Illusion

by Ashley Beale

  "I know."

  "You were with Harvey."

  It's not a question, but I answer it anyways as I swallow and nod my head. I don't understand why it matters to him. I also don't understand why I'm so nervous having him this close to me, speaking to me in that territorial husky voice.

  "I had to sit with Misty." I have to press my lips together to keep from laughing. Misty tries so desperately hard to be liked by everyone in the office, and she is nice enough, but she needs to start taking daily showers instead of weekly and she definitely needs to learn to brush her teeth. "You find that funny, don't you?"

  Using my thumb and pointer finger, I indicate 'a little bit'.

  He stands back up and pushes on the back of my chair, causing me to lean back some. He leans towards me, getting a little too close to comfort but at the same time, it feels thrilling. His mouth comes just inches from mine and I have to swallow my nerves. My eyes naturally feel heavier as they slowly close, but I force them to stay open. "You're not very nice, Zoey."

  I bite on my lip and try my best not to smile. "I am," I finally say.

  His eyes roam my face and upper body. "You're a little evil."

  I pretend to be offended. "Am not," I huff. I also want to tell him to back away from me, but those words don't leave my mouth.

  "And beautiful."

  Oh dear lord.

  This time my eyes flutter shut and I can hear his breath increasing. Or is that mine? I'm not quite sure.

  "All I can think about is kissing you."

  A small whimper leaves my mouth when he says that. I'm not sure why I'm reacting this way. I just told Harvey he had nothing to worry about. I've told myself over and over again that there is no way in hell I'd allow him to close in on me like this. Yet here I am, doing everything opposite to what I promised not only my boyfriend, but myself. This is ridiculous. Even as ridiculous as it is, I can't seem to stop myself, or Brice.

  "Can I?" he asks. His lips are so close to my mouth he nearly is kissing me as he speaks.

  "No," I finally say, surprising myself for having the willpower.

  He backs away, just enough that I don't feel his breath on my lips but I can still sense him around me. I slowly open my eyes and meet his bright blue ones. In this light, or maybe it's the fact he is turned on, they almost look a little silver. It's strange, and beautiful, and sensual, and electrifying. And wrong. Very, very wrong.

  Taking a large breath, I finally say what needs to be said. "You can't do this kind of thing to me Brice."

  He pulls away, which causes me to bobble my head a little as my chair goes back to its normal position. He walks around my desk and straight for the door. "Brice?"

  Brice stops and turns around to look at me. You'd think I just told him his dog passed away by the look he has on his face right now and the fact his shoulders are slumped in defeat. "What?"

  I really don't know what to say but I don't like him leaving my office like this. It feels wrong. I do care about his feelings for some odd reason. I feel connected to him in a strange way. Probably because of what happened over the weekend, and the fact we've become pretty good friends this week during lunch at work.

  "I'll eat lunch with you Monday."

  He smiles and starts to laugh. "You don't have to do that."

  I feel relief at seeing him happy, even though I know he isn't.

  "I don't get it," I say.

  He takes a few steps until he is back in front of my desk, opposite to my side. "Don't get what?"

  "Why you're... interested in me."

  "I'm not surprised. You don't seem the self-obsessed type."

  "I'm not."

  "I know," he says. He plants his hands on my desk and leans forward. "I saw you on the first day of work. I immediately thought you were beautiful. You were one of the first girls who didn't stop and drool at me, which I found oddly refreshing. I asked a few people about you, but no one knew much, so I may have skimmed through your emails to learn more. I started going through them every day, and I read the conversations between your sister and you. Something about you and the way you talked to her just drew me in. I can't explain it." He shrugs his shoulders as his cheeks grow a little pink.

  "The more I talk to you, look at you, and get to know you, the more I like you. Saturday, it was just," he pauses while he thinks of what more to say, "it was just amazing. I just… I really can't explain it. I don't think I've ever wanted someone so much before."

