Memoirs of a Neurotic Zombie

by Jeff Norton

  He used the red-and-blue lights so we made good time, stopping for only three ‘comfort’ breaks which weren’t all that comfortable given that they involved very well-used urinals. He offered to buy us snacks and lunch, and none of us were tempted by anything resembling a doughnut.

  We’d finally reached my parents on the cop’s phone and reassured them that we’d escaped from the cannibals and were going to bust Amanda out when we returned. My dad had laughed and assumed I was joking, which was probably all for the best.

  We finally rolled into Croxton just before dusk, cruising down Main Street in an out-of-state cruiser, and found our hometown totally empty and eerily quiet. We asked Officer Campbell to take us to Corina’s place.

  ‘The town feels deserted,’ I said.

  ‘Ooh, more dessert for us,’ Nesto chirped, hopefully.

  Most of the townsfolk had rented out their homes for extraordinary rents and taken holidays. The dentist vampires had moved in and now, late in the afternoon, many of them would still be in their coffins.

  ‘Twenty-nine Holmcrest Road?’ asked Officer Campbell. ‘We’re here.’

  We piled out of the cop car and thanked him for bringing us home.

  ‘If you ever need anything kids, this is my card,’ he said, handing Corina a small piece of white cardboard. ‘But, first, I’d like a word with your parents.’

  ‘That’s probably not a good idea,’ said Corina.

  ‘I insist,’ he said, friendly but firm.

  Corina reached under the decrepit-looking garden gnome on her front porch, grabbed the spare key and unlocked her front door. The vampire invited us inside.

  She led us through the front hall to the kitchen, which looked like a display model at IKEA and had probably cooked as many meals. ‘I can offer you tap water,’ she said, ‘and that’s about it.’

  ‘Water’s fine,’ Bob confirmed, gulping the liquid that had once passed through the sewage treatment plant. I tensed, thinking about all the contaminants he was consuming.

  ‘Corina? Is that you?’ called Corina’s mother from the curved stairway at the front. ‘What in Count’s name are you doing—’

  ‘We have visitors, Mother,’ Corina called back.

  Corina’s mom swept into the kitchen, wearing a flowing black gown.

  ‘Ma’am,’ said Officer Campbell.

  Corina’s mother stroked the cop’s shoulder and sniffed him.

  ‘What have you brought me, daughter?’

  Corina shook her head.

  ‘This is Officer Campbell and he helped us,’ she explained. ‘When we escaped from the camp you sent us to, which was actually run by an evil witch.’

  She blinked twice. ‘And the problem is?’

  ‘She’s fattening up the campers and turning them into doughnuts,’ Corina said.

  ‘And then the Canadians eat the doughnuts,’ I added. ‘They’re all cannibals.’

  ‘Which is downright unAmerican,’ Officer Campbell stated. ‘And these kids unearthed the whole cruel conspiracy.’

  Mrs Parker looked at the policeman in her kitchen and licked her lips. ‘You’ve brought us a treat, Corina.’

  ‘Can I have some?’ asked Nesto. ‘Adam promised me dessert.’

  Corina’s mom rolled her eyes. ‘I see that my daughter is running in packs now.’

  Nesto grinned. ‘We’re more like a little herd.’

  Officer Campbell cleared his throat nervously. ‘I just wanted to be sure that a responsible adult was present. And I can see you all have some family business to catch up on. Corina, Adam, Ernesto, it’s been a pleasure, and please be sure you alert your local authorities to get your friends back. And good day to you, ma’am.’

  He turned to leave, escaping the Parker house of horrors.

  ‘Well that’s a pity,’ said Mrs Parker. ‘I haven’t had breakfast.’

  ‘You scared him off,’ huffed Corina, ‘and he’s a nice man who helped us. I think he deserves to live.’

  ‘Well, that’s a pity,’ she said, ‘because I haven’t chosen my sacrifice yet.’

  ‘What are you talking about, Mother?’ asked Corina.

  ‘Oh you know,’ she began, looking suspiciously at Nesto and me, ‘just dentist stuff. Nothing to concern yourself with.’

  I heard their front door open and a man’s voice called out, ‘I’m back!’

  ‘Speak of the dentist,’ Mrs Parker said.

  It was Corina’s one-armed dentist father, Dr Parker. ‘But why is there a New York State law enforcement officer in our driveway?’

