The Lost Daughter of Liverpool: A heartbreaking and gritty family saga (The Mersey Trilogy Book 1)

by Pam Howes

  Joe took a deep breath and leant against the sink unit, his heart beating overtime. He should have been here. That blasted Ivy, he bet it was her. Dora was always saying the woman was jealous and he’d laughed her concerns away. But surely she wouldn’t be so cruel? Nobody would at a time like this. He held his breath as the bedroom door opened and Dora’s mam came out holding a little bundle wrapped in a white sheet.

  ‘Go and sit on the sofa and I’ll introduce you to your daughter,’ she said, tears tumbling down her lined cheeks.

  Joe did as he was told and the little bundle was placed into his arms and then Dora’s mam dashed back into the bedroom and closed the door.

  He sat silently as the light blue eyes peered at him unblinkingly, and the wrinkled brow creased further in a slight frown. Her hair was brown, like his, but her eye colour was much lighter than Dora’s bright blue so he guessed that would change later and maybe his firstborn would have hazel eyes like his own. ‘Hello, little lady,’ he said softly and stroked her cheek with his index finger. ‘I’m your daddy. I guess you must be Carol.’ Joe felt a rush of love for the tiny baby in his arms and prayed that the next one wouldn’t take too long to deliver as Dora was screaming at the top of her voice again. It was a shame they wouldn’t allow Joanie to be here with her. This was a time when his wife really needed the support of her best friend. Tears filled his eyes; he’d never felt so full of emotion in his life: fear, pride, love, anxiety, all coursed through his veins and he sent up a prayer to God to let it all be over soon.

  His daughter had closed her eyes and he cuddled her close, feeling a bond with her already. As she slept in his arms he promised to protect her and love her always. Dora’s mam joined him, once more banished from the bedroom as the doctor and Nurse Dawson prepared to help baby number two into the world.

  ‘As soon as the next one’s out she wants to see you,’ she said. ‘They’re going to use forceps because the poor little bugger’s got itself stuck. Don’t worry,’ she added as a look of panic flashed across Joe’s face. ‘It does happen with twins when there’s not been the space for the pair to get into the right position for birthing. Now little madam here is out, the other one has moved down, but it needs a bit of extra help.’

  Joe nodded, lost for words as Dora cursed and swore like he’d never heard her swear before.

  ‘She’s a bonny little thing, isn’t she?’ Dora’s mam said, stroking the top of her granddaughter’s downy head. ‘I’ve made a cottage pie for your tea, it’ll just need heating through, and the washing’s on the line, so don’t forget to fetch it indoors and put it on the clothes rack later.’

  Joe nodded, wondering how the heck his mother-in-law could think straight and hold such a normal conversation when all this was going on around them. He handed the baby to her granny and got up to pace the floor. His head swimming, he felt like he might pass out at any minute. ‘Oh God, I feel sick,’ he gasped and dashed to the toilet, where he dropped to his knees and threw up his dinner in the pan. He pulled the chain and sat on the side of the bath, taking deep breaths, and then washed his face and brushed his teeth. Back in the hall he could hear Dora cursing him to kingdom come and that she was never having any more kids, and then one final heart-rending scream followed by the reedy wail of another baby. Jesus. His legs gave way and he broke down and cried like he’d never cried before. Dora’s mam came into the hall holding baby number one and told him to go back into the sitting room while she went in to see Dora. She handed the baby to him and pushed him gently towards the door.

  He sat back down on the sofa and held the baby to his shoulder, patting her back as she made little snuffling sounds and sighs.

  It seemed a while before Dora’s mam returned, looking weary. He sat forward, cold fingers of fear running down his spine. ‘What’s wrong?’ He realised it had gone quiet now and there was no baby crying.

  ‘They’re just sorting Dora out. She’s torn a bit and Doctor Owens is stitching her up. Baby’s a bit tired and the midwife’s washing her. She’ll bring her through when she’s got her dressed.’

  ‘She? So it’s another girl?’

  ‘Identical to that one, just a bit smaller.’ Dora’s mam smiled.

  ‘And is Dora okay?’ He wished they’d let him see her. She’d have been worrying why he hadn’t come home after she’d called. He hated to think of her in pain and needing him close by and he wasn’t there

  ‘She’ll be fine, love. I’ll stay over tonight and then I’m on hand for tomorrow when you go off to work.’

