The Lost Daughter of Liverpool: A heartbreaking and gritty family saga (The Mersey Trilogy Book 1)

by Pam Howes

  Tomorrow afternoon was his weekly visit to see Dora. He took Carol with him, although the visits weren’t always successful as Dora still displayed tendencies of suspicion towards Carol when she was anywhere near Jackie. Between them, the family had decided one visit a week was enough for the time being. Dora’s mam said Joe had enough to do without running back and to between the houses; he needed to work and he had Carol to see to at night.

  Dora’s medication appeared to be working in that the frantic cleaning and constant worrying about germs had eased, but it seemed likely that she’d still be receiving treatment for a while longer and would need to remain in her mam’s care for some time. The doctor said it may take months before she was back to normal. Her previously sunny nature had diminished, and she rarely smiled now. Joe had no idea how he would cope if and when she did come home.

  He’d taken to walking to Belle Vale Park on Saturday mornings. He’d got to know a few faces, mainly mothers and their offspring. Carol had made friends with a couple of little girls who came here regularly. It was a bit of a routine in an otherwise tipped-upside-down life for her and for him too. The kids were not a problem; Jackie was thriving under Dora’s mam’s watchful eye and Carol loved being with Dolly. It was he that was the problem. He felt lonely, miserable and cut off from the fun side of life.

  He missed the Dora he’d married, he missed their life together, his football on Saturday afternoons with his pals, and he missed his band and playing at the weekend. But he didn’t feel he could ask his mother-in-law to babysit Carol. She had enough to do. Frank came and kept him company on the odd night and they’d have a drink, but if he wasn’t looking after Dora while her mam did her WI stuff, he was usually out on the town with his docker mates. Joe envied him his life as a single man at times, although he knew that Frank would give his right arm to have Joanie back and a family, even one with problems.

  His own mother was nothing short of useless when it came to childcare and they’d become almost estranged, although she rang up occasionally to enquire how they all were, but never offered him any practical help. The only other person he could rely on was Ivy at work. He’d confided in her again, against his better judgement at first, recalling how she’d mistaken his neediness last time. But she’d kept her distance and just listened when he needed to talk, and besides, he wasn’t doing any dances in the clubs so he spent limited time in her company. She’d told him about a new flat she’d moved into near his estate. He’d told her he walked on the park on Saturday mornings and last week she’d turned up with a bag of jelly babies for Carol, who took to her immediately. He wondered if Ivy would do the same today and found himself staring at the entrance from time to time.

  Ivy checked her watch as she walked slowly along to the park. She didn’t want to appear too eager and get there early. Even if they only spent fifteen minutes together it was better than not seeing Joe at all. She’d stopped off to get some sweeties for his little girl and had them safely stashed in her handbag. She felt worried about Joe; he seemed to be in a bit of a depression, never mind his wife. His life revolved around work, Carol and little else. He’d told her that he needed to keep his job for as long as he could because of the house. If he lost the job through taking time off work, he might lose his home too. It wasn’t an easy situation for a man to find himself in and Ivy played the role of caring friend to the best of her ability.

  If Joe’s marriage was going to be a casualty in all this trouble, then she would make sure he knew where to come should he need to. She saw him sitting alone on his usual bench near the play area. He looked up and saw her watching him. The smile that lit up his face made her heart sing, but she responded with just a half-smile and a little wave. It wouldn’t do to look too eager at the moment. She needed to remember that for Joe right now, she was a confidante and a shoulder to cry on. Also, there would be no embellished tales going back to Flo. She was keeping her mouth firmly shut this time.

  Joe braced himself as he walked down Sugar Lane, holding on to Carol’s sweaty little hand. To his surprise Dora was sitting on a deckchair in the front garden. Jackie was asleep in her pram under a tree. Dora turned to smile as they came in at the gate and Carol dashed inside calling for Uncle Frank. Dora was wearing one of her summer dresses and her blonde hair looked freshly washed, hanging in soft waves to her shoulders. Although the dress hung off her because she’d lost weight, he recognised it as the navy flower-sprigged one she’d made for the first night she went to a dance with him after being ill last time. The Litherland Town Hall dance. It seemed years ago now, but she’d been so happy that night and they’d made love for hours when they’d got home. He felt tears well and blinked rapidly. Would they ever get back to that stage again? Or would they just have a friendship from now on, where he simply took care of her needs?

