, but it felt awkward to ask him. This wasn’t a typical injury or illness situation. This seemed more like an addiction. My father’s addictions had broken my family apart and forced me to take on his role for my sisters. That didn’t leave me with a good taste about addictions. But Nicky was one of the boys—one of my friends. I just didn’t know how to proceed with that, so I figured it was best to leave it for him to determine.

  He sat down next to me in the press box, but we didn’t really talk. We just watched. Everyone up there was on edge tonight. If the boys won the game, then we’d win the series and move on to the next round. If they lost, we’d have to head back to Vancouver for one more game to sort it all out.

  It turned out to be a great game, one I wished I’d been able to focus on better. I couldn’t get my mind off Sara, though, and how I was going to get her to come around. What could I do to convince her to stop pushing me away? Nothing came to mind, and before I knew it there were only a few minutes left in the game, and the Storm were up three to one.

  Nicky nudged me in the ribs. I’d hardly said a word to him even though we had been sitting next to each other all night long. “Come on, Jonny,” he said. “We need to go put on our gear.”

  “Put on our gear?”

  “For the handshake line.”

  That was one of the longest-standing traditions in the NHL. When a playoff series came to an end, the two teams met at center ice after it was all over, and everyone shook hands. If the boys held on to this lead for these final few minutes, that would be happening soon. I ought to be excited about that. I ought to feel something. Anything.

  I stumbled after the other boys and went down to the locker room. They had some TVs playing in there so we could keep up with the action while we changed. With three minutes remaining, the Canucks pulled their goalie for an extra attacker and they promptly scored, pulling within a single goal.

  As soon as they got possession of the puck again, they tried for a repeat performance. Their attack was relentless. Our defenders were winded. Hunter somehow held on, and the clock ticked down to zero.

  We’d won.

  The boys with me in the locker room went nuts, celebrating together before we got out to the ice with the rest of the team. I gave them high fives and that sort of thing, but I couldn’t seem to get my excitement to where it ought to be in a situation like this.

  I followed the guys down the tunnel. I celebrated with the team on the ice. I went through the motions of the handshake line, not hearing a single thing any of the Canucks said to me as I skated past them.

  We still didn’t know which team we’d face in the next round. LA and Phoenix were heading to a game-seven situation. Whichever team it was, if we managed to get to five games, I’d get to play again. I’d get to go back on the ice and do the job I was paid to do.

  But none of it seemed to matter because I couldn’t celebrate it with Sara.

  AFTER THE GAME was over and they’d aired the handshake line, they moved on to analyzing the Storm’s chances in the next round. We’d been watching that for a while, but then Daddy surprised me by turning off the TV and climbing up the stairs.

  “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “Making sure Rose left the guest room ready for someone to stay in it tonight when she was cleaning today.”

  Oh. He’d probably worked out who would be coming to spend the night with us tonight while I was in the hospital or hiding out in my room earlier. I might have been able to handle spending the day with Cam around, if not for the fact that his family had been there, too. That had just been too much for me, too many people trying to make me feel better when there was nothing at all that could possibly make me feel better. I hadn’t wanted anyone trying to hug me. I hadn’t wanted to talk about it. I hadn’t wanted to do anything at all, and so I’d gone into my room and done just that.

  It had only been after they’d all left, when it was just me, Daddy, and Buster remaining in the house, that I’d been able to face the thought of coming out of my room. Daddy knew better than to push me into talking about things until I was ready, and Buster was possibly the perfect companion for a time like this. All he wanted to do was cuddle, which was fine with me. That was what we’d done through the whole game, and he only stopped now to race after Daddy on his way up the stairs.

  I was fairly certain that it wouldn’t be Cam coming back to the house after the way I’d brushed him off the last couple of days. Maybe Dana or Noelle was coming. Either of them would be fine.

  But then…why would Cam have left his dog here if he wasn’t planning to come back? Surely he wouldn’t have, would he? I got up and went into the kitchen to fix a cup of tea. The whole time I was doing that, I attempted to sort out how I would feel if Cam walked through the door in a little bit.