  I bite down on my lip and look at my computer, not sure how to answer all of that. I wasn't expecting any of it. I clear my throat, still not looking at him. "Thanks for fixing my computer."

  I can hear him chuckle softly. "Have a good weekend Zoey."

  "You too."

  I don't look in that direction until I hear the door click close. A breath of air leaves me as I gather my thoughts. I'm not sure what it is about Brice but he makes me feel so animated, so alive. It's a different feeling than with Harvey, one I could never put into words as much as I tried. All of it confuses me even more. I didn't think I had any feelings like that towards Brice, but right now, I think I might.

  No, I don't have to think. I know.

  Over the course of the next few weeks, everything runs into a smooth schedule. I have lunch with Brice two times a week, usually on days that Harvey has to work the earlier shift at work. I spend the other days at lunch with Harvey, as well as all my Saturdays. Sundays I either spend with Harvey or alone, and once with Meghan from work. We had gone to the movies one day.

  It's honestly been perfect. Brice and I never talked more about our feelings, or his feelings I should say. Instead, we just have become good friends, who talk about our family, friends, our lives before New York City, and all sorts of other things. I haven't opened up about Kirt to him yet, and I'm not sure I ever will. Instead, I tell him things about my ex, things we did together and such. It's hard not to mention Kirt once in a while, because I spent nearly half my life with him, and he consumes most of my memories.

  With Harvey, we just have a loving, passionate relationship. We still haven't said those three little words and it doesn't bother me in the least. It's the one step that I don't want to leap into, and although we've known each other for over two months now, it still seems too soon.

  There is a lot I have yet to learn about him. I still haven't been to his apartment, I still haven't seen pictures of his father or anyone else in his family. When it gets to a too personal of a subject, he changes it, so I stopped bringing things up. Until he is able to open up to me completely, I can't say those words to him. I'm not sure if I even completely feel that way towards him yet anyways. I mean, yes, I have love for him. I want him in my life, I trust him, and he is completely perfect. But in love with him? Not yet. Falling? Most definitely.

  Tomorrow is yet another Sunday that I'm supposed to be spending with Meghan. She wants to bring me to the theater that Harvey showed me my first weekend here. She said there is a small play going on, one in which her friend Ryan is going to be in. She isn't in a starring role, but she has a few lines and wants the support. Of course I'm more than willing to go with her.

  We decided to get lunch and do a little shopping beforehand as well, so it'll be a long day. I decided since tomorrow will be a lengthy day that tonight is a night to sit and relax at home with Harvey instead of walking around the city, exploring some more.

  Since finishing Emi’s book I read a month ago, I've becoming a little book hoarder myself and keep downloading freebies or cheap novels. Harvey shows up while I'm reading one and he lays next to me on the bed. "Read to me?" he asks.

  I finish the one sentence in my head, then I start reading out loud. He becomes intrigued with my words and listens closely as I finish the chapter. When I put the device on the bed, he pulls me close and kisses my lips. "I like when you read out loud."

  Laughing, I ask him, "why is that?"

  "Something about the way you focus on the book and how smooth your voice is. You get pre
tty into the characters, too."

  "Stop it," I say with a blush.

  He pulls me to him and starts kissing me. "I like when you blush too."

  "You just like everything about me, huh?"

  "Yeah, you could say that." He turns until he is on top of me, pinning me to my bed. "There is something else I really, really like about you."

  "Oh yeah, what's that?" I ask, knowing it's got to be something sexual just by the look on his face.

  He drives his hips forward. "How great you feel around my cock."

  "You're ridiculous." I push on his shoulder but he doesn't budge. Instead he leans down and kisses me softly, adding his tongue slowly, warming my body up.

  He undresses me at a very slow rate, teasing me incredibly but at the same time, it's enjoyable. He kisses different parts of my body with each article of clothing that he removes. When he stands, he does a small strip tease for me and, oh my, isn't it breathtaking to watch. Once he is naked, he climbs back on the bed and kisses from my navel to my mouth, taking his sweet time. His hands roam my body then he slowly makes his way into me. It's a different type of sex with him. We've made love, we've had sex, we've fucked. It's none of those. It's strange but at the same time, incredible.