  He’d been warned by Doctor Owens that further pregnancies were not advisable. The hormonal changes affected Dora’s brain and the next time may see her harming both herself and the child. Guaranteeing pregnancy would never happen again was a problem. Dora could have a sterilisation operation, which involved major abdominal surgery and would take weeks of recovery, both in hospital and then when she was discharged. It would mean more work for her mam and he worried about how Mary would cope. Doctor Owens had told Joe that Dora wasn’t well enough to make any decisions just yet, but it would be discussed with them both at a later date when he felt the time was right, and was probably the best option open to them as a couple.

  Joe didn’t care; he just wanted his wife and the mother of his children back to normal. He felt at the end of his tether at times and secretly thanked God for the bit of solace Ivy offered. She’d asked him to bring Carol to tea next Saturday afternoon. Apparently there was a nice garden with a swing that used to belong to her new landlord’s grown-up children. He’d been undecided at first and then thought, what the hell. Another Saturday afternoon trying to entertain Carol alone would drive him mad. And no one needed to know. It was just tea, nothing else.

  Dora spoke softly and broke his thoughts. ‘How are you doing, Joe? Are you coping all right?’

  ‘I’m fine, love. Carol’s okay, as you can see. She loves going to Dolly’s while I’m at work. I’m just a bit lonely and waiting for the day when you feel ready to come home with me and be a family again.’

  Her face clouded. ‘I’m not sure when I’ll feel ready for that. I’m safer here with my mam and Frank and I know Jackie is safe too now she’s away from Carol.’ She put her hands up to her breasts. ‘The doctor took my milk away. Made me drink something horrible for a few days and it just went.’

  Joe nodded. She’d been given Epsom salts. It was heartbreaking to see her so defeated. His lovely wife who was so bright and clever with her hands and her dressmaking skills. And all because of him and his need for her body. He swore he’d take care of her from now on. No matter what it took, he wouldn’t put her through this again.

  Carol ran shrieking outside with Frank chasing her. He caught her and swung her up in the air. ‘Come here, you little monkey,’ he said, laughing. ‘Joe, how you doing, mate?’

  Joe nodded. ‘Not bad. Yourself?’

  Frank shrugged. ‘Getting there. It helps me having our Dora and the little one around.’ He lowered his voice. ‘When she’s well enough and back home with you again, I might look for work abroad for a while. I’ve got papers stashed away to get a passport. Have to see how it goes here for the next few months.’

  Joe sighed. He almost envied Frank his freedom – almost, but not quite. ‘Can’t say I blame you; a fresh start and all that.’

  Frank nodded. ‘Not a word to Mam and her,’ he mouthed, nodding in Dora’s direction. ‘Right, monkey, let’s get down to the paper shop for some dolly mixtures. See you later.’ He grabbed Carol and they set off down the road, Carol shrieking excitedly and swinging from his hand.

  ‘He’s good with her.’ Joe sat down on the lawn next to Dora’s deckchair.

  She didn’t reply, so
he took hold of her hand and caressed it, but she pulled away and glared at him.

  ‘Don’t do that.’

  ‘I was only holding your hand, love.’

  ‘I don’t want you to.’

  Before he could respond, Mam popped her head outside and beckoned him indoors. He got up and followed her.

  ‘How do you think she’s doing, Mam?’

  Mam shrugged. ‘Up and down, love. Some days I feel there’s a change for the better and then others we seem back to square one. How are you coping, Joe? You look weary.’

  ‘I’m okay, thanks. Just want things back to normal, whatever that is.’ He sighed.

  ‘Well she can’t go home yet,’ Mam said. ‘You’d have to give up work and you can’t do that. I wouldn’t like to leave her alone with both kiddies. She’s smashing with Jackie. Copes very well with her, so I’ve no worries on that score. But she can’t look after Carol as well.’

  ‘Well, all we can do is carry on as we are,’ Joe said. ‘I think she hates me at the moment. Won’t even let me hold her hand. I feel lost, Mam.’ He could feel himself welling up and took a deep breath.