  You might be in luck. You might be off the hook.

  I still couldn’t believe I’d said something so cold and heartless to him. More than that, I couldn’t believe he hadn’t completely turned his back on me afterward.

  Was that what I’d been hoping for when I’d said it? That he would think I was as much of a bitch as I felt like I was and that he’d walk away? He hadn’t. The nurses at the hospital told me he’d slept in the waiting room all night, that he’d been unwilling to leave. One of them had encouraged me to let him come into my room, but I couldn’t face him after saying such an awful thing to him. I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing the hurt on his face. Even when he’d brought me home today, I’d carefully avoided looking at him, but I could feel his pain creeping into the space between us. That had only made me hurt more than I was already hurting.

  When Daddy came back downstairs, he opened the back door to let Buster out and then joined me in the kitchen to fix himself a snack. He reached for a banana from the fruit bowl and opened the fridge to find something to go with it. “So how long are you planning on hiding from him and trying to push him away instead of talking to him?”

  “I’m not trying to push him away.”

  “Could have fooled me.” He came away from the fridge with a small tub of yogurt. “I’ve known you for twenty-three years, Sara. Your whole life. This is how you always react when someone gets too close. You lash out. You try to hurt them before they can hurt you. You try to make them leave you because you believe they will.”

  “You’ve never left me.” I stared into my cup of tea, trying to quell a fresh wave of tears.

  “No, I’ve never left you. But the only person who has ever left you without you trying to run them off is your mother. The rest of them were your doing.” He removed the foil lid from his yogurt and grabbed a spoon from the drawer. After he took a bite, he looked at me for a long time. “I don’t think Cam’s going to be as easy to run off as the rest of them were. But you should really stop trying to hurt him, baby girl. You’re hurting yourself in the process, too.”

  The front door opened, and Cam came through it. He was still in his suit, but his tie was loose and hanging limply from his neck, and he looked like hell. As soon as he saw me, he stopped, stiff as a board, his eyes boring into me.

  “You two need to talk. I’m going to bed,” Daddy said. He let Buster back inside, took his banana and yogurt with him, and went down the hall. “Good night, you two.” Buster barked excitedly and followed him.

  “Hi.” Cam moved further into the kitchen. He took a glass down from the cabinet and filled it with water, keeping a little distance bet
ween us.

  I couldn’t help it. Now that we were alone, and the world wasn’t racing by out of the car windows, I couldn’t stop myself from looking at him. At the worry creasing his brows. At the pain pinching the corners of his lips. At the anger tensing his shoulders. I’d caused all of that. Daddy was right. I was hurting Cam, and that was hurting me, but I didn’t know how to stop it.

  “Hi,” I finally replied. Just that one little word was almost enough to force those tears to start falling, the ones that had been on the verge of spilling over since Daddy had started in on me.

  He downed his water and set the glass on the counter, then took off his jacket and tie, laying them beside the glass. “Listen, I…” He scrubbed a hand over his buzzed head with a tortured sigh. “I can’t do this.”

  Daddy might have been right about me, but he hadn’t been right about everything. Cam was going to leave. I’d gone too far, I’d fucked up too badly, and he was going to run out of my life even faster than he’d come into it.

  I dumped the last of my tea down the drain and put my mug in the dishwasher. There were a couple of other random dishes in the sink, so I started loading them, as well, hoping to distract myself enough with mindless tasks that I wouldn’t break down in front of him. I could hold out. I could wait until he was gone, and then I could shatter.

  “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. I was awful to you, and I acted like a bitch, and you didn’t deserve that,” I started, still facing the other direction. “I’m sorry I said those things to you. I never should have, and you deserve so much better than—”

  “Sara,” he interrupted. He was behind me, close enough that his breath feathered through my hair and made me shiver, and he put his hands on my upper arms. “Don’t ever try to tell me I deserve better than you. There’s no such thing as someone better than you, at least not for me.”

  That simple touch felt so good, so calming, I just wanted to lean back against him, to melt into him and let him take all my pain away. But I couldn’t. It wasn’t as simple as that, no matter how much I may want it to be.