  ‘I’m not going to work,’ Joe said. ‘I’d arranged to have my holidays as and when the babies arrived, and the ROF’s been great in sorting that out for me. I need to pop in for my wages on Thursday, but I’m off for two weeks now.’

  ‘That’s good, love. But I’ll still stay here tonight, just in case. Dolly said she’s got a camp bed we can borrow. You can go and get it later and tell her your news at the same time.’

  Dora gritted her teeth as Doctor Owens inserted the last stitch down below. He’d put something on her tear to numb it, but she could still feel the needle going into her flesh. She couldn’t believe the agony she’d suffered.

  ‘All done, Mrs Rodgers.’ Doctor Owens dropped the needle into the kidney dish on the bedside table. ‘I’ll be in to see you tomorrow morning. Nurse Dawson will stay to help you establish breastfeeding, and she’ll also pop back this evening. If there are any problems at all during the night, you only need to call us. Well done, and congratulations. You have two beautiful little girls.’

  Dora smiled wearily as he left the room.

  ‘I’m going to take baby through to your mam, Dora,’ Nurse Dawson said. ‘Then I’ll come back and get you freshened up and ready to see your husband.’

  Dora looked up as Joe came into the room and lay down on the bed beside her. He kissed her and stroked the hair from her eyes. ‘I’m so tired,’ she whispered. ‘I could sleep for a week.’

  ‘I bet you could. I’m so proud of you.’

  She smiled, feeling sore but blissfully happy. It had been a nightmare of an afternoon, and not one she’d like to repeat in a hurry. But they now had two beautiful identical daughters, so it had all been worth it. Carol weighed slightly more at six pounds five ounces while Joanna was six pounds two. They were good weights, according to Nurse Dawson; combined it was no wonder Dora could hardly move during the last few weeks. Her mam had phoned Mr Jones and he’d gone to bring Dora’s delighted dad and Frank to the phone. Frank and an over-excited Joanie, her arms full of parcels, had popped in earlier, but only for half an hour as Mam said it was quite long enough for the first night.

  Joanie cuddled both of her nieces while Dora unwrapped matching white knitted matinee jackets and two white crochet shawls with lemon edging. ‘These are gorgeous,’ she said, examining the delicate web-like crochet. ‘Your mam is so clever.’

  ‘She is,’ Joanie said. ‘Nice that they’re both girls with those shawls being so dainty.’ Her eyes filled with tears as she gazed at her nieces’ little faces. ‘They’re so beautiful. I can’t really tell them apart. That’s going to be a hard one as they get bigger. You’ll have to use different colour hair ribbons so we don’t get confused. Oh, I’m going to spoil you two something rotten,’ she promised.

  Dora laughed. ‘Joanna’s a little smaller, but not enough to make much difference. So are you and Frank up for being godparents then? When we get around to sorting things out, that is.’

  Frank’s face lit up and he nodded. ‘I’d be very proud. It would be an honour.’

  Joanie smiled. ‘Indeed it would. Are you going to have a little cuddle, Uncle Frank?’

  He looked nervously at Dora, who nodded encouragement. ‘Go on, they won’t bite you. Take one at a time.’

  Dora’s eyes filled as she looked at the tender way her brother stroked Carol’s rounded cheek. He looked across and his own eyes were moist. ‘She’s beautiful, our Dora. They both are. Can’t wait until they’re old enough t
o take on the park and push them on the swings.’

  Joe laughed. ‘We’ve a few sleepless nights to go before then, mate.’

  ‘What did your mother say, Joe?’ Joanie asked, rocking little Joanna who had started to stir and snuffle.

  ‘Oh you know, she was her usual reserved self, but there was a hint of excitement in her voice and she’s coming over in a taxi on Saturday afternoon to see us all.’

  Mam popped her head around the bedroom door. ‘Right, I’ll make a nice pot of tea and then you two can go home,’ she directed at Frank and Joanie. ‘Our Dora needs some rest. You can come again tomorrow after work.’