  She rubbed his arm affectionately. ‘We’ll soldier on, Joe. Go and sit outside with her again and I’ll bring a drink and some sandwiches out for you both.’

  Carol ran up and down the lawn, excited to be playing outside, and Ivy’s landlord’s tubby corgi dog did his best to run after the old tennis ball she threw for him. They’d had a picnic and little cakes, sitting on a blanket under a shady tree on the lawn. Joe relaxed and lit a cigarette as he watched Carol and the dog cavorting around. ‘Thanks for doing this, Ivy.’

  She smiled. ‘You’re welcome. Are you going to see Dora tomorrow?’

  He nodded. ‘Aye, I go every Sunday. It’s the only time she gets to see Carol. It’s taking a while to get them bonded again.’

  ‘How much longer do you think she’ll be like that?’

  He shrugged. ‘No one seems to know for sure. I’m hoping it won’t be too long, and then I can bring her home.’ He saw Ivy stiffen beside him. ‘But who knows?’ He called to Carol. ‘Come on, queen, we need to get off home before it rains.’

  Carol pulled a face but did as she was told. ‘Say thank you to Ivy for having us and for the lovely tea party she made.’

  Carol, not generally one for shows of affection, threw her arms around Ivy’s neck and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

  ‘Blimey, you’re honoured,’ Joe said, laughing. ‘She’s a bit mean with her kisses, that one. Thanks for a lovely afternoon. I’ve enjoyed the nice change.’

  Ivy got to her feet and smoothed the creases out of her skirt. ‘It’s been lovely to have you here. And I think Roly’s enjoyed it as well,’ she said as the little corgi sat down and looked a bit sad that his new playmate was going home.

  ‘Can we come again?’ Carol asked, dancing from foot to foot. ‘Please, Ivy. I just love Roly.’

  Ivy smiled. ‘I don’t see why not. If Daddy says it’s okay you can come again next week if you like.’

  ‘Yes, yes, yes!’ Carol squealed.

  ‘We’ll see, madam,’ Joe said. ‘Have to see how Mammy is.’

  ‘Now, Carol, do as Daddy says and we’ll see,’ Ivy said. ‘But you have to be a very good girl all week.’

  Ivy walked to the gate with them and Joe turned and pecked her on the cheek. His lips brushed her ear as he said thank you again. ‘Are you out dancing tonight?’

  She shook her head. ‘Hopefully next week.’

  ‘I really miss my weekends,’ he said wistfully. ‘I miss the lads in the band too.’

  Ivy looked at him for a long moment. ‘I can always babysit for you on a Saturday night while you go out and play with the band. I know you’re missing the money as well. Have a think about it and let me know. I can bring a book or some knitting over with me.’

  Joe’s face brightened. ‘We’ve got a gramophone so you could listen to records as well. I’ll think about it. Thank you for offering. See you Monday in work. Save me an extra sausage!’

  Ivy took Roly indoors and sent him in to her landlord. She sauntered up to her flat, a happy smile on her face. She’d happily babysit for Joe. Carol was an easy kid to look after. She’d rather go to the dances with him, but if she was at his house he would be coming back to her and they’d sit and chat for a while before she went home. She poured herself a small sweet sherry and took her Woman’s Weekly magazine with her to sit on the Juliet balcony. Life was certainly looking up. Hopefully Dora would be a while before she was fit to go home.

  Joe needed help and she was offering it. If anyone read anything else into that, then it was their problem, not hers or Joe’s. And Carol certainly seemed to like her. Dora had always found the child hard work, from what Joe had told her. Carol would be going to school in another year so would be off his hands for most of the day. She let herself enjoy a little fantasy in which she and Joe were together bringing up Carol, and Dora was happy on her own with Jackie, having realised she didn’t either love or need Joe. It was a pleasing thought and she decided it deserved another sherry.

  Dolly waved at Joe as he turned the corner of Hedgefield Road. ‘Joe, your mother popped by but got tired of waiting. I didn’t think you’d be out this long. She left this for you.’ She handed him a sealed envelope.

  ‘We’ve been to Ivy’s for tea. She’s got a dog,’ Carol yelled, dancing up and down with excitement.