  The mix of emotions running through me has me quickly getting off and Harvey isn't too far behind me. When he lays next to me, breathing erratic, he looks at me and kisses my nose.

  "What was that all about?" I ask. I know he feels the difference in the sex too.

  He ignores my question completely. That makes me nervous and I can feel my heart beating harder than normal. "I think it's time, Zoey."

  "What do you mean?"

  He leans forward and kisses my lips, leaving his attached to me for a few seconds. "For bed."

  "Oh, um, okay." I decide not to question this tonight. I'll ask him tomorrow, after I'm back from hanging with Meghan. It's obviously not something he wants to get into right now.

  After using the bathroom and turning off the light, I climb into bed with Harvey. He holds me tight and it takes me way too long to fall asleep. Something isn't right between us and I don't understand it in the least bit. Is he leaving me? Did he cheat this time? Does he resent me after all these weeks? What is it? I want to ask him but I can hear him snoring, so I close my eyes and concentrate on anything but what I want to be asking.

  Eventually sleep finds me and even in my dreams, I can feel the surprise when I see Kirt's face. This isn't a memory, this is him coming to me again.

  "I thought you weren't ever coming back?"

  He locks our fingers together in one hand and I can feel the tingles all over. "I wasn't planning on it but you need me."

  "I do?" I question him. I didn't know I did. In fact, I think of him less and less each day. I still think about him, constantly, but not in compression as to before. I don't even talk to him like I used to. It's been almost two weeks since I had that one way conversation with Kirt.

  His eyes watch me cautiously. "You know what is going to happen baby, you need to stop being so blind to this."

  "I'm confused, Kirt. Tell me what is going on, please."

  "You already know, you're just not wanting to admit it. You're blinded to it because it's something more you need to let go of. I know it's scary, but it's the right thing to do. Stop fooling yourself."

  "Excuse me?" I can feel myself getting angry and frustrated. "I don't know what you're talking about Kirt. You need to explain it to me and not just assume I know anything. Does this have to do with Harvey?"

  His other hand finds my cheek and he stares deep into my eyes. I forget how much he and Harvey looked alike. It's really no wonder I felt connected to Harvey so fast. They could pass as cousins, maybe even brothers. I stare as his gray eyes watch me intently, trying to read me, or forcing me to read him.

  He slowly nods his head, answering my question. "Of course it does."

  "I still don't understand."

  "What do you know about him babe?"

  I feel an odd power over me, like I want to defend our relationship and everything that consumes us. "I know a lot about Harvey, practically everything there is to know about someone after two months."

  "You know what you already know."

  "That makes no sense." I'm getting even angrier. I don't want to be angry with Kirt but he is putting assumptions out there he doesn't need to. He is making zero sense, and he is confusing the living hell out of me.

  "It does," he tells me. "You just have to really think on it."

  I pull my hand out of his grip and take a step back. "Stop it, Kirt. Make some sense, tell me what is going on, right now."

  "I'm just your imagination, baby. I'm not real. I can't come to you, unless you dream for me to. You want to heal, but this isn't the right way, and you know damn well it isn't. Stop this nonsense and open your pretty little eyes. You need some help, don't be afraid to ask for it."

  "Everything you're saying is scaring me and it isn't making sense. I don't like this. You either need to tell me what is going on or you need to get out of my head."

  He leans in and kisses me but I don't feel those tingles. I can't even explain how wretched that makes me. "Okay, I'll leave. I'll always love you my baby." His eyes take me in once more.

  "No, wait, I didn't mean that. Come back." But he is gone. I didn't even get to tell him I love him too. Nothing he said made sense and it made me angry, but I didn't want him to leave. I didn't want him to disappear again. Every time he leaves, I'm scared I won't see his face again. I miss him already.