  ‘Because he’s not in a cage,’ sulked Mrs Parker.

  Dr Parker strode into the kitchen wearing full running gear. Taking no notice of us, he headed straight to the fridge and cracked open a blood-flavoured Vampade drink. He stretched his calves by pressing against the fridge door, huffing and puffing.

  ‘How many times?’ exclaimed Corina’s mom. ‘No stretching in the kitchen.’

  ‘You don’t want me seizing up, do you?’ asked Dr Parker, finally turning around. ‘Corina?’ he gasped. ‘What in Count’s name are you doing home from camp?’

  ‘Cannibals, Canadians, doughnuts,’ she explained.

  ‘Got it,’ he said, though I wasn’t sure he actually did. ‘Well I’m glad you’re back. You’re just in time for the big event tonight. But I’m surprised by your choice offerings. Hello, boys.’

  ‘No,’ said Corina, ‘these are my friends. They’re off limits.’

  I raised my hand like I was still in seventh grade. ‘Um, what are you guys talking about?’

  ‘Private dental matter, Adam,’ he said.

  ‘They know,’ Corina said to her parents, ‘all about us.’

  Dr Parker dropped his smile. ‘Well, that’s very unfortunate for them.’

  ‘Easy, Dad, they’re not human. They’re unnatural … just like us.’

  ‘Watch your mouth, offspring!’ snapped Corina’s mom.

  ‘They’re not vampires,’ said Dr Parker, stroking his chin. ‘Werewolves?’

  Nesto hung his head and sighed. He took a quick breath and burst into chupa mode from the neck up. His skin turned to scales and his teeth sprouted fangs. His bulbous black eyes reflected the curious looks of Corina’s vamparents. Nesto switched back just as fast.

  ‘A werewolf with a fur problem,’ mused Dr Parker.

  ‘No, chupacabra,’ said Ernesto, rolling his now-human eyes.

  ‘Never heard of it,’ the dentist admitted. ‘Though I would like to investigate that mouth for fang decay.’

  ‘I don’t weally like wentists,’ mumbled Nesto, keeping his mouth tightly shut.

  ‘None taken,’ said Dr Parker. ‘But what about you, Adam? Are you a chupachup too?’

  ‘Zombie, actually,’ I said.

  ‘You don’t look much like a zombie,’ said Corina’s mom, dismissively.

  ‘Thanks,’ I said.

  ‘Hey, Adam,’ said Nesto. ‘Do the walk and maybe a groan.’

  I didn’t want play into stereotypes, but I did want them to believe I was as unnatural as they were. I lifted my arms in front of me, shuffled across the tile floor, and even groaned for effect.

  ‘Ah, I see it now, ‘said Mrs Parker, then turning to Corina she continued, ‘Your friends may be unnatural, as you say, but they are nothing like us. We are Count’s divine creatures, and these boys are, well, abominations.’

  Nesto tugged my sleeve. ‘Is that a good thing or a bad thing?’

  ‘That’s not very nice,’ I said to Corina’s mom.

  ‘I’m not a very nice person,’ she replied, echoing something Corina had said to me when we first met. As much as Corina wanted to distance herself from Mommy Fearest, there was an apple/tree thing going on.

  ‘No, Mother,’ said Corina, ‘sacrifice isn’t very nice.’

  ‘It’s tradition,’ said Dr Parker with a shrug, the way my dad might refer to Thanksgiving dinner.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘Who’s sacrificing who?’

/>   ‘It’s an ancient tradition,’ explained Dr Parker. ‘The vampires assemble every four years and sacrifice those who have affronted our community.’

  ‘I always thought that was just a bedtime story,’ said Corina.

  ‘Doesn’t mean it isn’t real,’ said her mom. ‘It’s been going on since before humans walked the Earth. What do you think happened to the dinosaurs?’

  I’d always assumed the death of the dinosaurs was at the hands (or claws) of their bad food hygiene, not bloodsucking, ritualistic vampires.

  ‘It’s the natural order of things – every vampire gets to make a sacrifice,’ said Dr Parker. ‘We are superior beings and it’s important to remind ourselves, and others, of that fact.’

  ‘Opinion,’ said Corina pointedly. ‘This is so typical. The vampires just do whatever they want.’