  Joe felt his cheeks heating when Dolly pursed her lips as he drew close. ‘Thanks, Dolly. And thanks for looking after her while I was out.’

  ‘You want to watch that Ivy,’ Dolly said, scowling. ‘She’s trouble with a capital T. Caught her giving my Eric the eye last year.’

  ‘That’s my business, Dolly. Ivy’s been a good friend to me.’ Bloody hell, the whole estate would know by tonight. And he’d never seen Ivy giving Eric the eye, or anyone else come to that. He hadn’t expected a welcoming committee on arrival home and it had been his plan to sneak inside with Carol and promise her something nice if she didn’t tell Aunty Dolly about going to Ivy’s for tea. She was easily bribed so he’d had great faith in her. Too late now. Dolly would give him earache about it.

  Indoors, he opened the envelope. Inside was a letter and a cheque for £250. His mother explained that she’d sold her house and was moving to Cheadle to be near her sister. He felt bad when he read that she hadn’t wanted to mither him as he had enough on his plate. The money was to put towards a car. He sighed. It would certainly make life a bit easier.

  CHAPTER 32

  Ivy jumped up to answer the phone. It was nine thirty and it might be Joe making sure Carol was okay. He said he’d try to call if there was a phone in the club. A woman asked to speak to him. Ivy told her he was working tonight with the band but she could pass on a message. The woman asked who she was, a hint of suspicion in her voice.

  ‘The babysitter, Miss Bennett,’ Ivy replied. ‘Who’s calling, please?’

  ‘It’s Agnes, Dora’s friend. Would you ask Joe to ring me tomorrow before he goes to see her, please? Thank you.’

  Ivy stared at the receiver in her hand and shrugged. She wrote the message on the pad on the hall table and went back to her knitting and Patti Page on the gramophone. She’d fallen asleep by the time Joe arrived home and he shook her gently by the shoulder. She opened her eyes and looked up and her heart leapt as she saw him gazing down at her, a smile on his handsome face and his light brown hair flopping down into his eyes.

  She sat up and sighed. ‘Sorry, it’s so peaceful, I couldn’t help myself.’

  He laughed. ‘Don’t worry. I do it myself, often. Would you like a cup of tea, then I’ll book you a taxi. Thank you so much for this. Hope she’s been good for you.’

  ‘Quiet as a mouse all night,’ she said. ‘And yes, I’d love a cuppa.’

  ‘It’s done me the world of good to get out,’ he said, ‘it really has. I feel human again.’

  She smiled as he threw his jacket onto the armcha
ir and removed his tie. He made two mugs of tea and carried them through to the sitting room and joined her on the sofa.

  ‘Before I forget,’ she said, ‘Agnes called. Can you ring her tomorrow before you go to visit Dora? I made a note on the pad in the hall, but you might not see it.’

  ‘Shit, yes! I was supposed to ring her today. I completely forgot.’

  They drank their tea in companionable silence and then Ivy gathered her things together. ‘Book a taxi for me now, Joe. Bet that bloody Dolly is at the window waiting to see if I stay or go. She’ll have seen your car pull up, no doubt.’

  Joe raised an eyebrow. ‘Aye, and we’ll be the talk of the canteen when she’s finished bending Eric’s ear. But it’s hard for me. I’ve a kiddie to see to and a job to hold down, no wife to help me – okay, her mam does her best and Dolly helps with Carol. But I have no choice other than to rely on them. The alternative is to give up my job, then I’ll lose my bloody home and end up begging with Carol going into care. I’m not being unfaithful to my wife, when all’s said and done. I’m just taking help where I can get it. Sorry for banging on, Ivy.’

  ‘Joe.’ Ivy rubbed his arm. ‘It’s okay to let off steam. People need to keep their noses out of your business. And we’ll ignore any gossip at work.’

  Dora shook her head as Carol screamed at the top of her voice. She called for Joe, who was trying to sort the washing out, cook the Sunday dinner and make a bottle for Jackie, all at the same time. Dora had remained on the sofa with Jackie on her lap almost all weekend. It had been a big mistake to agree to two full days at home. A few hours yesterday afternoon would have been enough for her as a trial run. She just wasn’t ready for this. Joe hurried into the sitting room, gritting his teeth. He looked harassed and she wished she could do more to help him.