  Both babies looked like their father, Dora thought, as she cuddled Carol to sleep while Joe had a wash and shave. Joanna lay on the bed beside her, cocooned in a sheet, just her tiny round face showing, dark lashes sweeping her cheeks. They had Joe’s brown hair colour and matching dimples in their chins. Although their eyes were light blue at the moment, she expected they’d change to hazel eventually. She laid the now sleeping Carol beside her sister, imagining the family fun they’d have as the girls grew. Birthdays, Christmases and days at the beach in New Brighton. Their first day at school. So much to look forward to; so many things to show them. She couldn’t wait to make pretty identical dresses for them and push them out in the twin pram.

  Joe popped his head around the door, disturbing her reverie. ‘Just popping to Dolly’s to get the camp bed for your mam to sleep on.’

  She nodded. ‘I’m planning outings for the future,’ she said. ‘We’ll have such fun with them. Double trouble.’ She laughed as a big smile lit up his face.

  Dolly was agog with excitement and bursting with gossip as she let Joe in. She congratulated him with a hug and a sloppy kiss on the cheek and Eric shook his hand and slapped him on the back.

  ‘Come on through into the sitting room,’ Dolly said. ‘The bed’s all ready for you to take. Have you enough spare blankets?’

  ‘Yes, thanks, that’s taken care of. I intend to get a single bed for the spare room, just haven’t got around to it yet and Dora’s mam insists on staying tonight.’

  ‘Is Dora okay?’ Dolly asked.

  ‘She is now. She had a right rough time though. Sounded horrendous. Little Joanna was stuck. Doctor yanked her out with forceps and Dora had to have stitches. She doesn’t want any more babies, she’s made that quite clear.’

  ‘Oh we all say that, and threaten to kill our husbands as well, but we soon forget it,’ Dolly said, laughing.

  ‘I’m not so sure Dora will. But we’ll see.’

  ‘Fancy that Ivy woman not passing on Dora’s message this morning. That was a wicked thing to do.’ Dolly pursed her lips. ‘She needs locking up, that one.’

  ‘Dolly,’ Eric said, shaking his head. ‘We don’t know for sure that it was Ivy who took the message. I told you in confidence. You can’t go accusing without proof. I’m sure Joe will sort it out when he’s back at work.’

  ‘I’ll have a word when I go in to get my wages on Thursday,’ Joe said. ‘Right, I’d best get back and sort out this bed. Thanks very much for the loan of it.’

  As he strolled back to his bungalow the midwife was arriving for her final call. He let her in, put the bed in the hall and then stood outside and lit a cigarette. He stared up at the clear night sky, peppered with bright stars, and wondered which one was his dad. When he was a little boy his late granny had told him that stars were people who had gone to heaven and were keeping an eye on all their loved ones. It was a nice thought to hang on to. He wondered if it was true what Dolly had said, that it was Ivy who hadn’t passed on Dora’s message. Why would she do that? She’d always been nice to him, giving him extra food and always pleasant and smiling. It didn’t make sense and must be a mistake. He’d be certain to talk to her when he saw her next, and get to the bottom of it all.

  CHAPTER 17

  Dora winded Carol, and leant over the side of the bed to put her contented daughter back in the cradle. Joe slept soundly beside her; he hadn’t even stirred when Carol whimpered and there seemed no point in disturbing him; feeding them was something only she could do. She leant to pick up Joanna; she wasn’t awake, but if she fed her now, it would mean she could have a few hours’ sleep before they awoke for the early morning feed. The midwife had told her to try to keep their feeding times as close together as she possibly could, otherwise she’d be at it all day and night as well. Joanna would soon stir once she’d persuaded her to latch onto the breast. She tickled her under the chin and blew gently into her face but there was no response from the baby. Dora frowned and pushed the tip of her finger into her mouth to encourage her to suck, and then tried to get her to take a nipple, but Joanna was very still, her arms flopping limply by her sides. Dora realised how cold she felt to the touch and her stomach turned over.

  ‘Joe,’ she screamed and shook him by the shoulder.

  He awoke with a jump and sat up, blinking in the bright light of the bedside lamp. ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘Joanna won’t feed and she’s all floppy,’ she cried.

  Joe looked at the tiny baby lying against Dora’s breast. He took her in his arms, flicking at her feet as the midwife had done earlier in an attempt to get Joanna to feed.

  Dora looked on in horror as he blew into her mouth, trying to rouse her to take a breath on her own, but she lay limply in his arms.

  ‘Try again, Joe, please,’ Dora begged him.