  ‘Don’t be disloyal, child,’ snapped Mrs Parker.

  ‘Like kill off the dinosaurs,’ said Ernesto, shaking his head in shock.

  ‘It’s not right,’ said Corina in a huff. ‘You can’t just sacrifice people to make yourselves feel better.’

  ‘We knew you wouldn’t understand, dear,’ said Dr Parker. ‘But the sacrifice is an important part of our culture. It’s the one time a vampire can stand up in front of all other vampires and, well, be himself.’

  ‘IS THAT WHY YOU SENT ME AWAY?’ Corina shouted.

  ‘These affairs are above you, dear,’ said her mom.

  Nesto looked up as Corina sighed. I turned to my friend, the vegan vampire, and urged her to act. ‘If every vampire gets to make a sacrifice, you can talk to them all, change their minds.’

  But her mom blurted a sarcastic laugh. ‘Don’t be absurd, flesheater. Nobody listens to her.’

  Corina shrank just a little bit, hung her head and looked at the floor. I hated the way her parents couldn’t see how awesome she was. It clearly got to Corina because she stormed out the front door. I’m pretty sure I spotted her mascara running.

  ‘It’s not absurd,’ I said in my friend’s defence. ‘And I never eat flesh, unlike some people I could mention … And people do listen to Corina because she’s amazing. And she’s going to stop this stupid tradition. Tonight!’

  I motioned to Ernesto and we both bolted from the Parker home to find our friend.

  25

  In Which We Get Vampiric!

  From the Parker’s front yard I caught a glimpse of Corina soaring across the early evening sky.

  ‘She’s going to be seen,’ fretted Ernesto. I wondered if my worrying nature was beginning to rub off on my friends.

  ‘By who? Just a bunch of vampires waking up, getting ready to murder people they think are inferior,’ I said. ‘C’mon, I think I know where she’s going.’

  Nesto and I walked down the street, around two corners, and entered the forest surrounded by houses. It was getting darker now and the setting sun flickered through the leaves, giving the forest a blue tinge in some parts and a rippling burnt orange in others.

  ‘Corina!’ I called up to the treetops.

  ‘Go away,’ she yelled back.

  ‘Your parents are idiots,’ I said.

  I spotted Corina perching on a tall branch of an oak tree. ‘Of course they are,’ she said. ‘They’re parents. That’s their job. And my parents are just really, really good at it.’

  Nesto shivered and shook, his light-brown skin popped yellowish-green scales and he let out a fast rip of a roar. He pounced onto all fours and looked back at me. His face was completely chupafied, but his clothes were still on. He was getting really good at transformation. For a brief moment, I was jealous that he could switch back and forth so easily.

  ‘Climb on,’ he urged.

  ‘Um.’ I hesitated. ‘You mean like touching you?’

  ‘Hop on, Adam. It’s the fastest way.’

  I climbed on his back and wobbled uneasily as he trotted towards the tree.

  ‘I’d really like a seat belt with a five-point harness,’ I said. ‘And a helmet.’

  Nesto stood on his hind legs and clawed at the tree with his front claws. I leaned forward and held onto him as we quickly rose up the tree trunk. Leaves and small branches slapped me in the face as we climbed.

  ‘Can you watch where you’re going, Nesto?’

  ‘Can you be grateful for the lift?’ he asked back.

  ‘Fair enough,’ I admitted.

  Finally, we reached the branch where Corina was sitting. She pushed off and floated in the air as if to fly away.

  ‘Wait,’ I asked, as I clutched onto the safety of the branch. ‘Has this been load-tested?’

  ‘I’m outta here,’ she said.

  I walked closer along the ever-thinning branch. I could feel it dip down, but as much as I wanted to turn back, I knew she needed us. ‘Corina, we need you. Everyone needs you’

  ‘Not my parents.’

  ‘Then move in with me,’ I offered. ‘My parents already like you more than they like me.’

  ‘They wouldn’t if I sucked their blood dry.’

  Yes, I thought, that would tip me back into their favour.

  ‘Obviously,’ I said. ‘But I know and you know, and they don’t need to know, that you’re not going to do that.’

  ‘Why are you so sure. I’m hungry all the time. I can feel it consuming me, taking over. This sacrifice they’re having tonight, there’s a part of me, a big part, that wants to join in.’