  "I love you," I yell, but no one is around, and no one can hear me. "I love you," I yell louder. Nothing. He said he came to me if I dreamt for him to, and I'm trying my dammest. So where is he? Why isn't he coming back? He is my imagination, dammit, and he won't even come back. "I love you," I whisper this time, with all the defeat I'm feeling in the moment.

  I wake up with a start. I grab Harvey for comfort but... he isn't there.

  "Harvey?" I yell.

  Nothing. Complete silence.

  I look at the clock and it's only four in the morning.

  Throwing the blankets back, I climb out of bed, wrapping a sheet around me. I walk to the bathroom then to the living room. There is just enough light coming from the windows that I can see every nook and cranny, but he isn't here. I look at my front door and it's locked. I didn't lock it when he left. This makes no sense.

  Maybe I'm still dreaming.

  I go lay back in bed and close my eyes, but this time sleep never comes. When it reaches six thirty, I grab my phone and dial his number. It comes up disconnected. I can't even understand any of this. He left me without telling me? How can he do that to me? I just can't even understand something so cruel. I know what I did a month ago was a horrible thing to do, but I sat with him and talked to him about it. I was honest and open. So this, what is it? How can he do something like this to me?

  Going into the bathroom, I turn on the shower then stare into the mirror. I look horrible. There are black bags under my eyes and my face looks pale. I feel light headed and shaky. While in the shower, I sit down and a few tears fall from me but not as many as my emotions are craving for me to release. The shower water flowing down my face is the most comfort I have right now. And although the water is scorching hot, my entire body is shaking as if I were freezing.

  When I get out I try his phone again to no avail. I'm not sure if to be angry, heartbroken, sad, worried, or what. I hate not having some kind of closure. There is no note left anywhere in my house, nothing at all.

  I call Emi and she is a little grumpy when I wake her, but when I tell her what happened- minus the dream I had- she panics for me. She claims she is on the next flight out and is going to help me through this. I tell her it's not necessary but she says she doesn't trust me alone. I don't blame her, not since she stopped me in my attempt to kill myself a year ago.

  He is dead. Dead. Gone, forever. I'll never see him again, not ever. There is no promise o
f an afterlife, there is no promise we'll see each other when I also die. But the fact I might, it's almost enough for me to join that side of the spectrum. What really pushes me over the edge, is knowing I'll always have to live with this emptiness. I'll always have this pain, no matter what I do.

  Is there a way to end this pain completely? Yes.

  Is there a possibility I'll see Kirt again if I end my life? Yes.

  Do I want to live my life feeling empty, like a piece of me is missing? No.

  It may not be the best answer, but it's the only answer running through my mind, constantly.

  Even if I don't see him when I pass the light at the end of the tunnel, I'll still be ending my pain and torture. I won't feel empty and lost. I won't feel anything. I like that thought, I like it a lot.

  I grip the razor in my right hand a little harder than before. After finishing the last sip of my fifth of whiskey, I put the razor to my skin and look up. "Lord, I hate you." I know that is probably the worst sentence to say when you're about to end your life, but it's honest and I need to express all my feelings before I let go of my life.

  "I hate the life you gave me. I hate the hand I've been dealt. They say you're oh so mighty, that you control everything that happens down here. So my question to you, is why the fuck did you give me such a shitty life?" I don't even feel like this is me talking. I've been through it all- the cancer, the infertility, the struggles with Kirt, and now, his death. It doesn't seem like much when you list it off like that, but living that life, that amount of torture, it's surprising I held on this long.

  The reason I held on so long is the one last thing He took from me. My other half. My heart. My love. My Kirt. He stole Kirt from me, never to give him back. So now I'm chasing him.

  "We all suffer, I get that. Without suffering and pain we can't appreciate the good. I understand that life goes on and things get better, I do. But this, I don't get this. You've stolen my ability to have children, no one will ever love me if I can't have their children. You've made me struggle and suffer, and I pulled through. I always did. I became stronger and I moved on. But that wasn't because of you, that was because of Kirt. And what do you do? You go and kill him!"