  ‘Come on, little one, breathe,’ he cried, his frantic eyes meeting hers. ‘I need to call the doctor and wake your mam. No, you’re not allowed out of bed,’ he said as Dora made to get up. ‘Try and feed her again. Maybe she’s just in a deep sleep or something.’ He handed the baby back to Dora, whose tears dripped onto the tiny face. Joanna didn’t even flinch. As Joe shot out of the room Dora knew in her heart of hearts their little daughter was lost to them. She howled heartbrokenly as Joe came back, followed by her mam.

  ‘There’s an ambulance on its way,’ he said, shrugging helplessly. ‘Doctor Owens will meet us at the hospital.’

  Dora silently handed Joanna to Joe and turned to her mam, who enveloped her in her arms while she sobbed on her shoulder. ‘Why, Mam? Why? She was fine earlier.’ She missed the look of despair that passed between Mam and Joe as her mam rocked her back and forth like she was a child while Joe went to answer the door and let in the ambulance attendants.

  One of them saw to Dora as the other checked Joanna and then, wrapping her tightly in a sheet, he rushed out to the ambulance with her.

  ‘We’re taking you to hospital,’ Dora’s attendant told her. ‘Your doctor is meeting us there. Mr Rodgers, you can accompany your wife.’

  Still crying, her heart breaking, Dora allowed them to tuck her up on a stretcher and carry her outside while Joe followed, leaving her mam behind to look after Carol. In the ambulance one of the attendants worked on Joanna, trying to revive her, but Dora knew the resuscitation attempt was in vain.

  At the hospital they were greeted by Doctor Owens who instructed a nurse to take Joanna. Dora cried out for Joe as she was rushed into a cubicle while Doctor Owens spoke to the ambulance attendants. The nurse beckoned Joe to come to Dora’s side. She swished the curtains closed and left them alone. Joe reached for Dora’s hand as she sobbed inconsolably.

  He chewed his lip as tears ran down his cheeks.

  Doctor Owens appeared with a nurse and explained to them that there was nothing they could do for Joanna.

  Joe held her in his arms as Dora screamed for her baby, begging Doctor Owens to check again. The last thing she remembered was the doctor telling her that he was going to give her something to help her sleep.

  Joe sat beside Dora’s mam as she bottle fed Carol, who was sucking enthusiastically at the teat, her eyes closed in ecstasy. At Doctor Owens’ request, Nurse Dawson had turned up last night with powdered baby milk, feeding bottles and teats. She’d shown Dora’s mam what to do and how often to feed Carol. Joe had just come back from sitt
ing all night with Dora, who had been transferred to a small private side ward that nursed newly bereaved mothers, and she was still under sedation. Doctor Owens had told Joe to keep baby Carol at home if Dora’s mam could look after her. Mam was more than happy to do whatever she could and Nurse Dawson had promised to pop in again today on her rounds.

  ‘Thanks so much for being here. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I can’t believe this is happening to us.’ Tears trickled down Joe’s cheeks and he dashed them away with the back of his hand. ‘Why?’

  Dora’s mam winded Carol and laid her in the little white cradle, tucking a sheet around her. ‘I don’t know, Joe. It’s so unfair. I feel numb. I can’t believe what’s happened either. But I have to keep going for this little one while you look after my Dora for me. She’ll be heartbroken. She can’t look after Carol while she’s under sedation and she certainly won’t be able to breastfeed her any more. They’ll keep her in there for a while so she gets some rest. She should have had the babies in hospital. Birthing twins is always a risk at home.’

  Joe shook his head. ‘I asked the nurses and they said it could have happened in there or here. There are no guarantees. There’ll be a post-mortem. Our poor little girl. We didn’t even have time to get her christened.’

  ‘We need to let Dora’s dad and Frank and Joanie know, and your mother. I can do it if it will help. But we can leave it for a couple of hours; it’s too early to be waking folk up just yet.’ She stopped as there came a quiet knock on the front door. Joe went to answer it and let in a white-faced Dolly in her dressing gown and slippers, her red hair standing out around her head like a wonky halo.

  ‘We saw the ambulance last night,’ she began. ‘But we didn’t want to bother you, and then I spotted you getting out of a taxi a few minutes ago, Joe. What’s happened? Is Dora okay?’