  Nesto climbed a bit closer and perched beside me. We both faced Corina, floating before us. ‘I feel it too, you know.’

  ‘A hunger?’ I asked.

  ‘Not exactly,’ Nesto said. ‘I don’t really know what to call it, but an urge maybe. I fight it all the time. I know sometimes you guys think I’m just kidding around and being silly, but that’s what helps to keep my mind off it. When I’m quiet, especially at night, I just, well, I just need to be the monster. I need to thrash, destroy, eat prey and fend off predators.’

  ‘How do you control it?’ asked Corina.

  ‘I didn’t used to, not very well,’ he said.

  ‘My mom’s flowers can attest to that,’ I said.

  ‘But you know,’ he continued, ‘since I started hanging out with you guys, it’s become a lot better. I feel almost like I’ve got power over it, and not the other way around. I think it’s because I’m friends with you. I’ve never really had friends before, just too many brothers and sisters. But now that I feel part of something, I know I’m not just a monster, I’m a person too. And so are you, Corina. And that’s why you have to try to stop the vampires. Because even though we’re weird and monsters and all that, we’re people too. And people should not be sacrificed.’

  Corina floated a bit higher, gazing over the town. The tall spires of the university jutted up into the dusk sky.

  ‘They’ll be assembling now,’ she said. ‘And Dad said that every vampire gets to present their offering.’

  ‘Do you think you could talk to them all?’ I asked.

  ‘I can try,’ she said softly.

  ‘And we’ll cheer you on,’ said Nesto.

  ‘That’s probably not a good idea,’ she said. ‘This is a vampire-only convention. This is something I’ve got to do alone.’

  I didn’t doubt that Corina could do it, but once inside, surrounded by her own kind, especially her unkind parents, I knew she’d need a friend or two.

  ‘If we can sneak into America in a barrel,’ I said, ‘I’m sure we can get into a vampire pow-wow. Right?’

  She shook her head. ‘The only way they’d ever let you in is as—’

  Corina froze, looking conflicted and afraid. She turned from us with a distant and faraway look. I mean, more far away than her normal bored, disinterested demeanour.

  ‘The only way they’d ever let you in is as … my sacrifice.’

  I was suddenly sorry I asked.

  26

  In Which I Get Caged

  Corina ripped the chains off the park’s swing set.

 
‘That’s vandalism,’ I pointed out. ‘Not just illegal, but also very uncommunity-like.’

  ‘Yeah,’ added Nesto, ‘and that swing went the highest.’

  ‘Hold still,’ she ordered, wrapping one of the chains around Nesto’s arms and then all over his upper body. ‘I think we can sacrifice one swing.’

  ‘When you put it that way,’ I said.

  She bound my arms in the chains and spun me around, wrapping me in a chain-link cocoon. At once I was both terrified about what was about to happen and excited to be so close to Corina. I inhaled her clinical-smelling, grapefruit-infused scent.

  Corina pulled the chains tighter. ‘What did I say about smelling me?’

  ‘I have to breathe,’ I said in my defence. ‘I can’t help it if you’re right in front of my nose.’

  ‘Yeah me too,’ said Nesto. ‘Can I smell you too?’

  ‘Breathe through your mouth and don’t talk. Just listen,’ she ordered. ‘I grew up with bedtime stories of “The Sacrifice” …’

  ‘Soothing,’ I said.

  ‘Just listen,’ she repeated. ‘I always assumed it was just a myth, but in the story vampires get to bring anyone they choose. Usually it’s people that annoy you, like anyone who cut Mom off in traffic. My dad used to boast about catching telemarketers who called during breakfast time. I never really believed them, but I guess it’s all true. In the stories, the ritual is always the same. You bring the human, introduce their crime to the community, and then let the guests feed. It’s supposed to be one victim per vampire, but since you guys are small, maybe I can make a case for two.’

  ‘Thanks,’ said Nesto. ‘Wait, no. How ’bout you just take Adam since he really likes you. He’d totally die for you. You know … if he could.’

  ‘I’m not that small,’ I protested.

  ‘Shut it, zom-boy,’ said Corina, ‘and follow my lead.’

  All tied up, she flew us to Convocation Hall, the university’s biggest building. It was a giant arched cathedral that held thousands of people to sit exams and, after sitting through enough exams, get their diplomas.